Who's your daddy?

There's a whole lot of Papa-drama going on in Port Charles. Sam wanted to know about her father, Silas questioned if Kiki was his daughter, and Maxie attended birthing class with the oblivious father of her unborn child. Liz Masters deciphers the DNA in this week's Two Scoops.

If you are from Port Charles, there's a 99.99% probability that the man you believe is your father is, in fact, not your father. But don't go to General Hospital for a paternity test because there's an even greater likelihood that your test results will have been tampered with. Your best option is to consult a Ouija board, but be sure to ask for Rafe Kovich Sr. However, be warned, it will take several sessions because Rafe Sr. only provides one letter per session, so if your father's name is John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, it's going to take some serious commitment on your part.

I have a confession to make; I squealed with delight when Molly mentioned her father, Ric Lansing. I know Ric had many flaws, but I liked the guy. There was something about him that always pulled at my heartstrings. Perhaps it was because he was raised by Trevor and continually beaten down by Sonny and Jason. Regardless, I liked him, so it was nice to hear that Molly had been exchanging text messages with him and keeping him apprised of what's been going on with Danny.

I giggled when Molly seemed surprised by Rafe's assumption that Molly and Sam had the same father. I laughed even harder at Rafe's reaction when Molly matter-of-factly revealed that Sam, Kristina, and Molly each had different fathers and then added that she had no idea who Sam's father was because Alexis never talked about the man. Only in Soapland is something like that not considered a family secret never to be spoken of, except in hushed tones. After all, Carly has three kids by three different men, as does Elizabeth.

Molly decided that she wanted to know who Sam's father was, so Rafe whipped out a Ouija board to contact his father. Not his biological father, mentally deranged murderer Stephen Clay, but rather the namesake he never met, Rafe Kovich Sr.

Rafe Sr. immediately responded with an "I love you" message and then revealed that Sam's father's name started with a "J," or perhaps it was Rafe Sr's way of saying "Jay." I'm not sure, but it was certainly more than poor Alexis was able to provide.

I felt sorry for Alexis. She had to admit that she had made a series of poor choices at the tender age of sixteen. Alexis had snuck out of boarding school, hit the bar, and had sex with a stranger whose name she couldn't remember. Sam was conceived during that one indiscretion. It has to sting that your teenage years read like an After School Special.

Naturally, Sam didn't care about any of that; she just wanted to know how to find her father because her son desperately needs a bone marrow transplant. Sam's only other option, at this point, appears to be Franco. I can't blame Sam for not wanting to use the bone marrow of the man who tortured Sam and the love of her life. Who would want to taint their child like that if they could avoid it? If there's another option out there, I would probably move heaven and earth to get to it.

Luckily for Sam, her father either has been cast or is about to be cast, so he will be making an appearance sooner rather than later. I'm hoping for the best, but I'm expecting the worst given Alexis' penchant for bad boys. I just hope that he doesn't turn out to be another Cody McCall because that would be utterly anti-climatic. Sam already has enough angst with Franco running around.

That brings me to Franco. I know some feel that the brain tumor storyline was a copout, but the truth is, the writers had to find a way for Franco to stick around. A.J. already used the plea bargain chip, so it was either give Franco a brain tumor or find a way to throw out all of those murders on a technicality. Diane is good, but there is no way that anyone can defend Franco against the charges that he's facing without an alter personality (thank you for not going there) or brain tumor in their back pocket.

The brain tumor was the most efficient route to go for the writers. It acknowledges the past, washes a way the sin, and also allows the character to go in a whole new direction with a shiny new personality. I'm clinging to the hope that the writers decide to go back in time, so to speak, to give us the Jason that would have been if the accident hadn't turned him into the killing machine that he became. Who better than a twin if you can't have the real thing?

I don't want Franco to be that asshat cokehead Jason that we saw during the "What if" episode a few years back, but rather the decent fair-minded Jason that he used to be back when Jason had dreams of becoming a doctor. I don't expect or even want Franco to become a doctor because I think he'd serve a much better purpose at ELQ, but I would like to see a glimpse of the road that wasn't traveled with Jason.

Sadly for Franco, I suspect that his cure will be marred by heartbreak when he finds out that Kiki is not his daughter.

Dear readers, you should have seen my inbox when it was revealed that Kiki is Silas' daughter. I was flooded with emails from relieved viewers who were absolutely delighted that the show didn't go there with the romance. Like it or not, agree or disagree, there are those who were raised to believe that incest in any form is wrong. I feel much better knowing that Michael and Kiki's attraction doesn't have the cloud of incest hanging over it anymore.

Morgan was conflicted about Ava's secret because he genuinely cares about Kiki. However, because he cares about Kiki, he fears that he will lose her to his brother, Michael. I don't blame Morgan because even a blind person can see the sparks between Michael and Kiki, so Morgan has good reason to feel threatened.

I'm trying very hard to like Morgan, but I simply can't. Morgan is a complete jerk. He squatted with his girlfriend in Michael's apartment, behaved obnoxiously, mooched off of Michael until the Quartermaines took his freeloading butt in, racked up $10,000 on Michael's credit card in online gambling, and then had the gall to stand there and complain that Michael annoyed him.

Before anyone writes to remind me that Morgan did try to return the $100 that Sonny gave to Morgan, so that Shawn could beat the snot out of Franco in the privacy of the boathouse, let's not forget that Morgan agreed to keep quiet about the beatdown for free. I don't expect Morgan to run to the cops with the information, but he should at least fess up to Kiki that his Pops was responsible for the attack. It's not like Kiki could use that information to get Sonny in trouble with the law. Without Franco's cooperation, it's simply hearsay.

I realize that this will all be moot when Kiki learns that Silas is her father. She won't have any reason to care about who assaulted Franco because she will be focused on Silas. It will be that secret that will be Morgan's undoing.

My money is on Silas running down to the lab to take a closer look at the results of the DNA screening that Kiki just underwent to see if she's a match for Danny. Then again, there's also the possibility that Silas could find that worn and wrinkled birth certificate that Ava has tucked into her wallet, where most people keep their deepest darkest secrets hidden.

I'm not entirely sure why Kiki has never seen her birth certificate, but something tells me that she's going to be asking for it soon.

I thought that A.J. made an excellent point when he suggested that Kiki wouldn't have been drawn to Michael if she had truly cared about Morgan. Kiki, of course, is suffering from the If-I-can't-have-the-one-I-love-then-I'll-settle-for-the-one-I'm-with syndrome, so I fully expect her to accept Morgan's desperation-driven marriage proposal. The engagement will be the nail in the coffin for Michael and Morgan's relationship because it seems highly unlikely that Morgan will forgive Michael for stealing Morgan's fiance.

Sonny better stock up on the barware. If Morgan holds true to form, he will be moving in with Sonny when things fall apart with Kiki. Morgan will want to hurt Michael by trying to destroy what is important to Michael, so it wouldn't surprise me if Morgan were to try to undermine Sonny and Michael's relationship by getting close to Sonny.

Sonny is going to have his hands full because he's got Dante breathing down his neck about Olivia, who is nursing a broken heart over Sonny.

I have a love-hate relationship with Dante. Sometimes I love him;other times I hate him. This week, I wanted to knock him off of that high horse he was prancing around town on.

I get that Dante is loyal, to a fault, to Olivia, but I thought that it was very arrogant of him to tell Sonny that Connie only wanted Sonny back because Olivia had set her sights on Sonny. Dante formed this opinion based on a conversation with Maxie, not Connie. It's no secret that even at the best of times, Maxie has a very loose relationship with the truth and reality, as evidenced by what she's doing to everyone, especially Spinelli.

What did Spinelli ever do to deserve being denied his child? It was especially cruel of her to agree to let Spinelli attend the birthing class with her. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that Dante is the one who forced the issue, but she could have easily feigned a sudden headache to get out of it. We all know she's going to have an epidural anyway.

I digress. Yes, Maxie encouraged Connie to fight for Sonny, but that's because Connie loves Sonny. Dante and Olivia seem to just blow right past the fact that Connie has and always will love Sonny. Naturally, Connie is going to examine what is really important to her when she's faced with the possibility of losing it.

Sonny is important to Connie. He always has been. As Connie pointed out, she has loved Sonny her entire life, to the point where she literally lost her mind over him.

Olivia has loved Johnny and Steve, so it's not like she's been pining for Sonny all of these years. Connie, on the other hand, was engaged to Sonny several times. Each path she took led her right back to Sonny, which is exactly why Sonny took Connie back when she told him that she wanted another chance.

I know Olivia made it appear that she was stepping aside out of the goodness of her heart, but the reality is that Olivia saw the writing on the wall. Sonny would have picked Connie over Olivia. Dante was right about one thing, Sonny was using Olivia. Oh, he cares about Olivia, but what he feels for Connie is so much stronger.

Time is on Olivia's side because it's clear where all of this is headed. Sonny and Connie's reunion will not last long. Kelly's Sullivan's exit will pave the way for the next chapter of Sonny's life. It will include Olivia, but not Connie.

It seems pretty likely that Connie will meet a tragic end, which will plunge Sonny into a darkness filled with guilt and regret. Olivia's unwavering love will be the beacon of light that pulls him out of the abyss and bathe him in its healing warmth. Cue the wedding march. Guess what? I don't care. I love sappy stories like that, so I will enjoy every corny moment of it.

It's refreshing to have so many couples on the cusp of something great. I miss the Love in the Afternoon days of soaps. Don't get me wrong -- I love action, but my preference is romance. Back to Dante and his attitude. I wanted to slap him when he completely dismissed Olivia's vision of Maxie stabbing Lulu in the back. I recall that it wasn't so long ago that Dante was begging Olivia to channel one of her visions to help him to find Lulu. He believed in the visions then, so why not now? Given the grisly nature of Olivia's most recent vision, you'd think that he'd at least be open to the idea that something bad might happen, especially given the ordeal that Lulu went through when Stavros abducted her.

Is anyone else frustrated by how dense these people are sometimes? I would think that at least one person, beyond Ellie, would have been able to connect the dots between the visions of Maxie and the wolf puppy, Maxie's long history of lying, the one-night-stand with Spinelli, and the recent vision of Maxie plunging a knife into Lulu's back.

Where are Duke and Anna when you need them?

My favorite scenes this week, by far, were the ones with Monica and Lesley at the hospital. I loved seeing the once bitter rivals trading barbs and rehashing the past as only they could. Although it was a little sad to realize that the men that they had referenced were either dead or gone. *Psst, someone call Richard Dean Anderson.

I must say, Lesley looked darn good in that lab coat, so I wouldn't mind if she brushed the dust off of her medical license and joined the staff as a consultant. Better yet, put her to work updating the hospital's policy for what to do when a parent reports that their child is missing.

Did anyone find it extremely odd that in this day and age a hospital would be so lackadaisical about a missing child? Around here, hospitals go on lockdown, issue an Amber alert, and call out the hounds if a child disappears while in their care. It was a true "What the Hell?" moment for me this week.

A few things that tickled my fancy

(Silas enters Franco's room to offer to the DNA swab that Franco has been refusing to let Epiphany do) Franco: "Well, look who's the doctor. Mr. Brother of a serial killer."Silas: "Got nothing on you, an actual serial killer."

(Ava confronts Spinelli when she realizes he's been following her)Ava: "Not only do I recognize you from that diner, but you also fit the description of someone who was badgering my gallerina in New York."Spinelli: "Young, burly, devastatingly handsome?"Ava: "No. More like pasty-skinned and odd. I believe the word amphibian came up."Spinelli: "I take exception to that comparison."

(Shaken by her encounter with Franco, Elizabeth tries to find out why Franco thinks he's Jason) Elizabeth: "Patrick, what the hell is going on with Franco?"Britt: "Why, did you catch him hugging Nikolas too?"

(Monica busts Lesley on a hospital computer at the nurses' station) Monica: (taps Lesley on the shoulder) "What the hell do you think you're doing?"Lesley: "Monica."Monica: "Lester."Lesley: "It's Lesley, Lesley Webber, as I'm sure you remember."Monica: "Lester."

(Monica demands to know why Lesley is skulking around the hospital) Lesley: "I belong in this hospital as surely as you do, Monica. In fact, I pre-date you."Monica: "Yes, you do, to the stone age."

Thank you for taking the time to read this week's column. I love to read your thoughts, too, so click here to send me an email or scroll down the page to leave comments.

Until next time, dear readers, take care. Liz Masters

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