Much ado about nothing

Easy there, everybody. Salem survived just fine for 44 years without Rafe. So, tone it down before you really start looking desperate. Let me explain why this is a good thing for the entire soap universe, including St. Rafe of Hernandez, in this week's Two Scoops.

I was dreading last week. I knew I'd have to say goodbye to my beloved The Office. Then Facebook informed me that my favorite local sandwich shop was closing. But just as my world was looking gloomy, there appeared a wonderful, glorious, pipe-carrying angel sent to bestow a magic gift upon my favorite soap. I know that not everyone will join me in donning a party hat over the news that Rafe is in a coma. But this really is a great thing. Hear me out.

When DAYS finally stopped messing around and paired up E.J. and Sami, they forgot to craft a plan for Rafe -- you know, the character that hasn't had a single storyline outside of Sami since he's been on the show. (Even the ill-fated attempt to pair Rafe and Nicole somehow wound up in a Daniel/Jennifer/Nicole triangle with Rafe barely a background character.) This attack may not be the answer, but at least it gives the show some time -- even if it's just a few days -- to figure out what to do with him now that he's not leeching off Sami's deep character history.

Sure, Rafe's attack storyline started out rough. A character that disappoints me (Nick) may have attacked a character that I loathe (Rafe), making a third monumentally annoying character (Gabi) sad. Just why am I supposed to care about this? Oh, right. Kate. Duh! As always, thank goodness for Kate.

Specifically, thank the TV overlords for that fantastic firecracker of a scene where Kate confronted Stefano, E.J., and Sami with the news that Rafe was her lov-ah. Lauren Koslow and Joe Mascolo were so brilliant together that it took me a minute to realize that E.J. and Sami were the supporting characters in a scene where people were fighting. Let that one sink in.

To make it all the more amazing, Joe barely had any lines in that scene! He did most of that with his face. With his face, people! If scenes like these are what I get when Rafe is given a break, I'll stand in line with a lead pipe myself.

But right, let's get back to the real victims here -- those poor Hernandez siblings. I felt so...nope. I can't. Gabi's baby (Yes, it shows my large character flaw that I can't even bring myself to call the child "Ari" since I'm still irked that Will had no say in naming his own kid! #soapgrudgesdontdie) is the only Hernandez in town that I care about. Watching Gabi cry at Rafe's hospital bedside was like watching someone cut in line and take the last serving of plain, steamed white rice from a Chinese buffet. Um, no? Stop. Wait. I...never mind. Carry on. I'm good with what just happened.

Like I said, Rafe's course needed to be rerouted.

Sure, I was more than happy to add Rafe to Team Will. But I couldn't help but feel disappointed as Will and Sonny waited patiently for the news that Rafe had succeeded in his task. Listen, DAYS, I didn't spend the last year investing in Will's coming out story, complete with a homophobe ripping Will's child away, to watch Rafe swoop in and be the hero at the last minute. This was, is, and always will be Will's fight. Credit where it's due, message board member bmf1776 wrote, "Nick and Will could have a really great family rivalry, a la Bill and Mickey." Gasp! You may be onto something there, my friend.

Additionally, if Hope treats this like an actual investigation and not a DiMera witch-hunt, we might actually get some background to Rafe's character! The guy is a detective and ex-FBI. I know he's got a boatload of enemies from those cases. Some names may even be in an envelope in Hope's office. Why aren't they suspects? If not from his professional life, maybe Jensen is Jensen Hudson, come to town to finish the job that Meredith started years ago. Ah, the possibilities!

Furthermore, those brief mentions that Rafe may wake up as a different person were not lost on me. This could be an amazing opportunity to reboot this character. Maybe he'll throw a wrench in the Danifer mix and fall in love with Jen. Maybe he'll somehow wake up with Fafe's memories and become that character. Or maybe he'll just wake up and be a lot less smug.

The only thing I know for sure is that, whatever happens, it will be E.J.'s fault.

Did you miss the Blame E.J. Parade when it came through Salem last week? Of course not. How could you? It did at least 17 laps. And that can only mean that E.J. had nothing to do with this. Honestly, E.J. seems like the type of guy who would want Rafe alive to witness the Ejami happiness, assuming that E.J. actually thinks about Rafe these days -- which I don't think he does. We all know that E.J. has a much bigger fish on the line right now.

Still, I don't have any problem with Sami asking E.J. for the truth. If she's going to have to deal with constant accusations from Hope's eyebrow, then it would be good for Sami to have a defense. Plus, if she can't ask him direct questions, they have no business being together.

Speaking of that, Gabi really needs to learn to ask Nick the real questions and not ones that he can answer honestly enough to not lie to her, but not actually answer truthfully. Of course he doesn't know why Rafe wanted to talk to her. There were many reasons, and Nick didn't know which one, so, technically, answering "No" to her question was not a lie. If she doesn't pick up this life skill right away, if not sooner, Gabi's going to have a kid who "spends the night" at a "friend's house" working on a "group project" for "extra credit" in "civics class."

LOOSE ENDS: As a devout Chelsea and Melanie fan, I'm willing to give J.J. a shot. Bratty teens tend to grow up into some of my favorite characters. But I feel like I should remind Master Deveraux that his mother used to investigate things for a living, and Daniel is a brilliant surgeon. The kid needs to step up his game if a broken MP3 player is the best he's got.

Lucas, buddy, I know you weren't around for it, so let me help you out. E.J. didn't have anything to do with Arianna's death. Sami, on the other hand...well, it's just best if you don't use this particular argument when trying to convince Sami that E.J. is a bad guy. You've got more than enough other material.

For many reasons, Brady downright loves Kristen. Or he's at least in love with love. And as far as she goes, giving him an out before their wedding day was quite possibly the most romantic thing that Kristen's ever done in her life. So I want them to marry. Kristen's at her hellcat best when she's protecting something. A powerful Kiriakis heir with a criminal past sure seems like a "something" with a lot of storyline potential.

Here's a thought. If the show is going to rewrite the whole Golden Circle criteria (apparently "Golden Circle" no longer means wedding ring -- alert Freda Payne, Randy Travis, et al.), why not let the right one be the one with whom Abigail can actually have a real conversation about the topic? Abigail was strong and determined when talking to Chad. She's meek and embarrassed when talking to Cameron. I know which one I think is healthier for Abigail.

Sonny is developing nicely into Will's level-headed sidekick. It's very Kayla to Steve. Good stuff! I just wish that Sonny would spill the coffee beans about what Gabi did to Melanie. Will still thinks that Gabi is trustworthy. Sonny could straighten all of that out.

I'm still not totally clear on how Nick is making money for Vargas. It appears to be some sort of day trading. But I don't know for sure. Stock plots without Michael Douglas always seem to fall very flat for me. Now, Nick sharing a cell with Gordon Gekko could have been fun!

I need to see Eric out of that collar. (Calm down, Nicole. I don't mean it that way.) For a genre that rarely shows people working, he's on-duty an awful lot. Would it be too much to see him go for a jog with Brady or have a beer with Roman? If this Nicole/Eric show is going to happen, Eric's character needs to fill out a bit more.

Daniel's hatred for E.J. was a little hard to buy when immediately after telling off E.J., Daniel placed a courtesy call to Kate to give her an update on Rafe. I guess Daniel's too busy forgiving ex-girlfriends that framed him for murder to be bothered being thankful to others that showed him compassion. Tough tacos for you, E.J.

HOT: Johnny swiped Ciara's envelope right out from under her nose! He managed to do it without Caroline or Nicole seeing it either. And his little smirk afterwards was kind of adorable. Of course, the only thing that could foil Kristen's plan was another DiMera!

NOT: Save me a seat on the bus, Marlena. I am D.O.N.E. with John too. I don't even care that you're divorcing a man to whom you're not actually married. John's behaving like such an asshat that I'd fake-divorce him too. His brilliant plan to protect Brady by sleeping with Kristen is kind of like protecting one's house from spiders by burning it down. Are we sure that John can't go look after Belle and Shawn and we can get Bo back?

LINE OF THE WEEK -- Kate Edition! Sami: "I can't imagine anyone being so desperate to jump into bed with you!" Kate (pointing to E.J. and Stefano): "Really? Because these two did!" Mark it down, DAYS fans. That may be the first time E.J., Sami, and Stefano were all rendered speechless with the same line.

Kate: "Listen to Maxine. She knows what she's talking about!" Yes she does, Katie! That's why she made our list of Salem's Top 10 Docs and Nurses.

RANDOM THOUGHTS: Does anyone believe that Hope orders anything "double chocolate" and/or "double cream"?

E.J. was extremely nice to Gabi considering what she did to Chad.

This probably makes me a terrible person, but I found the term "fancy pants lover boy" to be delightfully hilarious.

Hey, Kate Mansi, want to share your arm workout tips with your favorite Scooper? Pretty please?!?!

Are you pumped to see Darrin Brooks back in daytime? Word is that you'll be seeing (ahem) a lot of him!

Kate's tears at the police station were 1-800-TooMuch. It's not like we'd be hard-pressed to find a cop to sleep with Kate, especially since we've done it much better before. (See: Roman)

Isn't Will a bit of a computer genius too? He sure seemed to give those secret gambling hackers grief a few summers ago. Would Will really not be able to find Nick's copies of the recording?

Hey, good news, Sami! Thanks to Brady, you might not be Marlena's least favorite kid!

Kayla and Abe talked about Lexie! Next week, Roman and Adrienne have lunch with Stephanie. Yay for forgotten characters!

Oh, sweet peanut butter cups. Caroline actually thinks that Rafe isn't holier-than-thou. That's almost as funny as Gabi accusing Sami's of being with E.J. for his money.

Not that I mind at all, but why was Abe helping Hope investigate Rafe's attack?

Am I the only one who really wants to meet J.J.'s son-of-a-powerful-politician roommate? He sounds interesting. Provided that he's real, of course.

I really liked Kate's necklace.

Love that Abigail has a folder that reads, "In a Class by Itself." Go on, Abs!

Considering Sami is such a source of stress for Gabi, shouldn't Gabi run screaming from Sami rather than accepting a hug or starting a fight with Sami?

The next time my dishwasher needs to be unloaded, I'm going to look right at my husband and drop Marlena's, "I fell in love with a man of action!" line right on him.

And that's all for this week. Tony and I are off to change into our white-tie attire for Bristen's wedding. Oh, who am I kidding? We wear that stuff all the time. You can't ever be too prepared for a party. Hope to see you all there!

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