Bridge repairs

Ridge tried to propose his way through reconstruction while Shirley ordered a demolition for Sally. But what's with all the potholes in the road? Get on the freeway with Two Scoops' Mike!

Has your week been bold and beautiful? Did you literally engage in some tea sipping? Did you buy cameras in the multi-pack? Did you pass around a giant bottle of Milk of Amnesia? These and more situations faced the Forrester-Logan-Spencer-Avant-Spectra clan this week!

Well, Scoopers, jet boating and the Sydney Harbour Bridge have now been relegated to the annals of B&B history. And I admit there was something electric about #Bold30, between those Australian flybys and the new old credits, which I am still having a love affair with. But did some story points get lost with the luggage? And why does everyone seem to have some kind of soapy Alzheimer's? Let's Scoop about it!

NICE DAY FOR A WIPED WEDDINGI feel like I missed some episodes, but I know I didn't. Everyone straggled back into L.A. from Australia, which is the most anticlimactic remote finale I've ever seen. Brooke cancels her wedding while her family flies home, thinking it happened. Weren't at least some of them supposed to be in attendance? And then Brooke runs into Bill in front of the Sydney Opera House, gives him a hug, then nothing. What happened there?

Some fans think Brill must have married in secret, and, given this purposely unanswered question, that's certainly a possibility. Not that I can ship Brill. They were born out of cheating, and it's been my experience that a relationship never loses the tone of how it starts. So I can't understand why so many people seem to be rooting for these two. Besides, all the Dollah does now is mope about Brooke. Did his balls fall off?

So Rick and Maya, who only get to comment on others' stories anymore, were so hot for deets about Steffy and Liam's wedding that they could see Eric's smartphone photos from far away. Who took all the Queric pictures? And how come the subject of Bridge's not-wedding took so long to come up? No one said anything about it until they were back in L.A.? Not a single phone call, text, Instragram post? I find that hard to believe.

THE ANSWER TO THE QUESTION MARKEric must be a closet Duran-Duran fan, because his reflex was to ignore all the signs that were directly in front of him. Despite knowing longer than anyone that Brooke didn't marry Ridge, the Forrester patriarch suddenly decided he needed to know what went down and pulled a Stephanie, badgering Ridge and Brooke to tell him what led to their nixed nups.

But whereas Gangsta Granny would have extracted answers, Eric responded to Bridge's deflections with grand statements about how much he loved and trusted Quinn, yada-yada-yada. I can't ship Queric, either. Eric was with Sheila Carter for three years. How many dozens of secrets and misdeeds did she keep from him? Eric should be able to smell bull-oney from the next county. Ain't nobody got time for that.

And what to say about Quinn. This is the woman who smoothly lied her way through attacking Liam, faking therapy, Ivy's river dance, turning Liam into Woodsy Owl -- the hits keep on coming. Now she stands there with such a bad poker face, I'm surprised Lady Gaga didn't show up at Forrester to school her. Quinn babbled and blundered, guilt drawn on her face like one of Eric's sketches, yet Eric couldn't hear the cluephone.

MILK OF AMNESIARemember SCTV, Canada's answer to SNL? One of my favorite skits is Catherine O'Hara taking Milk of Amnesia and then forgetting why. Brooke obviously picked some up Down Under, because she just couldn't believe Ridge would fool around with his father's wife! His father's wife! "The whole thing sickens me," she told Katie. I'm sorry, no retcon in the world is going to make that sentiment work!

Surely one of the Forresters still has that VHS tape of Ridge in the lab, making love to Brooke -- who, at the time, was his father's wife. Yeah, wasn't so sickening when it was you, was it, Brooke? Whether or not Quidge's four kisses were cheating is debatable, but what Brooke and Ridge did then was way worse. So I'm so not about Brooke being all pious with this. At least not without correctly acknowledging her history.

And there was so much of that this week. Clear violations of B&B's own timeline, which is documented in that 30th anniversary collector's edition of People and right here in Soap Central's archived recaps. Zende, Rick, Shirley, Steffy, Ivy...they were all guzzling the Milk of Amnesia. We know a soap with decades of story isn't going to get every detail right. But don't make like stuff we saw didn't happen.

Why can't Brooke forgive Ridge, anyway? "I made a mistake," Ridge whimpered. That was exactly Brooke's claim when she did a masked Oliver, standing up, while somehow unable to tell Oliver's junk wasn't Ridge's. That wasn't worse than four kisses? Ridge shrugged it off with an "Oh, Logan." But Brooke is freaking out more about Quinn than she did when Ridge kissed Bridget, and that was much grosser on the gross scale.

I liked that Ridge owned being self-involved and arrogant; he's always been. Most guys get their girls flowers when they're in the doghouse. Ridge proposed instead. Maybe it's because he knows Brooke loves proposals. They're an aphrodisiac to her; Hope didn't get her "Hope's Perfect Wedding" idea from nowhere. But though Brooke cried like her bra was stuffed with onions, she told Ridge no way, no day. As a Valley Girl should.

CHOCOLATE CHAI, JASMINE GREEN, ON THE COVER OF A MAGAZINEThere must be some unwritten law in the B&B universe that says the only thing Katie gets to do when she's not with Bill is make everyone else's business hers. "Kate" was the only Logan that Stephanie liked; maybe La Forrester bequeathed her with some busybody tutorials. Or maybe Taylor skipped her only surviving daughter's wedding to teach Katie how to pry on cue. Katie's been downright annoying lately.

So who expected the girl who once wouldn't go outside because of her pimples to sit herself down in front of an attempted murderess and demand a pot of tea in exchange for her silence over Quinn's liplocks with Ridge? Wow! "I'm a strong swimmer," Katie smirked when Quinn predicted Katie would drown in the truth along with her. Was this the best part of the week or what?

Not quite as good as Stephanie extorting a foot rub out of Brooke, or Steffy getting a date with Oliver out of blackmailing him and Brooke with their mask boink, but I'll take it. Yes, meek little Katie actually made big bad Quinn her bitch -- looks like those two marriages to Bill weren't for nothing! What fun, watching Quinn squirm while Katie griped that her mint tea wasn't hot enough. So tasty!

Still, we're not going to forget that Quinn's favorite baseball stadium is Candlestick Park. If the former Fuller fantasized about beating Katie to death over flirting with Eric, what should she be doing about actually being blackmailed? Exactly. Quinn's story should always have been struggling with keeping her crazy in check, not doing taste tests on Ridge's tongue. Now would be such a great time for Quinn to revert. Let's go for it!

I'LL SEE YOUR ELECTROCUTION AND RAISE YOU TWO SNUFF VIDEOSDude, seriously, what is up with Steffy and Ivy suddenly being BFFs? A year ago, Ivy skipped town because she was tired of ending up in the hospital every time Steffy confronted her. Would you let the woman who threatened to send you to jail for killing your cousin plan your wedding? Come on, B&B, make it reasonable. It's enough to wish Ghost Aly would come back and show Evil Floating Darla Head how it's done.

Steffy must have had her honeymoon in Genoa City, where Victor Newman is known throughout Wisconsin for his feud with "that damn Jack Abbott!" Yes, like TGVN, Steffy is functionally incapable of referring to Sally without adding her last name. Oh -- note to Steffy and everyone else at Forrester Creations: we are already tired of hearing about that damn zip line. So cool it already. "You got that?"

No, though Steffy had no reaction to "Sally Spectra" clearly being present at her wedding, she made sure to keep giving Thomas a hard time about it. However, Steffy warmly understanding that Thomas really likes Sally threatened to melt my icy cockles. But I don't believe Thomas' claim that Sally took no unauthorized pictures. He simply could not have missed that flash of fuchsia out of the corner of his eye. Nuh-uh.

I GET NO RE-SPECTRAThe biggest doses of Milk of Amnesia were being chugged by anyone who had anything to say about the Spectras. Where does Zende get off being all square-eyed about Coco? His adoptive father was only working at Spectra when he met his adoptive mother! And Rick, shut the hell up. You stole Forrester designs just like the Grand Diva herself and took 'em to Jackie M. Does B&B think we don't remember?

Please, knock it off about Forresters and Spectras not being able to get along. I mean, I really wanted to smack Shirley this week. The fashion families managed to put aside plenty of animosity over Thorne and Macy's union, and Sally and Stephanie were hair-cutting BFFs by the time Aly was born. Do not sit there and rewrite history on me that blatantly. Create a new feud if you must, but the old one ended. We can prove it!

Sally was back designing, determined not to let one bad review get her down. Where was that moxie weeks ago? Sally was ready to turn in her red and yellow wardrobe the minute Jarrett's battery acid review came out. And Sally has mentioned that she designs all her own clothes. By now, she's been in a couple dozen ensembles -- market those! They're garish and daring and fun and set apart from Forrester's fancy couture.

And for a fashion house that doesn't have a pot to pistachio in, how can Saul and Shirley afford to mount cameras in multiple pieces of Coco's jewelry? Saul managed to print out screen captures of Forrester designs as if Ridge had stood there and designed them in person. And you'd think Coco would ping the way Grams keeps forcing accessories on her.

THE FAMILY JEWELSI know love makes you stupid, and puppy love makes you stupider, but R.J. -- who keeps kissing Coco but never actually takes her out on a date (because that's how Forresters roll) -- received specific orders from Steffy to deliver Ridge's probable showstopper to the vault. Instead, he shows it to Coco first thing. If R.J. were on the Enterprise, he would have gotten it blown up by Romulans by now.

The other thing I didn't understand was Sally's complete shock when Saul produced duplicates of Ridge's designs, considering Sally watched the feed where R.J. showed Coco the first sketch. Hell, Shirley knew Sally wasn't on board with the knockoffs before she even went to Australia; why didn't Shirley just have Saul produce the stolen designs while Sally was gone? At least then Sally would have a legitimate alibi.

Then Darlita, whose schtick about her nails is already like nails on a chalkboard and on par with Pam and her never-ending lemon bars, was tasked with monitoring the live feed on the Coco Cam. Why? Isn't this footage being recorded somewhere for them to fast-forward through 'til they hit something good? I have to say, it was almost worth it, though, when Darlita got an eyeful of Rick in the process of revealing his family jewels!

It seemed innocuous enough that Coco innocently pushed Maya to try on her brooch (Maya compared herself to Stephanie, but La Forrester would never side-eye), so it was genuinely funny when Darlita assumed Coco was making out with Rick! "That girl sure can multitask," Darlita head-scratched after the "busy" Coco hung up on her. Not sure if that will factor into story, but the moment was worth it for the yuks we got out of it.

NYAH-AH-AHHHIt's official: I no longer like Shirley Spectra. When did the bumbling baker we were introduced to turn into Snidely Whiplash? All she needed was a mustache to twirl. And this woman is stone cold. "Your parents dumped you," Shirley sneered to Sally, "and all your rotten boyfriends!" Um, Shirley, should we mention that one of Sally's parents is your kid? I'm gonna assume son, given the proliferation of the Spectra name.

"Prison is giving me cold feet!" Sally insisted when Shirley bragged that the O.S. (Original Sally) never went to jail for filching Forrester designs. Shirley had no sympathy, even though her own child went to the slammer, forcing Shirley to raise Sally. Oh, no. Instead Shirley fumed that she would not be dumped after all she did for Sally. "You owe me!" Grams demanded. Is "bitch on wheels" in the dictionary?

Shirley rubbed her hands together as Saul, who is not a designer, tweaked Ridge's creation (really just changed the color; big deal). "I was just trying to rebuild the legacy," Sally practically cried, which is a satisfying bit of motivation for both her character and her first episodes on the show. Then Shirley really broke her granddaughter's spirit by announcing that "Sir Abs-A-Lot" had a baby!

I can't understand why Shirley is suddenly being written like a soulless villain. Yes, we know Patrika Darbo's Nancy on DAYS went the diabolical route, but Shirley was Sally's lackey when they first came on two months ago; now it's the other way around. nuSally is channeling her great-aunt's big heart, but are we really to believe this Vampira is the sister of the original Sally Spectra we knew and loved? Defang Shirley, B&B -- fast.

CHICKEN AND DUMP-LINGSUnder command of Commandant Shirley, Sally simpered over to Il Giardino to give Thomas his walking papers. Considering all the lame reasons unwilling dumpers have used to ditch true loves under duress over the years, Sally citing the revelation of Caroline and Douglas was actually quite a good one. Are we laying the groundwork for Caroline to come back and battle Sally for Thomas and his perfectly stubbled face?

Come to think of it, why didn't Thomas tell Sally he was a father? His "I don't know why I didn't" is up there with Ridge's "I don't even like the woman" excuse for Quinn. Thomas hinted he didn't feel comfortable, but that's not consistent with the guy who shouted Douglas' name to the rooftops less than a year ago. It's hard to believe the tyke never came up during all the time Thomas spent with Sally in Australia.

Sally ordered the hot potato so she could drop Thomas like one, but the kid who once got his hair clipped by a menacing Sheila wasn't having it. Thomas wasn't going to let Sally walk away. He really cared about her. She made him laugh. Then he said those three little words, and it wasn't "Let's order dessert!" Hey, at least Thomas and Sally have been out on three or four dates, unlike R.J. and Coco.

I honestly thought Thomas was going to propose, but I guess he's saving that for the fifth date. Rut-ro! Sally's about to rip Thomas off against her will and has now gotten up close and personal with the L-word! Should she tell Thomas about Shirley's nefarious plan? Should Quinn go back to her cliff-pushing ways for Katie? And which couple works less for you, Brill or Bridge? Put up some orange cones in the Comments section below or on the Soap Central message boards, or simply click here to submit feedback. Your comments could wind up in a future column! Like these!

"I was excited about the Spectra return, but am finding the story lines stupid and the new characters irritating. I can honestly say that there is not one storyline that interests me on B&B right now. I wish that they would bring back Caroline -- I had really gotten to like her. Oh well, hopefully things will improve...soon." -- Mary

"I agree with Mike on a few questions that I also had -- the Spectra last name, RJ not being in school (him being in high school and Coco in college makes me question) and the rewriting of history (some not so far back), assuming we won't remember; we do." -- Patty

"To my recollection, Bill Spencer Jr. was born on Bold and Beautiful. His mother was played by an actress who also played Jill on Y&R for a while, and went on to Days of our Lives. I believe the actress was the same age as the adult Caroline Sr." -- George

Not quite, George! Bill Jr. was not introduced until 2009. You may be thinking of Mark Maclaine, who was in part raised by Bill Senior and whose mother was Margo Maclaine, played by Lauren Koslow; she eventually signed on as Kate on DAYS. (And it appears Koslow was also Lindsey Wells, not Jill, on Y&R, before her stint on B&B.) But that's not bad considering how long ago it was!

While we're on the subject of digging into the past, I am still celebrating #Bold30 by doing up profiles for characters whose heydays were in the '90s. Grant Chambers? Anthony Armando? Jessica Forrester? They finally have a place in our Who's Who in Los Angeles section. With more coming. Check 'em out!

Chanel's back in one week, so I'll see you in two. Keep watching, be alert, and most of all, be bold. And remember, now more than ever, no matter color, creed, religion, gender identity, or orientation, we're all beautiful.

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