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Brandon Beemer
Episode 5: Home, sweet home
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Right off the bat, this week, we had to completely lose Galen, Jenna, and Kirsten. Outside of the cool opening graphic, they were nowhere to be found. But, I'm completely okay with that because the show this week was awesome -- complete with pink pants, hot dogs, and ex smack downs! What's more American than that? Nothing! So, here's what happened in this week's Dirty Soap.

The Kelly-light week that was last week was well worth it. This week was all kinds of Kelly. She returned home to the Poconos to spend time with her mom, dad, four sisters, and a gaggle of well-wishers who gave her a delightful "hometown girl makes good" welcome. Not a single one of them disappointed, least of all, Mama Monaco.

With so many girls in her family, it's no surprise that their relationship is more like gal pals than mom and daughter. And I couldn't help but think of one of the most respected girl friends of all time. Yes, Mama Monaco is the real-life version of Rhoda Morgenstern. Some of her best lines were:

    1. (About Kelly's physique): "I've seen turkey legs thicker than you are."
    2. (About Kelly doing The Bachelorette) "Oh!! Those dudes would have to come here where Daddy can give 'em the once-over with a shotgun!"
    3. (About Kelly's dating life) Kelly: "I'm a cheap date!" Mom: "I know you are, you don't eat anything!"
    4. (About Kelly's dating future) "Loving unconditionally and loving blindly are two different things"

With these words of wisdom, who cared if Kelly's ex shows up at the hometown bar? Kelly was ready to give him a "real" piece of her mind. (Yah, the quotes are because I have sincere reservations about using the word "real." Mike's constant laughing and shrugging during this scene makes me doubt that this was honestly their first conversation about the breakup.) But, with Mike getting his walking papers from both Kelly and her fam, we're onto bigger, er, smaller storylines for Kelly.

Mama Monaco brought out the scale and ordered Kelly to put all 92 pounds of herself on it. That's right, Kelly weighed 92 pounds. I don't know anything about Kelly's health. She seems like someone who has a lot of energy and likes to keep herself in shape. I'm actually glad that her sisters gave her some good-natured teasing for her ribs because it gave her a chance to point out that she's just always been little. However she is happiest, I'm happy for her.

The thing that was most interesting to me is how not 92 pounds-ish she looks. Maybe the camera really does add 10 pounds. Maybe there's something to that whole styling thing. But the fact that she showed how truly tiny you have to be in real life to look somewhat skinny on television is a good thing in my book. It ranks right up there with those awesome gals who release a non-airbrushed picture of themselves so that girls can compare the two and see how much work goes into the magic of television and magazines. Most of it is as engineered as Mike and Kelly's confrontation. *wink*

FARAH and J.P.
Farah and J.P. went home to Farah's state of Kentucky for some good ol' fashion family time. Well, first they had to do a photo shoot for Angel's Envy Bourbon. Fun story -- the whiskey that evaporates from the barrel during the aging process is referred to as the "angel's cut." Thus Angel's Envy Bourbon takes its name from the bourbon that is so good the angels are mad that they left it behind. Go forth and impress your friends with that little tidbit from Aunt Laurisa.

Meanwhile, back on the ranch (literally!), a super fan was at the photo shoot to see Farah. Her name is Elaina, and she heard of the photo shoot through Facebook. I know a lot of people will have a problem with the way this scene played out. Neither Farah nor J.P. seemed overly thrilled about the fan. But, you know what? I thought it was really honest. Farah was nice to the fan, but utterly baffled by the lengths that a fan will go to just to see her. Considering how our little Kentucky rose has shown a pension for drama in past episodes, it would have been predictable for her to freak out about the fan and deliver a grandstanding monologue about privacy and personal space. But she didn't. She smiled nicely and went out and hugged the fan. Good for you, Farah!

J.P. went golfing with Farah's dad. I think they are very funny together and obviously must have a good relationship to talk about Farah so openly. Well, that and to wear those ridiculous pants in front of each other. I also so don't understand golf trash-talking, as I'm pretty sure at one time J.P. looked down at his ball and said, "We'll show those terrorists." Um…okay…apparently I really need to go back and re-watch Caddyshack because that gopher must be a metaphor that I never understood. Foiled by a rodent again!

Nadia got invited to sing that National Anthem at the Padres game, which may have been the best thing to happen to the Padres all year. However, Nadia was not as excited. She previously sang the National Anthem at a Red Sox game and messed up the lyrics. (Happens to the best of us, right Christina?) Anyway, since then she's been nervous to sing the anthem again. Weird. Who ever heard of bad luck coming out of Fenway Park?

Being the good boyfriend that he is, Brandon quickly declared that a lot of good singers have messed up the National Anthem, and that Nadia can do anything that she sets her mind to. Nadia's mom, Fary, made a mean comment about poop, then a nice one about Nadia's dad, and then offered to send Nadia a vocal coach. The vocal coach was a slightly creepy older man named Bob who told Nadia to do kegel exercises in order to hit the high notes. *Shudders* I'm not convinced that Nadia's mom didn't do that on purpose.

Nadia and her voice arrived at the stadium with about seconds to spare. The rush meant that Nadia didn't have time to panic and thus delivered a beautiful rendition of the National Anthem. She even hit the money note on "Land of the free-EEEE." To top it all off, she actually stayed for the game and took part in the honored American tradition of hot dogs and nachos. I'm really starting to love this girl.

Just to top off the day with a pink bow, Brandon gave Nadia a present. Remember when Nadia wished that Brandon had gotten her something more personal for her birthday than an iPad? He made up for that this week when he gave her a framed picture of her singing with her dad and told her to look at it each time she felt discouraged that she couldn't do something. Well played, Mr. Beemer.

Usually I think rompers for grown-ups are stupid, but Nadia's black one with a tan belt was pretty fierce.

I have to confess that I related to Nadia when Brandon told her that he bought a chainsaw online and it's coming to the house. My husband has to make confessions to me all of the time about his late night Amazon habits. That way I'm not surprised when a box shows up at our house a few days later full of $40 worth of turkey jerky and batteries.

I could have watched a whole episode of slap-happy Kelly in the airport, not only because I think Kelly is entertaining, but, because we all know how crazy one can go while waiting for a flight to get un-delayed.

Wowza! Farah's sister looks exactly like her!

Is Nadia's brother the guy from No Doubt?

Kelly totally shut down Mama Monaco for details about GH. Darn you, Kelly!

Does Bianca know about Elania?

And that's all for this week, kids! But, you don't have to wait until next week to talk Dirty Soap. Here are some conversation starters for your next cocktail party: Were you as impressed by the automatic can opener as Farah was? (I know I was!) Were you glad to hear that Nadia's mom was nice to Brandon for a whole day? (Again, I was!) Who else thinks that a bottle of bourbon and a bucket of chicken is a good start to eternal happiness? (Whatdayaknow? Me again!)

I'd love to hear what you think, so click here to share your answers with me!

Happy viewing,

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