The heat's still on

Colleen is one very manipulative little lady who knows exactly what to say and to whom to say it to get what she wants.

Although fully aware that to the storyline powers pecking away at their computer keyboards, my personal opinions amount to less than the worth of a paltry pile of pinto beans, I'm still going on record by pointing out the Genoa City personalities whom have lost fond favor in my eyes this week. Probably to no fan's surprise, the scribbled names next to the No. 1 are, of course, spelled N-i-c-k and P-h-y-l-l-i-s. But they aren't alone on my list. C-o-l-l-e-e-n comes in as an annoying second, or should I say third. Girlfriend really needs to get a good grip.

Saving the worst two for last, this week I'll begin with No. 3. Aware that sweet, sticky honey has always been touted as a near sure-fire way to capture a hard working bee, Colleen is using handfuls of it in hopes of enticing the J.T. bee away from Mac so he can pollinate her petals instead. "Oh, J.T.," she mewled mournfully, blinking her baby blues repeatedly until she'd forced them to emit a tiny tear, "if the big, bad Kevin wolf huffs and puffs and blows down my shanty, will you gallop in and stop him from eating me all up?" What J.T. should have said, but didn't, was: "If Kevin is foolish enough to take you on again, he'll probably be the one I'll need to save." Because despite that tear and trembly-voiced performance, that girl can hold her own and then some against anything Kevin could dish out. She might be able to fool J.T. by playing every helpless card in the stacked deck, but from my seat on the sofa, Colleen has no need of any of my sympathy. Though her face might have changed, the tongue in her mouth has always been sharp and snippy. And she's never hesitated to give it free rein. She is one very manipulative little lady who knows exactly what to say and to whom to say it to get what she wants. If you don't believe me, take a mental stroll down your own memory lane and recall the moment she laid eyes on J.T. Hellstrom and every calculated move she made from then on to make him her own. I know all is supposed to be fair in love and war, but her antics this week have made me remember everything I never liked about her. Everyone knows me and my trusty pom poms have never hitched a ride on the Mac/J.T. bandwagon, but I have to admit that after watching Colleen perform her catty little hat trick in hopes of driving a wedge between them, I'm now actually positioning myself on Mac and J.T.'s side of the stadium. Who would've thunk it? As far as Kevin is concerned, I can only hope his changes are more than skin deep, because it appears Colleen may make it her mission to try to push him back into the pitch black pit (or claustrophobic closet) from which he's managed to crawl.

Sharon's name wasn't actually included on my lost favor list, but she definitely deserves an honorable mention for the somewhat backstabbing sentences she strung together about a couple of her fellow family members. Now, I admit I haven't been a card carrying member of Sharon's fan club for quite some time, but after too much of Nick and Phyllis' frenzied frolicking, I was trying hard to muster up some sympathy for her. So when she seemed to take such pure and palpable pleasure in ripping apart her sister-in-law for Brad's viewing, I sort of gave her the benefit of the doubt, understanding she was likely just feeling the painful bite of that vicious green-eyed jealousy monster. Especially since all her character killing efforts came to naught when Abby proved obviously none the worse for wear from Victoria's intervention. By the way, who is Sharon to give parental advice to Brad? How many nights is Noah destined to sleep in someone else's bedroom? And we're talking about school nights (I agree with you, fan Wanda). With Mom busy making a name for herself in distant cities and Dad busily staking his claim on the small bit of unchartered land left on Phyllis' heavily-traveled territory, poor little Noah's self-preoccupied parents have no time for their little neglected tyke. But I digress, getting back to Sharon. When she returned to Brad and showed him the words she'd read between the lines of her conversation with Nikki, she lost my supportive vote entirely. I was there, privy to that very conversation. And never once was it even indirectly implied that Nikki thought Sharon less than worthy of her roving eye, lust monkey of a son. Sharon has an unsavory way of slanting any circumstances in which she's played a part so she comes out smelling like a fragrant rose. Even if in reality she was buried up to her neck in a decidedly smelly substance. I can't wait to see how long before Sharon begins to smell something fishy floating in the air of Phyllis' office. How many times will she have to find her husband in there before she adds one and one together and comes up with infidelity?

I can't help but wonder if in hindsight, Sharon is going to wish she'd done a lot of things differently. Starting with her decision to change her career from that of semi-happy homemaker to globe circling cosmetic huckster. Because every time she leaves on one of her product pushing tours, a whole other kind of product dissemination is going on. Nick sampling Phyllis' and vice versa. Both Victor and Nikki tried to warn her what could happen if she left her home on the range to toil in the world, but their words just bounced off her concrete cranium and fell unheeded to the carpet.

Of course, even as I type, I bet many fans are shrugging their shoulders, murmuring such things as: payback is a female dog, or what goes around comes around, or can anyone say or spell deja vu? For what Sharon did with Diego and Cameron and Victor. But even I freely admit Sharon's indiscretions can't even hold a candle to those committed by Nick. Even the neighborhood mutt who's mated with every stray female with a tail is higher on the food chain than Nick. Because even a dog knows you don't ... you know ... where you sleep. But Nick and Phyllis doing it in the mite-infested hay came pretty darn close. What are they going to do for an encore the next time Sharon goes a-product promoting? Make it in the marital bed with Noah asleep down the hall? If they're even able to wait that long. They'll probably just do it inside the locked office, while both Nikki and Sharon pace impatiently in the hallway.

By the way, what's with this new dowdy style of attire for Sharon? Sharon, formerly known as the Lingerie Queen, a woman whose everyday wear is usually so tight, a newly popped up pimple on her skin couldn't hide. Suddenly she's wearing a blouse AND a sweater. And was that a long skirt and boots? What? She's suddenly become aware it's Winter in the Midwest? I know, I know, we're supposed to contrast her unfavorably against Flaunt it All Phyllis so that we can understand how Nick would choose her over his equally bodacious-bodied bride.

Okay, that brings me back to the No. 1 spot. So let's get to these two and get it over with. I couldn't help but laugh, AT Nick, not WITH him, when he claimed he had only gone to the hotel room Phyllis rented because of a desire to "chill". Because I found myself wondering exactly what he needed to chill from. After all, the man had pretty much done nothing but "chill" from the moment he climbed out of bed that morning. What I wouldn't give for a schedule like the one he followed. Let's see, first he enjoyed a vigorous workout for his body, although it was somewhat spoiled by Jack's mournful singing of the Phyllis heartbreak blues. When that was done, his umm ... spirits ... were lifted with the note from Phyllis and the hotel room card key. A quick stop at the AC bar to replenish his evaporated fluids, accompanied by more of Jack's lost love lament. A lingering look at Phyllis, followed by the reading of her little text message. His quick reply and subsequent escape from Jack. A nonchalant stroll to the AC gym for a face to face flirtatious conversation with Phyllis, who had made her own excuses to escape her meeting with his mother. Returned to the AC bar. Was observed by Victoria gazing longingly at motel room key card but smoothly and effortlessly lied about it. More longing looks at Phyllis, who had by then returned from their gym rendezvous and was back at Ma Newman's table, just in time to enter into conversation with new arrival Pa Newman. Begins a slow stroll toward the exit which was interrupted when Pa waved him over. More longing looks at Phyllis. Puts in (though he was immediately overruled) his dissenting two cents about Newman office space for the Spa entrepreneurs. Speaking of that office, it was a perfect example of how the rules can be bent to fit the current storyline parameters. If Newman had office space to spare, why was it so necessary for Dru and Phyllis to do daily battle over a shared one? Okay, back to Nick's unproductive day. Once again started for the exit, but although it couldn't have been far away, he still hadn't reached it by the time Phyllis, who must have hurriedly made an excuse to abandon the Newmans, appeared. More flirting as the adulterer reluctantly refused his amour's offer of hotel room hot and sweaty, guilt free interaction. But apparently he almost immediately had second thoughts because he wound up in that hotel room anyway, where the adulterer and his ever-ready rabbit made their simultaneous and by now predictable forward lunge and chest smash, falling writhing and panting theatrically atop the covers. By that time, I was the one who needed to chill, but not because I needed to cool off from their supposed heat, but so my sense of disgust had time to subside.

Yes, I've finally decided. Though I'm aware I'm swimming against the tide of favorable fan humanity, I am not titillated nor excited, nor panting for more from this pair. Phyllis' cavalier attitude pushes their affair into tawdry territory, and for me there is nothing exciting about two people behaving like a couple of flea bitten curs in heat. According to Phyllis, what other people don't figure out about their dirty doings can't possibly hurt them. Right. Nick couldn't even kiss his wife hello after her time away, not with the taste of Phyllis still on his tongue. Yes, that was nasty, but, just my opinion, so is what they're doing. I don't care how hot they are supposedly together.

And when you come right down to it, what do they really have in common that might stand the test of time? Phyllis with her history of instant self gratification at any cost, mostly, of course, at the expense of someone else. And Nick, a man whose main claim to fame is that he's a Newman who's had everything handed to him on a gold embossed platter and still finds much in his life to be dissatisfied with. Take away the adrenaline pumping threat of getting caught with your hand fondling the forbidden fruit. And to their feverish sex-couplings, add the familiarity breeds contempt (or at the very least, commonplace) factor, and what will you have? Even Phyllis' fans might agree she'd make a less than desirable Step-mommy.

Phyllis the dirt-dragging snake of the forked and betraying tongue. So, as she tells Jack, loving someone shouldn't be that difficult. Oh, and repeatedly loving someone behind his wife's back is easy. But she is right about one thing. Jack really should move on. Despite the great body and the even better sex, in reality old Red is no prize. The only time she's really interested in Jack is when there's no other man's candle around to dip her wick in. And I don't buy her argument of being betrayed by Jack. Phyllis condemning Jack for his betrayal is akin to the skillet calling the pot a scorched and blackened piece of tin. She may not be Sharon's bosom buddy, but she's certainly not her enemy. And what else is she doing but betraying the trust of her newest business partners by soiling up the sheets with their married son? To some her double entendre innuendoes might be cute but to me they just spotlight her low class character.

The thing is, if both of these two were unattached, I would probably be able to get into things and cheer them on. Of course, a small portion of my brain does function occasionally, so I realize legitimacy would take all the fun out of this pairing, leaving the fans nothing to debate about. Unfortunately, though neither of their characters had been spotless, they are really looking bad now.

Okay I've said all I'm going to about this pair ... at least this week. I'm sure they'll give me something else to say about them next week. Because the fan furor they've caused is something the scribes aren't going to be very quick to quiet. Some say it's the best thing that's happened to Genoa City doings in ages. So I'm going to just sit back and enjoy the roller coaster ride. But I confess I'm so looking forward to their personal Judgment Day. Talk about the smelly stuff hitting the fans. Anyway, time to move on to other residents.

Like the Abbotts. Gee, the sky over their sprawling compound can't get much darker, can it? Is John a fragile hothouse bloom that will wilt and expire at a stiff prison sentence or isn't he? If that's the case, seems like it's bound to be a lose-lose situation for old Bug Eye Gloria. It will kill John if he goes to prison and it will kill him if his daughter does. Either way it could be the end of the long and winding road for John. By the way, since I don't see it listed on the left hand side of the Soap Central site, I won't give it away here, but there is a huge, supposedly confirmed as legitimate, spoiler that everyone who peruses any message boards has likely already learned about, and will probably be old and known by everyone else by the time this column posts. I'll comment on it next column. So John has confessed, but for now the DA stand-in doesn't believe him. Didn't see that twist coming.

As an attorney, Michael sure manages to let himself get coerced into taking some questionable cases. Brad and Jack's plot to topple Victor. Victor's bribery. Now the Abbott clan's obstruction of justice/conspiracy case. And how funny is it that when they need him, everyone wants Michael to be their own personal miracle maker, but the moment they have no further use for him, his worth to them becomes about the same as that of a used tissue.

Which brings me to Brad, another branch of the Abbott family tree. Victoria might not have raised a child (by the way, for a man who supposedly loves her, I thought Brad's remark particularly insensitive considering she miscarried a child), but that doesn't automatically make her wrong about the little Stepford Carlton kid. The adults in Abby's life do handle her with a double pair of white kid gloves like she's a piece of priceless porcelain. If they are not careful she's going to grow up to be just like Mommy, prone to periodic mental malfunctions whenever life gets to be a bit more than she can bear or wants to face. Or she will emulate her adopted Daddy's example and hitch her wagon to the nearest moneybag in order to smooth out the bumps in life's pathways.

I wish Victoria would stop acting so darn needy when it comes to Brad. She makes me groan and grind my teeth in frustration. Why on earth does it matter whether Abby knows she's engaged to her father? I realize relations between the partial-sisters has improved, but does Victoria really expect that Abby will be happy about their engagement news? Of course, something tells me all Victoria's hard work and effort are likely to be in vain. With the fornicators taking more and more risks, it can only be a matter of time before one or both of them are caught, literally, with their pants pooled around their ankles. It's a certainty that Sharon will make a beeline straight for Brad, regardless of whether his engagement to Victoria is on or off. And as far as that engagement is concerned, considering the Abbott troubles, I'm guessing it will soon be more off than on.

Finally, it looks like my favorite businessman is going back to work. I don't even care if it means more Jack vs. Victor. Or that in order to have Victor, I have to put up with Phyllis flying on and off the handle. If I had my way, both Newman children and their significant others (all three of them) would find pink slips in their pay envelopes. Okay, to be fair, unlike the others, Sharon is actually doing more working than playing. When it comes to Nick, however, his attitude toward work seems to be, let's not and say we did. If things go south for Victoria and Brad, at least it will be back to business for her. About time, is all I can say.

And lastly, to the young adults.

Leave it to Phyllis to set up a surprise breakfast for other people to cheer up her despondent Daniel. If she was really concerned about his flagging spirits, she would have sat down and had breakfast with him herself. But no, she was too eager to race to the office in hopes of running into her undercover lover in order to trade sexual zingers with him. And if Phyllis wasn't so busy living and basking in the sexual "moments" with Nick, she might have known CC was back in town and that planning a coffee klatch with Kevin and company might not be the best idea. But as usual, when Phyllis has the musky scent of a new man in her nose, she has no time for her son. That had to be the briefest breakfast in history. Way to clear a room, Colleen, with your biting, sarcastic wit. The cat fight to come between Mac and her over the J.T. bone should be interesting. Because unlike the other unsuspecting felines in this town, Mac's intuition is blaring a strident warning every time Colleen comes on the premises. She isn't likely to take a J.T. takeover lying down. On second, thought, lying down may be exactly the way she handles things. With Lily's arrival imminent, I hope Kevin has his shield at the ready. Colleen might not have gotten very far in changing her other friends' minds about Kevin, but Lily could be a different story. Especially if she shares the sordid details about the part Kevin played in her elevator almost-rape. I expect Daniel's part in that melodrama will remain unknown. I guess he has the luck of his mother when it comes to getting off scott free for some of his unbecoming conduct.

So much for my opinions. Here are yours.

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DORIS - I agree with you 100% as to Colleen's reaction to Kevin. If he had tried to kill me there is absolutely nothing he could do to change my opinion about him. He gives me the creeps just looking at him. As far as his mother is concerned, I wish John would just kick her to the curb. His family has had nothing but trouble ever since she's been on the scene and she's still lying to him. None of them ever tell the truth, Kevin and Michael included. I wonder how Lauren will react when she finds out Michael set up Tom. You are right, I don't feel sorry for Ashley at all; in fact I am real sick of her.

SANDI - May I ask why in God's green earth is Mac and Kevin included with the high schoolers with Daniel? And why would Phyllis ever involve herself with her son by talking to his friends about cheering him up? If I ever did that, my kids would NOT have talked to me - which I am glad, Daniel did tell his mother off on the phone. I still am amazed that these kids spill everything to their parents - yes I know it is a Soap and things have to get out, but Lily was very secretive and we know Cassie was for sure. But Daniel telling Jack, Nicholas, Victoria and anyone that would listen about his troubles with Lily breaking up with him. I must admit, I do give Devon credit for standing up to his mother - boy that departure sure went fast.

WANDA - OMG, how smart was it for Phyllis and Nikki to move to the NE office towers? Sharon almost caught her and Nick on the FIRST day. I'm really happy Victor is going to be "back in business". He needs to be productive and not just sit out at the ranch on his hands. What happened to Nikki wanting him to quit working so they could be together? She is never happy. Nikki has gotten to be such a bitch lately that I'm starting not to like her as much as I used to. Sharon is just the opposite. She has become such a little "goody two-shoes". Phyllis is just manic. Everything in her life is a crisis. Nick seems to be able to settle her down for a while though. Everyone in the Abbott family needs to chill out and let John do his thing. Why did Y&R change the DA? Does poor little Noah ever get to spend the night at home anymore? No one allows their children to sleep over, during the week, unless it is a dire emergency. I hope Colleen takes J.T. away from Mac. I'm so sick of her defending Kevin like he is being unjustly accused of something. He acts like he has done nothing too. I would find me a new set of friends if I was Colleen and a new place to hang out besides CL.