If I wrote The Bold and the Beautiful: The 2017 edition

Weary of triangles and seen-it-all-before antics? Let Two Scoops' Mike kick off 2017 with a B&B that could be in a very special column!

Has your week been bold and beautiful? Did you ask your granddaughter "Who wants to be a millionaire?" Did you almost lose more than your heart in San Francisco? Did you wish for something more than triangles on your screen? These and more situations faced the Forrester-Logan-Spencer-Avant clan (and Two Scoops) this week!

Well, it's a new year, Scoopers! Perhaps more than ever, it's hard to envision what the next twelve months will hold, but it seems that at least B&B is consistent. I've read all across the "Innerwebs" that many of you are tired of the never-ending triangles and the same few stories told over and over. You know I'm with you on that. Which makes now the perfect time to delve into bold flights of beautiful fancy. Let's Scoop about it!

KEEPING UP WITH THE JONESESAs I don't typically watch on non-column weeks (I binge watch on my week), and last time out was my Best & Worst 2016 column, I'm just now getting caught up. Let me see if I've got things straight. Eric is bribing Steffy to stay with Wyatt. Wyatt is being pathetic about Steffy. Liam is being pathetic about Steffy. Bill is being pathetic about Brooke. And Ridge is trying to seduce Quinn to get her out of the Forrester family. Does that pretty well sum it up?

Last week, Chanel expressed that dangling carrots is what Eric Forrester does, but I'm not sure I agree. Yes, Eric has tried to delegate positions of power by conducting fashion contests, and three years ago, Eric did offer Ridge the CEO seat if he'd dump Katie for Brooke. But there's something deeper and darker about Eric doling out mansions, paintings, and seven-digit figures just to keep Steffy with Wyatt.

Would any amount have convinced Eric to stay with Stephanie when the show first started? I doubt it. This is on par with Eric's post-Quinn behavior and not with the gentle "live and let live" stance he usually takes, as Wyatt put it this week. I don't think Quinn is drugging Eric or anything (though that would be soapily diabolical), but he's not firing on all cylinders, either. He did have a brain hemorrhage, after all.

Of course, that doesn't explain what's driving our other characters. Bill, Liam, and Wyatt are all making wusses out of themselves for women, and it's not an attractive look. It's also not entertaining television. The only truly interesting thing going on at the moment is Ridge's attempted seduction of Quinn. A lot of you brand it as disgusting, but there's clearly a similar love-hate vibe between them, as there was between "Adam" and "Eve."

JOSÉ CUERVO, YOU ARE A FRIEND OF MINESo Eric, who after 25 years is still butt-hurt he lost Brooke to Ridge, sends Ridge and Quinn to San Francisco for a design symposium. Well, much like Wyatt and Hope's diamond-digging trip to Mexico, Ridge and Quinn ended up alone in a sexually charged situation. Woulda worked, too, except the cute bellboy finked that Ridge had canceled the original two-room booking in favor of one room and a bottle of tequila.

"Did I dance on the bar? Did I start any fights?" goes the old Shelley West country song. No to the bar, but a fight did start between Quinn and Ridge when she figured out Ridge's compliments weren't on the up-and-up. I'm surprised Ridge tipped his hand about working to ruin Quinn in Eric's eyes. So what now? Quinn exposes Ridge to Eric? Quinn and Ridge have raucous hate sex? Brooke finds out and ditches Ridge for Bill?

Some are envisioning that Brooke will pull a Star Wars and bring a New Hope back with her from Milan. There's nothing substantiated about that, but for myself, I envision a new hope for B&B in the form of what I might do were I sitting in that Head Writer chair. Easier said than done, of course, since a lot more goes into writing a soap than blue-skying ideas. But let's give it a whirl. It's "If I wrote B&B: 2017 edition!"

A QUINTESSENTIAL COMEUPPANCEAfter Eric pays ex-flame Lauren Fenmore a visit in Genoa City and tells her about Quinn, and Lauren becomes concerned. She visits L.A. and gets an earful about Quinn from Liam; when Eric slips and says his marriage to Sheila is fine, Lauren suspects that Eric has early-stage dementia. Ridge abandons his plan to seduce Quinn and grills Liam, who recalls that Deacon was an accomplice in his captivity at Quinn's hands.

Tracked down by Ridge, Deacon admits Quinn tried to kill him by pushing him off a cliff; Ridge offers immunity, but Deacon says he can't press charges because there were no witnesses. However, Deacon shows Ridge the video in which gem owner Ricardo Montemayor implicated Quinn in his death. Ridge and Deacon fly to Mexico and find proof that Quinn murdered Montemayor to get the HFTF diamond for Wyatt.

Quinn's arrest attracts the attention of police chief Dave Reed, the officer Brooke was engaged to in 1987 before meeting Ridge. Brooke and Dave reminisce and catch up on 30 years of Logan history. Ridge worries Brooke may respond to Dave's continuing feelings for her, but Bridge pulls together stronger than ever. Eric receives treatment for his dementia and divorces Quinn when he's of sound enough mind to.

STILL THE ONETired of Liam and Wyatt fighting over her, Steffy moves on alone. In the spotlight because of her social media following, Steffy is accosted and nearly killed by a stalker, but Bill saves her. Bill admits his remarriage to Katie and tempestuous relationship with Brooke were only efforts to forget his 2011 encounter with Steffy, while Steffy cops to being too young then. Still has a hot reunion, which leaves both Wyatt and Liam licking their wounds.

Admitting Forrester was its most successful with Brooke at the helm, Steffy makes Brooke CEO, declaring it's what Stephanie would have wanted, then joins Bill at Spencer Publications, given her social media success. Bill has his hands full when his disapproving mother, Augusta Spencer (played by ATWT's Elizabeth Hubbard), checks in, ranting about Bill's running of Spencer and romance with the much younger Steffy.

TWO QUEENS FROM THE SAME DECKPsychiatrist James Warwick comes out of retirement to determine whether Quinn is criminally insane. With him is his daughter, Mary, a.k.a. Erica Lovejoy; Mary apologizes to Rick for trying to come between him and Amber, learning Amber is now a big recording artist in South Africa. Lauren tells Mary how she shot her mother, the nefarious Sheila Carter, who'd had plastic surgery to look like Phyllis Summers.

Mary reveals she's been getting anonymous letters and believes Sheila is still alive. Lauren and Mary exhume Sheila's body in Genoa City, where DNA testing reveals the corpse is actually Sugar, the accomplice who helped Sheila kidnap Ridge in South America. Ridge recalls how Sheila used Diana, her infant daughter with Massimo Marone, as a shield. Mary and Lauren worry that Sheila might come after them again.

Lauren, Mary, and James visit Sheila's dying mother, Molly Carter, at her infamous farmhouse in Michigan and are stunned to find Sheila alive and married to her old cohort, Mike Guthrie. Sheila still walks with a limp from the broken ankle she sustained while she and Lauren were trapped in a bomb shelter by Tom Fisher; Sheila tells everyone that she and Mike have been taking care of the ailing Molly for years.

Sheila assures Lauren that Ryder and Daisy were not her kids by Tom nor was Lauren clone Sarah Smythe her sister; Sheila also admits that Diana was not Massimo's daughter, or even her own. On her deathbed, Molly confesses that her maiden name is Fuller -- and that Quinn is Sheila's half-sister! In court, James puts Sheila on the witness stand and delves into Quinn's abusive past. Sheila is willing to go back to jail, but the Forresters don't trust her apparent rehabilitation, especially after witnessing Quinn's.

MY HEART BELONGS TO DADDYHaving returned from New York, circumspect about his relationship with Caroline, Thomas confides to Steffy that Caroline became increasingly distant in the Big Apple. Caroline brings Douglas home and tearfully tells Thomas to raise him, finally admitting she's developed leukemia, like her namesake aunt. Karen arrives with Danielle and says Caroline will have a better shot if she can get an immediate transfusion from a relative.

Karen, Bill, Liam, and Wyatt all line up as potential donors, but none of them are the right match -- and Wyatt pales when tests reveal he isn't a Spencer after all. Desperate, Karen calls former fianc Connor Davis, who is stunned to learn Karen had their daughter in secret. Connor has the perfect blood type, and Caroline is both overjoyed and overwhelmed to finally learn the identity of her father.

As a result of bonding with Connor and her leukemia going into remission, Caroline realizes she has doubts about Douglas' paternity. She has Thomas submit to a DNA test, which confirms that Ridge is actually Douglas' father. While Ridge has made peace with Douglas' conception, Caroline apologizes for normalizing it; Caroline declares she will raise Douglas herself but wants Thomas, Ridge, and Brooke to be a part of his life.

I HAVE A DREAMNicole begins a sweet romance with Carter, only to discover she can have no more children. Nicole decides to seek sole custody of Lizzy and is awarded such after a bitter court case with Rick and Maya. Devastated, Rick reflects that perhaps this is karma for how horribly he and Maya treated everyone when he was CEO, but Maya becomes increasingly angry over Nicole's betrayal.

After being hassled over which bathroom she's allowed to use as a transgender woman and outraged over the heightened racism in America, Maya channels her anger and becomes an LGBTQ activist. But when her outspokenness incites someone to firebomb Brooke's house, Rick moves Maya to their own secluded place to protect Brooke and Ridge. Maya continues speaking out but begins receiving death threats at Forrester.

Sasha's mother, Lucy Thompson (played by AMC/GL's Shari Headley) reads about Maya's activism in a Chicago paper and heads for Los Angeles. Knowing Lucy resents Julius for denying Sasha a father, Sasha affirms that she has a place in the Avant family now, but Lucy privately wants revenge on Julius for taking her innocence and for the humiliation he caused her and Sasha.

BLAZE OF GLORYNick Marone arrives in the halls of Forrester with his ten-year-old son, Jack. Having sailed around the world several times together, Nick has news that his father, Massimo, was traveling with Sally Spectra when they were killed in an avalanche on the Swiss Alps. All who knew Sally and Massimo prepare a lavish memorial gathering at Forrester Creations; Sally's ex-husband Clarke Garrison and son C.J. come home for the commemoration.

One-time Spectra employee Felicia brings her preteen son Dino, and Thorne returns to pay his respects to Sally. Jackie is on hand to remember Massimo, with Bridget, Owen, and grade-schooler Logan in tow. B&B fills two episodes with flashbacks of Massimo and Sally, with characters remembering their best and worst moments, especially Sally's outrageous antics.

In the middle of the memorial, a raging fire breaks out at Forrester, with everyone's lives in the balance. Sworn enemies and virtual strangers must rely on each other to survive. Is the arsonist loose cannon Lucy? Is the vocal Maya the target of racists? Sheila appears between the flames, but she and Mike are there to help and rescue several characters. Suddenly, there's a shadowy figure -- Sheila tackles her -- it's Quinn!

Prison escapee Quinn seems to convince Sheila to go on the run with her, but Sheila apprehends her; when the smoke clears, Sheila explains that she wanted to make up for all the damage she inflicted on the Forresters. Quinn is returned to jail, but Sheila is absolved and allowed to go home to Michigan with Mike, while Mary decides to accompany them and promises James he'll never lose touch with her again.

KEEP IT TOGETHER IN THE FAMILYTwo revelations come out in the wake of Massimo and Sally's passing. First, Massimo lied about Ridge being a Marone and fudged his blood tests in a failed attempt to reclaim Stephanie. Ridge and Bridget are creeped out about having kissed as half-siblings, but they let it go. Eric admits resenting Ridge after being led to believe he was a Marone; Eric and Ridge patch up their hostilities over Quinn and move on.

Second, Thorne learns that Massimo moved the presumed-dead Macy to a European clinic for Sally. Thorne flies there and finds a hostile Adam Alexander at his comatose daughter's bedside. Adam blames Thorne for Macy's condition but softens when he learns how Thorne lost both his wife, Darla, and daughter, Aly. Thorne and Adam remember Sally and express a wish that Macy will wake up one day.

RISING FROM THE ASHESJackie, Nick, and Clarke visit the boarded-up Jackie M, recalling the time Stephanie worked there with them. With Nick inheriting Marone Industries and Jackie no longer interested in fashion, they gift the company to Clarke, who rebrands it Spectra Fashions to honor Sally. C.J. runs the business while designer Clarke recruits former Spectra intern Dylan Shaw, now a renowned designer in his own right, to work alongside him.

Reeling from the upheaval in his life, Wyatt takes over the jailed Quinn's jewelry business, renaming it Fuller Artisan Jewelers. Ivy joins Fuller Artisan and wows with her designs, while Liam increases business by giving Wyatt an Eye on Fashion cover. Now a legitimate design house, Spectra offers Wyatt an exclusive contract, with Ivy's creations on display during Spectra's grand-reopening fashion show.

After a groundbreaking showing, which features a comprehensive Sally Spectra retrospective, Ivy is surprised to meet Dylan's wife -- her half-sister, Jessica Forrester. Ivy and Jessica had heard of each other, but for some reason, their mothers Claire and Maggie, respectively, decided to keep them apart. Jessica is glad to have a younger sister and fills Ivy in on her virginal escapades in L.A. in the mid-'90s.

IT'S NOT NICE TO FOOL MOTHER NATURETracking the Avants to their modest new home, an armed Lucy lies in wait for them. Vivienne is stabbed trying to keep Lucy from kidnapping Julius. Maya, Nicole, Rick, and Carter frantically search for Mr. Avant, but Sasha locates him and texts Nicole the address. Lucy has a gun on Julius and warns Sasha not to stop her; Lucy freaks out when she accidentally shoots Sasha.

Lucy is arrested, and Sasha is redeemed in the eyes of the Avants. The ordeal also has Maya and Nicole forging a tentative truce in the wake of their custody case. As Vivienne and Sasha recover, Zende receives a call from adoptive mom Kristen that Tony is battling HIV-related complications, so Zende flies home to Miami and invites a happy Sasha to move there with him.

I'M A VALLEY GIRL AND THERE IS NO CUREKatie and Donna receive a visit from Forrester International bigwig Rocco Carner, whom they fought over as teenagers. The trio remembers when Rocco was a waiter at Griffey's Diner and laughs over how he romanced insecure Katie while having feelings for Donna. Now a real spark develops between Rocco and Katie; they buy the Logan home in Sherman Oaks, and Rocco proposes on the patio where they used to hang.

A lonely Donna is thinking about joining Marcus and Dayzee in Johannesburg when she literally bumps into Wyatt at a Spectra event. They enter into an unexpectedly sizzling romance, and Wyatt is glad to finally be with a woman who wasn't with Liam first. Liam, realizing he's been in nonstop relationships since he came to L.A. to find his father, decides to swear off women for a while and get himself together.

GUARDING SECURITYCharlie and Pam finally get married in a wonderfully kooky ceremony, but things turn serious when Pam develops a resistance to her medication for bipolar disorder, and her behavior takes Charlie on a roller-coaster ride. Knowing Pam sacrificed most of her adult life to care for her and Stephanie's mother, Ann, Charlie holds on tight and shows there's a lot more to him than exaggerated stories and baked goods.

Before leaving L.A., and since Caroline is on the mend, Karen and Danielle walk down the aisle themselves. With Thomas and the Spencers in attendance, Connor gives Karen away, recalling their own failed wedding in 1994 and joking about the irony. At the airport, Connor runs into the visiting Taylor, sitting down for coffee at the terminal's Starbucks and becoming fascinated with each other.

WHAT'S THREE DECADES BETWEEN FRIENDSAfter Forrester is rebuilt, CEO Brooke declares an end to the infighting that's dominated the company the past several years and convinces Ridge, Steffy, Bill, Eric, and Thomas to pool their stock; Brooke redistributes it evenly between herself, Eric, and all adult Forrester children, giving everyone an equal vote and reminding everyone that Stephanie would want Forrester Creations to finally be united.

With Spectra nipping at Forrester's heels, Brooke goes back to the lab and creates an innovative new fabric from which Ridge, Eric, Thomas, and Caroline design the shop's most elegant collection yet. Rick and Steffy have Eric develop Aly's shoe line in Aly's memory, with proceeds going to mental health charities. Forrester dedicates its grandest showing ever to Stephanie, and Amber is there to perform her chart-topping South African hits.

Once the press leaves the showroom, Eric and Ridge marvel that it's been 30 years since that infamous Forrester party where meeting Brooke changed their lives. Eric remarks that Stephanie would be happy Ridge and Brooke found their way back together; with the entire cast assembled, Brooke and many others remember their first meetings with Stephanie. Champagne glasses in hand, everyone raises a toast to the departed Forrester matriarch.

Not half bad for pulling that out of my ass, eh? Or maybe you think that's why my ideas stink. Love 'em? Hate 'em? Have your own thoughts about what B&B should be? Get your fingers tappin' in the Comments section below or on the Soap Central message boards, or simply click here to submit feedback. Your comments could wind up in a future column!

That's gonna do it for me -- next week, Chanel will be here to bring you back to earth in terms of what's actually happening on your screens. And come January 30, I will return to my usual format of taking B&B apart and putting it back together. As always, keep watching, be alert, and most of all, be bold. And remember, as we enter this very shaky moment in our collective history, no matter color, creed, religion, gender identity, or orientation, we're all beautiful.

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