Leaving on a jet plane

Stefano would never hurt Marlena. He would kidnap her twice a year, but he never actually hurt her. He was in obsessive, but not violent, love with her.

Usually I reserve the first paragraph in my column to complain about Marlena and Dr. Death (or at least it seems that way). But, oh no someone else has managed to sleaze themselves into the top position this week. And the award goes to . . . Alexandra Carver! I am so mad at Lexie this week. I believe (in my youthful idealism) when you get married, I don't care if your partner's head blows up to twice it's normal size and they get a wicked case of shingles, you don't cheat. You don't pledge your fidelity to someone with the clause, "As long as all the equipment is working right, and there isn't some hot stalker cop chasing me all around town." Ugh, I am so disappointed in her. When I first started watching DAYS, Lexie and Abe (well Jonah too, but you don't hear about him anymore) were two of my favorite characters, because hey they're black, I'm black and I loved the fact that they were both police officers and educated, multi-dimensional, interesting people. Even when Lexie helped Jonah with the vigilante thing (remember The Pacifier?), at least she was doing it for the right reasons (well, until they started smooching). But I just can't get behind Lexie the Cheater. And hey, my memory is a little scratchy here, but wasn't there some question about Theo's paternity because Lexie, ahem, kept company with Brandon? What probably gets to me the most is that Lexie and Tek are barely being discreet about the whole thing. In the hospital where Abe was recovering from a cornea transplant for God's sake, there are Lexie and Tek doing it on her desk. At Shawn and Mimi's bachelor/bachelorette party, let's do it in the parking lot, because we're invisible when we're naked! Come on! And Tek coming out of the walls like a damn vampire is getting more than old. I'm waiting for him to drop from the hospital ceiling in his underwear one of these days. I kind of understood where Lexie was coming from before when Abe was asking for divorces and basically driving her away as meanly as possible, but now I think that Abe is embarrassed and depressed by his situation and he needs Lexie's patience, because he obviously loves her, but it really seems as if she thinks it's all about her. Powers That Be, I hate this. Really bad. Please make it stop. But it won't until Lexie ends up pregnant (they can't be using protection with all of their impromptu . . .. Meetings), Abe gets within an inch of divorcing her and taking Theo (where is he anyway?) and then they can find their way back to each other. Or maybe he will divorce her when he finds out and they can give Abe a new love interest. One that may actually sleep with only him. How novel.

My brother (who is the one who got me hooked on DAYS at the tender age of 11, hey Matt!) and I were having a discussion at about 2:00 this morning (we're roommates so that happens sometimes) about Alex North. Now he said that Alex reminds him of Stefano, which got me thinking. If we're playing the DiMera in disguise scenario, I think that Alex reminds me of Tony. Here's why: Stefano would never hurt Marlena. He would kidnap her twice a year, but he never actually hurt her. When she ended up being possessed because of the hypnosis he had done to her, he was actually appalled. He was in obsessive, but not violent, love with her. Tony on the other hand hates John because he feels that John stole Kristen from him. And what's the best way to get at John? Marlena, without a doubt. But I don't really think that either of these theories are correct. I think that Alex is a brand-new nutcase. But with the hope sprinkled on us John and Marlena fans on Friday, maybe this storyline will resolve sometime during May sweeps. I don't know if I can stomach two more months of Dr. Slime, but I can dream it will be over soon, right?

I don't like Belle. She's never been my favorite character, but oh wow, I can't stand her. Shawn begged and pleaded and begged and pleaded and parachuted himself into a war zone to get Belle to tell Philip the truth about them, but she refused about a billion times and told him that he needs to move on with his life. That he needed to find someone else and get married and have a family with them. But now little Miss Self-centered is having a fit because Shawn took her advice and is going to marry Mimi now and she just can't take it. How selfish can she be? Why is it always about her? Three months ago, she wasn't even willing to entertain the idea of leaving Philip and now all of a sudden, it's a great idea? Give me a break. But as soon as the little poo-bomb about Claire's paternity hits the fan, Belle is going to leave Philip so fast it will be ridiculous. I wonder if the letter Shawn picked up is the same one that Mimi wrote (this is DAYS so you know what I mean) and if the whole thing will come out, or if it's some money or something his mom left him or something equally lame. We shall see on Monday, won't we?

Onto Chez Rouge. I loved seeing Eugenia again, especially when she was talking to Sami. While I don't so much mind Sami and Austin together (probably because we have seen it twenty times), but I am just not digging on Carrie and Lucas. I just don't like them together. I really think that all this sibling-swapping is a bit gross. I don't even want to date someone my third cousin once removed dated, let alone my sister (if I had a sister, that is). Ew. Please, someone put Lucas and Sami back together, but find Austin and Carrie other love interests. I don't like Austin and Carrie together either. I think that they are boring. I liked Carrie with Mike a lot better. Now let's see who aren't Carrie and Austin related to. Ummm . . . Carrie and Patrick? Austin and Lexie (when Abe dumps her, or hell maybe before they way she's carrying on)? Carrie and ... well, crap she's pretty much related to everyone on the canvas right now except for Philip, but I think that the Roberts/Brady thing is way too incestuous as it is. Let's see, Austin and Bonnie? Now, that would make Bonnie's century.

So, wonderful readers out there, how far do you think they are going to take this Alex is gonna kill Marlena story? Will she get kidnapped again this year? Will Austin buy a shirt? Who is going to spill the beans to Shawn? Will Belle ever figure out that she and Shawn really did do the do and she made herself believe it was a dream? Will Sami and Lucas get over themselves and get back together? Will Abe toss Lexie off the hospital roof when he catches her getting freaky in the linen closet with Tek? Will Kate finally unfurl her wings and reveal that yes, she is in fact a bat person? Only time will tell!

I loved when Billie blasted Chelsea about how selfish and manipulative she's being. Chelsea is another one of those "It's all about me" people. When she started trying to wax poetic about how every child wants their parents together even when they are an adult and how they could be a real family, I had to pause my TV because I was laughing so hard I couldn't hear what was going on. I for one was THRILLED when my parents got divorced. It meant that my house would be peaceful and my parents would be happier. And I wasn't a fetus left in a swamp eighteen (eight) years before, I lived with both of them until I was a teenager. I really think that Chelsea would sell Billie, Bo, Hope and the whole lot of them to a minor demon if it meant she would never have to the inside of a jail cell. Billie seems to almost regret finding Chelsea, not because she doesn't love her, but because she is just trouble day in and day out. I'm sure everyone notices how before Chelsea ran over Zack she would barely spit on Bo and Billie except when she needed something, and now suddenly they are mom and dad and they should be together as a family. I hope they throw the whole courthouse at her instead of the "book."

And while I'm handing out my imaginary awards, the one for most contrived coincidence goes to Hope and Patrick. How magnificently convenient that the house that Hope is renting is owned by . . . None other than Patrick! Okay, getting them to the island was definitely a manipulation on Chelsea's part, but are we supposed to believe that there is not any other house on the island to rent? Really? Because that looked like a big old book of rentals that the airport clerk had. And the whole thing about the flower and the native and finding love on the island? Never mind, I don't have anything else to say.

Why oh why is DAYS breaking up all of the super couples? John & Marlena, Lucas & Sami, now Bo & Hope. Do any of us really want to see any of these couples with anyone else? I don't want to see Hope with Patrick, or Bo with Billie or Sami with Austin and definitely not Marlena with Alex and John with Kate. I understand that there needs to be tension to make a soap interesting, but do they really have to break up every single couple at the same time? Come on, throw us a bone!

So wonderful readers, do you think that Alex is a DiMera reincarnate? Is Mimi's letter what Shawn is reading or did he pick up his "you may already be a winner" letter? Will Hope and Patrick have dream sex? Will Bo shoot Billie for real when he finds out what she did? Only tomorrow will tell! Feel free to email me and let me know what you think!

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