Whitewash in progress

Oh, what a difference a marriage and impending motherhood has made. Suddenly all is just so right with Chloe's warped, yet wonderful world.

Who is that wee woman? You know who I mean. The one with the burgeoning belly who, these days, speaks in such dulcet tones, one would think butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. Oh, what a difference a marriage and impending motherhood has made. Suddenly all is just so right with Chloe's warped, yet wonderful world. She's made off with Lily's former man and is carrying on a light flirtation with her present prospect, right under the blind eyes and can't smell a rotten rat noses of Lily and Cane. Why, I can't remember the last time I heard a snide or snarky comment come forth from those lips. Even Mommy dearest is now being addressed with sweetly coated words of caring. You would think I would enjoy donning my darkest shades, the better to view this brilliantly whitewashed version of Chloe. Well, you would be wrong. I continue to detest her, even more than before, if that is even possible. Clueless Cane, his chest puffed up with father-to-be pride, has become indescribably annoying, bowing, scraping and leaping about like a frenzied fairy waving his magic wand and begging to grant her every wish. As for Billy, my palm is itching to deliver a stinging slap to his simpering face to blacken his other eye and perhaps knock some sense into his noggin. Because he has become nearly as bad as his baby-besotted brother, rubbing Chloe's belly and taking every opportunity to tease and tempt her. Chloe can almost get a deep summer's tan basking in the heat of the brothers' attention. No, I wouldn't prefer that she go back to treating Esther like a sticky piece of gum she stepped in and can't scrape from her shoe. Or that she return to her cutting comments. But I do hope there is a rude and very painful awakening in Chloe's future, and I don't just mean the one she's due to receive when her matchmaking efforts blow up in her smug, self-satisfied face.

Unfortunately, thanks to that wee one she's carrying, I'm not at all certain she'll ever really reap the rotten harvest from all the bad seeds she's sown. Sure, Cane would likely kick her calculating carcass to the concrete curb if he learns he's Uncle, not Daddy. But that doesn't mean she'd end up alone. She'd probably just get to leave the game, her grimy paws holding tight to the Billy man prize she wanted in the first place.

Of course, Chloe isn't the only minx to be rewarded for her bad behavior. Her scheming sister under the skin, Phyllis, has also posted another win in her column. It was a satisfying moment for this fan to hear Brad spit out all her dirty, manipulating secrets in her husband's shocked face. Having heard the rumors, I had a ringside seat as Nick returned to town, filled to the brim with indignation and accusations, dismayed to know the woman he loved would stoop so low. But, of course, it didn't last. Nick has never been anywhere near Phyllis' equal, and this time was no exception. Old Red turned on the crocodile tears, her mouth all atremble, swearing the dirt she did was solely to keep her married man cemented solidly to her side. And when Nick tried to cling to his affronted outrage, she blasted him yet again with the kiss, the kiss, the stupid Paris kiss until he began to look like he was the one called on the carpet instead of her. Once Nick had been properly chastised and put back into his subservient place, Phyllis patted her boy on the head, gave him a fake smile and sent him home to Summer. Then, oh how quickly her face hardened, her tear trickles evaporating without so much as a swipe from a wadded Puff, while she phoned up Brad to deliver dire promises of his coming repayment at her hands for his treachery.

So, feeling the way I do, I guess you don't have to wonder whether I was cheering, pom poms pumping in a blindingly fast rhythm when Jack told Phyllis the Menace exactly what he thought of her and why. In fact, their confrontation was one of the week's highlights. Few in this town can do hurt and heartbroken better than Jack (although Kevin is right up there with him) and he had me convinced he was on the verge of breaking into a torrent of tears at what Phyllis had purposely done to him. Despite all the somewhat dastardly deeds Phyllis has pulled on him in the past, Jack obviously still believed he still could call her friend. Not that Phyllis just stood there speechless while Jack ranted and raved. Completely unapologetic, as always, nothing Phyllis does is ever her fault. Someone else has always made her do it. In the book of the world according to Phyllis, if Sharon hadn't shared a kiss with her husband, she wouldn't have had to set the wheels in motion to send her marriage careening into a brick wall. If Jack had heeded her warning and hogtied his woman so she couldn't get loose to lean on Nick, Phyllis wouldn't have had to turn to Brad. Of course, I remember that warning and the so-called time and chance she gave Jack to heed it. Exactly the amount of time it took for her to drive directly to Brad's and enlist his aid. Phyllis had the nerve to say she had changed. Bull. That woman will never change. She's just getting started. My fingers are crossed that her reign of terror and deceit will end sooner rather than too much later. And when (if) it does, I will be easily recognizable. Because I will be the one on the sidelines, pom poms at the ready.

The Katherine gets a clue storyline is driving me mad. Frequently on my feet, I'm screaming at the screen as if I'm as crazy as certain Genoa Citians, wanting to see now how this one is going to play out. I can't wait to watch and re-watch Jill and Nikki choking on all those hard, uncharitable words they hurled at poor Katherine. But now that Clint has entered the picture, my spirits have plummeted. Please, please, please don't tell me the scribes will have him have a hand in kidnapping Kay yet again to keep her from coming forward and reclaiming her Chancellor fortune.

Speaking of a man with a hand in something smelly, that Roger is some unpalatable piece of work isn't he? And how desperate is Esther that she's actually interested in the man whose entire demeanor positively screeches con man? Cane, proving yet again he's the dullest blade in the cutlery drawer, just sits there, his usual smirk of senselessness stretching across his clueless countenance as they invite an obvious viper into their midst. Roger spends practically the entire blind date reading and answering text messages, even disappears to meet his texting cohort, and these three dolts see nothing strange in his behavior. Then he pops back into the picture, and immediately invites himself back to Esther's for what we know will be much more than just a simple nightcap. And, I know it's been centuries since she felt a man's insincere embrace, but that's no excuse. Esther is as easy as her deceitful daughter. Sadly, it seems she will never, ever learn from her colossal man mistakes. Who will have to die this time because Esther can't bear to let some man she doesn't know keep it in his .... well you know. Get that woman to a nunnery, buy her a chastity belt or send her back to school to learn how to just say no!

Over at Indigo, Daddy and foster daughter are practicing for a dance. But the minute Karen turns her back, Daddy starts frolicking around the floor with foster daughter's pretend mommy. What is wrong with that man? He's been told enough times that Tyra has a crush on him, yet continually comes up with a way to get his paws on her. Instead of worrying him about adopting Ana, Karen needs to sit him down and give him a good talking to. Maybe Karen ought to go over to RSM and get a few tips from Phyllis on how to keep poachers and predators off your marital land.

And while I'm on the subject of predators, it seems the one who preys on selected members of the Baldwin clan hasn't gone anywhere. I should have known it wasn't going to be that easy to be rid of River. What further damage he can do, however, remains to be seen. He's already shown his true colors; it's not likely he can wrangle either sympathy or cash from Eden or Michael. Unless his goal is to drive Michael mad.

Remember when Abby Carlton used to be a sweet young thing? Well, forget all that; she's edging up on sweet sixteen, but she's more snob than sweet. Sort of like Brittany used to be. After one brief meeting, Abby obviously doesn't share Noah's enchantment with Eden and it appears the feeling is entirely mutual. While Abby is clearly a spoiled princess, I am looking forward to the havoc I hope she wreaks in Victor's life. After the way Victor has treated his other non-Nikki child, I can't help but hope her antics wipes that proud paternal grin right off Victor's face.

It's been a great January so far. In truth, I'm enjoying all of the storylines. Okay, okay, I admit if I could change anything, it would be to tweak the Winters' tale somehow. I actually like the Winters faction, but it's really tough to care about their issues. For whatever reason, it's just not tugging on my heart strings in the least. Maybe because it seems to be rushing along. They've been married all of a week and already Karen's pushing hard for adopting Ana. It seems like such an about face when she was so adamant about not playing Mommy to Lily's little expected bundle of joy. Anyway, if this is what January has had to offer, I'm liable to find myself in soap opera heaven come February sweeps time.

I guess that's about all I'm going to say this week. Fans, you're up.

JM - Two words for the Katherine/Marge problem: DNA Test.

Nicola - I am really tired of this bringing Nick and Sharon back together. Start something new for a change instead of putting the same people back together. I think Phyllis fits right in with the Newmans, unlike Sharon all around town taking everyone's man away. There isn't anything good about her. Surprise us with something different for 2009. No more Old School.

Vivien - I have to point out that while Victor, once again, embraces his loving family, the same ones who have stabbed him in the back and dismembered his persona to anyone who will listen, he also has another child: Adam. Nick turned Victor into the feds; Victoria broke his heart by not accepting his marriage to Sabrina and then tried to lock him away in a mental institution; and Ashley stole his sperm! It's time for Victor to remember his other long abandoned son and start over again!

Debora - I think Sharon is a classic slut because she is always after men who are in a relationship, first Brad, then Victor and now Nick. She is always using Noah to get attention from Nick and will do the same thing Phyllis did. I love the Chancellor stories. I don't think Katherine is Jill's mother. I think Marge was Katherine's twin sister and they don't know about it because they have the same medical history. I think Marge is Jill's mother. I know Chloe is in love with Billy and they will be together. I know Cane and Lily are going to be together too. I want Jack to be arrested because he was implicated with Adam. I want Ashley and Victor to get married. Paul and Nikki should stay together. Sharon and Jack are perfect for each other because Jack is a convict and Sharon is a slut. I love Y&R.

Kala - I don't like Daniel much. He is a decent actor, but his hair and clothing style irritates me, especially during the photo shoot - awful. I am so happy Ashley is back and with Victor. Their reunion is long overdue and I have always thought he loved her more than Nikki. Ashley was always the loyal and sweet one while Nikki cheated on Victor with Jack in the 80's, Brad in the 90's, and David in the 2000's. Victor and Nikki should just call it quits forever. Yes, Ashley stole Victor's sperm but we only found out what really happened when she was dying of cancer in the video. She never intended anyone to know the truth. As she told Olivia, she was really wishing for a child and always regretted the terrible decision she made to abort Victor's child. The only reason she had the abortion was so Victor could be with Nikki and not feel obligated to be with her. I hope Ashley and Victor wed soon and have a long life as a couple.

Cheryl - Go Katherine! I loved the way she "fired" back at Joe, without even a hint of hesitation, and told him why there was no way he could fire her. Katherine's opportunity to gain a whole new perspective on life has been fantastic to watch. I can't wait to see how she will use this perception of life, once she returns to GC with Amber and Murphy by her side. Amber truly grieved for Katherine, instead of just bathing in the cash. Phyllis, among others, has been so cruel to Amber, treating her like a second class citizen. Though it has taken me a long time to get over Kevin trying to kill Colleen, seeing him wrestle with his conscience over the money was well worth watching. Gloria, on the other hand, even behind bars can't stop scheming, and I see absolutely no remorse; only excuses. Paul should tell Nikki that he is going to find the truth about Katherine. It's not like him to be so easily manipulated, and their romance, for me, isn't there - no chemistry. I think Katherine will come back, keep the money in the pockets of those who truly cared for her, and set the rest of the clan straight. I can't wait.

Julie - If I hear "Aunna" say Miss Karen one more time, I will need a new TV, as I will throw something at it! Who calls people that anymore? Makes it sound like she is back in the slavery days! Makes the whole storyline even hokier than it already is. They play her to be naive one minute and supposedly so grown up the next. For all of those fans who think Sharon is bad, she is the one who is being an adult in most of the situations with Nick. I just love it when she allows Phyllis's imagination to run wild without having to scream and yell. So many times, more is less, and in Sharon's case with Phyllis lately, that's how it is. Sharon doesn't have to say much to get Phyllis's blood boiling! I just love it! Seeing Phyllis get back what she gives is great! Jack has been my favorite character since Terry Lester. But I gotta tell you, they are writing him into a hole that will make it awfully hard to redeem himself. They are making a mockery out of the character. Ok, I feel better! Thanks for giving us the venue to vent!

And giggle of the week goes to:

Poppycock - Hold the press, I think Y&R is actually on to something! Every character is in riveting sl's, except for the Winter's family, and moving full steam ahead and it's been pure joy to abuse my dvr over and over again for my favorite scenes! Watching GC's version of Mt. Krakatoa exploding with the Phyllis/Jack screaming match had me jumping on my couch like Tom Cruise on Oprah! As Jack so eloquently put it to Phyllis, "I thought your days of 'trolling the gutters' was over" could not have been more spot on! I had such high expectations for Nick really giving it to Phyllis when Brad decided to break from being the stooge and let Sharon & Nick in on 'the plan' but what a let down! Nick folded like a cheap, Walmart lawn chair when the faux tears appeared but Phyllis did not disappoint, especially at the end, with her threats to Brad for squealing like a pig for exposing her. How much longer are we gonna be subjected to Phyllis' hysteria and Nick's goofy, confused face before this marriage finally takes its final breath? I am also loving every minute of the Marge/Katherine budding romance with Murphy - how adorable are they? MAB, keep it up, Y&R is back and better than ever!

As always, fans, I appreciate your insightful input. See ya in a week!