The portions on my plate

It was another week spent scratching in the dirt, looking for a morsel of scintillating storyline to snack upon.

For this fan, it was another week spent scratching in the dirt, looking for a morsel of scintillating storyline to snack upon. Alas, by week's end, I found myself still hungry, with a rumbling, mostly empty stomach. But I keep telling myself the current unsatisfactory fare can't continue being ladled on our plates forever. Although at times it seems doubtful, all things, both good and bad, have to come to a screeching halt at some point, don't they? All I have to do is grit my teeth, keep shaking my head in denial, and hold on for all I'm worth because things will surely change for the better eventually. Won't they? And given some of the unpalatable pabulum we've been served lately, things can only get better from here. Can't they?

I mean, take for instance, Phyllis. I refuse to refer to that imposter as Sheila because she no more brings to mind Sheila than I would if you stuck me in a cage with black-rooted orange extensions, ugly jeans and even uglier tennis shoes and scraped off all my makeup. Add to that the deadpan, monotone delivery, the unblinking stare, the beanpole straight posture (at least before she stuck herself in the gut with the wooden baby bed slat), and this one doesn't even make me laugh. Just roll my eyes and try to endure it in hopes of its ending soon. And if Phyllis #2 isn't even going to get to escape and wreak havoc in all of Phyllis #1's relationships, what's the point? Heaven forbid, the new golden girl of Genoa City should have a trial or two in her new and perfect Phyllisworld existence. And I was surprised she didn't choke on her own hypocritical words when she looked down her supercilious snout and pointed her finger at all the dissembling dysfunction going on in Bradworld. Funny, I never once heard her confessing any of her past crimes to her dunderhead husband before she ran off and line danced her way to the altar with him. Well, here's a newsflash, Miss I'm so perfect, my breath doesn't even stink in the morning, I don't care how many coats of whitewash have been slapped on your barnacled behind. Underneath, you are still the same scarred and blackened unscrupulous skillet you've always been. As she proved with her quick threat to anonymously inform the Ohio authorities about those bodies Brad planted. By the way, as often happens with this new and supposedly improved soap format, I found myself wondering when I missed something important. Like, when exactly did those bodies surface and how did Phyllis the Perfect know about it? I guess all those whitewash fumes are starting to get to this big mouthed bimbo. Because her husband, who also has a weird habit of only having scruples when it comes to other people's wrongs, is an accessory after the fact. Of course, that's really not a problem. Not for Nick the Snitch. I assume he'd whirl his sister around and unblinkingly stab her in the back just as he did when he plunged the blade in the back of his own father. Before they knew what had hit them, J.T., Paul, Sharon, Victoria, Brad, Rebecca, Colleen, even Ma and Pa Newman, could all find themselves in Genoa lockup, helplessly listening as Nick and his filly bray chorus after chorus of their turned state's evidence song. These two continue to disgust me, both together and apart.

But, back to the case of the bedraggled cat in the cage. Surprisingly, as this preposterous plot has gone on, the most watchable part of it has actually become Paul. Oh, sure, Michael's been good as well, but Paul is the one who set all this in motion the moment he ordered Phyllis behind the bars at gunpoint. Detective Maggie's description of the look in Paul's eyes as tortured was right on the mark. As was his look of horrified alarm as she joked about tailing him to what was really troubling him. And now he has the odorous duty of single-handedly dragging the woman he detests back from death's door. I'm with Michael, let her die, and take the other Phyllis with her. Heck, she's already practically a skeleton. It shouldn't take long for the breath to ebb from her body. Since she's not going to eat, I say tape her mouth shut so her raucous cries cannot be heard and come back in about two weeks. Then simply call it suicide and bury her where she'd never be found. Brad can surely suggest an appropriate burial place and call it a well-spent day.Of course, we know that Paul, any tough talk to the contrary notwithstanding, would never be able to do that. And if he did, we fans would never let him put it behind him. Ha-Ha! I just hope he's not going to end up falling in love with her.

So how will this one end? Well, if it's true this is to be Sheila's (in any and all incarnations) final hurrah, I imagine before it's over Lauren will be led into the need to know circle or cage, if you will. Perhaps Paul's Nurse Nightingale act, despite his hatred, will somehow miraculously change Sheila and she will be cured of her Lauren obsession once and for all and will never darken their doors again. Yeah, I know, that would be way too easy. Sheila's probably faking, like always. Anyway, if there is any justice in this world, this too shall pass. Somehow. And my hope is that when it does, it really will be the last we'll hear or see of Sheila.

By the way, I was home sick most of the week, which gave me a rare opportunity to lie abed flipping channels. So, imagine my complete surprise to see Lauren all perked up, clapping her hands in support of Eric Forrester over at B&B. Wow, she not only made it out of the house, leaving Fen behind, but all the way onto a plane to California. Yet only a day before she was practically prostrate with fear, her stomach heaving with near nausea, at the thought of a cup of java at the AC with Gloria. Who woulda thunk it!

Wow, I see it still somewhat sucks to be Sharon. Now that all the scuff marks have been buffed from Phyllis' behind, leaving it all pristine and perfect, Sharon continues to get jabbed with the dirt-encrusted end of the sharp pointy stick. It wasn't enough that in 2006 Phyllis got her man, the love of her in-laws, not to mention the love and adoration of her one remaining child, apparently her losses are going to continue in 2007 as well. Jack was once as bent out of shape, his nose wrinkled against the bitter stench of betrayal, as Sharon was, but obviously his elevator midwifery experience has changed him, returning him to mush at Phyllis' prancing hooves and has made him as besotted with Summer as he has returned to being with her mother, leaving Sharon with no real shoulder to lean on. As she probably figured out the moment she overheard Jack declare the only antidote he could think of to alleviate his rattling around in the Abbott cage suffering was the melodious sound of Phyllis' raucous caws. This after hearing straight from the same muttering mare's mouth of Jack's loving nursery gesture and change of heart over Sharon's previously hotly contested photos. Obviously, the scrawled black lettering is written clearly and legibly on the walls for this mismatched romance. It is all but over. Even Sharon, who has often been accused of not being the sharpest crayon in the box of colors, can't help but see that Jack is still in love with Phyllis and for all intents and purposes has gone over to the other side, picked up a pair of pom poms and is pumping them skyward with all his might with the rest of her rallying supporters. And it is now official. Phyllis has no remaining enemies and is universally loved and worshipped city wide. Kind of makes you wonder whether Sharon the character will soon be on its way out? Or will 2007 finally give her a man and a purpose of her own? I hope so.

Next up, the dreaded reliquary and its accompanying mess. What is this one really about? Why was Brad's family really killed? Who is bugging Brad's place? Who has the reliquary? Who wants it? Why? What's in it that was invisible to Rebecca's eyes? How much bloodied money will Victor have to throw in the water to draw the greedy shark in possession of it out into the open and convince him to swim after it? And why didn't all the money Victoria and Nick offered last summer accomplish the same trick? Oh, that's right. Their money wasn't being dangled by the Great and Powerful Victor Oz Newman. But the biggest and most important question for me is when is it going to be over??!! Please say it will be soon and final. Of course it will. Because once the bad guys get seared by the icy hot heat of Victor Newman's glare, they're going to start shaking in their boots and will probably turn themselves straight into the appropriate authorities. Because even they are likely to be well aware that Victor never loses.

In the other case of when will it end, also known as the Carmen Messed Up Murder, this one continues to generate more questions than answers. Like, how did David Chow get a copy of the tape? Did Carmen happen to send him one? And why? As far as we were shown, those two weren't even in contact with each other until the day she was murdered when she called him to chastise him about his loose lips to PI Paul. And if these two were all but husband and wife, at least according to Chow, why was Carmen in such hot and panting pursuit of Neil? Didn't she know she had a fianc who was just waiting for the right moment to slip an oversized bauble on her finger? And just who is Dru's stalker? The one presumably who cut up her clothes, keyed her car and flattened her tires? How did they know Dru was parked where the security cameras could not see? Are they invisible? For that matter, how did they get in her apartment? Are they also coincidentally a whiz with the edge of a credit card? How did they get her home and cell phone numbers? I also presume he or she is also a computer whiz. As in hacking their way, without leaving any electronic footsteps, of course, into Kevin's computer and deleting three days of Crimson's security camera surveillance. Not to mention, killing Carmen in a way and location that left no evidence the law could find, dumped her body and then proceeded to plant evidence everywhere implicating one Winters or another. Well, one thing about whoever this criminal is, you can certainly tell they don't live in Genoa City because Genoa City criminals are not nearly so adept at roaming and rampaging at will underneath the very noses of Genoa City's blind keystone cops. Of course, perhaps were the poor excuses for law enforcement less focused on their romantic pursuits (Bardwell with Jill and Maggie with Paul) and more attentive to actually catching a real criminal instead of running in rapid circles around the wrong ones), they might actually solve a case correctly for a change. Thankfully, the Mesta murder mess is said to be set for final stirring and serving sometime in February. It's been a jumbled mess for months now, I don't really give a hot hoot in heck who knocked the serial marriage attempted murderess in the head and made her dead; I just want the whole mess behind me.

Okay, on to what I do like of the week's offerings. Katherine and her murky here years ago, but long gone today memories. Okay, sure I know, the whole thing is more than a bit unbelievable. After living with Jill and Kay and Nina through Phillip's entire life, most of what we know we now have to toss in the incinerator and watch it turn to cinders because it no longer fits with the new fabric of his life that's suddenly being knitted loosely together. I can get behind this one, though, because that Cane guy (who presumably is the missing Chancellor heir) is some kind of easy on the eyes, isn't he? Those were dimples in his cheeks weren't they? Plus I always hated that Phillip Chancellor was killed off. Too bad Kay couldn't have dreamed Rex Sterling's death too. On top of that, I live for anything that has nothing much to do with the infant brigade and their infernal and extremely annoying whining and whimpering. I'm looking forward to watching Jill and Kay give this one their best shots. Something meaty for them has been a long time coming and will hopefully be worth the wait. As long as DA Will doesn't turn it into a witch hunt for Kay's carcass for her long ago kidnapping.

Next, though I don't hold out much hope it will ever really be solved, how gratifying it was to see that manipulative smirk wiped off Gloria's calculating mug, if only for one prolonged moment, at the thought of actually getting caught with her avaricious mitts wedged in the tainted cream jar. There she was, simpering like the school girl she hasn't been for decades, fishing industriously for a complimentary look or statement she could misconstrue from the man over whose head she has her long-handled net poised. And for all her trouble, all she wound up with was Will's effusive praise on behalf of the Jill rival for his affections. All I can say is, what Gloria's getting now, which at the moment is not a blessed thing, is exactly what I happen to think she so richly deserves. When is the wide-eyed one going to Extreme Catwalk anyway? Shouldn't her plane be on the runway by now?

But, by far, the thing that had me crowing the loudest with glee was finally, finally, finally, seeing and hearing Colleen Carleton get the boot!

Over the years there have been many, many annoying characters that have treaded painfully on my last remaining nerve, bringing me to the very brink of a brain boil over, but none has been so universally annoying to me than Colleen Carlton is and continues to be. It's a sad shame when a character is so unlikable she manages to make you feel sympathy for the people who have wronged her instead of the other way around. The woman once stood a very good chance of becoming a roasted side of beef, yet I find myself always rooting for the fire starting Kevin than poor little almost murdered Colleen. Yes, I was on the floor, literally prostrate with hilarity, when Kevin blew that Colleen creature and her Korbel crush right out of the rancid water.

Back when I was a wee child eavesdropping unobtrusively on grown folks' conversation, I used to hear one or another of the ladies say something along the lines of, "I tell you, they would say, in the most mocking tone imaginable, "that man, or that woman, or that blankety blank blank (whatever fit that particular situation at the time), is about a useless as teats on a bull." Well, every time I have to listen to something stupid come out of Colleen's mouth or have to look at that simpleton expression that seems to be her daily around the clock look, I find myself hearkening back to those days and those overheard conversations and find myself nodding my head in agreement.

Week after excruciating week, I have had to listen to this woman whine whisperingly about how she loves J.T. but she can't stop thinking about Korbel. I don't want to lose my boyfriend. But I can't stop thinking about kissing Korbel. J.T. made love to me. Oh but Korbel looked at me today. He liked my white Tee, he drew my picture. I don't know who I want. I don't know who I love. I don't know how I feel. Lily has surely proven herself as a very good friend because she actually listens to this never-ending insanity and even tries to offer sensible advice, though Colleen does with it exactly what Lily once did with Colleen's advice about Kevin. Ignores it and does exactly what she wants to do.

Well, since she couldn't seem to stop waffling back and forth, unable to decide, oh dear what should I do, J.T. did the job for her, helped along by Kevin, Colleen's elementary school Adrian doodling and those ridiculous emails. J.T. made love to me today, she told Lily. I'm surprised Lily didn't immediately email back: Too much information, Col. Too much information. I probably don't have to tell you how enjoyable it was watching J.T. come blinkingly into the bright light and then once he saw the truth, immediately give Colleen a great big old juicy piece of his mind and the sharp and salty side of his tongue. I'm surprised she was able to squeeze out that one less than crocodile sized tear.

But don't bother feeling too sorry for poor little dumped Colleen. Because after that one lone trickling tear and about 15 moping minutes whining to Lily about how she wanted to get her boyfriend back, she shook off her melancholy, trotted her behind straight to Crimson where she immediately started eying Korbel, tasted his name on her tongue and began positioning her mouth for her next anticipated nibble of him. Conveniently, Korbel had already dispatched Amber to the pile of recycled rejects so how many wonder how many longing looks will be exchanged between these two, before they're telling themselves how very much they shouldn't even as they are doing it anyway?

So, who will J.T. love next? By the way, was I the only fan more than a little amused at watching J.T. on the receiving end of the cheating stick for a change instead of being the one wielding it. I guess it's true that you really do reap what you sow, get what you give, receive from others what you've done to someone else, etc. etc. Will his new love be Amber? Or is she being reserved for Cane? Or Daniel (what the heck is going on there?)

If Daniel begins to love Amber, who will Lily love? Cane?

And lastly, what about poor Devon? Will he ever get to love anybody?

And while you're at it, writers, can Sharon please have someone to love that doesn't already love someone else? Please?

Okay, fans, I've had my moments of merriment. It's your turn now. Have at it!

* * * * * * *

TAMEKIA - I love Y&R. Please drop that Sheila story; it is making me sick. Please let J.T. be Brad's son by his first wife. Let Malcolm return to the show and begin to get to know his daughter Lily and her husband. I would like to see that they made a mistake and let Carmen be alive and recast her. Let it be Devon's real mother stalking Dru because she really wants Neil. Please let Sharon and Brad get together, J.T. and Victoria, Kevin and Colleen, Paul and Maggie and Bardwell and Gloria.

LORI - I have watched Y&R for over 20 years but I find that it is losing my interest due to the storylines. It's totally out of control. I can't believe Ashley was fired and yet people like Amber were cast into it. She is a bimbo and a horrible actress. The story with Kay is so farfetched and Sheila just needs to die already! Why is Phyllis involved in everything? Personally I am kind of sick of her. Y&R please, I know it's a soap opera, however, it is truly becoming unbelievable and ridiculous.

PAMELA - Thank you for having a place for me to vent. I use to refer to Y&R as the "thinking man's soap", but no longer. The show has turned into a slutty, sloppy mess. Where is Neil's suit and why is Dru running around town with her hair all over her head and with braids and a man's hat! Colleen looks like a slut with that faux fur raggedy coat. The men all need shaves; J.T., Paul, Korbel. This used to be a classy show, but now there is screaming and fighting among ALL of the characters. I don't know what they will do next because they are so far afield. The writers should be fired and the story taken all the way back to Daddy Abbott's illness, he should come out of a coma and ALL of the storylines could get back to some sort of sanity. The Sheila story should be STOPPED right now, let that warehouse blow up and we can all move on. Lauren needs to stop whining, it is not her character at all and she needs to fix that baby's name, FIN or FEN, its stupid. And why hasn't her Scottie called or anything? I don't think I can watch much longer it is breaking my heart.

SHELLE - The only thing I like about the Sheila storyline is at least Paul is getting a story now, and they are developing his character somewhat instead of him just being in Genoa City without any storyline. Sheila kicking him was so funny. Perhaps Paul's feelings for Lauren will be revealed as his true intent. Can you imagine how Lauren will feel when she realizes what Paul and Michael kept from her? Also I would like Sheila to go on the run and Paul go after her, and be a real detective, and get that boring woman cop away from him. Bring Chris back or get him a real worthy and interesting love interest.

TASHA - I can not STAND the role Phyllis is playing (Sheila). I want the real Sheila back. I fast forward all of that mess. I'm glad Sharon finally got a taste of her own medicine she makes me sick and such an unfit mother, missing in action while Nick takes care of her daughter. Drucilla didn't kill Carmen but my goodness she gets on my last nerve, she does not know what it means to keep her mouth closed! Neil has no control over that woman. Brad should be taken off the story but not before the little affair he had with Sharon is told, oh and Victoria my goodness, please find the other Victoria. Last but not least, how can I forget about Amber? She does not fit in this story at all. Send her back to the BB. Please listen to the people that watch this story; it's driving me insane. I record this every day but at this point I'm not missing much. I can just read it. I fast forward most of it anyway.

KELLEY - I feel as if I never want to watch this show again. It is so stupid. This Sheila & Phyllis story - enough already!

JM - Are all the interrogation rooms booked at GC police headquarters? Evidently, coffee shops are the new police stations. Bardwell and his puppy sidekick feel free to discuss the Carmen Messed-up murder, Dru, Devon, David Chow, Kevin ... and the list goes on for all to see and hear as they lurk in the background. Their famous line of "I can't discuss that" is almost humorous as they spew forward inappropriate info to anyone enjoying a latte at Crimson Lights. And would someone finally slip some rat poisoning in Sheila's latte? I just can't stand yet another round of her antics.

JAVAQUEEN - Writer Cinnamon addressed an interesting question - where are all those kids of years past? With the mess the writers have made of this show, one idea would be to scrap all current characters and start up a new generation with all the "lost children". Like Paul's daughter, Heather, remember her? She must be around 25 right now. Paul's son w/Isabella (maybe he resides on Wisteria Lane?). Jack's son, Kyle & his other son Keemo. Olivia's son, Nate. Lauren's son Scott (did she call him at Christmas time? Shouldn't he come to see his new brother?) Mentioned by Cinnamon - Nina's son Philip, Victor Jr. & Esther's daughter. I find it inconsistent that these characters always tout how important family is, but we don't even see them making an occasional reference or phone call to their children. One more thought - I've always wondered, what happened to Patti Williams, Paul's sister?

ANGEL - I have had it with the Y&R. This whole Sheila thing is crazy. I am sick of her and I love MS but seeing her play two roles is too much. I hope that the s/l gets better, until then I will just read the recaps.

LAURIE - I have finally joined the ranks of some of your other readers. I have stopped watching Y&R. As a fan since the soap began I am so disappointed in these current storylines. Once they showed Phyllis/Sheila in a cage, that did it for me. It is the most inane and unrealistic storyline as well as shades of Brad being held in a cage years ago. The stories are all so boring and the pairings of couples are even worse. At this point I am taking a break in the hopes the stories will get better. John is gone, Ashley is gone, they are turning Jack into an unfeeling monster, Gloria is so obnoxious as are Phyllis and Nick. I hope the writers will bring some of these stories to a close and get back to Jack and Victor's rivalry, Jack in charge of Jabot, and Victor in charge at Newman. I too am tired of Victor always winning over Jack. I will keep reading your commentaries Nita and, maybe at some point, I will feel like watching what used to be my favorite soap again. Hope you are feeling better by the time you get this.

SUE - I think the viewers should pick a week to boycott the show to prove to the writers that we are serious when we say we've had enough of these ridiculous storylines - Sheila/Phyllis, the Reliquary, Amber/Colleen/J.T./Adrian, Carmen's murder and on and on.

LONDA - Hey guys, ugh, I'll be glad when some of these stories wrap up (Brad/George, Carmen Messy) and others heat up (Colleen/Korbel, Phyllis/Nick implosion). I mean, it's all dragging on way too much. Hope it doesn't take half the year to find Jill's son, hope it doesn't take two months to dispose of the new Sheila. I'm so sick of Nick and Phyllis. I love her so much better with Jack, when will they find out Summer is his? Nick should be with Sharon, despite all their problems over the years, I always loved them together. I really hate how everyone just loves the Newman newlyweds and accepts their affair-turned-marriage. Nuts and just unbelievable, is it really that easy to switch partners after 10 years of coupledom? How has Phyllis died and been reborn a sane, classy lady? NOT! Come on, how much of this sanctimonious woman do we have to take? She is as bad as her snobby new m.i.l. Sick of them both. And lastly, Lily and Daniel, honestly, who cares? I miss Davetta.

MYRA - I have been a big fan of the Y&R for years but please, please, please drop the Sheila story. Enough of her. This is very tiring. I can't stand Lauren being so useless on the show. She has always been a great character. Toughen her up a little. Maybe she'll finally kill Sheila for good this time once Sheila escapes from her cage! Let's keep our fingers crossed that this storyline won't drag on. Colleen is too much. She really is a whiner. She has a lot of nerve for harassing J.T. over his job. He's a PI and he doesn't have to tell her everything. Well it looks like she has it coming with J.T. - he'll leave her and she'll be stuck sucking around the professor - the "serial killer" - I think there's something very fishy about him. I agree with one of your fans that wrote in and mentioned Nikki's snobby face all the time. She probably hates the new writers and can't take that awful look off her face. And please do something with Sharon, her character is so far off I can't believe it. Set her up with someone else, she and Jack do not suit each other. I really like Jack but he needs someone older & wiser. I have to say that I really feel for Jack. Leave him alone. Everyone is picking on him. His whole family is gone now. The only Abbott left. He really is a sensitive person. Why the hell shouldn't he own Jabot? Let him be. Anyhow enough said. The Y&R sure has changed. I will continue to watch it (have been watching for over 22 years now faithfully) - but will fast forward when necessary.

IRENE - The Sheila storyline I guess is getting the attention, in the wrong way. I speak for millions of fans I know. Bringing her back into the storyline with no redeemable traits is a travesty. For me, I won't watch when she is on. I'm sickened by it, literally. You have 2 other storylines that are much better, the mystery of Carmen's murder. Or was she? Will we see her twin pop up? LOL. Brad and Victor teaming up, that's new and it is workable. I think that mystery is cool. But this Sheila thingy went out years ago. We despised the character then and we do now, and no one wants to see her playing these sick games anymore. I have to tell you, I even started hating the actress that played her too, where I could not watch anything to do with her. People grow, therefore fans grow and what may have been fun to watch years ago is now old, And you can't bring back the same shock value. Serial murders, espionage, has more value these days. The Sheila storyline is plain sick, and I for one will not be watching it. Sadly the writers are doing the same thing on their sister show, trying to bring back shock value with "Ridgey fidgey, and "Brookie" the red light girl. LOL. Thanks for letting me let off steam and God bless.