On Access Llanview, Phyllis Rose shared the latest gossip about the citizens of Llanview with her viewers. Phyllis announced that Cristian Vega -- Llanview's reigning "Best Arms" champion -- had been arrested, along with a woman named Kassandra Kavanaugh.
At the police station, Cristian and Kassandra tried to protest their arrest. Cristian insisted that he hadn't done anything wrong; meanwhile, Kassandra blamed the whole thing on Cristian. Cristian asked to speak to a lawyer, and Kassandra said that she was a lawyer. The unsympathetic officer cuffed them to a nearby desk and walked away. After the officer left, Cristian and Kassandra started arguing with each other.
Cristian said that he wished that he had never met Kassandra. Kassandra insisted that Cristian shouldn't have opened his big mouth. Cristian assured Kassandra that he would be gone as soon as his friend arrived to post his bail, and then Kassandra would never have to see him again. Moments later, Blair walked into the police station to pay Cristian's bail and wondered what had happened. Cristian proceeded to recount the events that had led to their arrest.
Cristian explained that he had been working out at the gym when Kassandra had walked in and criticized Cristian's boxing technique. Cristian had told Kassandra that he had been a professional boxer, and Kassandra had handed Cristian her business card and had introduced herself as a personal injury attorney. Kassandra had then walked over to a nearby weight bench that no one had been using. At that point, another gym member had walked up to her and claimed that he was the only person that was allowed to use the bench. The man had started to argue with Kassandra, and Cristian had walked over to tell the man to leave her alone.
Cristian continued to tell Blair about the events that had led to their arrest. Cristian explained that Kassandra had questioned his skills as a boxer, so he had punched the man to prove that he hadn't lost his touch. Recognizing another potential client, Kassandra had then introduced herself to Mick -- the man that Cristian had punched -- as a personal injury attorney. Kassandra had offered to represent Mick in a lawsuit against Cristian. Mick had called Kassandra an ambulance chaser; Kassandra had taken that as a personal insult, so she had punched Mick as well.
Blair shook her head in dismay as she listened to Cristian and Kassandra's story. Kassandra explained that her reputation was important to her and that she had felt the need to defend it. Kassandra insisted that her firm would have the charges dropped before the judge had even had a chance to arraign her. At that moment, the officer returned and uncuffed Cristian as he announced that Cristian was free to go. The officer said that Mick had decided not to press charges against Cristian.
The officer explained that Mick was at the hospital , getting his jaw wired shut. The officer said that Mick was embarrassed that Cristian had been able to beat him up because Cristian had a much smaller frame than the bodybuilder frame that Mick had. Kassandra wondered why Mick was willing to let everyone believe that a girl had beaten him up. The officer explained that Mick really didn't like Kassandra, so he had decided that it would be worth the embarrassment to watch her suffer. Blair started to leave with Cristian, but Cristian felt guilty about leaving Kassandra behind.
Cristian stated that he might have figured out a way to get Kassandra released; he assured Kassandra that he would be back. Some time later, Cristian returned and announced that he had taken care of everything. The officer walked over to Kassandra and uncuffed her. The officer said that Mick had dropped the charges against her because he had been afraid of being sued for wrongful arrest. Kassandra was confused, so Cristian explained that he had told Mick that Kassandra Kavanaugh's specialty was wrongful arrest cases.
Kassandra reminded Cristian that her specialty wasn't wrongful arrests, but Cristian whispered that Mick hadn't remembered that fact. After Kassandra was finished with her paperwork, she returned to thank Cristian for his help. Kassandra handed Cristian one of her business cards. Cristian reminded her that she had already given him one of her cards; Kassandra kissed him and told him to check the back of the card. After Kassandra walked away, Cristian flipped the card over and found that Kassandra had written her personal number on the back and signed it with a heart.
At the Buchanan mansion, Rama watched as Phyllis Rose continued her show with a segment about Dorian and David's wedding. Phyllis reminded her viewers that David had already left Dorian at the altar twice; Phyllis wondered if the third time would be the charm, or if David was going to "three-peat " his runaway groom act.
At the courthouse, David apologetically announced that he wouldn't be able to marry Dorian. Viki told David that his attempt at humor had been misguided, but David assured her that he wasn't joking. Dorian asked if David was planning to leave her at the altar again. David wondered how Dorian could think that he would leave her at the altar. Dorian reminded David that it wouldn't have been the first time -- or, as Viki dryly pointed out, the second.
"After everything that we've been through, how could you think that I would be so cruel, so heartless, so...unobservant? We're in a courthouse, for crying out loud -- there isn't an altar," David jokingly pointed out, but Dorian wasn't amused. Viki urged David to quickly clarify the situation before Dorian grew more upset. David told Dorian that he had received a call from someone named Bev Altman. Dorian's temper flared as she realized that there was another woman. Dorian quickly guessed that Bev was a rich, young blonde.
David confirmed that Bev was rich, but he said that she wasn't young and she was only occasionally blonde. Dorian said that money was the only thing that David had ever cared about. David denied Dorian's allegations and pointed out that he would have gone after Viki if he had only been interested in money, because Viki was wealthier than Dorian was. Viki reminded David that his jokes weren't helping the situation. David assured Dorian that he was not going to leave her for his agent.
Viki and Dorian were shocked to learn that Bev Altman was David's agent; meanwhile, David was shocked to learn that Viki and Dorian didn't know who Bev Altman was. David explained that Beverly Altman's talent agency, Altman and Altman, was the second-highest rated talent agency in Van Nuys. David said that a director had heard about David's imprisonment and had decided to make a film about it. David excitedly asked the ladies to guess who the director had asked to play the starring role. "Tuc Watkins?" Viki guessed as Dorian agreed that Tuc Watkins was a good actor.
David disagreed and claimed that Tuc Watkins was a hack . David explained that the director wanted David Vickers Buchanan to play David Vickers Buchanan. David happily told Dorian that the studio was interested in flying him to Vancouver immediately to start shooting the film. "Guess who my first scene is with? -- Brian Dennehy. He's playing Bo, and Bev said that they're trying to get somebody really horrible to play Clint -- maybe Mel Gibson. And for the role of Dorian, they've got an offer out to Angelina Jolie," David explained as Dorian quietly listened. Dorian noted that Susan Sarandon would have been a better choice to play her.
Dorian sadly realized that David was leaving her so that he could play a part in a movie. David reminded her that it wasn't just any movie -- it was a movie about his life. David added that he wasn't leaving Dorian; he was just taking a job. Dorian reiterated that David wasn't marrying her. "Oh, I'm marrying you -- I'm just not marrying you right now. Believe me, come hell, high water, Clint Buchanan, or another writers strike, I'm marrying you. I dream of marrying you, but I also dream about doing something really important in this country -- being famous. Can't I have both?" David asked.
"Dorian, listen to me. I love you; you mean more to me than any dream. So if this plan doesn't work for you, I'll call Bev; I'll tell her to recast. Recast someone shorter than me, but recast nonetheless," David added. Dorian sighed and apologetically confirmed that David's plan wouldn't work for her. Viki tried to convince Dorian to reconsider; she pointed out that Dorian could plan a proper wedding while David was shooting his film, but Dorian reiterated that David's plan wouldn't work for her. Dorian told David that he had a story to tell, and he was the only one who could tell it properly. David wasn't sure what Dorian had meant.
Dorian explained that she wasn't willing to wait any longer to marry David. "I mean, we're getting hitched tout de suite, chéri," Dorian added. David pointed out that they were still waiting on Bo and the judge to arrive. "I'm the mayor of this town. I say, you don't leave this courthouse unless you're wearing a ring," Dorian said with a sly smile.
Back at the Buchanan mansion, Phyllis Rose segued into her next story as Clint walked into the room. Phyllis told her viewers to stay tuned for part two of her Access Llanview: The Buchanans: A Family Under Siege special. "We'll delve deeper into the crisis that pits the progeny against their patriarch. Ask not for whom the bell tolls -- Clint, it tolls for thee," Phyllis warned cryptically as Clint watched.
At the Minute Man Motel, Rex watched the old footage that the adult film producer had kept from the night of Eddie Ford's murder. As the actors had been shooting one of the scenes for the film, the camera had managed to capture images of someone exiting Eddie Ford's motel room. Rex told the producer to pause and zoom in on the image in the background. Rex was excited to see that the camera had captured a clear image of Clint leaving Eddie's motel room -- and that he had been carrying a gun.
Rex stared at the image on the screen with a look of pure disgust as he realized with certainty that his father was a murderer. Rex thanked Rick for his help and asked him to hand over the DVD, but Rick refused to do so. Rex reminded Rick that the footage on the DVD was key evidence in a murder investigation, but Rick insisted that he couldn't afford to replace the DVD with new footage. Rick said that he would only hand the evidence over to Rex if Rex agreed to join the cast of his film. Rex admitted that he was flattered -- and slightly curious -- but he said that he would have to turn down Rick's offer.
Rex told Rick that he couldn't appear in an adult film because he had a family, and he couldn't let them down. Rick pointed out that Rex's family would never have to know about the film. Rex sighed and said that there was another man out there that was counting on him. Rex explained that he had disappointed this man and he needed to make it up to him. "So if you give me this DVD, it won't necessarily heal our relationship, but it will at least prove to him that I'm not a lost cause," Rex said as he begged Rick to show some compassion.
Rick's heartstrings had been sufficiently tugged by Rex's story, and he agreed to give Rex the DVD. Rex rushed off to the police station to show the evidence to Bo and Nora. Meanwhile, at the police station, Nora continued to recall the events of the night that Eddie Ford had been killed. Nora remembered that she had seen someone exiting Eddie's motel room, but she couldn't remember who she had seen. Bo tried to ease Nora's frustrations by pointing out that her testimony probably wouldn't have held up in court anyway.
Nora realized that Bo was right; she knew that Clint's lawyers would argue that she had been confused and disoriented due to the accident, because that was what she would have argued in a similar situation. Nora and Bo quickly recapped the evidence that they had managed to obtain and reluctantly admitted that it wasn't going to be enough to convict Clint. Defeated, Nora sank into her chair as she told Bo that Clint was going to get away with murder. Before Bo could respond, Rex burst into the room and victoriously handed the DVD to Bo. "Proof that Clint killed Eddie Ford," Rex explained as he struggled to catch his breath.
Bo and Nora watched as Rex played the DVD and pointed out the image of Clint in the background. Nora and Bo were excited that they had finally received some solid evidence. Before they could celebrate further, Bo's phone rang; Bo listened as Viki announced that David and Dorian were getting married. Bo told Nora to get a warrant for Clint's arrest and meet him at the courthouse; he then rushed out of his office without offering any further explanation. Nora noticed that Rex had a deflated look on his face, but before she could try to make Rex feel better, Bo reentered his office.
"Hey, Balsom -- you did good," Bo said before he rushed back out of the room, leaving Rex instantly more cheerful. As Nora filled out the necessary paperwork for the warrant, she thanked Rex for helping them with the case. Rex said that he still had a lot to make up for, and he was committed to seeing the investigation through to the end. Nora reminded Rex that Clint was his father and wondered if Rex would be able to live with the fact that he had helped put Clint in prison. "Clint is no father of mine; he's getting what he deserves, and I want to be there to see him get it," Rex assured Nora.
At the Buchanan mansion, Clint watched in embarrassment as Phyllis Rose continued to air his family's dirty laundry. Phyllis told her viewers that Tess had emerged again. Phyllis explained that Tess had dumped Brody and gotten married to Ford. "One minute she's Jess, the next minute she's Tess...maybe we should just call her, 'Mess,'" Phyllis joked as she told her viewers that they would have to stay tuned to find out which of Jessica's personalities would win in the end.
At Ford's apartment, Brody told Ford that Tess had stolen a watch from Logan's department store. Ford admitted that Tess had probably gone to see Cutter. Brody chastised Ford for allowing Tess to associate with Cutter. Ford tried to defend his actions, and noted that Brody probably wouldn't have been able to control Tess any better than Ford had. Brody ignored Ford's comment and stormed off to find Tess.
At the Minute Man Motel, Cutter opened his door and found Tess standing in front of it, wearing sexy lingerie under her full-length jacket. Cutter let her into his room and they immediately started making out. Tess shoved books and papers off of a nearby desk and climbed on top of it, pulling Cutter onto the desk with her. As Cutter followed her lead and continued to kiss her, Jessica emerged and pushed Cutter off of her. Cutter asked Tess if she was all right.
Jessica realized that Cutter had referred to her as Tess. Jessica was horrified when she realized what Tess had been wearing; Cutter assured Jessica that he and Tess had not had sex. Before Cutter could explain the situation further, Jessica's phone rang. Jessica saw that the phone call was from Ford, and she wondered what Tess had been up to. Cutter tried to apologize, but Jessica's only concern was making sure that Ryder was all right.
Back at Ford's apartment, Ford left a message for Tess to remind her that the judge would not grant them custody of Ryder if she managed to land herself in jail for shoplifting. As Ford warned Tess about what would happen to her if he didn't get custody of his son, someone started knocking on his door. Ford answered the door and was surprised to find Langston standing in the hallway. Langston asked about Ryder; Ford told Langston that he was still waiting for the judge to make his ruling. Ford insisted that they would be able to work things out after the custody battle had ended, but Langston said that she didn't want to talk about that.
Langston handed Ford the necklace that he had given her for Christmas. Ford wondered if Langston had really grown to hate him so much that she couldn't even wear something that he had given her as a gift. Langston assured Ford that she didn't hate him, and she explained that she couldn't wear the necklace when she knew that he had spent a lot of money on it and that he needed that money to pay for Ryder's care. Ford reminded Langston that the necklace had been his gift to her. "And now it's my gift to Ryder. Please, I can't have it. Just keep it, return it, whatever -- hell, give it to Tess," Langston quietly stated.
Ford reluctantly assured Langston that he understood. Langston said that she had a paper to write and started to leave, but Ford stopped her. "You know, it's funny; not too long ago, I was grading papers, trying to inspire my students. Now I'm trying to inspire burps," Ford quipped. Langston nodded and agreed that Ford was a new man -- and a good man, too. Ford credited Langston for his transformation, but Langston insisted that Ryder was the reason that Ford had changed.
Langston said that Ford had changed the moment Ryder entered his life; he had a new sense of purpose that he hadn't even realized that he had been missing. Langston said that she envied Ford. Langston explained that seeing Ford with his son had made her realize that there was something out there for her that would enrich her life in the same way that Ryder had enriched Ford's life. Ford smiled and told Langston that he was hopeful that she would find something like that one day. Langston wished Ford luck with his custody battle; before Ford could respond, Langston walked out of the apartment and shut the door behind her.
Meanwhile, at the Minute Man Motel, Cutter tried to suggest that Jessica should call her family and let them know what had happened, but Jessica ignored him and started to leave the room. When Jessica opened the motel room door, she found Brody standing on the other side. Jessica hugged Brody and assured him that Tess was no longer in control of her body. Brody was ecstatic when he realized that Jessica had returned. Jessica wondered how long Tess had been in control; Brody reluctantly admitted that Tess had emerged on the night of their wedding, over a month earlier.
Jessica asked Brody to take her home so that she could see Bree and Ryder. Brody sighed and explained that he couldn't do that because Ryder wasn't at their house -- he was at Ford's apartment. Jessica was shocked to learn that Tess and Ford had initiated a custody battle. Brody told Jessica that Tess had married Ford; Jessica was horrified, but she assured Brody that they would get the marriage annulled and that she would make sure that Ford was never able to see Ryder again. Jessica asked Brody to take her to see their son.
As Cutter walked them to the door, Jessica turned and gave Cutter one last look before she followed Brody out of the motel room. After Jessica and Brody left, Cutter grabbed his jacket as he muttered that he had struck out with Dorian and Tess. Cutter added that it was time to find a new cash cow as he walked out of his room. At the same time, Rick opened his door and spotted Cutter. Rick rushed up to Cutter and quickly sized him up, then asked if Cutter had ever done any acting.
Back at Ford's apartment, Ford called his lawyer and told him about Tess's shoplifting incident. Ford wondered how badly it might hurt their custody case if Tess managed to get herself arrested for shoplifting. Meanwhile, Brody and Jessica arrived at Ford's apartment, and Brody assured Jessica that everything would be all right. When they entered the apartment, Ford started to explain that he had spoken with his lawyer and that he would probably be able to get Tess's charges dropped down to a misdemeanor, but Jessica interrupted Ford. "I'm not Tess; I'm Jessica, and Brody and I are here for our son," Jessica stated.
Bo entered the courthouse and apologized for being late for David and Dorian's wedding. Bo explained that he had been delayed because he had been making arrangements for David's wedding present. David wondered if it was a trophy case to hold his EGOT -- Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony -- but Bo told David that it wasn't a trophy case; he assured David that it was something that he would love just as much, though. Dorian told the judge to skip to the vows because they didn't have a lot of time. Dorian realized that she hadn't given any thought to what she was going to say to David.
Viki told Dorian to speak from her heart. David pointed out that she could just say whatever it was that she had been planning to say the first time -- or the second. "David...I take your hand, and I offer you this ring in token of my promise. I can't promise you much more than this -- I am going to love you until I take my last breath," Dorian tearfully vowed. Dorian placed the ring on David's finger with a contented sigh.
"Dorian, the prisons in Morocco are really hot...and they smell. They do a number on your skin -- did I tell you that I got foot rot? They can do a real number on your head. I shouldn't even be alive. At the very least, I can't believe I'm even sane; I should've come out of there with multiple personalities. I'm as sane as I can be, and I'm alive. I'm alive because my Pa rescued me -- thanks again, Pa -- and the reason I'm alive, Dorian, is 'cause I had you to come home to. When I was in there, I thought about you, nothing but you. You kept me sane, Dorian -- you're the reason I'm alive," David stated sincerely.
David realized that he should probably stop talking, so he told the judge that he was finished. The judge pronounced David and Dorian husband and wife as they smiled and stared into each other's eyes. After David and Dorian kissed, Viki congratulated the happy couple and noted that they had been through a lot to get to that point. Dorian sincerely thanked Viki for her friendship. Bo pointed out that David was married to the mayor of Llanview, and David wondered if that meant that he had to be nice to the little people.
Bo and Viki laughed, and Bo said that he believed that the little people would just be happy to know that Dorian and David had finally tied the knot. Dorian thanked Bo and shook his hand as she noted that she would have to start referring to him as Pa. Bo seemed slightly disturbed by that idea, but he didn't protest. Dorian handed Viki a sachet of rose petals to throw over the happy couple's heads, and Dorian and David beamed as they walked out of the courthouse. As Bo and Viki watched, Bo's phone beeped; Bo excused himself so that he could check his messages.
Back at the Buchanan mansion, Rama and Clint watched as Access Llanview continued. Phyllis claimed that Clint had traded his white hat for a black one, and she promised her viewers a tale of sex, money, betrayal, and murder. Rama was fully engrossed in the show and didn't realize that Clint was standing right behind her; when Clint asked Rama to increase the volume on the television, a startled Rama turned and spilled her bowl of popcorn all over the living room floor. Phyllis explained that the deputies of the Llanview Police Department were still investigating Eddie Ford's murder.
Rama nervously tried to avoid eye contact with Clint as Phyllis assured her viewers that Bo Buchanan would not rest until Eddie's killer was behind bars -- even if that person turned out to be Bo's own brother. Clint turned off the television and impatiently announced that he had heard enough. Clint changed the subject and asked if Rama had been enjoying her stay at the mansion. Rama innocently claimed that she didn't enjoy being separated from her husband. Clint sarcastically agreed that she had seemed extremely upset at breakfast when she had ordered more mimosas.
Rama insisted that people coped in many different ways, but Clint wasn't convinced. Clint wondered if Vimal was aware of Rama's deep suffering, or if he had been too busy making license plates to accept Rama's calls. Rama angrily reminded Clint that Vimal was in jail because he had covered up a crime that Clint had committed. Rama threatened to expose Clint's secret, but Clint called Rama's bluff. Clint observed that Rama wouldn't expose him because she wouldn't want to risk losing the luxurious accommodations that she had grown accustomed to.
Clint noted that Aubrey might be willing to help Rama, but then he added that Aubrey didn't seem to like Rama much. Clint theorized that Aubrey had only agreed to help Rama because Rama had been holding some sort of leverage over Aubrey's head. Rama denied Clint's allegations and insisted that Aubrey had invited Rama to stay at the mansion out of the goodness of her heart. Clint chuckled and said that Aubrey had a cash register where her heart should have been. Clint tried to convince Rama that it would be better for her to team up with him instead of a gold digger like Aubrey.
Rama refused Clint's offer, but Clint warned Rama not to make a hasty decision because there would be dire consequences if she made the wrong choice. Rama wondered if Clint meant that he would kill her like he had killed Eddie Ford. Clint told Rama not to believe everything that she heard on television. Rama said that she believed her instincts, and her instincts had been telling her that Clint had very little to offer -- and that he would have even less to offer once Bo had managed to charge him with murder. After Rama left, Clint turned the television back on just as Phyllis Rose was wrapping up the day's episode of Access Llanview.
Phyllis promised that she would have more dirt to dish on the next episode, and teased that things at the Buchanan ranch weren't looking very stable. Phyllis wondered what Asa would have said about the Buchanan scandals, as Clint turned the television off again with a sigh of frustration. At that moment, Bo walked into the mansion. Clint demanded to know what Bo wanted. "You -- you're under arrest for the murder of Eddie Ford," Bo said as the two brothers stared at each other with contempt.