Because I'm crazy for you

There's a new (old) doctor in the house! Which is good, 'cuz Sasha's snatchin' the unattached Zende, Quinn might bring her Liam-stabbing sword out of retirement, and Katie's liking her liquor with a cutting edge! Lie down the couch once again with Two Scoops' Mike!

Has your week been bold and beautiful? Did you get a surrogate for your surrogate ex-girlfriend? Did you develop a love/kill relationship with your "husband"? Was your reunion with your sister a smashing success? These and more situations faced the Forrester-Logan-Spencer-Avant clan this week!

What. Just. Happened? I step away from my columnizing podium for two weeks, and everyone's moved! There are going to be some very confused postal carriers in L.A. between Rick, Maya, and Nicole hightailing it to Brooke's, and Ridge, Caroline, and Steffy descending upon the Forrester mansion. Considering I just lauded B&B for some killer continuity, this seismic shift shakes my faith a bit. But what does that matter when Dr. Chris McKenna is in the house? Let's Scoop about it!

I have to say, Nicole and Zende's breakup provided some kick-ass performances. Reign Edwards is always wonderful, but Rome Flynn really stepped up to the plate as his alter ego gave Nicole her walking papers. Too bad the aftermath has been nothing but Sasha repeatedly panting after the now-available Zende, which is pretty much all she's done since she slinked onto the canvas. I mean, I like her, but is this all she does?

Sasha pouted when Zende put the kibosh on their photo shoot, purring, "I miss the Fun Zende." She doesn't know him well enough to know Zende has any differentiations. And I hope Eric and the new wave of roommates at Casa Forrester are aware Zende has declared his room a no-shirt zone, because he's always bare-chested in there. Obvious much? And why is Sasha always over invading Zende's space?

Where exactly does she hang her halter tops? She's only visiting L.A., and she ain't staying with the absent Avants. That fast food joint back in Illinois must have written her off by now, too, because Sasha is only interested in flipping Zende's burger. She seems to be afflicted with Wyatt Syndrome: keep talking yourself up to make your intended lose interest in the one they really want to be with.

Strangely, B&B had Zende push Sasha away no less than four times in a few episodes, with her coming back every time like the horror movie serial killer that never dies. Why go around in circles like that? At least Zende ended up having some integrity at first, the way he stopped himself from fully giving in to Sasha's seductions. And Sasha cracked me up, talking about how traditional she is. No, girl, you're a slut ho dog!

Again, I like Sasha; she's just a one-note character so far. At least Nicole offers some layers. The youngest Avant conceded she'd asked for too much in hoping Zende could accept her carrying his uncle's baby. Plus, she admitted feeling unsexy and pushing Zende away because she didn't want him to see her changing body. Nicole felt bad that she couldn't have her first time with him. You know what that means? Nicole's the new Mary, because she may have had soaps' first virgin conception!

Rick and Maya felt terrible that their desire for a baby ultimately came between Nicole and Zende, and they should. Usually women in surrogate mother programs are fine with setting aside relationships to carry childless couples' babies; that's the job they take on. Nicole was another story. But Rick and Maya shouldn't feel too bad, because Nicole and Zende were only together five minutes before Nicole met the turkey baster, no matter how Nicole's flashbacks try to tell us otherwise.

Hopefully Zende got the value pack on those condoms Sasha asked for, because Steffy and Wyatt hit the sheets again, as did Liam and Quinn. How come the four of them always have sex at the same time? Anyway, Weffy did the horizontal tango to celebrate their engagement. Engagement? I just can't, Scoopers. Look up "desperate" in the dictionary, and you will see a picture of Wyatt's face. He's just too incredible to be believed.

"You must think I'm moving awfully fast" was his only moment of clarity as he got down on bended knee and proposed to Steffy in practically the same spot he proposed to Ivy barely two months ago. Wyatt drives me crazy because the only way he can get girls is by trying to convince them how much better he is for them than Liam. He's been rolling like this ever since he showed up in 2013, guys. Get a self-esteem, Wyatt!

And Steffy...oh, Steffy. Maybe the dual hair color is telling, because she is clearly of two minds, joyously accepting Wyatt's proposal yet staring at Liam's engagement ring when Wyatt isn't looking. And then she calls Liam to tell him she's marrying Wyatt! "I wanted him to hear it from me," Steffy told her new fianc. Cow patties! She was trying to get a reaction out of Liam so he'd come back and stop her. Steffy as the new Brooke. Who knew?

Yes, the family's lone anti-Logan crusader who talked smack about Brooke to anyone who would listen is now her clone. Try a calculator, Steffy -- you've now been with two brothers and their father, just like Brooke. While Caroline squeed over the news of Steffy's betrothal, Ridge knew what time it was with his daughter. "If Liam walked through that door right now," the original waffler wanted to know, "what would you do?" Touch.

Ridge and Bill would be shocked to know they agree on their misgivings regarding their soon-to-be married children. Bill told Wyatt to his face that he supported the marriage, but the first thing he did once alone was bust Liam's balls over voicemail, telling him to come back and claim what was his -- in this case, Steffy! Captain Caaavemaaaan! Anyone remember that cartoon? All Bill needed was a club and a girl to drag by the hair.

But then Bill betrayed this prehistoric pragmatism by suggesting "how about you come back for the company...how about you come back for your dad." Aww! No, I really mean that. You never get the feeling Bill cares for his sons (except maybe Will, since the tyke can't talk back to him), so this display was nice to see. It's also nice to see that people are beginning to notice that Liam is gone. I was starting to wonder!

One thing I especially like about the "Adam and Eve" story is that B&B is going old school by taking their time to tell it. I have often felt in recent years that the show whips through arcs too quickly, though I realize that's probably in response to our increasingly attention-deficit society. We're about six weeks into Liam's disappearance, and I'm appreciating the more relaxed pace.

Still, I can't help feeling the saga's starting to show its age a bit. Wyatt and Deacon come over to the cabin, talking at full volume, but Liam only hears murmurings. Is that flimsy door made of concrete? And you'd think Liam would eventually come out of the room and see who's visiting, yet he obediently stays put. Maybe that white noise machine Quinn got him really sends subliminal commands! Sit, Liam! Roll over!

It made sense that "Adam" would jump on the Internet once alone with a laptop, but it seemed stupid of the clever Quinn to leave it behind, particularly since Liam just answered her forgotten cell phone. It was funny that a Spencer Publications ad popped up, though. Seems just like Bill's kind of ambush marketing! Speaking of which, Quinn intercepted Bill's message to Liam and texted him back that Wyatt should take over Liam's job! Huh!

It's amazing Wyatt never thought of that himself. After all, the guy swore he would take everything of Liam's when he first solar showered, though Wyatt never followed through on it, unless you count collecting Liam's women. Bill saw "Liam's" text and suddenly decided he'd dogged Wyatt too long. Definitely a new twist on Liam's disappearance; he could get his memory back and find out Wyatt actually has replaced him!

When Steffy learned that Wyatt was considering dumping Forrester to clock in at his "birthright," she pulled rank as president for two seconds before green-lighting the move. With Ivy gone, and Quinn hardly ever there, there's a definite shortage of jewelry designers if Wyatt goes; of course, the company made do without jewelry lines for 26 years before the Fullers showed up. Letting Wyatt leave just doesn't seem like good business.

Deacon's right about one thing: Quinn's charade can't last forever, and it makes me kind of sad. How will the show handle Liam's return to Liamland? Will he go back to hating Quinn? Will he have a new appreciation of her? Will he actually remain in love with her? Yes, A&E exchanged L-words, and Scott Clifton's bringing something so fresh to the amnesiac version of his character that I honestly feel bad knowing Quinn will probably lose him. Very Hitchcockian, B&B, making us root for the bad guy!

And B&B's original bad guy always gets the best lines. "Making him eat meat?" Deacon asked in mock horror, referring to Liam's vegetarianism. Sir Sharpe sneered that Quinn's pink blouse was something Pam would wear then turned on Liam, telling Quinn that "Liam hems and haws too much for you" (preach, Deacon!) and deciding, "You hate him so much, [sex would] be the ultimate turn-on!"

Best of all, the show finally had Deacon bring up the mysterious death of Ricardo Montemayor, "the Hope Diamond guy," which probably happened at Quinn's hands. Quinn waved a gun in Deacon's face when he accused her of the crime, yet they got together anyway, which I could never abide; I'm so happy this major tidbit was dusted off. Deacon was also right that Quinn hiding Liam "only ends one way."

Intriguing that Quinn reverted to her sinister self for show, virtually telling Deacon she throws up in her mouth a little making kissy-face with Liam. Quinn even went the extra Sheila mile and suggested that she'd have to kill Liam, which she more seriously considered as she nursed his headache! Oh, Quinn, that's not necessary. Just take Liam out on the Shady Marlin like Jack Marone and sail away. Believe me, no one will ever see him again.

Hopefully this photo album Deacon did up for "Adam" and "Eve" will satisfy Liam's curiosity. Meanwhile, wasn't it nice hearing Katie talk about something else besides Brooke for a change as she tried to convince Bill to accept Wyatt's engagement to Steffy? Mrs. Logan Spencer was almost like the Katie of old (okay, 2015), though Heather Tom skillfully added a layer of darkness to her character's apparent normalcy.

That didn't last long, though, as we finally got to meet Dr. Hayden, who even makes house calls! (It's called not having to build a separate set for him, Scoopers.) Chris McKenna's dbut took me a little bit by surprise! Given all his hunky, stubbly promo photos, I expected Katie would be hospitalized and nursed back to health by a stud in scrubs. Instead, Dr. Hayden turned out to be an adorkable psychiatrist. That's cool, just different than what I expected!

However, I think the good bespectacled doctor may need to revisit Psychology 101. Instead of listening to Katie's rants about Brooke and asking his patient to delve into the reasons for her own behavior, Hayden cosigned all of Katie's BS and told her Brooke needed to do something to make Katie feel safe! Even latter-day Taylor didn't dispense quackpot counsel like that! There's a reason Katie's insecure. There's a reason Katie's going off the deep end. And it goes back way further than Brooke.

For that matter, the implication seemed to be that Hayden was on hand when Katie struggled with postpartum depression in 2012. So the first thing he should wonder is if Katie's recent descent isn't related. Not to mention, if he was there in the beginning, he'd know that for all the wrong Brooke and Bill did, Katie set the whole thing in motion, trying to set them up because she thought she was dying. Why does no one remind Katie of this? Any shrink would want their patient to take responsibility for their own lives.

Katie, here's a lesson, and learn it well: when you point a finger, you get three fingers pointing back at you. And what's all this malarkey about trusting Bill? I don't think Katie trusts Bill at all, nor should she. The only reason Bill didn't ditch Katie for Steffy is because Katie had a heart attack first! Yet Katie can say Steffy's name with a straight face. I think Katie knows on some level that Bill still has feelings for Brooke, as well, but is swimming in that Egyptian river of Denial like she's in an Esther Williams musical.

Hell -- even Rick, who moved out over a painting and shoots at people when he doesn't get his way, reminded Brooke that Bill is to blame and puts Katie in these positions himself! Maybe Rick's longer beard is cultivating wisdom. Brooke was worried that Bill would only let Katie push him so far, and when you think of it that way, it's amazing Bill hasn't sent Katie packing, or at least locked her in a tower. (Wait, he already did that.)

Instead, Bill had the patience of a saint, gently telling Katie she was creating her own crisis. This is another longer-arc story that's got some cracks in the paint. I'm tired of Katie's caterwauling -- she needs to take some action already. Sleep with the good doctor and show Bill what it's like to be cheated on. Run off with Will. Throw battery acid in Brooke's face -- something. Just quitcher bitchin'.

When Bill took Will to Justin's because Bill didn't want his son around Katie's drunken stumbling, Katie called Brooke and commanded her to come over. At first it was more of the same: Katie accused Brooke of hovering and waiting for the right time to swoop in on her man then declared she wouldn't fall into Brooke's trap, insisting "you think you gifted me back my husband." (Well, Katie, actually...that's pretty much how it went.)

But Brooke finally had enough! She screamed that her feelings were nobody's business and called Katie out on telling Brooke to stay away, only to demand an audience with Brooke for the purpose of punishing her. What the hell was Brooke supposed to do? I loved Brooke finally standing up for herself. I know you could line up Brooke's sins back-to-back and they'd be longer than the California coastline, but for once, Brooke isn't doing anything wrong. About time she told her sister to STFU!

Then an amazing thing happened. Katie cried that no one could love her, hugged Brooke, and swore the drinking and bitterness and accusations were over. It was an honestly heartfelt moment; I believe Katie meant it. And yet, after Brooke left, Katie crawled on the floor to clean up the broken glass she'd chucked and took a sip of booze out of the jagged sippy cup! Was anyone else reminded of Ridge when he cut his hand on a Spencer award and smeared blood on his face? Ooh, Katie ain't right in the head!

So, now you're all doctors. What would you prescribe for B&B's characters, or the show in general? Dole it out in the Comments section below or on the Soap Central message boards, or simply click here to submit feedback. Your comments could wind up in a future column! Like these!

• "Katie's insecurity with Brooke goes back to episode 1. They know each other's truths and buttons." -- Miss Gracie

• "[Now] Liam can save Quinn and be the true knight in shining armor rather than just playing at it. Now that some of Quinn's past history of abuse has come out she is ripe for redemption and the love of a man who will champion her. This is the perfect relationship for both of them. Bring on Quiam!" -- Kat

• "This entire Adam/Eve scenario is awful. It has to stop. Liam needs medical attention...no no no no...Quinn is old enough to be Liam's mother. Yuck." -- Carolyn

• "Yes! Bring back Hope -- we love her! Help Liam to get away from Quinn...he hates her!" -- Abelle

Well, don't get too excited, Abelle -- Hope is coming back, but only for a few episodes. I thought maybe Deacon would tell Hope that Liam is at Quinn's, but there wouldn't be much that Hope could do about it in one appearance. I hear tell Ivy will be back soon, too, for a longer stint. Perhaps it's soap blasphemy to admit I really don't miss either of them!

I yammered on too long for Points to Ponder this column, but I'm trying something new: click on a character's name above to see their profile, and likewise click to flash back to some previous columns to inform your present viewing experience. Let us know how you like it!

Chanel will have her Two Scoops ready to go next week, and I will cover Hope's return March 21. Personally, I just wanna see what Dr. Hayden is like behind those glasses. Keep watching, be alert, and most of all, be bold!

What are your thoughts on ? What did you think of this week's Two Scoops? We want to hear from you -- so drop your comments in the Comments section below, tweet about it on Twitter, share it on Facebook, or chat about it on our Message Boards.