Girls gone wild

What a week... especially if you like action. There was plenty of activity as Madame Arena-Bell pushed the stories along at a breakneck speed.

What a week... especially if you like action. There was plenty of activity as Madame Arena-Bell pushed the stories along at a breakneck speed. We still haven't gotten anywhere, but where moving, don't you think? In one week alone, Jack was in court over his Jabot deal -- how did that happen so fast? -- his son turned up out of the blue, and his new wifey turned into a vindictive partner in crime. But leave it to Jack, he didn't even notice that anything was amiss with Patty/Emily. What does it say about a man that he can't tell the difference between a professional, accomplished woman like Emily and a crippled, addled child-woman pretending to be someone else? So, Diane showed up with Kyle. Happy-happy-joy-joy for Jack; he's got his kid in town. For a man so obsessed with children and family, why hasn't Kyle been spending more time with his father? I think he'd want joint custody. But, no, we had this whole arch scene with Patty/Emily silently flipping out over Diane's appearance and Kyle's involvement in Jack's life. Question: if Patty/Emily loves Jack as she says she does, why does she hate his kid? Oh, right. She's a lunatic and nothing she does make any sense. That covers it all for the writers apparently.

I'd be concerned for Diane right now except that she has the ultimate insurance policy -- Kyle. If anything happens to Diane, Jack would get the boy permanently and Patty/Emily does NOT want that. No way. So Patty/Emily's homicidal urges are focused on the blonde in the bed, the real Dr. P. Frankly, if I were Dr. P, I'd sue the hospital for allowing her to lay there with that head of hair! Holy, moley, was a mess. When she gets a mirror, somebody is going to pay for that dye job. That's assuming she survives the dead job that Patty's trying to give her. Seriously, where on earth is security? This is a hospital -- not even the sanitarium. Why aren't there any people around to catch Patty's rages? It's not like she checks around the corner before flipping out. And, remember, that's supposed to be Patty lying in the bed, the same Patty that killed Colleen and shot Victor. No guards. No restraints. No nothing. In what universe does that happen?

By the way, is Genoa City a thriving metropolis or a small town with one street? I ask because Michael seems to be the only lawyer anybody employs. He's called for divorces, SEC investigations, missing persons cases, corporate espionage... is there anything he doesn't do? When does he have time to go to the gym and work on that upper body physique he keeps showing off? Here's what I think we need for Mikey -- a partner!

You know Cane's immigration issues are going to become Michael's next case, it's inevitable. But why would the damn INS care about an Australian bartender in Wisconsin? Where's Katharine Chancellor to pull some strings? Come on, it doesn't take a lot for an influential citizen like Kay to call the U.S. Senator and ask him to look into the case. Especially since the worst that'll happen is paying a fine. He is married to an American citizen. Even if he lied, you don't go to jail for that and the INS will not keep a husband from a cancer-stricken wife. Maria Arena Bell, please -- this is a contrived conflict and unworthy of Cane and Lily's story when she has real issues with her ovarian cancer! Although, one last thought: Cane is a stupid jerk. All that lying, fake social security number... didn't he think anyone would notice?

So, anybody know where's Adam? Maybe it's a new game, like Where's Waldo? There he is, hiding behind a potted palm at the Athletic Club! There he is, under the bar at Jimmy's. It was very dramatic for him to be a no-show at court on Friday, but for what reason? Is he sticking it to Victor? Is he in cahoots with Jack? What on earth is Sharon supposed to think now?

Meanwhile, Nancy Drew -- Phyllis -- is snooping around to find out what Adam did at Harvard. Hmm... what did he do with Skye and Dr. Taylor and the boogeyman? Perhaps there was a coven of witches involved as well? This whole dark mystery is supposed to be so heinous that Phyllis thinks it'll send Sharon back into the nut house. Perhaps Sharon has a frequent-flyer pass to the place? She can simply check in every time her world is rocked by a psychopath? What Sharon needs this week is a visit from Doris. Her mother should be more involved in her life, especially since Sharon's recent life has been like Calamity Jane, from the rushed elopement, the plane crash, the house fire... who lives through all that and doesn't have the need for a mom's advice? And considering the mental breakdowns she's suffered, weekly therapy sessions!

What gives with Victoria? She's not even divorced yet and she's already getting entangled with Billy. Wouldn't you be smart enough to run in the other direction? Then she has her father to thank for throwing her into the Jabot mess. At least there she was wise and turned down the job. But if you were Victoria, what would you think of your Dad and brother conspiring to steal Jabot by using a mole. People, that's illegal. Victor is a cheat. He should be in jail for his shenanigans. And Tucker is a dunce if he believed that Adam could be trusted.

Tucker may be a dunce anyway. It didn't take much for Katherine to get the goods on him. Did you see him squirm? She had him. She let him go, but she had him! What's up with that? Is it really as simple as digging around that you can cripple your opponent in one fell swoop? Tucker was purported to be a genius at business. Kay exposed him in less than two weeks. Maria, what's with the writing, darling?

While I have my knives out, shall we discuss the mysterious mystery of Jana the missing? Isn't that the same cage where they kept the white polar bears on Lost? Honestly, what is that place? And if the point is to kill Jana for knowing too much, why are they keeping her locked up? The plot line just seems like something we've been through a hundred times before, going all the way back to Victor imprisoning Julia's lover and crazy Lisa locking up Brad Carlton. The show has a history with these things... and wasn't the damn Silver Chipmunk a prisoner, too?

Oh, one last thing: you don't cancel a PET scan. They are extremely expensive and hard to get the insurance company to approve. It would be irresponsible to do what Lily did when her life is hanging in the balance. Where was Neil or Devon or Aunt Olivia to make her realize that Cane's legal issues are nothing compared to her survival. I don't like treating something as real as cancer like a bad cold.

Before wrapping up, let's check out the mailbag...

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