Why do you have that?

Suspicious pet cages and putty knives, empty vodka bottles and surprise weddings without a bride, ice-skating, hot toddies, and Canadian Mounted police. What a crazy week in Port Charles! Let's discuss.

Dear readers, my husband went nuts this week when the cops of Port Charles took issue with Franco's dog cage. When they said, "Why do you have that dog cage, you don't even have a dog," Jeff made me pause the show and asked, "Why on earth would they be suspicious of a dog cage? We have three dog cages and only one dog. Are we suspects, too?" It's true. We have one in the kitchen that we use to put the dog in when someone comes to the door. We have a foldable one in our garage that we use to take the dog to the vet. We also have a big metal one that collapses that we bought one time when we were traveling cross-country. So, the PCPD would find us very suspicious.

Of course, we do actually have a dog, so we have one up on Franco.

Also, Franco foolishly bought a putty knife and kept the receipt. The message here is clear: throw all receipts away immediately in case someone does something bad with some intimate object you own.

I understand Franco trying to be a good guy and not wanting to hurt Alexis, but I can tell you that if I was being accused of murder and didn't do it and knew who did, I would sing like a canary.

Sonny is also being falsely accused this week, but thankfully Jason and Curtis were able to stalk Patrick Swayze's brother Don (you knew he looked familiar, right?) at the homeless shelter and find out a little more info on who hired him. I kind of wish that Jason and Curtis had gotten the taste for serving those less fortunate and decided to go back weekly to volunteer.

I am curious to see how this all plays out... We know Tonja Walker is back in town, but we don't know whom she will be playing. We saw the photo of the little boy that Sam is assuming is Julian, but maybe Olivia Jerome was born a boy, or maybe Julian has an identical twin sister that he doesn't know about, and it's yet a fourth Jerome sibling. Who knows? All I know is that I am ready for the revelation. Oscar Jessup? Olivia Jerome? Maybe it's someone totally new? Just tell me.

Readers, I had a hard time watching Alexis this week. I was really so over her drinking scenes. I'm glad Julian poured out her booze and rolled her empty bottles down the stairs like bowling pins. He is doing what he can to help her sober up. But once she does sober up and finds out he is using his muscle to intimidate people on her behalf, will she be thankful for his help, or will it refresh her anger with him?

Alexis is braver than I am because if I went to an A.A. meeting for the first time, I wouldn't open by confessing crimes I had committed. She immediately confessed to running someone over with a car. I have trust issues; I would never have admitted that to total strangers!

Alexis stopped short of admitting she had murdered Tom Baker, but she did admit it to Julian. Did Tom rape her or merely attempt rape? If it turns out she was raped, I want to see the storyline play out where she gets help and doesn't just pretend it never happened.

You know, this crime spree has been great for the business at Gene's bar, two months ago, no one had ever heard of it, and now most of Port Charles is there on a daily basis. I bet the Floating Rib is wondering why their business has gone down. People are probably calling Coleman and asking him to come back to get the bar on track again.

Part of Alexis' story should be a cautionary tale to all of you... if you think you are out someplace in a quiet corner, laying low, and that no one will ever know you were there, think again! Those days are gone! Everyone has a phone in his or her pocket with a camera and a video camera, and Alexis got snapped with Tom in someone else's selfie, and now there is proof she was with him on the night he was killed. You're never alone, so always behave honorably, as though someone is watching, because they probably are!

Franco is suspected of a crime he didn't commit. Alexis committed the crime and no one suspects her except Scott, Franco, and now Elizabeth. When Liz saw Alexis come out of the A.A. meeting shaking and nervous, she put two and two together in her mind. Which, seriously, when half the people she knows are at GH, why didn't Alexis pick an A.A. meeting in a neutral location? But I digress.

Will Alexis let Franco take the fall for her crime, or is the person who conked Franco in the head keeping him away to get the cops to stop investigating? Maybe it's one of Julian's goons, but my money is on crazy Heather thinking she is helping her son.

Even though Franco did not murder Tom, there is still the issue of the dog cage, so he could possibly see the inside of a jail cell for that alone.

In other mysteries, what do you suppose Anna did to Valentin on her birthday all those years ago? I'm intrigued. Did she spurn his affection; did he have a different face? Did she arrest his adopted parents; did he used to look like the phantom of the opera? The possibilities are endless. I just hope whatever it is doesn't break Nina's heart.

Right now, Nina is happily occupied planning a surprise wedding for Maxie and Nathan, but the surprise is going to be that Maxie isn't going to be there. She is currently purchasing a ticket to ride out of town, and I fear the wedding will be postponed yet again. Let's just aim for Valentine's Day and be done with it. I'm tired of the stalling on this one.

Does Nelle know that Sonny makes people disappear? If so, why is she toying with him? This is another draggy storyline. Can we please get a clue about who Nelle is, what she is doing, for whom, and why? I'm starting to lose interest fast.

I have heard discussions about people wondering why nighttime soaps are thriving (Scandal, How to Get Away with Murder, Younger, etc.) but daytime soaps are dying. This is why. In daytime, the plot never progresses, and you spend five hours of your life watching a week of episodes where the storyline never moves forward. That doesn't work so well in this instant gratification age. You can't let the audience dangle for months, wondering what the heck is going on. People just lose interest and change the channel.

With rumors that Days of our Lives is on the bubble for cancellation for another stupid talk show, you'd think daytime writers would be pulling out all the stops to get their ratings up. I've seen them do it before. I remember when Ron Carlvati came to GH when it was on life support and raised it from the dead. Good writing and casting can do that!

Did you see the response recently when The Young and the Restless aired an old episode of Victor and Nikki's first wedding from 1984? The viewers went bananas and talked for hours about the glory days of soaps. I'm not advocating GH airing Luke and Laura's wedding, B.J.'s heart transplant, Brenda wearing a wire, or Stone dying every day, but I think it wouldn't hurt for the current writers to go back and watch some key episodes and try to recapture the magic of compelling storytelling.

Rant over.

Next up, Finn. Finn got a haircut, which looks great. Finn took Hayden ice-skating. Also great. Hayden doesn't know this yet, but she should have gotten her sister Elizabeth to teach her to skate. Did you all know Rebecca Herbst was a competitive figure skater? Finn is still addicted to drugs. Not so great. Here is another chance for the GH writers to tackle a social issue that is impacting many people today -- addiction to prescription drugs, or I guess in his case, illegal drugs, but he started using it for a legitimate reason. I'm glad Hayden and Finn are cured of their lizard disease, but I fear it's going to be three more months of watching Finn shoot himself up with drugs.

Another issue that bugged my husband this week was Laura being appointed to the hospital board. He said "Wasn't she in a mental hospital for ten years? If so, what qualifies her to be on this board?" I think that's a bit harsh...To be more accurate, she sat in a chair in a catatonic state, rocking in a chair, staring out the window, and had other people brushing her hair for years. But clearly she is just fine now, even though she hasn't had any of those French treatments, which they said she would need for life, lately. Jeff said maybe her husband used the Star Trek tricorder on her, and now she's healed. (Nerd!)

Readers, I have a theory to run by you. I think Claudette is still alive and that Valentin has her holed up the same place he has Nikolas holed up and that, one day when it's the least convenient, they will both come back together and blow up Nathan and Maxie's marriage and Hayden and Finn's, since those two will still be married should their presumed dead spouses reappear. Thoughts?

While Charlotte was over the moon about her new stepmother Nina, she was rocked by the news that her real mother Claudette had died. I'm wondering how this will impact her relationship with Nina. I predict Charlotte will start acting out and that Nina may be the recipient of her wrath. This might provide the opening for Lulu that she has been hoping for. Charlotte might get that heavenly visit from Claudette she prayed for after all...at sweeps time.

What will happen tomorrow,dear readers? Will Kiki and Dillon be saved by a bus trip? Will Scotty and Franco continue to provide comic relief? Will Sonny feed Diane more leftover pasta, and will Olivia be pissed he is giving her cooking away? Will Sonny ask Nelle for the "blue dress" proof of their supposed fling? Will Bobbie be the one to finally blow Nelle's cover? Will anyone remember Morgan now that the holidays are over? Will the Canadian Mounted Police visit more passing strangers at their lodges? Will all the people in Port Charles throw their pet cages away for fear of being accused of murder? Will someone please make me a hot toddy?

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