Papa don't preach

Ryan is no longer locked in, Esme is doing his bidding, Sasha is popping pills, everyone is talking about Courtney, and the town is abuzz over Bailey Lou. Read all about this and more in this week's not-so-preachy " Two Scoops.

Dear readers, we suspected the creepy secret that Esme was the spawn of evil Ryan Chamberlain. Seeing our suspicions come to life was even more bizarre than I had anticipated. The vibe between them was unnerving and made me slightly queasy. Ryan doling out his orders for his minion Esme to carry out and her eagerly lapping up his every word made me throw up a little in my mouth. The "You like it when I call you Daddy"-like vibe -- yuck. It's all just so unsettling. But I know that's by design and must-see TV for sure.

The buzz online has been tremendous, and I have read a plethora of theories that I feel compelled to share because they are all so twisted (and fun).

Ready, set, go! Some viewers have mused that Ryan isn't awake and lucid. Esme dreams this as she is merely a serial killer in training, worshipping another psycho. Maybe Ryan is still locked in, perhaps he is not her daddy, perhaps she is just fantasizing the entire conversation in her warped mind.

Other viewers suspect Esme is Ryan's child and that an unsuspecting Felicia is Esme's mommy, pointing back to Ryan and Felicia's relationship and Felicia's amnesia. While the timing doesn't work out because Ryan and Felica were together more than 20 years ago, I threw into the debate that GH often plays fast and loose with time. For instance, the dates on Courtney's headstone indicate that Spencer is 15 now, and clearly, he's not. Not probable, but certainly possible.

Then again, if Heather was Esme's mom, Ryan and Heather had some psychiatric hospital affair, and she was the spawn of two of our favorite villains, it would explain her ultra-evil streak. I'm curious to see who Esme's mother turns out to be.

Some believe that Esme intends to seduce Nikolas away from Ava and that Spencer will walk in on the two of them and run to Trina for comfort, and that's how they will end up together. This leads me to say how truly and deeply I will miss Sydney Mikayla -- she's been such a fantastic addition to the show, and I'm crushed she is leaving. However, I am glad that she has the wisdom and strength to make the best decisions for her future, and I wish her the best in her college years.

I am done with him if Nikolas goes to bed with his son's creepy girlfriend. Unless he is drugged and doesn't know what he's doing. But if he's lucid, gross.

Do you know how many times this week Esme was trending on Twitter? Avery Pohl has given us a villain we can't stop talking about. This young actress takes the material provided and turns in such nuanced performances. She can play Esme as vulnerable, jealous, fun-loving, evil, cruel, and any other emotion they throw at her. She's just a fantastic performer. Did you see her crazy clenched fist under the table? Oh, man, she will blow soon, and I am here for it.

But doesn't your heart break a little for Spencer? I thought Esme's one redeeming characteristic was that she loved Spencer and acted crazy due to her jealousy of Trina. Finding out that Spencer is just a pawn in Ryan and Esme's plot to destroy Ava and Nikolas makes me sad. Ryan said she would get Spencer's fortune. Is she just in it for the money? Spencer was betrayed by his father and is about to be betrayed by his girlfriend. Spencer has defended Esme to all his friends and family because she was the only one loyal to him. When he finds out it was all a sham, I will weep with him. And yes, I know Spencer is a spoiled, entitled brat, but I can't help myself from adoring him, anyway.

I can't conclude my very long section on Esme without addressing the sex tape. What a cruel thing to do! Apparently, Esme just did that to frame Trina, but to what end? If Trina's friends turn their backs on her, I predict Spencer won't, and it will just make them closer. If someone doesn't figure out soon that Esme drugged Trina, I will lose my mind. The entire weekend was Esme's plan that she pushed and badgered people for. It was Esme who set up the drinking game. I have always said that Joss is like Carly, and Carly is brilliant and would not believe that Trina did this for one minute. If Joss thinks any of this was Trina's doing, I was wrong, and she doesn't have Carly's smarts and built-in BS detector.

I am looking forward to Esme's comeuppance because Spencer is related to and protected by Uncle Victor and Uncle Sonny. I pity the fool that incurs the wrath of those two formidable gentlemen.

Next, let's discuss Sasha and Brando. The dead Christmas baby storyline was gut-wrenching, and it made us all weep. We have rooted for Sasha and Brando to find each other again and start to heal over their horrific loss. But then Sasha started popping pills again. After she nearly died. And not just one pill -- many, many pills. She was popping a pill every time Brando left the room. I'm saddened by this. I wanted to be happy these two brokenhearted people got married. Still, it was tainted by the knowledge that Sasha won't even remember the wedding tomorrow or that their honeymoon will probably be in the ER to get her stomach pumped. I mean, I hate to say Gladys was right about anything, but she was right to be worried.

First, how many lay ministers are there in upstate New York? Sam and Jason were married by the waiter at Noodle Buddha, who also happened to be a minister. Brando and Sasha were married by the auto mechanic, who also happened to be an ordained minister. I mean, let's not quibble about little things like a marriage license or anything. I'll suspend my disbelief and pretend they stopped by the courthouse at night on their way to Niagara Falls.

I must give kudos to Bonnie Burroughs. For a little while, I hated Gladys, and I cringed every time she came on the screen. But Bonnie's performances during Liam's birth and death were heartbreaking, and Gladys has softened. I find myself caring about her, which I didn't think was possible. When Gladys was in a frenzy, and Carly took her to see Sonny to get her settled down, I was bracing myself for the door opening and Carly seeing Nina with Sonny again. But I was wrong. Carly stayed focused on Gladys and the situation at hand and didn't let Nina's presence throw her.

I know a lot of you are rooting for Nina and Sonny. Me? Not so much. I admit that I want Nina to get kicked to the curb. I want her to pay for her sin of silence. I want Carly and Sonny to eventually reunite their family. Maybe it will come sooner rather than later, since Ms. Wu is coming back to town, and I am sure an encounter with Selena Wu would make Nina shudder with fear.

Anna and Felicia are about to go on an adventure to investigate Luke's death. I hope that Slim and Felicia find their former flame alive and well, locked in a room with Holly. I have not forgotten that Holly isn't dead. This is the perfect time for me to mention how much I want Lucky and Ethan back on the canvas, too.

Sam, Laura, Drew, and Dante are teaming up to find out what Victor is up to by letting Drew pretend to be activated. Correct me if I am wrong, but did they check to make sure the fake card they put in the box isn't the actual card that activates Drew? I feel confident that Drew will accidentally become activated in this game. I can't even imagine what Drew holds in his memories that would be of use to Victor. Does Drew know where the actual Ice Princess is? Is there some reason why everyone in Port Charles keeps commenting on how unseasonable warm it is? Is Victor the heat miser, and maybe Stavros can come back from the dead again and be Mr. Freeze? Who knows with this nutty show!

We have a new Jordan, and Tanisha Harper hit the ground running and is making Jordan her own. The scene where she wished Portia and Curtis well in their new home and then walked around the corner and clutched her heart was so poignant.

Question... how much do doctors and nightclub owners make in Port Charles? I know doctors make a solid salary, but Jax is a billionaire. Could they afford his home? Or perhaps Jax was living modestly, and his house is smaller and less opulent than I imagine. I'm going to again call for a Jax recast and for Jax to be Carly's rebound guy from Sonny. Again. Who would be a good actor to play Jax?

Readers, I must enter a raging debate. First, allow me to state unequivocally that I adore Roger Howarth. I loved him on One Life to Live, and I loved him on GH. Loved, you say? Past tense? Well, yes and no. I love Roger, but I'm still perplexed why GH writers saw fit to kill Franco and have Howarth play Austin Gatlin Holt. I don't understand it, I will never understand it, and I find myself saying, "This is why we can't have nice things."

As a writer, I understand the desire to shake things up, keep them fresh, and not allow things to become stale and stagnant. But too often lately, the writers seem to like to break things for no reason, starting all the way back with Julian and Alexis.

GH fans widely adored Liz and Franco. They loved that Liz's boys, who have been bereft of a true father figure their entire lives, finally found one in Franco. They loved Franco's' dynamic with Aiden, Jake, and Cam. They loved how Liz and Franco stood by one another, despite an entire town that didn't trust that Franco was indeed a changed man. It was a beautiful story of redemption and love. So, naturally, they killed Franco off and broke it.

Right now, there has been a deafening cry in the GH fandom to bring Franco back. To undo the wrong that was done. To let the past year be a dream. Maybe Liz has been in a coma and dreamed the whole thing like Pam Ewing on Dallas in the 80s.

Austin is likable enough, but he's not Franco. Remember when GH had Tony Geary playing Bill Eckert? Fans were glad to have Tony back but kept begging for Luke. Sonny got to play Mike for nine months; Mike's a great guy and it was a fun diversion, but fans begged for Sonny. This only happens on soaps. HBO didn't take James Gandolfini, kill off Tony Soprano, and make him Joe, the neighborhood grocer. NBC didn't take Steve Carrell's Michael Scott and recast him as the janitor at Dunder Mifflin. Why do soaps do this? You had a character that fans loved and who was one of the reasons they kept tuning in to watch the show and then killed them off. WHY? Someone, please explain this to me.

It's hard for me to root for Austin and Maxie when I see Liz and her kids still grieving Franco. And, also, frankly, I don't trust the writers. Why would we even get invested when they could decide tomorrow to kill off Austin and turn Roger into Joss's new literature professor at PCU? Finn and Anna -- toast. Finn and Liz -- okay, I started to let myself get invested, and now they are "on a break."

While talking about Liz and her boys, I have some comments and questions. First off, the growth spurt of Hudson West has him looking even more like a young Steve Burton. He genuinely could be Jason's son. Fans posted photos of young Steve and Hudson, and it was uncanny how much they resemble one another.

Next up, has Liz forgotten that she has Aiden? She said, "It's so good to have us all together around the table." And I said, "Wait, Liz, you're missing a kid." Where the heck is Aiden? I want to see him. No cooking camp lasts six months.

I loved the scenes this week with Cam and Liz and with Joss and Carly where they comforted their kids over their humiliation after the sex tape. I like when it's portrayed that kids can actually talk to their parents about their troubles and have their parents understand. So often, kids feel they have to hide things from their parents, but the way the GH writers have written these parent/child relationships is heartwarming. I had that sort of relationship with my mom, too. I could tell her anything.

Readers -- news flash! Brook Lynn was seen not wearing a blazer this week! And she looked freaking amazing. I am highly anticipating the blossoming of Chase and Brook Lynn's relationship. They are adorable together, and I want them to make a baby of their own. But not right away. I mean, they can date for a few months before they procreate.

Bailey Lou is getting to know her Aunty Britt, and Kelly Thiebaud was so adorable with that baby! I hope Aunt Britt babysits a lot. And with Brad as her helper. Just imagine those scenes!

Okay, readers, a mystery. What do you think? Is Courtney still alive out there? Suddenly, everyone in town is thinking about Courtney and remembering her -- that's the international soap signal of "she's not really dead." It would be pretty juicy if Uncle Victor had Courtney holed up somewhere to use in his plot with Nikolas and Spencer, but I can't quite figure out what he's up to yet. Would you want to see Courtney back on the canvas? She was a bit of a polarizing character back in the day. Half the fans loved her, and half the fans loathed her. Is it possible, after all these years, that she is alive?

One more topic, just briefly. We are all fans of soap operas. The characters are fictional. Maurice Benard is not actually a mob boss. Genie Francis is not actually the mayor of a town. Avery Pohl is not actually the daughter of a serial killer. It's pretend. It's entertainment. So, do you think it's possible to take it down a notch in the conversations? I have seen some mean, ugly, vile comments on actors, characters, and other fans. Why? Why do you care if someone else likes a character you don't like? Why do you care if I like a storyline you don't enjoy? Why is an opinion that someone else holds so upsetting to you that you would feel the need to attack someone or call them names?

If someone likes Sonny and Nina and you don't, so what? Keep scrolling. Settle down. If someone is rooting for Dante and Sam, and you want Sam with Drew, so what? Why would you need to attack someone because they like two fictional characters in a soap opera? Chill out. Be kind. The world is at war and filled with hatred, and our show, General Hospital, is pure escapism.

If you are spending your day attacking people who don't have the exact same opinion you do on every character and scene, ask yourself why. What could you be doing instead to bring some light and love and goodness into the world? Go watch "Max Updates GH" and get happy. Calm down. Breathe. It's okay if not everyone agrees on everything. We can all enjoy the show in our own way.

What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will Harmony take Nina to tea at the Metro Court and confess she stole Nina's baby? Will Spring Ridge continue its policy of letting teenage interns access serial killers? Will we discover why Victor really wants the family in attendance at Ava and Nik's vow renewal? Will the orderly who called Esme hot survive the week or come to an unfortunate end? Will Liesl and Anna have another ax-throwing date and get pedicures? Will Michael and Willow getting a dog make them more interesting?

Will we discover that Harmony knows Ryan is awake and another maniac's disciple? Will Liz leave the sultry painting Franco did of her hanging above the mantel? Will Aunt Stella ever remember that the papers she didn't mail were Curtis and Jordan's divorce papers? Will Willow let Nina see Wiley when she finds out Nina is her real mommy? Will Sonny confess to Carly that it hurts him to see her, too? Will Alexis open her heart to a new love interest even though her last five relationships were absolute disasters? Will anyone ever miss Aiden? Will we get the Spencer and Trina kiss we have been waiting for before Sydney leaves GH? (Please say yes.)

Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, and I will tune in tomorrow as long as there are tomorrows.

Tamilu

What are your thoughts on General Hospital? What did you think of this week's Two Scoops? We want to hear from you -- so drop your comments in the Comments section below, tweet about it on Twitter, share it on Facebook, or chat about it on our Message Boards.