No, no, a thousand times no!

Egad! The villainous Ian kidnapped the virtuous Nikki while he also held the innocent bystander Phyllis hostage. Was our newly redeemed hero, Victor, able to battle through the pain of his gunshot wound to rescue our damsels in distress? Will good guy and extremely nave Jack ever catch on to Billy's clues about Phyllis and give the cur the thrashing his brother so richly deserves? (Okay, probably not.) It's Genoa City melodrama at its best in Two Scoops.

When Ian grabbed Nikki and used her as a shield, as he shot Victor at the courthouse, didn't it almost feel like a good old-fashioned melodrama? Except, of course, there was one villain too many and not quite enough heroes for the usual formula. Seriously, the spectacle should have been accompanied with the pleasant yet dramatic sound of the tinkling of the ivories, as the diabolical Ian dragged the poor, helpless Nikki down the hall, away from the man she had always thought of as her hero. If Ian could have also been twirling a handlebar mustache to help with the whitewashing of the Mustache, it would have been perfect.

Wouldn't it have been terrific if we had heard Nikki's screams of "no, no, a thousand times no," echoing down the halls as Ian made his escape with her as his hostage? While we could never say Nikki's virtue was ever as pure as the driven snow, she still was a defenseless damsel in distress while the man of her dreams lay in a pool of blood on the floor. We knew if Nikki's protector hadn't been gunned down, he would gladly have thrashed the cur Ian within an inch of his life. But with Nikki in such peril from the dastardly scoundrel, who could possibly rescue her from a pitiful existence in Ian's cold, cruel world? After all the grief Nikki has gotten from both Victor and Ian, I could almost picture her wringing her hands, and I could practically hear her say, "Oh, why is it always the woman who pays and pays and pays?"

I love melodramas! They are fun to watch and to act in. It's enjoyable to hear the audience cheer the hero and boo the villain -- and to be pelted by the popcorn thrown by audience members. But normally, there is only one hero and one villain, and that's where this story gets a little dicey. As much as the writers seem to want to make Victor a hero, after everything he's done to harm others, it's hard to put him there. Even if Nick's heart melted a little towards his dad, when Victor cried that he would still gladly take a bullet for each and every one of his family members, the fans may have a little trouble swallowing his sudden turnabout. Victor did everything he could to get revenge on his family, but all should suddenly be forgiven because Ian shot him? They will forgive him, of course. They always do.

So, the writers are trying to redeem Victor, and the past year should totally be forgotten? Okay. Victor prevented the cop from shooting Nikki -- what a dumb cop. And the Newman family should be grateful, but they still shouldn't forget all the bad things Victor did not so long ago. Victor has not suddenly become a paragon of virtue, where all should be forgiven. Come on, he just tried to frame Adam for murdering Constance, who probably had only died from heart failure. He went through a lot of trouble to try to set up his son for killing the older woman. Victor worked hard to hammer out the details from behind bars and to get the ideal accomplice to help him in his mission.

It's pretty obvious that the only reason why Victor did not go through with his plan to frame Adam was because of Connor. Until Chelsea pleaded her case to Victor, with his grandson in her arms, his setup was still full steam ahead. Victor only relented because he did not want Connor to be raised without his father, as Adam had been. Victor seemed to want Connor to have the chance at a life with a loving father that Adam had never had. Because, no matter how many faults Adam has, he truly loves his son. Even Victor can see that, which is why he changed his mind about having his youngest son imprisoned for years.

On the other hand, Adam could almost play his own part in this melodrama as Ian's faithful sidekick. Well, okay, maybe not faithful. More like backstabbing. But Adam appeared willing to do Ian's bidding as long as Ian testified on his behalf. Every villain needs a partner in crime, and Adam seemed to fit the bill. Only Adam insisted to Paul he had only pretended to do Ian's dirty work to get the devious dude to testify. But even if he hadn't helped Ian with the escape, as Paul pointed out, Adam had set everything into motion. So, in a sense, Adam was to blame for his father getting shot. Well, that's something Adam can take comfort in.

Ian took Nikki to the Abbott cabin, where he found his fellow stargazer, Phyllis, fresh from her latest sexual encounter with Billy. Well, except Ian didn't know Phyllis had just been lying in Billy's loving arms, or he probably wouldn't have anxiously suggested getting rid of Nikki to have quality time with Phyllis. Ugh. Yeah, Ian might have wanted to reconsider the "red hot love triangle" with his two beauties. They would make rather a strange threesome. Phyllis has never been described as weak or powerless, and she proved it by offering to shoot Nikki. For a second, I was a little worried Ian was going to just hand over the gun.

Ian's problem as a believable villain has been that he always stops short of doing anything truly fiendish. Whenever he has the chance to prove he is as devilish as he claims, he seems to wimp out, which makes him more clownish than demonic. And Victor needs a rogue worse than he is, so everyone can look to Vic for the rescue. It's not as frightening for the Newmans to be around the devil they know as to be threatened by the one they don't. However, it can come off looking corny when Ian continuously backs down without so much as a whimper. Could Ian cast off his cartoonish ways this time by looking more like a lawbreaking miscreant than an impish rascal?

But not even a speeding bullet could not stop Victor from dashing over to the cottage to rescue his lady from a fate worse than death -- or even from death. Are you kidding? The way Victor swaggered into the cabin, you would never have guessed he had been shot. He looked fit as a fiddle. No groans or moans or physical weakness or any kind of indication -- at all -- that he was in pain. Man, that's one tough dude, which is saying a whole lot, considering his age. You know, on the way to work this morning, I was wondering just how many Genoa Citizens have been shot in their soap lives. I can bet the total's pretty high up there. Honestly, I personally don't know one single person who has ever been shot. I must have lived a very sheltered life.

But there are soap characters that have been shot numerous times, and I believe Victor is in that category. When talking about an incident in his past, I can almost hear Victor start out with "Well, the last time I was shot...." It's almost like he's being used as target practice by his enemies. Well, at least they have someone to practice with. And Victor should be thankful Ian's aim was off this time. Next time (and there probably will be a next time), Ian may just hit his bull's-eye. We are talking about Ian, though, so probably not.

So, if eavesdropping on Victor's little chat with Victoria and Nick made Meredith fully aware of the "real Victor," shouldn't she have also realized that dear Vic's loyalty not only covers his children but also extends to Nikki, the love of Victor's life? If she didn't catch on after hearing Victor's declaration of love for his family, the truth should have smacked her in the face when Victor insisted Dr. Gates help smuggle him out of the hospital, just so he could rescue his fair maiden from the lecherous cad Ian.

I do give Meredith credit, though, for later admitting to Victoria and Nick that she loved Victor enough to help him save his wife, who, she knew, could be the only woman in his heart. Wow, what a price Meredith paid just to please her man and to make him happy. Now she will get a prison sentence of her very own for obstruction of justice and as an accessory. Meredith will be alone behind bars, and Nikki will have the comfort of knowing Victor loves her. But I'm sure it will all be worth it to Meredith in the end. (I'm being sarcastic, Meredith.)

My favorite superheroes, Paul and Dylan, are letting me down. The only witness they could find for the courthouse kidnapping was a homeless guy who only wanted a cup of coffee. Sheesh, if the poor guy was going to come up with some fake story of seeing a grey-haired man running off with a blonde woman, he should have asked for more than just a cup of Joe. He could have at least gotten a meal for all his trouble. Unfortunately, his story put the dynamic duo somewhat in a bind. Now that the writers are trying to turn Victor into some kind of a hero, could their next step be to elevate the Mustache into the superhero ranks with Dylan and Paul? Oh, please no!

Victor sure gave it his best shot in the cabin as the next one in line to be Superman though. He chuckled and demanded that Ian release a hostage before he would "stroke those keys" to complete the cash transfer. Well, actually, it was Ian who suggested that he release a hostage so Victor could hit the button. What?! And then Ian not only released Phyllis, he decided letting Nikki go would be a good idea also. That meant Ian gave up the only leverage he had against Victor, and he didn't even blink an eye before he let them both go. Oh, brother!

And then, Ian handed his gun over to Victor so that the Mustache could hold him at gunpoint. You have got to be kidding me. I understand he thought more time would be added to Victor's sentence, as a result, but did Ian really think this through? There were so many ways that plan could have gone wrong. Victor could have actually shot and killed him. Ian seriously needs to brush up on his villainous ways. He is becoming a laughingstock in the world of evil and malice.

So, our super crime-fighters, Paul and Dylan, found Victor holding a gun on Ian and immediately arrested Ian and carted him away. But it almost looked like Paul was ready to throw Victor a parade when he decided not to handcuff Victor. Ahhh...the redemption is complete. We'll just wait now for the governor's pardon to release Victor from prison for escaping to rescue his wife and Phyllis. That's a little bit of irony, huh? Victor's escape should have added time to his sentence, but what do you want to bet, dollars to donuts, that his actions will eventually lead to his release? Can you imagine any other prisoner getting that kind of break? First Adam, now Victor. Genoa City's morality is a little warped whenever it comes to the Newmans.

Nick even mentioned that, because Victor was the big hero, his father would have grounds for his appeal, but what does that have to do with anything? Fighting a sentence with an appeal only deals with the original case -- the one the prisoner was convicted of -- and a dramatic grand gesture later would have nothing to do with it. This could only be grounds for appeal in Soapland -- and for the Newmans. Shoot, every convict in every prison would try to escape just to do a good deed to clear their names of any and all crimes if that were the case. It's one thing to suspend disbelief, but this is ridiculous.

At least Dylan agreed with me and pointed out to Nikki that Victor's heroics would not erase the original charges Victor had been convicted of. But even the Boy Wonder admitted that having the whole family testify on Victor's behalf would go a long way toward overturning Victor's sentence. So, at the snap of a finger, his conviction would go bye-bye. Presto, change-o, abracadabra. Sometimes it can take years to get a falsely convicted person, proven innocent by evidence, released from prison, yet Victor was truthfully guilty of his crimes, and he will be freed immediately? Genoa City might as well place an ad online, promoting the fair city to those desiring a successful career in crime.

The suddenly weak as a baby kitten, Victor, sure had Nikki, hook, line and sinker. Oh, yes, Nikki decided Victor was back to being the man she had fallen in love with, so he had been punished enough. You could almost mentally picture our heroine in her dashing savior's arms as they promised each other sunshine, lollipops, raindrops on roses, and whiskers on kittens. Oops, I think I'm mixing a little Lesley Gore with The Sound of Music. But Victor is safely back on Nikki's pedestal -- until the next time he disappoints her. And you know he will. He always does.

And Nick was absolutely correct in believing Victor would go straight to Newman Enterprises upon his imminent release, only Nick didn't realize Victor's intention was to have Adam at his side. It looked like Adam was trying to figure out which was the lesser of two evils: prison or working side by side with his father. That would be a tough call. It's funny how we are back to where we started, though. It seems Victor wanted Adam at the helm of Newman Enterprises, by hook or by crook, all along. But how long will it take for any of them to realize Luca is the inside traitor? Nick claimed he didn't see Summer as a porcelain doll or a snowflake to be used by Luca, only as daddy's Supergirl. Hey, like grandfather, like granddaughter.

Okay, since Victor saved the day, can Phyllis or Jack look past all of the dirty deeds Victor has pulled on them in the past? With Billy as Phyllis' diversion, it may have been possible for Phyllis. My mother cannot stand Jason Thompson's version of Billy Abbott because Billy has become so unlikeable. She can't imagine Billy Miller's Billy ever doing to Jack what Jason's Billy is doing to his big brother. Sure, Billy has always gotten himself into trouble, especially when it comes to the affairs of the heart, but he just seems to be acting so cruel right now. Does Billy really believe Jack deserves what he and Phyllis are doing to him? For that matter, does Phyllis?

Phyllis talked about how wonderful Jack has been to her, so did he really deserve for her to fake being passed-out drunk just to avoid being close to him? On his birthday? Happy birthday, darling. Oh, by the way, I cringe every time you get close to me. How could Jack not see the extreme liberties Red was taking to stay far, far away from his loving arms? He really needs a clue, and if Billy had his way, he would give it to him. Didn't Billy look almost excited when Jack asked to borrow his phone to call Phyllis? Billy couldn't take his phone out of his pocket fast enough. You could tell Billy was hoping beyond hope that Jack would find out about his brother's affair with his wife.

And I can't believe the lengths Billy will go through to wrestle Phyllis away from his brother. Really, Billy's making Jack look like an idiot. So, Jack was willing to take advice on his love life from someone who had let the supposed love of his life get away? How could a concerned Jack possibly let his younger brother talk him out of going to the cottage to check on Phyllis? I mean, this goes way beyond just being a nice guy. A loving husband would run to check on his wife if he felt something was wrong. And Billy has dropped so many hints about his relationship with Phyllis, Jack is starting to look dumb. Again. This goes way past just being nave.

It was rather funny, though, when Phyllis ran into the Athletic Club, straight into Jack's arms -- right in front of Billy. Ha, I loved the look on Billy's face. That was priceless. Maybe Phyllis got wise from her captivity to appreciate what she has had all along, which was the love of a great man -- who would be Jack, not Billy. Honestly, Billy has taken being selfish to a whole new level. I admit I had to laugh when Jack commented to his brother that they both wanted the same thing. I thought to myself, "More than you know, my dear." Jack just didn't know how true that was.

And Phyllis seemed sincere when she told Billy that her relationship with Jack was "real and special." She begged Billy for time to think, but really, she should be more than annoyed that Billy had taken the decision out of Phyllis' hands by telling Jack that Jack's relationship with Phyllis was doomed. Billy had some nerve. Phyllis is the last person who would ever want to be controlled, but Billy seemed to be doing just that. If he keeps it up, his chances to be with Phyllis will fall off drastically.

Speaking of control, I almost cracked up laughing, when Hilary told Jack the protocol caused Hilary to have mood swings to where she had a complete lack of control. After seeing her sneaky smirk afterwards, it was clear Hilary had become the puppeteer, and Jack was her dummy. Victor would be so proud. No, nothing will stop Hilary in her tracks when it comes to her pursuit of Jack. Hilary wanted it all -- Jack and Devon's millions. Hopefully, Devon can find his grandmother's strength and keep Katherine's money far, far away from Hilary's greedy hands.

Thank goodness Kevin and Mariah finally got some drugs pumped back into Sharon before she went freefalling off the deep end. And she was headed that way fast. It's only a temporary fix because, as they should know very well, Sharon will just go right back off her meds the first chance she gets, if she so chooses. But, honestly, why would she want to? Sharon went from having nightmares of Sage to seeing visions of Sage at any given moment. You would think Sharon would have been grabbing her pills to stop those scary Sage sightings.

But, no, Kevin had to blackmail Sharon to take her medication. How sad. It still doesn't mean she will really take it though. Mariah had better be careful, because she's beginning to look a little wishy-washy, although it's true that her mother has put her in a bad situation. I have always liked Mariah because she usually sticks to her guns, however, she probably isn't sure which guns are hers anymore. So, was Sharon off her meds or was she just in a really, really, really good mood when she was cleaning house? I guess no more hauntings of the dead mother of your baby would make any maternal female deliriously happy.

Ian told Phyllis his advice to Nikki has been, "Never again alone." Shoot, you would think those words from Ian would have Nikki always wanting to be alone.

Although Ian could never get close to his cute Chelsea 2.0 ditty, he tried again with his little song of being in the land of milk and honey with his sweet, sweet money after he demanded a two million-dollar ransom from Victor. If you ever need a jingle, just give Ian a call. Maybe he should give up his life of crime and write commercials.

Ian also had me snickering when he asked a gun-toting Victor, whose arm was in a sling, if it would be an eye for an eye -- or a shoulder for a shoulder. That was cute and rather clever.

Alas, Max must have had one of those rare soap conditions that couldn't miraculously be cured in a flash. Oh, the pity of it all.

Until next time, please stay tuned.Teddi

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