Who's minding the Newman store?

Right up until the second the carjacker's shot shattered the silence, it certainly seemed at least possible the principal proprietor could wind up being a Newman other than Victor.

My apologies, faithful fans, for the very late posting of this week's column. Between work commitments and family obligations, I seem to run out of time (or energy) long before I get to the end of the To Be Done list. I appreciate your patience. You too, Editor Dan.

Now on with the show.

Right up until the second the carjacker's shot shattered the silence, it certainly seemed at least possible the principal proprietor could wind up being a Newman other than Victor. Although I admit it would have required about a year's worth of belief suspension in order for me to even halfway swallow that unlikely scenario. And I also confess I wasn't looking forward to watching the three stooges plus one attempt to put Victor out to pasture. Hopefully, however, I won't have to suffer through that insanity now.

It's a good thing too. Because squint though I might, I just can't see either of the Newman seedlings successfully running the Newman empire. Want to buy some vowels, Nick and Victoria. Buy enough to spell out: It's Daddy's company, not yours. And I didn't see anyone run by and snatch off Victor's crown and proclaim you two King and Queen of the throne? These brats ought to be falling on their knees thanking Daddy for letting them play at corporate life. Heaven knows no one else would give them a job. All that time spent in Italy, and what was Vikki doing? Cooking and painting pretty pictures. Brad was easily being hoodwinked by the likes of Jack. And as for Nick, shortly after he finished betraying Daddy, he spent an entire summer playing Paul Williams, P.I., then went right into a rousing game of I'm a Cheater too.

Oh well, all that aside, in the end, I guess there's nothing like a bullet to put things in their proper perspective, wouldn't you say? Only minutes before the shooting, Victor and Nikki had been snapping viciously at each other's throats. But all those harsh, hurtful words were forgotten the moment Romeo saw his Juliet was in danger. For the would be carjacker, Victor's unexpected appearance couldn't have come at a more inopportune time as he discovered his pistol was no match for the ruthless man of steel with the concrete consistency cranium. Of course, Nikki's luck wasn't a whole lot better as she took a bullet to the back before Victor made short work of her assailant and dispatched him to a state of unconsciousness by way of multiple head butts.

As is their custom, the uninjured Newmans put their animosities aside for the moment in order to rally together throughout the long night at the hospital. Unlike most other occasions, however, this time their hospital vigil was relatively brief. From shooting to surgery to signing release papers, all in less than a 24 hour period. That must be some kind of a record. Nikki even felt well enough to delegate NVP duties to her former partner, a decision a newly benevolent Victor was in full after the fact agreement with.

A surprising statement which made me thump the side of my head three times when I heard it just to make sure the brain inside was still processing information. Did Victor really say to Nikki: It's not my place to tell you how to run NVP? Since when? Five minutes before? Okay, I'm done laughing now and off the floor and back on the sofa.

And that wasn't the only head thumper I heard during the week. How about what Nikki said to Nick when they were discussing who might get cold feet first when it came to plunging the dagger in Daddy's back? What about you, Nikki questioned? You might have second thoughts. Who? Nick? The same son who once took great pleasure in the thought that Daddy might be locked away for years? Second thoughts? Him? I don't think so.

But it was Phyllis's verbal knife twist to Sharon that made me hit my head so hard I had to get up and take some aspirin. You've already hurt me enough. Right. I guess I must have missed the part when Sharon was twisting feline Phyll's arm behind her back and forcing her to pleasure her husband. Over and over again. And then she had the nerve to offer Sharon a bottle of aspirin. Well, let me tell you. Bridal shower or not, had I been Sharon, that aspirin bottle would have been bouncing off those red curls almost before it had left Phyllis' claws. Followed immediately by my fist right in the middle of her smirking face. Party would have been over.

And I can't forget Nikki accusing Victor of secret maneuvering. Knock, knock. That's me tapping my knuckles against Nikki's skull. Is anyone home? Isn't secret maneuvering exactly what she's been doing with her ungrateful urchins and their gold-digging pal behind Victor's back? Skillet, the pot's calling you names again.

But getting back to that bridal shower. Was I the only fan who looked at the unhappy faces of Lily and Colleen and superimposed pictures of a wet blanket on top of them? Talk about smothering all the fun out of the festivities. Too bad someone didn't stuff a wad of that wet wool in Colleen's jealous mouth the moment she opened it to spit out that infantile toast. By the by, I can't be the only fan sick and tired of Colleen's melodramatic meander through that alternate universe she inhabits. It's time she shoved her out of joint nose back into place. Once and for all. J.T. was not her fella. Ergo, he did not cheat on her. And if anyone needs to be running to the doctor getting themselves checked for an STD, it's J.T., not Victoria. Because he's the one who's past has proven he'll fall onto the sofa with a woman at the arch of an eyebrow. And Miss Hypocritical would do well to remember that when it's her turn to sleep with everyone he has slept with.

Anyone care to place any penny wagers as to the likelihood of Colleen actually getting a life? Does she ever plan to enroll in GCU? Will Brad supply her with an allowance forever, or will she join Daniel in the Newman mail room? Or is she destined to forever follow J.T. around like some bedraggled puppy, her snout snuffling along the ground searching for a scrap of his affection?

Equally amusing is the way these Genoa City cheaters often justify their brief stays on passing ships in the night. Victoria: Brad and I weren't together when I slept with J.T.. Yeah, technically that's true. They had been broken up for what, an hour? And J.T. let even less grass grow under his feet. Heck, five minutes before drowning his sorrows at the bar around the corner and an hour before he was swimming in Victoria, he was having a fight with Mac. Sure, he tossed out a "you can have her man to Kevin, but that hardly qualifies as an official break up in my book of relationship rules. I guess in GC, no one sets much store in a period of grieving. No matter how brief.

Ahh, Jack, like the energizer bunny, his mouth just keeps going and going and going. And every time he opens it, the hole he's crouched in, just gets deeper. Ugh. Gloria (GOFPA - Gust Of Foul Putrid Air) is like one of those nasty crawly things you find when you turn over a big boulder. I wish someone would step on her and squash her flat. It took nearly 30 years, but Kevin finally has a father figure in his life. John actually likes him and how does he repay him? By falling in with his trashy mother's plot to overthrow Jabot?

Fans, time after time you hit the nail right on its round little heads this week. In comment after comment, I couldn't have said it better than you did, so I won't even try. I'll just let you speak for yourselves. I'm sure many fans, like me, will find themselves laughing out loud at what you had to say. Enjoy!

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FRIEDA - I just found this site a few days ago and I really love the two scoops column and the letters that follow. I agree with most everything you comment on - my problem is why does everybody in town use the same cell phone? I realize that it is probably some marketing campaign by the cell phone manufacturer, but doesn't that manufacturer make other phones as well? How many of the people you know have the same phone? I know this is a soap, but I seem to recall a time when they did have different phones. I know this has nothing to do with the storyline; I just had to get that off my chest.

ERIK - Your comments about Colleen were very accurate. Why is she still lusting after this fool who had to sex up Anita Hodges because he couldn't handle not sleeping with Colleen? No matter what happens in this sure to be boring SL, I'm sure your column will do a great job of roasting these crazy people.

ZANETA - Okay I agree with you Nita on some parts. I think that they should make Phyllis become pregnant; gives spunk to the show. They need to let Brad and Sharon sleep together and Nick catch them so Sharon can beg Nick back. I wish Nick and Sharon could end up together somehow. Yes, Colleen gets on my nerves as well as Gloria. Gloria's rampage needs to end somehow. J.T. needs to find another female to be with, perhaps bring Brittany back or let him and Victoria hook up.

TREY - I must be in the minority on this one, but I'm loving Sharon right now. I feel as though she is conveying the emotions of an emotionally distraught wife perfectly. Her ambiguity over her marriage and Brad comes through her eyes and her performance. I also have to say and may be in the minority on this one too, but I'm loving this new Colleen and nuVictoria. The scenes where these two had it out over J.T. left me wanting more. Maybe a cat fight in the future? I also wanted to comment on the lack of support Y&R received at the Daytime Emmys this year. By far with Cassie dying and the new blood running through Genoa City, Y&R should have received some Emmy nods. I have to say that Sharon Case, Joshua Morrow, and a few others were snubbed and I really hope the academy recognizes these fine actors next year! Thanks for allowing me to have my say!

SHARON - For the person who wrote in about Victoria marrying her sister's father. I suppose she could ask Julie on Days how that works out. LOL

SANDI - O.K., I have been silent while all the others have been ranting and raving either for Gloria or against her. After yesterday's show and the show where she put guilt on Kevin in order for him to help her, I have to write. She is as bad as Terrible Tom with the mind games she plays on Kevin. If this is how it was growing up with a physical abuser AND a mental abuser, I can see why both Kevin and Michael were scarred for life. It is all about Gloria and what she wants and nobody else. What a mother!

SOAPGIRL - I loved this two scoops. It's like you looked into the hearts of frustrated Y&R fans everywhere and wrote truth. I agree with everything. I swear if Nick the snitch gets any more faces from being two-faced, he'll be a mythical monster. I couldn't believe Victor would ever give his kids the reins over Neil. They're idiots. I thought I was in an altered reality when Brad the gold-digging cad got stock. And all these idiots want to give him the keys to the kingdom rather than listen to Victor who is right - about everything? Was Colleen recast to be a witch or because actress Adrienne Leon can sing and at some time do a duet with J.T.? And Gloria is losing her mind and Jack is just helping with saying stupid comments. So rave on and speak truth for all of out there!

TRISH - It's been awhile since I've written, but I always read your column and send it to my husband who enjoys your humour and remarks as much as I do. Did you catch the sneers (I counted two) Colleen was giving Vikki at her shower - she could have given Elvis a run for his money, I'm thinking. As for BOFA - oops, I mean Gloria (BOFA used to mean Breath Of Fresh Air according to John, but now I'm thinking it should stand for bad odour - foul air), you are so right on about her - I just can't stand her getting away with everything and Michael and Kevin helping her anymore - enough! Does anyone remember when: (1) A few years ago, Lauren must have decided she was one of the Snoop Sisters and was rifling through Brad's desk (I believe he was at Newman then) to find some dirty secrets - she might have found something but this was never explored further? (2) About 15 years ago, when Nick-wit-less and Victoriass were little kids and blond, Nikki had some mysterious, rare, fatal disease, but suddenly was cured and failed to inform Victor and her kids that she was going to be okay, just so she could hold onto her marriage? (3) J.T. was so in love with Mac - this was the real thing, and 3 seconds later, he's fighting to keep Colleen with whom he was JUST FRIENDS but is now apparently madly in love with? Mac who? (4) Victor used to always refer to everyone by their first and last name as if it was all one name - as in JackRabbit? Am anxious to see what unfolds as the days go on in Genoa City.

CAROLE - I'm so sick of Sharon whining and moaning about Nick and Phyllis. Get over it already! He said he's sorry and is trying to make it up to her. I think the only reason she is still giving him this guilt trip is because she has the hots for Brad and wants all the bad guilt to be on Nick and Phyllis. I don't condone Nick and Phyllis; frankly it made me sick, but mainly it helped Nick get back to reality after Cassie's death. Pleeeeez do something about Gloria. She is so psycho! And always dragging poor Kevin along with her. Let Kevin have a life. Also, the current Lily and the current Victoria are all wrong. Please bring back Heather Tom. And another believable Lily. Baby, Baby, Baby, the other Lily did not drag it on and hang on to Daniel so much. The storylines seem to go up in thin air. Where did the key that Kevin had from Tom go to? What happened to Scott? And Sheila? I'm ready to go back to Days of Our Lives.

KAMAL - Victor is definitely a character that falls in the "love-hate" category for me. Victor on the warpath is definitely exciting to see, but that doesn't mean that the hows and whys of his actions are justified. I am not surprised that Nikki would be scheming with those two dum-dum kids of hers to oust Victor of the CEO seat. I mean, look at how Victor dismisses her opinions on everything. Still, Nikki shouldn't be surprised that Victor is doing what he's doing - he is Victor Newman after all. I place blame on every one of the Newmans for the current situation the family finds itself in. Everyone of them has helped put the motto of hypocrisy on the Newman family coat of arms, even the Victor himself. You can't run ramshack over your own family all the time and not expect them to strike back at you. And as the family of a man who tries to control every last aspect of their lives, you'd think they'd discover that the best way to fight Victor is to phase him out of your lives and strike out on your own.

SUZY - I guess Phyllis' pregnancy will be the nail in the coffin for Sharon and Nick's marriage. I seem to be the only person rooting for these two. Personally, I can't stand Phyllis and really hate this makeover of her character. Has everyone forgotten trampy Phyllis' past? There is a reason why she lost custody of her son. Have we forgotten how she kidnapped Michael? Now we have the whore turned into Madonna plot and I can't stand it. I see Y&R wants to make Phyllis a more central character but if I want to see "the 40 year old tramp who sleeps with everyone but really didn't mean too and I could not help myself show," I can watch Brooke on the Bold and Beautiful!