Pick up the pace!

Since Nick has chosen to go completely around the bend, Sharon has had no choice but to assume the calm and reasonable role.

I tell you, sometimes there's just no pleasing some folks. You're darned if you do and you're darned if you don't. In this particular case, the folk I am referring to is me. The reason to color me disparaging? Sharon Newman and her unusually rapid recovery from the death of her daughter. Yes, I know what you're going to say. Since Nick has chosen to go completely around the bend, Sharon has had no choice but to assume the calm and reasonable role. But it's a bit odd to see a nearly tear-free Sharon, when this is a woman who normally sheds two buckets of tears at the drop of a hatpin. Adopted Daddy seems more broken up over Cassie's demise than her bio mommy. And I don't buy that Nick's anger and grief is mostly due to guilt. Speaking of whose to blame, I couldn't help but notice that in this never before seen side of Sharon, the tendency to point the accusing finger is still a very present part of her persona. "Remember Nick," she pointed out reasonably, while presumably attempting to get him to share his pain, "I was the one who didn't want to let Cassie go." Oh right Sharon, telling him it's his own fault his daughter is dead is a sure way to make him want you for a close and cozy confidant. I, of course, disrespectfully disagree with her. Regardless of who said what back when, or who had the lion's share of reservations, in the end Sharon agreed to remove the restrictive reins from around Cassie's precocious neck. So it's too late now to rely on hindsight to make it more Nick's fault than hers. Is that why Sharon is so desperate to have Nick around? So they can endlessly rehash what can't be undone. If that's the case, Nick may as well keep going off half-cocked on everyone around him.

And that's exactly what he's doing too. In his own words he claims Cassie's death has cost him a portion of his brain, the thinking morsel as near as I can tell. Which, of course doesn't leave him nearly enough to perform his daunting Newman Enterprises duties. However, the lack of brain cells didn't prevent him from lobbing venom tipped arrows at the hearts of anyone with even the loosest ties to Daniel. And what will happen next? There is no dearth of male devotees willing to help ease Sharon's sorrowful burden; will there soon be a female confidant in Nick's armed camp?

Meanwhile, the boy who's the bane of Nick's existence hasn't a clue his days on Genoa City's green earth would number at the low end of single digits should Nick get the opportunity to wrap his hands around his neck. But as it turned out, even without Nick's angry intervention, that is apparently the case anyway. Thanks to Malcolm's intense need to be a bosom buddy instead of a father figure to Lily, he unwittingly managed to buy Lily and Daniel just enough time to take off. Yes, together, as if anyone with a whit of sense hadn't already seen that one coming from miles and miles away.

Now, I wouldn't be me, if I didn't comment on the young lovers. While I think they are cute enough together, especially when compared to all the other less than riveting romantic relationships offered in the City, I still can't quite see them the way they see each other. I have a hard time buying into this oh so deep love Lily now seems to have for the unfortunate young man whose only crime was passing out at the wrong time and in the wrong back seat. So much does she love him that she swears she'd have no life at all if Daniel couldn't be in it. On second thought, after re-reading what I just wrote and if history is anything to go by, I concede that Lily is 100% correct. She would have no life if she didn't have Daniel. But for now, Lily's having the time of her life in the starring role of her own Lifetime Original Movie.

Try as I might, I just can't take their run for the border very seriously. First of all, shame on Lily for making Daniel's drama all about her. Her need to keep him close enough to dance and daydream with. Her inability to get through a day without his sweet whispers in her ear. Instead of letting Daniel stand up and be a man and face the consequences of what he hasn't actually done, Lily would rather have him looking apprehensively over his shoulder for the rest of his days. And what good will it do Daniel to have her with him? Excuse me for coming up with impractical questions, but wouldn't her face and plates be faxed to every state, right alongside his? She will take care of him, she vows. And how, pray tell, will the poor little rich girl who has had everything handed to her on her own engraved gold-plated platter do this? She's never so much as held a summer job. How long can they live on whatever her parents have deposited into her savings account? But in the interest of moving this one along, I'll play dumb and go along with the flow.

However it all plays out, Lily will be richly rewarded once she's put all this aiding and abetting stuff behind her. Thanks to Uncle Dad, who has decided his daughter/niece needs something to occupy her time other than her current crush, Malcolm has accepted Jill's offer to resume snapping pretty pics again, but only if Lily is allowed to pose provocatively before his camera for Glo by Jabot. Boy if that isn't an old dead thing I hoped would never rise from the ashes. But alas, once the wind has died beneath Lily's fleeing heels, looks like she'll have a chance to prance along the same path once taken by her model mommy. Like Mother, like daughter, perhaps even a shoot of them together. Sigh, I can't say I'm all pins and needles of anticipation at the possibilities. I guess Malcolm's career decision means he's fully recovered from his life changing African stay which made him disdain such frivolous pursuits such as playing with lens and camera bodies for a living in exchange for playing with coffee cups and filters for rich kids and their never go to work parents.

Now that Jabot belongs to her, Kay just can't stop herself from interfering in its running. Is Kay going to have to lead Jill by the hand and point out everything Jill should be doing as CEO? Why doesn't Kay just take the job? Just goes to prove there is more than a grain of truth in the claims of Jill's naysayers who claim she doesn't know what she's doing. Without Kay, while she might not quite run the company into the ground, she certainly wouldn't lift it up very high either.

If Brad really believes his own braggadocio, that as soon as Jill collapses inelegantly on her keister, Kay will come stumbling in his direction, wheeling a padded CEO seat humbly before her, he's living in a fool's paradise. He might as well update his resume and start emailing it out. Seriously though, I doubt Brad will remain unemployed much longer. As we all know, there are only two companies anyone actually wants to work for in this town and since he just quit one of them, no doubt Brad will soon be reporting for occasional duty at Newman. With Nick preoccupied with matters of revenge, the door is wide open not only for Brad, but Victoria as well, once she tires of looking for love in all the taken places, that is.

Okay, nitpick time. I could have sworn Gitta was going to live in the pool house? When did she get a bedroom in the actual Inn? Just my opinion, but the near dalliance between Kevin and Gitta was the funniest part of the week. Yes, it was extremely silly and took a massive amount of belief suspension that anyone would actually fall for Kevin's bloody mouthed vampire impression, but it certainly entertained me enough to grant it an extra couple of watches. Throughout it all, Kevin's facial expressions were as usual hilarious. And Gitta's reactions were just as funny. That accented voice saying "oh!" as she stopped Kevin's amorous encroachment in its tracks once his face gave away the fact that she was about to be just a one night delight rather than a till death do us part pleasure was priceless. Can getting rid of Gitta really have been that easy? Gitta's hasty exit from the Inn has undoubtedly left the bedroom door wide open and we know Gloria won't hesitate to sashay right inside. Hope John's new hip can take all the coming exertion!

Ridding the city of diseased Terrible Tom won't be nearly so easy, however. In her effort to show Gloria who's the better woman, Ashley has probably chomped off more than she can chew and swallow without severe indigestion. Not only does the Tomcat obviously have a diabolical plan, he also appears to have an equally disreputable partner, though he hasn't actually been seen or heard. Though Michael doesn't know it, his continued discord with Terrible is bound to put him on a direct collision course with disaster. And if Ashley isn't careful, she could be mowed down as well.

If the very ugly rumor moving at warp speed all throughout cyberspace is true, Terrible may not be the only bothersome beetle in Michael's matrimonial ointment. It's said an old villainess has possibly started on a meandering route that will wind up in Genoa City. Yes, the infamous Sheila Granger, a one woman wrecking crew, having finally worn out her welcome on B&B (whose daily silliness was long ago deleted from my recording menu) is alleged to be heading our way. While many fans are overjoyed at the prospect of her dastardly doings in Genoa City, I was one fan who jumped up and did a joyful little jig when she finally went away. Now, I enjoy a good, bad girl as much as the next one, but I was sick near unto death of that one. For those who may not have been around during her excessively long reign of terror, she was one of those who was always coincidentally in the right place at the exact right time, invisibly eavesdropping with impunity, hidden in plain sight on the verge of being spotted, but always managing not to be. And such a brain, our supposed Sheila was. Like Phyllis, she was quite proficient in the how-to department, you know, how to drug a man, fake a pregnancy, change paternity records, make threats that could make grown men quiver in their loafers, and on and on ad nauseum the list could easily go. Whom shall Sheila haunt this time around? Why, who else but her old nemesis, Lauren I won't be happy long Baldwin to be.

For the Marsinos, for all intents and purposes, I think happy days not only won't be here again, but in fact are already over. If you're perusing this column, you probably also pay attention to the articles of interest on the left. Which means you know Bobby's days pouring overpriced drinks behind the AC bar are likely nearing an end. Most fans seem to think the middle aged reformed mobster signed his name to his own severance check the moment he wound up leashed to Brittany the then female puppy. It's too bad. I enjoyed Bobby and Nikki together, but wouldn't have wanted them to pair up if it meant untying the many-knotted Victor/Nikki connection, although I know many fans would not agree with me on that last part. There are plenty of manless women wandering around the City. He could have been paired with any one of them. Jill, Ashley or Phyllis, just to name a few. Instead most of his manhood was stripped away in order to play a dumbed down husband to his Stepford wife. And that wife is looking a little peaked and unhappy these days. Is the Missus beginning to miss those carefree days of youth? It will be interesting to see what Marsino's departure, and with it the end of the Marsino marriage will mean for J.T. and hot to trot Mackenzie?

As wondered last column, Mac is indeed ready to slap shins beneath the scratchy sheets with J.T. "Had Them All" Hellstrom. Inwardly accepting she'll never command the caring J.T. showed Colleen, Mac is ready to settle for whatever crumbs J.T. feels like flinging her. He may have been content with polite lip pecks and heavy palm pressing with Colleen, but if Mac hopes to compete with the likes of Robin One Night, she is going to have to take the lid off the cookie jar and let J.T. have all he wants of the cookies inside. Without even so much as an insincere I love you, to coax her on. Oh, now that's an unappealing picture I've gone and painted for myself! Anyway, although they were rudely interrupted before their sexual contortions could commence, there's little doubt that particular movie is only in Pause. Once J.T.'s detective duties are done, I'm sure the play button will be pressed and we will return to the duo in their unclothed state. Once that happens it will be official. The first known successful complete character and personality transplant can then be written up in the medical trade journals. Mackenzie Browning will be no more. And the moralistic woman once known as Mac can henceforth be called Hanna Hot-trot. How utterly unlike the Mac the scribes have up to now led us to believe her to be. All the other incarnations of Mac had a vulnerability about them, but not this one. From my seat on the sofa, she comes across brazen, almost desperate at times. The woman who has never even engaged in a heavy petting session was not the least bit embarrassed at being interrupted by Paul. The last thing anyone would ever suspect her of being is pure and untouched as the driven snow. And while she dresses and behaves years older than the 21 or so she's supposed to represent, every time she opens her mouth, things a girl half her age might say comes gushing out. "Do you think I'm pretty? Yummy in my tummy?" I'm waiting for her to pass him a note with "Do you like me? "written in girlish, looping letters, followed by a yes and no box for him to check. Saying Mac is bad, no, very, very bad is not exactly meant as a compliment.

The least the scribes could have done was explain what caused Mac's abrupt and complete about face in deciding to give away something she vowed would be sampled only by a lawfully linked lover, instead of making her just like every other panting, pursuing female J.T. has ever known. Already labeled as one of the most disliked and disappointing duos in daytime by many fans, any action between these two is alleged to be viewed mostly in lightning quick mode, depending upon the speed of the FF mechanism in your particular VCR. Do the scribes actually think placing them in a more intimate position will pique our interest? I won't speak for any of you, but the very sight of them together immediately triggers a very violent gag reflex in me (and that's before they open their silly mouths to spout one nonsensical syllable), so I can't even imagine how I would stomach them kissing and pawing passionately at one another. I have to tell you, it would probably result in a very rare and almost never used defense mechanism. Yep, you guessed it, FF. I might even close my eyes.

You know, I'm really beginning to look askance at the improbable pairings popping up all over the City. Which brings me to the couple who will close out the column this week. One I can consider a duo only by squinting my eyes and dwelling in the extreme and most fanciful corner of my vivid imagination. Yes, I'm talking about the near-blind detective, I'm dating your wife, Paul Williams. Although if I was the one being asked, I would never have labeled what Paul and Ashley have been doing as dating. By the way are the Carltons still separated, or did they divorce when I was asleep? Picture it. Paul, the man who should be the featured face on a Deadbeat Dad poster seriously involved with a woman too "fragile" to handle full time mothering of her own daughter. With those two as Abby's parents, it wouldn't be long before she found herself shipped off to parts unknown, never to be heard from or mentioned again.

That's my brain full. Fans, your turn.

* * * * * * *

WANDA - Nick is really continuing on in his @##$$## self these days. Cassie dying did not slow him down a bit. I think the Gitta and Kevin SL is a hoot. I'm so sick of the SL of Daniel going to prison. The acting in this crisis is sooo over the top. Cassie contributed to her own death by leaving the hospital. Is Daniel on the "Ten Most Wanted List" now? What is that with his picture being on the Post Office wall and at all the motels? Is he another Ted Bundy?

LINDA - I still believe the old Nick is buried under the tough exterior and hopefully will come back out someday.

MARIE-CLAIRE - I write about Lauren and Michael. They are perfect together. Happily, this couple is the favorite of the viewers like said M. Smith and they have a great fan base.

MACARENA - It is preposterous that Ashley "What do you do?" would fall for Tom, but I don't care. It's a better story that way. When she realizes he's evil, she'll be too proud to admit she was wrong. Or he'll reinforce her belief in the caste system.

PAMELA - I love Y&R but have been growing really tired of how and where the show is going. Mac and J.T., for God's sake get rid of them. Bobby/Brittany, snooze snooze. I always like the Newmans, but they could hurry up the whole accident/death stuff. I know it's tragic, I was sad to see Cassie go, but come on. Daniel is hiding out and Lily brings him food and they kiss and dance. Time to get serious about finding out what happened. If the writers take the time they could reformat their show to keep loyal viewers and maybe attract some new ones.

TARA - If I hear Nick say "our little girl" one more time, I might hang myself. Those are three tired words I just can't take anymore. But surely someone, anyone, will discover that Daniel wasn't driving. Lord knows, if you combined all the brain power of Genoa City's law enforcement, it would amount to that of a lint ball. So, will Bobby dodge the mob? Will J.T. de-flower Mac? Will Nikki ever wear a bra? I'll continue to tune in & find out! What is goin' on in that fine head of Malcolm's? His idea to make Lily the next fresh face of Glo by Jabot is laughable. Hmmm, what can we do with this young, impressionable girl to take her mind off of Daniel and his drama? Lemme see....oh, let's throw her into the world of modeling! She'll go from a fleeing fugitive to a self-conscious eating disorder candidate! Woohoo! What a plan!