The spew

Is your brain pickled from the endless relish wars? Can ABC brainwash a viewer into watching The Chew with an extended week-long commercial? We're firing up the grill with our resident chef commentator, Tamilu, in this week's Two Scoops.

Back when ABC got the notion to cancel AMC and OLTL and replace it with cruddy talk and reality cooking shows, I started calling The Chew "The Spew" because I was mad at it for existing and taking Llanview away from me. I vowed to never watch it -- no matter how yummy something looked on a commercial -- just out of principal.

I kept that vow until last May when the doctors told my mother her cancer was back and that she would not survive it. I got on a plane from San Diego and went to be with my mother until she died. Turns out Mama really liked The Spew, and so I watched it with her. I didn't particularly enjoy it, but I hated it less because I saw how much joy it brought her. Here she was, totally unable to eat solid food -- I was pureeing things in the blender for her to drink -- but she loved looking at the things they were cooking and imagining how delicious they might be, and so I forgave The Chew a little for her sake.

After she passed away, I didn't continue to watch The Chew, but I stopped saying mean things about it on Twitter, which I felt was very mature of me.

But, after a week and a half of a commercial for The Chew disguised as General Hospital, I am backsliding and pretty much hate it again. Does ABC think if they force me to watch The Chew on GH that I will then start watching it for real? If that was their plan, they failed miserably. I wouldn't have watched anyway, but especially not after I saw them all hurl on the floor with the added visual of a vomit-colored Croc. Pass!

I am so sick of hearing the word relish, I don't even want to eat it again. And I certainly wouldn't buy any Pickle-Eddie or Pickle-Lila in fear it might make me queasy. No one eats relish on Ritz Crackers for a snack. It's not a "thing." No sane hostess would put that out on a party tray. No real cooking show would do a whole episode devoted to the "battle of the relish" wars.

The original concept of this was great -- Edward leaves Tracy the last jar of Pickle-Lila, and she uses it to bring strength back to ELQ. Nice nod to the past and nice to see Anna Lee's sweet face adorning the jar. But it's gone on a bit too long for my taste, and now I'm just bored with it.

That scares me because GH has been so good for so long, and ratings are up, and I would hate to lose the momentum they have built in fixing what ailed GH. #endrant

On to new topics and new characters... The Llanview 3 have returned. We have Blonde Todd, Brunette Star, and Dr. John McVampire.

While I am glad to see these three great actors back on canvas, the only story I am engaged in thus far is Dr. Silas Clay -- Stephen Clay's brother. This way he is at least tied to the former storyline and can interact with Sam and Rafe. Not to mention he's a hunky doctor for GH to hire, and after years of playing cops and vampires, it might be a nice change for Michael Easton to play a doctor. And, let's face it, he and Kelly Monaco have smoldering chemistry, and I don't care what character names they have as long as I get to watch them make out and gaze at each other with wild eyes.

Kiki Jerome, who has gone from being Michael's one true love to Morgan's gambling babe, is a bit less engaging to me. First, Michael doesn't say to the person who looks just like the woman who dumped him: "Hey, this is creepy. My brother is dating a woman who looks just like Starr," This is a test of my ability to suspend my disbelief, but okay, I'll go with it and see how it all unfolds.

Blond Todd, on the other hand, is still a total mystery. Who is he, and why does he care which relish wins? Is he related to the Q's or to Franco? Does he have some connection with Tracy's old mob husband's family? Who knows? All we know is that Scarface is no longer scarred. That shocked my husband (who pretends he doesn't watch GH) because he always assumed that Roger Howarth really had a scar. I started to explain, but he stopped me mid-story...

In other odd turns of fate: Spencer seems younger than he did when he and Nikolas left Port Charles, and a newer, seemingly younger actor is playing Cam, too. In general, they don't decrease the ages of children on soaps, so I am slightly puzzled by that one.

Of course, Maxie who has been pregnant since New Year's Eve, is barely showing a baby bump, while Britt, who just announced her pregnancy at the Nurse's Ball and wasn't showing at all the week before, suddenly has watermelon belly. Maybe they are just checking to see if we are paying attention.

Back to Spencer, Aiden, and Cam, who are now at Grandma Laura's wedding with Great-Grandma Lesley in town for the festivities. Will the wedding happen? Things are starting to get a little shady. Who is Scotty arguing with on the phone? Even AmnesiaLulu can tell that something is amiss.

Do I want the wedding to happen? Mixed feelings. I do remember when Scotty and Laura were first dating and falling in love, and it was so sweet. Part of me roots for Scott, but it's pity-based "Poor Scotty has always loved Laura and never gotten to keep her." In truth, I think I'd rather see Scotty with Lucy, and Doc could go back to wherever he came from.

Dante keeps trying to get Lulu alone to have the time to draw out her memories and each time is interrupted by a phone call or text or knock at the door or shirtless Milo. I am only going to be patient with that ploy for so long, and then I'm going to stop caring about them as a couple and just hit the fast-forward button when I see them. C'mon, writers, you had me enraptured for months, and now you're losing me.

It makes me want to have a good stiff drink with Luke. You know, Luke who swore off the sauce and didn't drink for a year. Can I be honest with you and tell you I'm a little happy about that because that's part of Luke. In real life, I would urge Luke not to drink, but as a fictional character -- we have always loved Luke as a hard-drinking hard-living anti-hero.

We root for him although he's a drunken scoundrel. We root for him even though he raped Laura. We root for him even though he abandoned his kids and was a lousy father. The line between good guy and bad guy is blurred with Luke, and I've always liked it that way. So many soap characters are generic stock characters, but Luke stood out as one of a kind, and I like him a little rough around the edges. Sober, tame Luke has lost a little of his edge, and if Luke wants to down a shot because his ex-wife is marrying his archenemy, that's what the Luke Spencer I know would do.

And I'm glad he kissed Tracy. I like them together. Was I rooting for Luke and Laura to reunite? Yes. But clearly that's not going to happen because the writers wrote that there was no spark in their kiss. Oh well, there you have it. But Tracy is a good match for Luke, too -- although I don't know how you go from having that one all-consuming love in your life and settling for something less. On the other hand, Tracy is different now, too -- so strong; I had no idea Tracy was such a muscle woman; she must have been working out with Alice since she took down Nikolas with one well-placed kick and two body guards to boot.

In other antihero news, Sonny had to go in and drop a cap in some goon's knee because Jason isn't around anymore and Shawn is slow on the trigger. (Did I use all that gangsta lingo correctly? I'm a white and nerdy chick from the Midwest, so I'm merely guessing.)

Morgan got Grandpa Mike's gambling gene and was egged on by Kiki's encouragement. Is she in on scamming Morgan or just an idiot? Is the fact that her last name is Jerome merely a coincidence? (Of course not.) While I hated the plethora of violence that once filled GH, I have to admit I was happy when Sonny burst in to save the day. I guess we all want that -- to know if we were in trouble, there'd be a cowboy outside to rescue us, so again, in real life, I'd say, "Did that guy have a background check before he bought that gun?" but in soap world -- yes, I like when the hero comes in to save the day, brandishing a weapon. Maybe I'm Soap-Bipolar?

What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will Lucy Coe end up back in Shadybrook when she impales Dr. Silas Clay with a chair leg? Will the farm report announce a cucumber shortage due to an unseasonably high number of people making relish? Will Emma go full Parent Trap on Britt when she moves in with them and pull adorable pranks until she scares Britt away? Will people go to the Floating Rib, expecting to find jewelry in their bowl of peanuts, since it keeps happening there? Will Molly go to prom with two dates because she's just too nice to really leave one boy home alone? Will Olivia ask Sonny for a job in his organization after discovering what a natural fit she is as a mob enforcer?

Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, and I will tune in as long as there are tomorrows.Tamilu

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