Jack vs. Victor...again

After learning whose face was hidden behind the mask of the knight in tarnished armor his daughter hired to ride in and save his company, John nearly expired from ire.

My apologies fans, for being so late with my sarcastic slant. It wasn't enough that I returned home a lot later than I planned. But when I finally got my sluggish brain in gear, I wrote and subsequently lost the bulk of my freshly written column just minutes away from completion. All those witty words and sentences I struggled so mightily to string together - poof - gone into that electronic wasteland where no man or woman has ever gone and found that which they had inexplicably lost. And though I tried, I admit this second attempt is not as good the first. But here it is anyway.

Although the state of the company was akin to being buried up to the neck in quicksand, John apparently would rather it sank from sight entirely instead of allowing Victor to be the savior who tossed it a rescue rope. Because after learning whose face was hidden behind the mask of the knight in tarnished armor his daughter hired to ride in and save his company, John nearly expired from ire. Stomping his foot in impotent rage, he ordered her to undo her deal with the devil and immediately drive away the hungry hound she'd allowed into the Abbott chicken coop before he ate up all the egg-laying hens. Being a sometimes dutiful daughter, Ashley tried to heed her Daddy's decree and attempted to snatch back the reins from her black knight's clenched fists, after he had beaten back the slavering wolves from the Jabot door, of course. Victor didn't die laughing at her ridiculous idea, but I nearly did. In the end, although John was not what anyone would consider a very happy camper, Victor was eventually able to smooth the elderly rooster's affronted feathers.

Instead of respecting his sister's decision to allow Victor to single-handedly haul Jabot back from the brink of bankruptcy, Jack hastened to pollinate the petals of disgruntled flowers, Jill and Brad. The three goblins of gloom are convinced Victor's real reason for lending a helping hand is nothing more than a way to snatch Jabot out from under the inept Abbots, a plot supposedly hatched and brooded over for a great number of years. While it's true Victor has had both manicured hands and at least one well-shod foot in the pot of problems beleaguering Jabot, Jack's many bad business decisions have had a lot to do with their current situation as well. So I'm not buying Jack's version of the diabolical truth. I could be wrong, but I think the simple fact is since Victor can't bring himself to terminate his surly son and upset the delicate hate/hate relationship between them, I think he's just looking for something challenging to fill his daytime hours.

Continuing his pattern of acting without board or anyone else's approval, least of all the owner of any company he works for, Jack tried to take the first step to dilute the jet black ink on CI's ledger by offering to buy up Jabot's astronomical debt. Unfortunately, citing an unwillingness to do anything that might make King Victor Midas transfer his considerable gold to other, more cooperative institutions, none would touch Jack's offer with the proverbial ten foot pole.

Perhaps the banks were right to refuse Jack's generous buck oh five on the dollar deal. Because despite his boastful offer, he had no idea whether he could convince Kay to let him make good on his grandiose promise. Kay might well regret placing Jack at the helm of her for the moment healthy company. Because it's obvious he'll risk every last cent of Chancellor change to bring Victor to his knees.

I know many fans hate seeing Victor constantly jerk Jack face down in the mud in this corporate tug of war, but I confess I'm not one of them. I like Jack, but often find his antics annoying and ill-advised. And I find his immense enjoyment in the bad blood between Newman father and son particularly ugly. For Jack, nothing in life is as satisfying as trying to beat Victor at the corporate game. He now has an entire company to run as he sees fit, yet instead of turning his attention to those matters, the only thing capable of making his heart pitter patter with excitement is continuing his vendetta against Victor.

NOW Brad is worried about the plummeting morale of the rank and file at seeing Newman striding self-importantly through the halls? Seems to me Victor's presence would have the opposite effect. I can practically hear the whispered conversations in break rooms, hallways and restrooms now. "Hey Bob, have you heard the latest? Instead of going into bankruptcy, it's possible the end is not near. With Newman at the helm, we may get to keep our jobs after all." "Dag nabbit, Stan," Bob's companion would mournfully lament, "And here I was looking forward to trying to feed my family on inadequate unemployment rations. Darn that Victor Newman anyway!"

After hearing Victor's remark about all those highly paid but useless Jabot employees, it will be interesting to see which employees might receive a pink slip in their payroll envelopes alongside their paychecks. Considering the caliber of seldom-working Jabot executives, it might well be easier to enumerate those who assuredly won't be losing their job. Namely, John and Ashley Abbott. And will Victor's review of Jabot's books reveal the fact that Sharon is not being paid with Jabot dollars?

So, Ashley wants to moan and groan about being a visitor in her daughter's life? Well forgive me for failing to shed a tear at her distress. Abby is where she is by Ashley's own choosing. As shown by her determination to add Victor to the Jabot messed up mix, whatever fragility she claimed at the time of the breakup has long sing hardened. And as we all know, despite all Brad's blowhard bravado, he is Abby's Daddy on paper only. Not a drop of Carlton blood courses through Abby's tiny veins. So if Ashley wanted to retake her daughter, I doubt any Genoa City court would deny her. But the truth is, it serves Ashley's selfish purposes not to have to be saddled with bothersome full time Mommy duties.

And I don't have a shred of sympathy for Brad either. He definitely needs to stuff a sock in that always complaining hole in the middle of his face. For all his ranting and raving, would he really prefer to lose his life's investment, as he so aptly described it, to bankruptcy? Talk about biting the Newman hand that's trying to put food on your table. If Brad is so unhappy, perhaps he ought to ask his new best boy, Jack, for a job. I'm sure Jack can find a cubbyhole at CI to stuff Brad into.

Malcolm is another who can't quite figure out exactly what he wants. It seemed he wanted Adrienne, at least he did until he realized who her ex was and how much he wanted her back. Seeming to acknowledge Damon's possible greater claim to Adrienne's affections because of their shared marital history, something I do commend him for, it was clear Malcolm had decided to take a respectful step back from Adrienne. And contrary to my earlier prediction, it could be that Damon and Malcolm might eventually become friends rather than foes fighting over the same woman. But Malcolm didn't sit around with a long, mournful face regretting what might have been. Instead he must have decided to disprove that old saying about familiarity breeding contempt and eased his disappointment by getting reacquainting with his own ex-wife's talents. I like Olivia, at least when she isn't in her holier than thou, butter doesn't melt in my mouth mode, but it would be nice to see her being chased for a change instead of always being the one in pitifully desperate pursuit of the nearest pair of pants. I'm embarrassed for her. Always arranging herself enticingly on silver platters for men who are rebounding from other women and are destined to leave her crying in her pillow.

Now as to what Malcolm doesn't want. After his life-illuminating time in Africa, he definitely scorns his old "superficial" life. You know, the one taking pretty pictures to pay for all life's luxuries. So the life he's leading now is different how exactly? Squint though I might, I just don't see a whole lot of meaning in serving countless cups of caffeine to wealthy kids and adults who don't have anything better to do than to hang out at a coffeehouse.

Lily really is a silly little hard-headed thing isn't she? Does she ever listen to anyone? Devon made some pretty good points. Since Malcolm seems determined to leave his old "superficial" life behind, it's a pretty good guess he no longer has any use or desire to party with any of his old superficial pals. The only thing wrong with Lily is a lack of attention. She's literally starved for it. How else to explain her obsession with all things Malcolm. But, I guess I shouldn't fault her. With a drama queen like Dru as an example, it's no wonder the poor lass is in a permanent state of confusion. Having said all that, however, I did kind of feel sorry for her when Malcolm practically banned her from his life. Seemed a rather pointless decision. And was going to accomplish what? The bottom line is Lily doesn't have a life. All Malcolm did was give her a reason to hang her head in sorrow.

After a few seconds of sympathy, surprise, Bobby's jealous baby bride hastened to make his tragedy all about her. Like a broken, not very enjoyable record, she parrots: "Don't you need me? Don't you love me? Why can't you talk to me? She alternately whined the phrase I'm your wife. You're my husband so many times, I tried to reach through the screen and smack her. Gee, Brittany, why would he want to talk to Nikki? The only person alive who just might have a few answers to at least some of the questions crowding his cranium? Well, just Duh. And she's so concerned about the state of her husband who's struggling to erase the fantasy that Josh will one day come home, instead of waiting upstairs five seconds away should he cry out in need of her, she decides to motor an hour away to cry on the semi-strong shoulders of J.T.. Give the woman a divorce.

Okay, Nikki. It's time to nestle that martyr hat back in its tissue paper lined hatbox and store it in the back of the closet until your next crisis. Say it with me: You were a kid. You were not responsible. She feels bad. We get that. We all feel bad. We felt bad when we realized the cute little black haired little boy in the birthday video wasn't going to wind up being anyone alive. We felt worse when we watched, over and over, you and him tugging the gun back and forth. We cried, or at least some of us did, when that damn gun went off. And the same ones of us probably cried all over again when we watched that birthday video with you, Bobby and Brittany. I can't speak for anyone else, but I want to stop crying now and move on to the next part of the story? I hope I won't have to wait too long.

Speaking of what might happen next, some hope there's a chance the tiny bones unearthed from the ground aren't really those of little Josh. But I'm not tossing my coat in that hope chest. I'm sure Bobby's big brother is no more. What I really want to know is what all this will mean to the unpalatable pairing of Bobby and Brittany.

I'll close with the Damon/Dominic debacle. How much longer can it possibly go on? On second thought, don't answer that. Because I had a front row, sofa seat at the Cameron Kirsten comedy. Glenn Richards has never been one to take an out when one was presented to him and this time doesn't look to be any different. Since he's determined to see this ill-conceived conspiracy charge to its bitter and assuredly ignominious end, I can only assume he's grown accustomed to the feel of egg on his face.

Well, I'm wrapping things up now, before something else goes wrong. Fans, you take it from here.

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First, we'll hear from Tara, whom I'm fondly beginning to think of as my co-columnist.

TARA - Most of my malcontent this week lies with the Newmans & Marsinos.

Bobby needs to stop blubberin' and move on. I understand this was a tragic event that occurred in his family, and it must really suck to know that his long-lost big brother is never gonna waltz into his life, but for cryin' outloud -- this has dragged on long enough, even for a soap opera! If I was him, I'd be a helluva lot more shocked to find out that the woman with whom I'M LIVING killed my family member. Did this thought ever cross his mind: "Wow! Talk about a small world! I move to Genoa City to open a strip club and who does my business partner turn out to be?! Of all people, my brothers murderer! Golly gee!"

So he spends all night boo-hooin' in his cognac and "forgets" his wife. The next morning he has a (very uncomfortable) conversation with Victor but "remembers" to rave about everything Nikki's done for him! Grow up Marsino. If your first priority ain't your wife after spendin' days apart, that should tell you somethin'. Lord, I hope they finally bury this sl along side Little Joshy.

And I'm sooooo tired of Nikki's "paralyzing concern" for Bobby. She has enough of her own family issues about which to be concerned. You know, like her daughter's missin', her son's a horse's @$$, and her daughter-in-law's a Jabot tramp! She's said her "I'm sorry"s to Bobby, now get on with life.

As for what everyone else needs: Victor needs to quit struttin' around like a peacock because he thinks he has all the answers; I need to get through a week without seein' Nikki cry; Ashley needs to be knocked down a peg or two, and I'm sure Gloria's just the one to do it; Jack needs to finally go to work for CI...no, I mean actually DO SOME WORK for CI; Phyllis needs to mind her own business where Dru's paternity test is concerned; Damon needs to eat more, he's lookin' a bit too thin; Michael needs to take off his clothes more often; Lauren needs a place of her own; Kevin needs a new sl, just not with Mac; Paul needs to quit stating the obvious; Christine needs to move back to Hong Kong; Lily & Devon need to go to school more often than they do; Malcolm needs a serious makeover and a new woman...he just doesn't look right with Adrienne OR Liv; Liv needs to stop actin' so desperate for a man's lovin'; Brad needs to quit bein' so obvious and come up with a better excuse to visit Sharon at her house; Sharon needs to put some clothes on; Nick needs to be flicked like a bug from the GC canvas for good -- no one would care; Victoria needs to come back and take over Newman like we all know she should; Kay needs a man; Jill needs a life; and someone (ANYONE) needs to tell John that the moustache is Abby's bio daddy! Did I miss anyone of importance? Oh yea, and Fuzzy needs to keep his funny nickname.

But, honey, Brittany needs to realize that J.T.'s the man for her. He is hot. Let me say that again. J.T. is hot. I have never wanted to be an Oklahoma Football t-shirt so bad! Mercy me. And she's a damn fool if she doesn't know J.T. has feelings for her. I love Colleen and all, but if you ask me, when Brittany spent the night at the loft, she was right where she shoulda been. Colleen needs to stick to her curly-haired, Elvin-from-The-Cosby-Show beau!

But this is Y&R. And it just wouldn't be exciting if everything went as planned.

ANNIE - Ahhhhh the joys of your column ... I no longer have to endure Y & R and their incessant stupid insipid storylines and characters. Interestingly other viewers feel the same way; new writers for Y & R are needed. Too bad I did enjoy watching it when the storylines were interesting and family oriented.

CANDY - I for one will be glad to see Gloria go. Something about her face really bothers me! Talk about plastic surgery (or Botox) gone wrong! She is downright scary looking! I remember what she looked like when she was younger and she definitely didn't look like that!

EMILY - Although I still love Y&R, I just really want to slap most of the characters - this week its mainly Ashley - I understand why John calls her his "beauty" and not his "brainy" - it takes a special kind of stupid to open your company books to the very man who founded your chief competitor and has tried more than once to either take control or completely drive your company under! The whole "Jabot is on the brink of disaster" plotline has been done to death and is so boring. However, I would like to apply for a job with either Jabot or Newman, because judging from Nikki, Dru, or Sharon, apparently the only experience you need to land a great executive position with either of those cosmetic companies is that you WEAR cosmetics, and since I've got about 25 years of experience, I think I could easily make Vice President!

LINDA - If Lily's giggly, simpleton flirtatious manner towards her Uncle is any indication of her behavior with prior beaus it's no wonder she feels she's a lightning rod for bad luck. She behaves like she hasn't a mature thought in her head (and they say blondes are dumb). She is hardly behaving like a young person would towards an uncle, that is unless she wants to try out incest for a change.

LINDA C - Much as I dislike Ashley, my favorite line of the week had to be when she told Gloria, "if the shovel fits." That was Ashley's shining moment and then she turns around and goes back to whining Ashley chasing after Victor. Oh well, it was good while it lasted. And I am expecting the new Victoria to be a let down. I'm sure I am not alone when I so hoped it would be Heather Tom.

MARIE-CLAIRE - I love Y&R and more especially Tracey, alias Lauren Fenmore. Her romance is the better romance Y&R made. Things went slowly between them and it's like that we make the better romances. I've read an interview of Smith and Alden and I was really happy to see they love too this romance. They said there is something of special between Lauren and Michael and it's true. I think too they should bring back Scotty in the picture. Even if Scotty is on boarding school since several years, I'm sure he is very close to his mom.

WANDA - Nita, do you honestly remember things that happened when you were 5 years old?? What is this bull with Nikki remembering it like it was yesterday? She has to be at least 50. Bobby didn't even remember what Joshua looked like and he is only a couple of years younger. This story is getting so ridiculous. The only thing I can see the writers getting out of it is a conflict between Brittany and Nikki. She has been so hateful to Nikki. Why doesn't she just tell her to go stay at "loft" permanently?

MECQ - Please do something with Ashley. She is an idiot. How can she blame Victor for leading her on. I hope Victor takes the company and the child. He needs to eliminate them all from the canvas. He then needs to go and put his foot knee deep in his backstabbing son's rear end, remove him from that position, then give it all to Victoria when she returns.