I do...or do I?

Brides and their sentimental guests often shed tears of joy during a wedding, but for the Hodges-Marsino nuptials, most of the weeping will probably take place long before the big day.

I know brides and their sentimental guests often shed tears of joy during a wedding, but for the Hodges-Marsino nuptials, most of the weeping will probably take place long before the big day. The thought of their Brittany wedding the beefy bar owner has already caused the protesting parents to weep their way through an entire box of monogrammed hankies. And though she took it like a trooper, I'm sure Brittany wanted to weep when she learned the Church elders' stamp of disapproval meant she'd have to revise her vision of Bride Beautiful, which had her floating ecstatically down a petal strewn church aisle toward the brawny arms of her beau. While the elders have decreed persons of questionable character cannot be legally wed, at least not in their Church, lucky for Brittany, their jurisdiction stops at the Church door. Rev. Palmer can still proudly perform his duties, as long as he does it on less hallowed land.

Determined to be the man who always makes Britt's impossible dreams come true, Bobby was prepared to beg on both bended knees to secure a suitable place worthy of his petulant princess. But, in the end, neither begging nor an exorbitant down payment was necessary. All it took was a simple heartfelt plea to convince Katherine Chancellor to grant him the use of her palatial premises. Not that Bobby's earnest efforts immediately put a smile on Her Highness' sour face. Instead, she whined and complained until I was ready to slap her into silence. But just before my patience petered out, the spoiled sourpuss finally patted her mutt, I mean man, on the head and grudgingly agreed her groom had done great.

Thankfully, the wedding day of the mismatch of the millennium is nearly here. Because I can't take much more. It was bad enough watching J.T. jump through pre-wedding hoops, helping Brit pick out flowers, patterns and honeymoon panties. But asking him to help write her vows was taking things a bit too far. Why did she need so much help anyway? Correct me if I'm wrong, but it's not as if she has a life, you know, with a job she has to go to or anything. She doesn't seem to have one friend she can call her own so her schedule can't be overbooked with breakfast, lunch and dinner dates. So, since she has nothing but time on her hands, why can't she take care of all the things on her to do list?

The bottom line is I'm weary of Brittany and her constant caterwauling over her pointless problems. November 1 can't come fast enough for me because at this point I'm all for her hurrying up and tying the knot if it will move her from front and center to back burner status. It seems as if that ungrateful face and whining, irritating voice has been tormenting me forever. From I wanna sing, but will strip instead, to months of moans, groans and self-pity parties because of her pepperoni pizza slice scar and finally to her current stage of I want to marry a man my Daddy's age. If the scribes are determined to force this mismatched couple down our throats, wasting a perfectly good man on an ungrateful half-grown girl in the process, just give me a sack of birdseed so I can fling it at their retreating backs and send them on their honeymoon. Not because I care about them but because I'll do anything not to see or hear her for awhile.

I did enjoy the touching scene between father and daughter though. And even though the parents are completely against the marriage, in spite of what they say, I'm guessing when the guests are assembled; they will be mingling among them, although the smiles pasted on their faces will undoubtedly be a bit strained. My teeth gritted against the pain, I confess I will be there too, if only in hopes of witnessing a last minute cancellation. Like many fans, Mac can't see or smell any heat between Bobby and Brit, although she easily detected the loving bond linking J.T. to Brittany. I doubt it will take her long to force J.T. to open his eyes and look at it too; something I hope will lead to the end of the painful pair up of Bobby and Brit. As far as I'm concerned, it ain't over till the Minister proudly prattles, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Well, Brittany isn't the only blonde in town with nothing much to do. Her short fascination with stripping apparently and thankfully over, Sharon has now trained her bored blue orbs on a niche at Newman. By the way, was I the only fan who felt as if I'd inadvertently stumbled into the middle of a mutual admiration ceremony, with Sharon as the guest of honor? Stomach churning queasily, I was forced to listen (or resort to my trusty FF button), as first Sharon, then Nick eagerly enumerated every last one of Sharon's so-called virtues. According to the young Newman's, because she is so beautiful, her skin so flawless and her body so perfect all men and women should kneel and pay homage to it, not to mention her brain is like a sponge that can soak up any fact, figure or idea put before it, Sharon should not have to begin at the bottom rung of the corporate ladder. No, the only place for a woman with Sharon's quantity of brains and quality of body belongs on the executive floor of Newman. And to prove it, she donned a too-small business suit, scooped her hair into an untidy updo and pronounced herself ready for the business world.

And Nick, himself with a brain few of us would be proud to call our own, after agreeing wholeheartedly with every senseless sentence his wife uttered, waved his magic nepotism wand and said "let it be so." Unfortunately, his magic mumbo jumbo didn't work on Neil, who with barely a second to consider the idiotic idea, hurriedly stamped a big red veto on the whole deal. But Sharon is a Newman and Newman's rarely take no as an answer to any of their demands. So when Nick refused to leap over Neil's head to plead hat in hand before the real King of the Company, Sharon decided to do it herself. And I confess Victor refusing to overrule Neil just so Sharon could have a new toy to play with was the highlight of my day. Victor didn't say this, but I'll be happy to: perhaps if Sharon relied less on Miguel to parent her progeny, she might find herself with less time to be bored and restless. It will be interesting to see which direction Sharon looks in next to find a way to fill her empty days.

To cut down on gas and save hours of traveling time, perhaps the Carlton's and Newman's should consider merging into a single tribe. As the foursome continued their round robin house calls, I found myself wondering if perhaps there was a schedule posted on the internet, indicating who would be home and when. How else to explain how each visitor somehow knew instinctively when the unwanted spouse would be away from home. Apparently unable to get Victor's words out of her lame brain, like a shark circling in blood and gore infested water, Ashley made a second ranch visit in the same day hoping to hear again how much Victor treasured the result of their mingled DNA. Victor obligingly repeated himself knowing that when it comes to winning Abby back, Ashley is the ace up his sweater sleeve who has vowed to do whatever it takes, likely up to and including abandoning her spite filled spouse or laying down her worthless life, to make sure his wish to play doting daddy is granted.

That second replay was vomit inducing enough, but when that same film loop showing Victor declaring his affection hit the screen a third time, this time by way of Ashley's dreamy besotted mind, it was finally more than even my strong stomach could stand and I finally had to hit the FF button. Ashley and Victor's great love affair bored me to tears back then and time and distance has not changed that. Funny that Ashley can go back two decades cherishing the baby she aborted, yet never mentions a word about the Carlton baby her Victor-addicted negligence snuffed out mere days away from birth.

Poor Brad, what's a deluded daddy to do? What rabbit does Jack think Brad can possibly pull from his magic top hat that would make Ashley pay attention to what she's got instead of looking longingly at what she once had? Unfortunately, I think Jack's advice is too little, too late. Brad might as well face the fact that the only way he can make this creature happy would be by placing a gift wrapped Victor under her Christmas tree. I can't help but feel a little sorry for Brad because other than his misstep outside the marital lines with Liv, he's done everything possible in his attempt to be the only man smiling seductively in his wife's daydreams. Ashley, on the other hand might not have literally committed adultery, but mentally she's cheated on Brad through the entire marriage. Guess that'll teach him to use marriage to ensure his place in the Abbott family.

Although Brad already had enough domestic discord dominating his days, he still had time to concern himself with why Nikki was repeatedly failing to report for thumb twiddling duty at her Jabot desk. Given the sporadic attendance of each and every one of Jabot's allegedly key employees, I'm not quite sure why Nikki's absence would ring any alarm bells. Why does she stand out from all the other Jabot execs that put their endless personal problems before their work? It's been so long since either of Jabot's chemists stepped foot in the lab, all those chemical concoctions supposedly needing Damon's tweaking must have surely turned to vinegar by now. And John, whose sole duty for months had been to announce his imminent attendance at an occasional meeting, has dropped even that pretense. These days the only part of him that's been busy ... well, the rest of that is better left unsaid.

Of course once he'd succeeded in dragging from Nikki the reason for her preoccupied distress Brad probably regretted poking his nose where it did not belong. For he learned she had also been poking around in unusual places - right into his shrouded in secrecy past. As it turned out, much to my surprise Nikki wasn't the great detective I thought her to be, and perhaps should have left PI-ing to Paul after all. Because after hearing the whole sad accidental shooting story, Brad claimed to be no relation to anything Casein. Whatever Brad is hiding, unless he's an extremely talented actor, it doesn't seem to be a devastated by his brother's disappearance past.

Even though Nikki's been fretting for weeks over finding the missing brother, implying peace and contentment would never be hers until she'd done so, Brad's denial was finally enough to snap her out of her funk and just like that, she suddenly decided to end her quest for missing boy Casein and move on with her life. But I doubt this is the end of the story. I suspect there will be more to come.

The first step of Nikki's journey to her new life lead directly to the Rec Center where at last those who have pined for such things, were fed a tidbit of hope that Romeo and Juliet Newman just might be able to knit up the frayed threads of their abandoned romance and give us something to root for again. The reconnect between Victor and Nikki is probably happening not a moment too soon, because it seems clear Ashley is ready to pull the plug on her pretend pairing with Brad. From my seat on the couch, the Carlton marriage, a marriage that in my biased opinion never had a chance, appears all but over. And along with it, Brad's role as Abby's daddy. Because despite the mealy mouthed garbage that has always spewed from Ashley's twisted, snarling mouth, none of this has ever been about Abby. In my opinion, it probably won't be long before that anonymous deep voice intones: "the role of Daddy #1 is now being played by Victor Newman. So where will Ashley go once this marriage (is this number 5?) officially crashes nose first into the concrete? Perhaps back home to Daddy where she can be a wet and wooly blanket of disapproval on him and Gloria's love fest.

By the way, what was the purpose of that little bar room chat between Bobby and Ashley? Why would Bobby leave his bar where the drinks are free, just to go to another bar to pay for one? Watching him drop valuable Victor/Nikki information down Ashley's eager, greedy gullet was one of the most nauseating things I've seen in a long time and would have made me lose my dinner had I eaten any.

Between fretting over his deteriorated relationship with Abby and raking over the dead, cold ashes of his long ago love affair with Ashley, how nice that Victor can still find time to concern himself with others unrelated to him. It was a nice moment of gruff bonding between Devon and his guardian as Victor wondered about the male half of Devon's parentage. Devon doesn't seem to know much, or if he does, he's not telling, so Victor has decided a little detective work is in order to see if he might dig deep enough to hit pay daddy dirt. Oddly enough he didn't call on Paul, but seemed to leave it to Dru to pick up the scent and chase after it. Looks like it's shaping up to be another Winters' family project. With Malcolm's return just beyond the horizon, the search for Devon's Daddy seems to come at a coincidental time. Could a young Malcolm have unknowingly planted a son seed while busily sowing his wild oats? There are so many rumors swirling excitedly about Malcolm's return, purported to be this very week, I have no idea which one to believe. Unless he comes back an amnesiac, or a man who's near death experience caused him to drop all grudges and resentments, I look for there to be much stress and strain between the Winters' brothers. Payback can be mean and ugly and could come down to a confession of a certain cold-remedy filled amorous night of love with his brother's wife.

When it comes to objectionable storylines, I can't decide which is worse, being saddled for literally years with the sick story of Ashley stalking Victor or watching a once somewhat promising scenario suddenly careen into craziness mid-story, finishing with a rushed and sloppy wrap up with plot holes big enough to drive a truck through.

The Damon-Dominic dynamic seems to fall into that disappointing category. I could swallow the scenario that Dominic had no burning urge for revenge, that he now wants to be a role model, walking to and fro about the earth preaching the dangers of gangs and guns. And I could even choke down the belief that all he wanted was a chance to beg Damon's forgiveness. Even though that rather sinister smile at the end of his visit with Phyllis definitely made me wonder if remorse was the only thing on his mind.

But then the scribes went and took things way into the realm of improbability. For weeks now, we've heard ad nauseum about this parole hearing. In fact Damon was allegedly busily clearing his schedule in order to attend and speak his piece for Elias. And yes, like you, I wondered how it could possibly take so many days to clear an already empty schedule. But suddenly, a day or two at most after Phyllis' return, Dominic is now not only out, but already settled in a Genoa City motel. First of all, I don't care what state you live in, the period between being granted parole and stepping out onto free soil is not instantaneous. Try more like 30 days. At least. Second, no way would Dominic be allowed to leave town, least of all head directly to the very city his victim's survivor is known to reside in. And third, since when is there a directory to obtain cell phone numbers? I suppose we're to assume Dominic got Phyllis' from the same prison source who supplied Damon's current address. I expect the coming week to bring a confrontation between Phyllis and Damon with Phyllis caught squarely in the middle. Wake me when the red sword is unsheathed.

So who else can already see the crayon message scrawled illegibly on the wall? Since people in GC can rarely handle their own family responsibilities at the same time they're meddling busy bodily in someone else's problems, there's no reason to believe Phyllis will be able to deal with Daniel while directing the doings in Damon's life. So I guess that means Daniel will soon be on his way back to Christine's. After all, once Phyllis has fixed every broken thing in Damon's dreary life, she'll have to have something to angst about. What better than her recycled rage with Christine? If nothing else, it will give her a reason to go seeking support from Jack or Malcolm's strong shoulders.

And finally, it seems Kevin meant what he said when he disdainfully claimed he wanted nothing more from the brother who stole the woman he never actually had. And that included his brother's rules and his roof. But like so many in Genoa City, that didn't mean he planned to start paying his own way in life. No, he simply used the Abbott pool house to provide a roof over his despondent head. Obviously, Kevin is not going to let bygones be bygones. Lauren and Michael should enjoy their sunny little romance while they can. Because I'm sure it won't be long before dark and menacing storm clouds are dumping icy rain all over their happy little love parade. Too bad, too, because I'd really hoped to see Kevin redeemed. But it appears he is determined to not only never learn from any of his old mistakes, but to constantly leap without looking into brand new ones.

As always the fans had plenty to say about plenty of subjects. If only I could print them all verbatim. But here's a sampling of what they had to say.

* * * * * * *

Pat - "For heavens sake, let's get over the Ashley, Abbey, Victor saga.....tired, tired, tired. And please let Kevin get his just dues for all the havoc he's created before pairing him with anyone.Y & R does a grand job in most cases, but for some reason they are letting Kevin alone. I'm sure they do not want to lose his character, which is great, but they should have thought of that before they wrote him into such a corner ... now to get him out, they seem to be dragging their feet with prosecuting him and letting him run free. This is giving our young viewers the wrong idea."

Dianne - "About the Ashley baster-baby thing, wouldn't it be nice to discover that Victor wasn't Abby's bio-daddy after all? If Ashley is determined to get Victor back into Abby's life and tries to strip Brad's rights as the adoptive father -- I could see Brad taking it to court and the next big mystery for Paul to solve would be who is Abby's real daddy? What a slap in the face it would be for Ashley when the tests show that Victor isn't the daddy and someone else is. Will she slip into another of her mental breakdowns?"

Melissa - "You're so right about her [Ashley]. I've been watching this show since its inception and this chick is definitely a few chips short of a cookie when it comes to the Dark Knight. As Snoopy says in Peanuts "When, when, when will I ever learn?!!"

Tara - "J.T. & Britt definitely have chemistry. But I'm waiting for Colleen to come back for her "farewell." I read somewhere -- a long time ago -- that she would be making an appearance towards the end of the year for a few shows. I happen to enjoy J.T. & Brittany together! I think they could be the hot new Y&R couple! And Victor/Ashley -- We can alllllllllllll see where this is heading. She's visiting The Newman Ranch 15 times a day, batting her eyelashes at him, smiling at him with that sad frog mouth of hers, hugging him, professing feelings for one another......(sigh)........enough already!"

Kathy - "Ok, I would like a poll done on the number of husbands that stand around spewing "compliments" to their wives like Nick does to Sharon. I once again HAD to change the channel for fear of puking up my lunch when Sharon and Nick had hat LAME conversation about showing off, comparing it to athletes and the like!!?? Since when are strippers and athletes in the same category? Talk about an insult to athletes huh?"

Mary - "I am not that crazy about the SL of Damon's demons. I guess I liked him better when he was into herbs and meditation and a play boy. He depresses me now. He is bent on revenge and I guess no one can blame him; however, he did not seem that depressed before. Also I do not particularly like the Nikki SL about her childhood and supposedly killing that little boy. It seems that her marriage and her wanting to be at the strip club should be enough of a SL. These ghosts from the past just are not that interesting to me."