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If this place were a chocolate factory, they'd be the Oompa-Loompas
For the Week of March 21, 2011
Two Scoops is a weekly opinion column about all things All My Children. Check in every week to see if you agree or disagree with what our columnists have to say!
I'm not sure if this will surprise you or not, but it isn't just the juicy, daytime drama that keeps me glued to the soaps. At the risk of sounding like Mary Poppins, I love to laugh -- loud and long and clear. When All My Children gets too dark and there are no jokes or witty remarks, it sort of makes me sad.


David Hayward isn't typically my go-to guy for laughs, but I have to say that he might as well have been an OB/GYN last week -- because he really delivered. If you weren't able to deduce it from the title of the column, I'll give you the rundown. David and Griffin were chatting about whether or not Griffin would be sticking around in Pine Valley for the long haul. Griffin hinted that he'd be on to another project soon, but David felt that Griffin was already far too immersed in Pine Valley to leave.


"Your sister just married a Martin," David announced. "If this place were a chocolate factory, they'd be the Oompa-Loompas." Griffin rightly asked, "What does that even mean?" I was still laughing too hard, but I wondered the same exact thing. Don't judge me, but I've never seen either of the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory or Willie Wonka or any of those movies.


What I find ironic about David's comment is that for so long the Martin family seemed to be an afterthought in AMC's storytelling. Erica Kane aside, the Martins are the heart and soul of All My Children. It does, however, seem that AMC is expanding the Martin family by having new members come into the fold who are not blood relatives. And that's not necessarily a bad idea, because no one wants to be forced to watch newcomers get airtime for no good reason when our favorites are relegated to the background. However, there was a time when there were Martins everywhere -- but now we have just Tad and Jake. I am not counting the married-ins and the kids.


Jamie is away helping Doctors Without Borders. Kelsey was last mentioned as being in Florida. Both characters have certainly been off-screen long enough to have had drama in their own lives. It's not just the "younger" Martins that could be brought back. Jeff was in town for a short time a few years ago, but it looked like that was designed only to give Erica someone to play with. When that story went flat, Jeff was sent packing. It's been a good 15 years, I think, since Tara Martin last wandered around Pine Valley. And what if AMC finally decided to explore what happened to Bobby "Skis in the Attic" Martin?


While we're trying to uncover mysteries, what in the world happened with this "Who killed Zach?" storyline? It has become so convoluted that it's almost boring. Ricky's descent into creepiness isn't working for me anymore. I think it's because the character is now a little too cartoon villain. I either want him to snap and kidnap Kendall, or I want him to turn out to be an undercover FBI agent. This sort of gray area where Ricky isn't completely nice, yet isn't a total jerk is leaving me blue.


However, Kendall better not mess with Diana. Judging from her outfit on Thursday's show, she is able to disembowel a hawk and turn it into a vest in no time at all.


And is it wrong for me to want to see Griffin slug Ricky? I mean, I know Ricky isn't really a minister… but something about saying that seems wrong. It's like when the goons in Sister Act couldn't kill Whoopi Goldberg's character because she was dressed as a nun.


Just a random question: Why do the police, paramedics, doctors, and seemingly everyone else always stop when someone yells "Stop!"? In just the past few months, I've seen random citizens order cops to stop hauling away a crook. People have visited their criminally inclined friends in jail and mouthed off to guards who've told them it was time to leave. Now, we have trained professionals backing away from Annie just because JR walked into the room and asked them to.


I thought it was kind of lame to have Annie return to Pine Valley, but when she explained (in her not-so-sane rationale) to Emma that she needed to get money… I was willing to look past it. I rolled my eyes and groaned, though, when Annie immediately bumped into Scott Chandler. Sure, Scott "looks" different since she was involved with him -- but c'mon. Then I had a glass of orange juice with my crow when it was revealed that Annie was hallucinating. She sure did push the hell out of John Q. Public, though, after she realized he wasn't Scott!


It pains me to say this, but I was left a little flat by JR and Annie's final scenes. I still believe that JR loves Annie, so the big farewell didn't break my heart the way I wanted it to. In fact, I was actually more emotionally invested in Krystal's announcement that she was moving out.


I'm pretty sure I said it last week, but it does bear repeating: the Cara/Tad storyline is far more layered than I'd originally expected it to be -- and it might be one of the best all-encompassing storylines in quite some time. Setting aside all of the murder mystery storylines, it is not often that a single plot has dramatic repercussions for so many characters.


Ryan Lavery is a superhero. He can account for every ounce of his sperm, which he proved two weeks ago when he was able to deduce gestation in a single bound. Last week, the Google Maps in his brain instantly knew that Annie was headed back to Pine Valley because Hartford is south of Boston. For an encore, he used his x-ray vision to locate Emma's doll amid some overgrown shrubs and fake snow.


Poor Emma is caught up in all of this. Having a crazy mother and a dad who is a superhero cannot be easy. I'd imagine she will be shipped off to a care center for children (or boarding school). There she will meet up with William Saunders, the son Frankie had with Mia that he doesn't seem to know or care about, and the two will plot their revenge on everyone in Pine Valley. Maybe they'll secretly mail chocolate bars to everyone in town… some of which will contain a golden ticket to Hollywood, where they will have the opportunity to sing on-stage in front of millions of people. Hmm… I think I'm getting things mixed up again, or I haven't been taking my medicine. Just in case, hold on extra-tight to your wallets and stay away from park benches.

dan

Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of soapcentral.com or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen, what has happened, and to take a look at the logistics of it all. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same view point.
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