Hanging by a fingernail

How long before those who Plum robbed trace his trail to Genoa City?

And it's fake, so the glue sticking it to my real one is not going to last forever. Of course, if I have to abide Amber's antics very much longer, nails, real or otherwise, won't matter, because I'll undoubtedly gnaw my hand off at the wrist to force my fingers to let go of this craziness. So, having said all that, I guess it hardly needs to be noted that I am in full and complete agreement with each and every witty and derogatory word written about Amber by nearly every one of my guest fan columnists below. Thank you all. I couldn't have described the situation better myself, so you all saved me a heap of heavy thinking trying to do so. What I will say is that while I know the whole hide the body routine was probably supposed to be a flagrant rip-off of Weekend at Bernie's, and was likely not meant to be taken at all seriously, despite the fact that a man was dead, color me a missus minus a sense of humor, because other than by an occasional comment credited to Kevin, I wasn't much amused. My guess is that the adage about there being not much honor among thieves is presumably going to be proven as first one, then probably the other two revisit the monetary burial mound to dig up the dollars they need for their individual desires. By the way, how long before those who Plum robbed trace his trail to Genoa City? And one last thought. If the Chancellor gardener doesn't immediately notice the fresh "grave" dug in the pristine perfection of the meticulously landscaped lawn, he should be immediately dismissed.

When I wasn't watching Miss Moe lead Stooges Larry and Curly around with a leash made from a hank of her implausibly platinum mane, my stomach was somersaulting unpleasantly at the sight of her scantily clad sylph like form frolicking freely with her hubby as they marked their spot in various rooms of the Chancellor Bordello, playing dress up and other games. I can only pray Esther is a stickler for cleanliness and has a couple of cans of Lysol Disinfectant ready to report for duty. I know sex is supposed to sell, but when I tuned in to watch a week of GC doings, I wasn't aware I was about to be taken on a spending spree. And I must confess, that though Cane is a decent package of eye candy I haven't minded viewing vicariously before, seeing him repeatedly parade past my front row seat from one room sexcapade to the next, sporting what appeared to be the very same pair of black knickers, sent me stumbling off on a few thought paths about soap and water I probably could have gone to my grave without wandering down. With her long and daily litany of lie after lie, all she makes Cane look is stupid.

I had so much more fun watching Sharon and Phyllis get along like gangbangers. Yes, I know the word is gangbusters, but I'm trying to be witty here, so let me. Anyway, I really like that these two are no longer at each other's throats and are united in the cause of getting Jack elected. Of course, I would probably cheer on Lucifer himself if he was the one trying to pull Nikki's nose out of the clouds so she'd be forced to breathe the same germ-filled air as the rest of us mortals who have to get from point A to point B by walking or driving instead of always being carried majestically around on a pedestal. Obviously Nikki wholeheartedly believes that when it comes to her and anything she does, there's never, ever the slightest need for a brief blast of can-compressed air freshener when she leaves the ladies room. It was the highlight of my week to watch Victor watch his wife play internet tongue tag with Eddie Haskell, I mean, David Chow. But for those who were around or just grew up watching Beaver re-runs, doesn't Chow sometimes have that same smarmy, ingratiating manner as Wally's friend, Eddie. I'm practically on pins and needles at the thought of how Victor will repay that mangy minion for his impertinence.

Speaking of Miss Nose in the Air, I know I wasn't the only fan pumping my pom poms in the air when Brad was telling her all about herself. It seems it's okay for Nikki to knock her daughter down and tromp all over her tattered pride, but she has the nerve to form her prissy mouth around words that condemn Brad for doing the same, but not nearly so bad. Just as it's okay for her to publicly lug every body she needs to through the mud for the sake of her campaign, but when Jack forces her foot into the same uncomfortable shoe, she has the nerve to complain how despicable he's being for squeezing her bunions.

So it looks like Nick will soon be home; and the new show promos prove the long ago rumors about his amnesia were all apparently true. But I doubt Phyllis-Nick fans need worry that this might mean the end of their turbulent tale. First, his memory loss isn't likely to be permanent and even if it was, it isn't as if Sharon is unmarried and free to play house with him. Fans of his life with his second wife could even get a bonus. Like his long romantic fall back in love with the redhead, this time without the slight stench of infidelity to permeate their future. Okay, so Logan the leggy, forest nightingale might be that bothersome bee in the bonnet, that fallen fly floating in the soup, that ant stuck fast in the strawberry jelly. Yes, I made the ant one up. I guess it's the silly mood I'm in.

Then there's the other fans, the one who have been longing since the breakup for a sweet, romantic make-up between Sharon and Nick. This new twist lets them get their hopes up again, though they may be destined to be dashed to the dirt. At this point, I don't know what I want. I have always favored a Jack-Phyllis reunion, with Summer as Jack's. Those two have often been quite wonderful and touching together, both when fighting and not. And I didn't mind Sharon and Nick together when they weren't cheating or fighting. Everyone has moved on now, though, and I can stand Phyllis and Nick together, though it's still hard to picture them very far into the future. Jack and Sharon are okay together, but come on, does any fan really see sparks between them? They don't treat each other quite as brother and sister, but it's not far from that. They don't even have real kisses, just pecks at one another's lips and cheeks. And all those I did this or that with your daddy remarks to Noah don't help me see these two in a romantic light. Since Nick and Sharon are only about two fingers apart in age, it just points up the fact that Jack is old enough to play Pa with her as well. Sharon and Brad? Maybe, but the thought of them doesn't have me wanting to do cartwheels across my living room in support. I guess I'll have to wait with everybody else to see which pair generates the most sparks now that Nick has gone and come back. Because I've noticed in this town an absence, even a relatively short one, can sometimes changes everything, including chemistry.

Speaking of chemistry, many, many fans thought there was plenty between Colleen and Adrian. Alas, now that the Colleen character is to receive its third facelift, all that could be history. I've seen the face of the new Colleen. Very young looking, very blond and pouty, and most of all, very, very thin. Yes, I said it. And why not? We've all heard the rumors and read the message boards. The speculation as to the possible reason for Ms. Leon being let go. Sometimes reality bites. And the reality is, when it comes to the big and little screen, bigger is almost never better in their eyes. Unless its played by some thin person inside a big fat suit. But enough about that. Unfortunately, soap life goes on, stepping right over the casualties. It will be interesting to see if new a third time Colleen is re-paired with Adrian. Or put back with J.T.. Or tested with Kevin or Daniel.

Victoria. For I don't know how many weeks in a row, she has done nothing but tread on my last nerve. I know I should feel sorry for her. After all, she's been cheated on, miscarried her little Carlton bairn, practically been booted out of the Carlton compound, and lastly tricked out of the Clear Springs properties. But I just want to wipe that goofy grin off her face. No wonder she fainted dead away after the debate. All that crap she's been gobbling down. We get it Victoria. You're pregnant, both real and for play and it clearly shows. Brad must be blind since he can't see it even with those too tight jackets buttoned right over her burgeoning belly. Like her mother, she thinks she never needs to Neutra Air a room neither. And J.T. following her about from sunup to sunset is soooo annoying. How much is she paying him to birddog all of Brad's doings. Because he doesn't seem to have any other assignments save hers. I know these two are married in reality, but I am just not feeling them. And what of all her poor me remarks. What rotten men she supposedly has always picked was she referring to. Love of her life, Ryan? Cole, the man she abandoned first before he abandoned her back? Diego? The man who kept her captive in her own tree house? She's fared much better than most of the other women in Genoa City. As for Brad, come one, what woman with any self respect would wed a man who once regularly romped in the sheets with her own mother, was formerly wed to her once upon a time stepmother after he married and divorced said stepmother's sister. And is the adopted father to her half-sister? Of course, she's now locking lips and other extremities with her soon to be ex-stepdaughter's ex lover. So she hardly has room to point a rebuking finger at anyone else. When you get right down to it, Genoa City's become almost as nasty and incestuous as its sister city, which shall remain unnamed, but we know where in California it's located.

Poor, poor DA Bardwell. Completely at the mercy of Gloria and her bloodthirsty clan. What will Lauren and the Fisher boys condone next? Drugged into insensibility? Cutting out his tongue? Murder? I sure hope the DA knows to keep his cards cupped close to his chest, pretending he's still sick until he becomes completely well. Or he may not ever see true civilization again.

And lastly, the thing that made me go, yeah, right, how stupid. Daniel fights a wild water main break, tells Lily he's so immersed in stagnant pipe water he will have to go to Kevin's and change clothes, yet he returns in the same clothes he departed in, with not so much as a drying moist patch on top or bottom.

Okay, due to very long lasting weekend basketball activities (yes, it's a near weekly thing for the duration of the summer), I'm so, so late with the submission of the column, so I'm going to end it here and let my fellow fans tell you what they felt about what went on. As always I appreciate your patience at my tardiness. I'm ever striving to improve.

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JUNE - Is it just me or does every man just blindly fall under the Amber spell sort of like the Phyllis effect? Kevin of all people has worked so hard to redeem himself and turns into a robot and follows any direction his mother or Amber gives him. Forget this incriminating picture or video that she needs to find. I'm sorry but a dead body is much more incriminating for Kevin than any vague embarrassing evidence that her cousin might have. And Daniel after all he has been through with Amber, I would think that after the Extreme Catwalk debacle and almost losing your wife that he would disassociate himself with Amber. If I were Lily I would demand that he not talk, see, or look her way ever again. Cut her off! He is definitely his mother's son because he can't stop lying; he is more devoted to some porno star wannabe that his own wife. And Brad why is that he suggests giving Victoria a divorce and when she accepts it he turns into a vindictive jerk? Does he find it hard to believe anyone would actually want to turn him loose? Nick was so right about not welcoming him into the family and putting him on the board of directors. He is an opportunist. Any man who would have an affair with his wife's best friend while she is undergoing cancer treatment is a sleaze and scum. Sharon should watch herself around him. He cut her off because she was trying to save her marriage and then turned around and proposed and married Victoria. Now that Victoria has cut him off he is sniffing around Sharon again. He takes any opportunity to cut down Jack and insinuate that he is still in love with Phyllis. He is a jerk. Speaking of Victoria, when was the last time you were in the shower alone or with someone and decided to stop what you were doing get out and answer the door? Who would do that? The person will eventually go away. J.T. needs to invest in a peep hole. I hope this baby is J.T.'s. They have so much chemistry and she has forgiven Brad on too many occasions. She did get preggers awfully quickly. I don't know what to make of this storyline with Nikki and David. What is the point? Is she that stupid? Does she miss Victor that much? Why do people turn to others so easily? Where is the loyalty people?

JM - I almost thought I was watching "Weekend at Bernies" when I saw Amber, Daniel and Kev haul around the obviously not important dead Plum. Of all the lame storylines, this one takes the cake. The GC morgue must be lonely these days, as all the corpses seem to be floating around the streets. And why does everyone do what Aaaaamber says? Not one of her goons can seem to think for themselves. I say let Lily and Cane hook up ... could be the breath of fresh air needed for Y&R.

KAMAL - You are not the only one salivating at the downfall of Nikki Reed Newman. This woman has gotten too big for her britches. You'd think with her nose scraping the ceiling she wouldn't be able to look down her nose at anyone. She's proven that she has learned from the master about how to screw over your children. Asking Vicki to act like the marriage was on track was appalling. And when did I start rooting for Sharon? I mean, I know her whole realtionship with Jack is not love, but I must admit I do like them as a couple. Phyllis' never ending schemes have put her on my list. Her ranting about missing Nick sent Sharon into a rave against her and I for one loved it. Despite Phyllis being on my list, I am loving the fact that she and Sharon are teaming up to help Jack take down Nikki. Jack all the way! Forget the sanctimonious Newmans. They can't be trusted and I hope he bests all of them, even Victor when he gets back to town. Gloria? There are no words for what I think of her (and Lauren for supporting this gold-digging, murdering (possibly) witch. I pray Maggie Sullivan will crack Will's case and put this woman behind bars where she surely belongs. I'm saddened to see Adrienne Leon go. Colleen was never one of my favorite characters, but Leon's portrayal made me appreciate the character a bit more. I'll cross my fingers that this doesn't mean the end of Korbeen.

KRISTY - I'm looking forward to seeing Nikki fall flat on her face. Why would anyone vote for a person who cannot even show a bit of loyalty to her own children? I'm really hating her now and want to see her lose everything.

TANYA - I think all of our complaining has finally paid off. With the exception of any scene with Tra ... sorry, I mean Amber, I never use the FF button anymore. Nikki is finally getting her comeuppance. The last scene with Victor watching her video with David was priceless. I can't wait for Nick to come back, and I so hope he doesn't remember marrying Phyllis. She needs to be brought down a peg or two. Kudos to the writers for finally making watching worthwhile again.

KENDRA - This show gets dumber and dumber by the day! First of all, the Amber, Daniel, and Kevin situation is about the dumbest of them all. It's as if the script was written by a bunch of amateurs. Who thinks of this stuff? Can the viewers get more credit than this? Secondly, Victor didn't leave on a bad note with Nikki. So why should we believe he would go off for weeks and not once call his wife. He can be cutthroat, but he's not that mean! He can't call his wife, nor return her phone calls, but he'll call Hope? Again, can the writers give us more credit? Next issue, this stupid debate! Who else is running? I'd vote for the bump in the road before I picked Nikki or Jack. They don't campaign on any issues other than picking on each other. Who's writing this stuff? And where's everyone else on this show? Is everyone else on hiatus, vacation, stranded island, what? These storylines are so dumb! I read the spoilers and summaries more than I actually watch the show. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. The storylines are just stupid.

WANDA - Is everyone else as fed up with "Camber" as I am? What a stupid S/L this thing with Amber's cousin (Plum/Garret) is. Friday was soooo boring and I FF'd just about the whole show. Thank God the election in June is almost over. So many of the scenes are so contrived (the kiss between Nikki and David) for instance. The cavorting all over the Chancellor mansion in various stages of undress was just too much Cane and Amber for me. GMAB

JULIE - These days (when I watch) I feel like I am watching a rerun of The Three Stooges and I did not like them the first time around, so I certainly don't like them on Y&R. What a joke. Amber, Kevin and Daniel are just bad actors. I used to like the person who plays Kevin, but it's like he has lowered himself to this goofball acting. It's like watching a 10th grade drama class when those three are on. I have always told people what a classy show Y&R is, but I am telling you, these days it's far from it. I cannot believe for one minute that the actors that play some of the roles on the show are very happy about it either.

SHANNON - Let me just say that I've only been watching Y&R for a year. I became a victim last summer when my best friend would make me watch but I absolutely love it and find myself sneaking to the conference room to watch it. Anyhow, your column is the bomb. I mean everything that I think about, you put exactly into words and also give me a little insight. Two things. Why is it that everything is at the club? (i.e, elections, birthday parties, engagement parties and so on. What happened to Indigo? Was Neil really that depressed that he can't even run his own business? Where is Devon? And what about the whereabouts of Drucilla? They just stopped talking about her altogether. And the Carmen thing? So many questions, so little time. I know you get tons of emails asking you lots of questions that you may not be able to answer but this was the only place I felt I could express my Y&R frustrations. Thanks so much and keep the Two Scoops coming.

JOANNE - Why do the writers have to dredge up such old storylines? Are they making Nick the next Victor by giving him the same storylines - plane crash, amnesia, rescue, love with their rescuer! Come on! Can't they come up with something better than that! So Nick is back and can't remember the past few years. How long will it go on before he does remember and when will he fall in love with Logan? Mind you, as far as Phyllis is concerned, that storyline doesn't bother me. It will be good for her to feel some pain and have him reaching out to Sharon on his return and not her. Maybe that shows he really loves Sharon because he has blocked out his marriage to Phyllis and his supposed baby Summer. I do not like the character of Logan and I am not looking forward to this summer what with Dumb, Dumber and Dumbest - Kevin, Daniel and Amber (or the three stooges - whichever you prefer) getting into trouble. (Isn't Adrienne Frantz's time up at the Y&R? I know I would not miss her one second. She has to be the worst character that has ever been on the Y&R and I cannot stomach any scene with her in it.) And this whole Gloria thing with William is just stupid. Now she is going to risk his recovery so that she won't be caught and Michael and Lauren will go along with this? What kind of people are they? I can't believe how the writers have turned Lauren into such a Despicable character following her in-laws in all of their sordid storylines. Where did her morals go? I thought she wouldn't tolerate any more lying or cheating from them? As far as I can recall she had no great hate for Jack so what is her problem and why is she helping Gloria? The show is moving too fast without development of all the storylines - especially the ones that have the potential to be interesting. I am disgusted. From what I have read on this site and other sites, there is no love lost for the head writer so why don't the powers that be get rid of her? They tied for best show, that should tell them something as they have been the best soap for years. I am a very disgruntled viewer. What a waste of a good soap!