The funeral homes in Oakdale should have this disclaimer posted outside: "No body? Don't order the casket just yet." We all know Dusty isn't really dead, just fake dead, like Paul and James and Jack and Simon and...Well, you get the point. In other words, enough with the dead-not-really-dead storylines! This pattern of fake killing characters cheapens the emotional punch when someone really does kick it. If Grayson McCouch wanted some time off to audition for pilot season, why couldn't Dusty just go out of town for business or for a family emergency? At this rate, I'm surprised they didn't have Mike six feet under too, instead of just going out of town for work.

I guess the goal was to jumpstart this silly storyline that has Meg and Paul looking guilty of murder. Could it be that James is back and somehow involved? (Or maybe that's just my own paranoia that every bad thing that happens in Oakdale is somehow tied to James.) I feel like I missed something with this storyline, though, and I am trying to make sense of it. Here's how I see it: Dusty saw someone he knew, and then disappeared. His blood was found from his fight with Paul, and Meg somehow ended up with his bloody wallet, looking all kinds of guilty, and tossed it in the river. Color me confused. Meg should know whether or not she killed Dusty, unless someone made her think she did. It reeks of James, I tell you. If he's trying to frame Paul for murder, Dusty's disappearance could do it.

The person I feel sorry for in this mess is Jennifer. That girl has grieved so much this year she's made black the new black. She's already buried a baby, a brother and now, it seems, a lover who haven't really been dead. To deal with all the non-deaths, Two Scoops reader Leanne had a fantastic suggestion for grave markers in Oakdale: put the "died" part in chalk so the dates can be changed every time someone "dies." Love it, Leanne.

Meanwhile:
--For those of you who asked, the song Gwen sang on Valentine's Day is "Without You" from "Rent" by Jonathon Larson. Thanks to all of you who took time to e-mail me the title and artist.

--Simon sighting - In Mark Collier's (Mike Kasnoff's) latest blog entry, he checked in with fans, while auditioning for pilot season in California. He shared this little tidbit, "I did run into Paul Leyden at an audition. He's doing very well, and it was great to see a familiar face." I have no idea what primetime project these guys are testing for, but I have to say, I'm in, if either one of them lands the gig. To read Mark's blog "A Minute With Mark," click here

--Just when I thought I couldn't love Henry more, it turns out he's a fan of Magnum P.I., one of my all-time favorite detectives. When Henry used the old pencil-scribble-on-the-notepad trick to try to reveal what the previous note said, I had just uttered to myself, "It's the Magnum P.I. trick" when Henry gave credit to the Mustache Man himself. Nice.

--Yes, Mike really did utter, "Can you hear me now?" during his cell phone conversation with Katie. Priceless.

--The Oakdale PD was at it again last week. Hal sent Jack to interview his own cousin, regarding Paul's disappearance. Note to Hal: you don't send family members of suspects to interview them. Bad idea. Where was Margo? Or Nick? Was he too busy ogling the strippers at The Galaxy Club to interview Meg?

--Speaking of Nick, sorry folks, but he's just not growing on me. I'm really trying, but he's just obnoxious. Although, I did enjoy the scene this week, when Carly threatened to knock his teeth down his throat. Is that wrong?

--There were some fabulous family talks this week: Meg and her momma, Jack and Holden, and Nancy and Katie. These are the kind of moments where ATWT really excels. More please.

--I get that Carly feels guilty about Jack losing his job. But she really is living in fantasyland if she thinks her latest scheme is going to get him his job back. Wait. Maybe not. It is the Oakdale PD. Still, we all know Jack is going to be furious with her. When do you think he'll finally get fed up with Carly's lies?

--Is anyone else frightened when Henry is the responsible one in the room? Yeah. Me, too. Emily is just this side of James-Stenbeck crazy.

--Although it happened during Reggie's week to write, I wanted to comment on how much I loved the fight between Katie and Carly. I miss Katie's bad side. We haven't seen it in a while. Remember the days when she was slugging Simon's dates? Ah, good times.

--Your theories on Jade are intriguing. Some of you think she's a James plant. Some believe she's a Keith plant. But, what if she's just a con artist who's trying to take the Snyders for some fast cash? I really do hope she turns out to be a bad girl. Her good-girl routine is boring, with a capital B.

--Did my eyes deceive me or was Jessica on screen for a few minutes? Jade looks like her, don't you think? Maybe if she isn't really Rose's daughter, she could be Jessica's. That would give she and Ben something to do.

--I love Nancy. This week's Nancyism was great: "Crying makes the eyes get flabby. Best to avoid it. Particularly, when it isn't necessary." Good advice, Nancy. Maybe you should pass it on to Emily and Jennifer.

--Let's hope Carly's design career works out. Otherwise, she may be dancing on that pole for real to make a living. Her lack of computer skills will seriously impede her in today's job market. When your elementary-school-aged son has to teach you how to do a reverse phone lookup, you're in trouble.

--Gwen said she couldn't wait to show Barbara her rubber-band engagement ring. Yeah, I can't wait for that either. I'm sure Barbara's comments will be classic. But, seriously, what is up with Will and Gwen's quick trip to the alter? I was hoping Maddie would step up and stop this madness.

--If you haven't heard, blogging is all the rage. I gave you Luke's blog address a few weeks ago, and this week, I gave you Mark Collier's. Add this one to the list: http://www.tubetalk.blogspot.com. It's mine. To those of you who've written to tell me you like my writing and want to read more, check it out. It's my take on primetime television, from Veronica Mars, to Lost, to Scrubs, to yes, Magnum P.I., it's all there. To those of you who don't like my writing, well, you're invited, too! (Karma baby.)

Best Lines of the Week:
(Nick defends Carly's decision to work in strip club to Katie, arguing that Carly needs the money and that job opportunities in Oakdale are limited.)
Nick: "It's a small town. OK?"
Katie: "Yeah. And that postage stamp she calls an outfit is even smaller."

(Jennifer, Barbara and Hal discuss Paul's shooting.)
Jennifer: "I think he really did try to kill himself, but it all went wrong."
Hal: (sarcastically) "Pretty hard to put a gun in your mouth and miss."

(Jessica arrives at the hospital, after getting a call from Jennifer that Paul is alive.)
Jessica: "Jennifer, is this some kind of sick joke?"
Jennifer: "No, This is my life. Welcome to it."

(Nancy catches Casey and Maddie alone at Katie's cottage making out on the couch. They tell her that they were just delivering some plants to Katie from Margo.)
Nancy: "Were you planting them in the sofa?"

Reader Spotlight:
(From Two Scoops reader Bethany.)
"I have to wonder if Lily will finally manage to have a baby in the hospital this time. Luke was born on the Synder farm kitchen floor, with Holden delivering Damian's son. Then Julia Lindsey had to deliver Faith in the middle of some woods that David Stenbeck had them in. At least she had Dr. Bob to deliver Natalie, but she was still at home. (At least she was in a bed with a doctor that time, a real step up for her.) So, will she get the hospital treatment this time, or will we be treated to a blackout the night this newest Synder comes into the world? Or will she deliver in a pickup truck on the way to the hospital?"

Bethany, I vote for the pickup truck. Since the baby was supposedly conceived there it would be a funny, no? Plus, they could name the tyke "Ford" or "Dodge" or "Diesel" in honor of the event. Kidding. ---Jennifer

(From Two Scoops reader Heather.)
"What about a Jade and Nick pairing? They are both really good looking and if they got together, there could be some real steamy scenes. At least Jade is single."

Heather, I like it. Jade and Nick together would make my fast-forwarding easier. I can't seem to get interested in either Jade or Nick, so yeah, count me in. ---Jennifer

(From Two Scoops reader Kathleen.)
"I just don't get it. Is there a mysterious hidden storyline about Nick and Carly that no one is on to yet? Nick's instant desire for Carly must be rooted in him having had a "thing" for her before he came to Oakdale. It happened way too fast! Maybe in a previous life he was her lover? Now that would be a more believable story. His passion for Carly just came out of nowhere for me and is just plain boring. What a surprise...a guy comes to town and has the "hots" for Carly. I would like the story better if maybe Julia (the first one since the second one is dead) paid Nick to break up Carly and Jack and is lurking in the background ready to get Jack back!"

(From Two Scoops reader Amy.)
"I must agree w/you Jennifer about the show being in a slump. I have been a longtime viewer and this past week I've been finding myself falling asleep. Usually I'm glued to the TV. I hope they spice it up soon especially w/the 50th anniversary coming up! Love your column!"

Thanks Amy. I'm hoping we get something special, too. ---Jennifer

(From Two Scoops reader Diane.)
"I agree about Martha Byrne. It's about time they acknowledged that "Lily" was pregnant. It was becoming obvious. I can't help but wonder...it is really Holden's? It would be so typically Oakdale that the baby turned out to be Keith's. Love your column and love the show in spite of the fact that they stretch credibility sometimes."

Diane, let's hope we don't have another baby-daddy drama. But, they do like to recycle plots in Oakdale, so I wouldn't be surprised. ---Jennifer

(From Two Scoops reader Jill.)
"I'm wondering why if they are going to do a gay storyline with Luke, that they make his "friend" so unlikable. And besides, what kind of friend would offer alcohol to someone who just got a new kidney? This storyline is not making sense to me."

Nor to me, Jill. It seems they should at least try to make us like Luke's potential boyfriend. And having him ply Luke with liquor every chance he gets doesn't endear him to me, either. Perhaps the real reason Kevin is a bad boy is to add another layer of conflict to the story and give Holden a legitimate reason to not want Luke spending time with him. ---Jennifer

(From Two Scoops reader Barbara.)
"When you listed the best lines of the week, you neglected to mention when Henry and Emily were talking and she referred to Paul as her fiancé. Henry said, "Question, if your fiancé calls the wedding off and you shoot him is he still called your fiancé?" I had to play back the tape three times to hear the complete line because Henry was priceless and I couldn't stop laughing. The entire conversation was priceless when he asked her if she had an ice pick with her. Hope he wins a daytime Emmy, I would love to hear his acceptance speech."

Me, too, Barbara. Fingers crossed ---Jennifer

That's all for now Scoopers. See ya next time.
Jennifer Biller