Dissolve...please!

Since Paul and J.T. have so little respect for Michael, why don't they just pack up their cardboard cartons and fly their PI pennant over their own door?

Since Paul and J.T. have so little respect for Michael, why don't they just pack up their cardboard cartons and fly their PI pennant over their own door? When I heard Chris claim how they all work amazingly effective together, I rushed right to the bathroom to apply a Q-tip to my ears. Did I miss something obvious, or was I taking a late-night cat nap when they did something that proved that statement? Chris on recurring status has barely been seen, and the rare times Paul actually appeared to be working, or at least what passes for work for him - handing the duty buck to J.T. - he was working against, not with, Michael. Unless you count the time he inadvertently helped Damon while helping Chris absolve Phyllis, I don't recall him playing an investigative role on any of the law firm's cases. Paul's constant caustic comments about his lack of an office, his dislike of Michael, and by extension, the Fisher half of Michael's family are tedious and repetitive and bring me dangerously close to breaking my own golden rule to refrain from maniacal manipulation of my fast forward button. And finally, the scribes recent decision to occasionally link his abrasiveness with Ashley's corrosiveness has made for a match made in the hot place. And I think you all know I don't mean this in a good way. Needless to say, presenting me with the temptation to get two for the price of one prolonged fast forward has proven to be nearly impossible to resist.

Brad gets two gold stars in his column and a resounding slap on the back for sticking solidly to his ultimatum guns and taking the first step to close and lock Jabot's door behind him. Of course when Brad suddenly and uncharacteristically began chanting Victor's praises at the top of his lungs when he found himself handily hoodwinked by Jack in his CI takeover plot, we all knew he'd eventually make his way toward the front doors of Newman. I'm not convinced, however, that severing his ties with Jack "Judas" Abbott and offering his abilities instead to despot Nickwitless "Backblade" Newman won't wind up being much like jumping straight from the hot, popping grease in the skillet directly into the flesh-searing flames.

Sigh. Will Lily ever have a normal, teen romance with a boy her parents approve of? Or is she forever destined to have to sneak around with bad boys until things reach some unfortunate conclusion? But then again, perhaps Lily knows to take what she can get. Because it's not as if the pickings in GC are plentiful. Just ask Sierra, who's been standing in the boyfriend-less line since her face first popped up in the halls of Walnut Grove Academy. But back to Lily, other than Devon, who Lily has presumably mentally labeled "brother" I don't see any other boys bounding about begging for a date. And speaking of Devon, just what kind of possibly un-brotherly thoughts are meandering through his mind. Is he looking for love just a little too close to home? Is he actually looking longingly at Lily in a less than sisterly manner or do his actions simply mean he's suspicious of Daniel? I'd like to think it was the latter, but his immediate request of Sierra for after-school assistance right after Lily effusively admired Daniel's extensive book knowledge made it appear it could be the former.

Like his mother, no one need ever worry about feeling obligated to commend Daniel for his good manners and respectful attitude. Granted Dru should have been more diplomatic in demanding a private audience with Lily, but Daniel's "I was here first" reply was rude and ill-mannered. And his retort to Dru was not an isolated incident; he was equally disrespectful toward Phyllis.

Neil and Dru's desire to separate their sometimes silly Lily from the immature in age only, Daniel, is likely for the wrong Kevin reason, but they're probably right in being concerned. Because in a sense, when it comes to Daniel and Kevin, Daniel really IS guilty by association. He performed his part well in the Alex elevator plot designed to partially whitewash Kevin's heavily stained character, but I don't think anyone would claim Kevin is the dominant half of this dubious duo. It was Daniel, not Kevin, who cultivated Alex's unsavory friendship and kept nearly all the sordid details pressed secretively to his chest. It was also Daniel's idea to guzzle all the good stuff from Michael's liquor cabinet and replace it with water. On top of that, Genoa City history has proven time after time that when it comes to family, the partially rotten fruit often doesn't roll too far from the roots of the diseased tree. He may not have grown up with Mommy Murderous, but half of his genes do come from her. And some of his past actions in the short time he's resided in Genoa City have definitely proven he's more Mommy's son than adopted Daddy Dan's. He's only 16. What's he going to be like when he's lived a few more years under Phyllis' roof and had much more time to observe and maybe mimic her many manipulative methods.

Even though last week it appeared certain Jill as Jabot's CEO would be calling the shots and ordering the Abbott's about (as long as her decisions dovetailed with Jack's, that is) perhaps she should have waited to count her little yellow chicks until they'd pecked their way from their shells. Because what once looked clear has suddenly become murky. Since Nick-a-loser made it apparent he'd be doing everything in his power to ensure his sister remained locked out of the Newman executive suite, Victoria is almost sure to ask Jack to put Jabot's CEO salary where his mouth is. Since Victoria was his first choice to begin with, it doesn't take much stretching of my vivid imagination to guess Jill may be about to feel the scorching heat of Jack's Judas smooch. Again.

While if I had my druthers, I would have preferred Victoria and Nick match wits at Newman (okay, we are talking about Nick here, so Victoria will probably only need to use half of hers), Nick has become such an all-around obnoxious guy with few redeeming qualities, I'll take their expected sibling battle any way I can get it. I know many fans consider Victor a ruthless grim reaper who spent years scything willy-nilly through any unfortunate man or woman foolish enough to oppose him, at least he showed us an occasional semi-softened spot in his sometimes flinty heart, if for no one else but a favored family member. In Nick, however, while some might consider him a genuine wood chip off the old Victor block, I don't see the same sensitivity. Nick seems willing to be as hateful to his family as he would to a stranger off the street. As an example, despite all those complimentary comments he often directs toward Sharon, albeit mostly referring to her skills in the satin sheets or in effusive praise of some physical feature like hair, ear, eyes, skin or awesome body, Nick didn't hesitate to plop Sharon firmly in her place when she dared to poke her little snout in Newman business. By the way, the truth as Victoria saw it, certainly didn't settle very well in Victor's queasy stomach. Seems like she landed uncomfortably close to the ugly, unvarnished truth for the old guy's liking. He's lucky his apoplectic reaction to her sarcastic words didn't bring on a full-fledged stroke. Since Victor has chosen to keep Victoria in second place behind her semi-imbecilic sibling, Victoria taking her talents to the competition is exactly what both Victor and Nick deserve.

Unlike the fragmented faction within the Newman family, no matter what traitorous act one of them might have committed against the other(s), when the smelly stuff starts flying toward the rotating fan blades, the Abbott's can always be counted on to join together to hold up an impenetrable barrier to stop it. Unfortunately for Gloria, she seems to be the figurative stinky stuff they don't want to get on their pampered paws. For two people as far from perfection as Ashley and Jack, they certainly enjoyed their jollies scoring Gloria's thin skin with their unkind comments. And just in case there cutting jabs didn't cause her enough pain, they took turns and what seemed like a great deal of vindictive pleasure in pouring boxes of Morton salt directly into the wounds they'd made.

Given the many underhanded acts he's committed, Jack certainly shouldn't let any derogatory words like low-life roll from either side of his forked tongue. This power craving pontificator is certainly in no position to rattle the horny rings on his scaly tail at Kevin. I'll grant you many of Kevin's misdeeds have been indefensible, but it's not as if there's much discernible light between Jack's belly and the dirty Genoa City ground either. But at least Jack did retain enough of a remnant of his supposedly civil and polite upbringing to at least manage to grunt out a sincere sounding thank you for Kevin's being in the right place at the right time and possessed of at least a modicum of medical know-how.

That's certainly more than could be said for Ashley Annoy-me Abbott, who has no more room to point a crooked finger than her back-stabbing brother. Other women's partner-pilfering, semen stealing, not even John's Abbott's real daughter, wicked itch with a capital B. With all she's done, she's lucky a lightning bolt didn't descend from the heavens long ago to shock her arrogant donkey's behind senseless. Gloria ought to snatch that witch's broom right out from under her and sweep her and her hypocritical holier-than-thou backside right out of town.

Jack's and Ashley's constant comments about and preoccupation with the future distribution of John's fortune is wearing a little thin. This from kids who have never, to my knowledge, spent one paltry penny of their own funds toward rent since they've become adults. Ashley has simply enjoyed the largesse of her five (am I forgetting anyone) husbands, while Jack has never provided a roof of his own for any bride who ever put a Mrs. before the Jack in Abbott, quite comfortable simply ordering new sheets for the same boyhood bed provided by his financially secure father. Although I once waited with great anticipation for the day the veil of secrecy would be snatched from around Gloria, when it finally came, like revenge often does, it had no sweetness for me after all. Somewhere along the long, winding journey, I started empathizing with the once good-time gal. Judith Chapman did what Joan Van Ark had failed to. Made me want her to win. But John Abbott isn't me, and he remained completely unmoved by Gloria's copious hospital bedside crocodile tears. By the way, how did Gloria learn of John's stair stumble and subsequent tumble? She didn't talk to Kevin until long after her hospital arrival and Michael hadn't yet been told of John's mis-step. It's certain Jack, John or Ashley didn't let her in on the news. The Abbott house was empty and the hospital couldn't possibly have known she was slinging back sloe gin at the Sweat-N-Sup Club for the Affluent and Not. If I missed something, someone please write and fill me in.

Moving on the Marsino's. What is with the mysterious baby blanket gift? Where are we going with that? Probably the same place I think this bland and unbelievable Bobby/Brittany marriage has led me. Nowhere. I know, I know. I keep on marching back and forth over the same old mud-hardened ground repeating myself, but they continue to take me way beyond the border of boring. I try to watch with an open mind, but they so irritate me. Their conversation is banal and filled with unimportant fluff. They sound and look silly and ill-matched. Just the sight of Brittany's constant goo-goo eyed gaze of adoration actually causes a heartburn-like irritation to burn like acid in my chest. What is it about them that shouts everything but romance to me? But, maybe it's just me and from now on, I will try to follow my Mother's wise advice: If you can't say anything nice ... keep your big mouth shut. Okay, so I took artistic license with the clich, but you know how it really goes. So with that in mind, I'll return to the subject of the blanket. Is it a mob thing? Or did Anita have an attack of the guilties and decide to try to melt the frozen tundra between mother and daughter with a nice warm blanket? Will Brittany realize her new dream of motherhood and marriage? Or will Vinny, or whatever mob name he was called by, roll back into Bobby's life like a bad penny? Will Bobby pocket the penny this time, or refuse it? Where does Nikki fit in the Marsino's new and improved Newman-free life? Or does she?

On to the cohabitating teens, Mac and J.T.. I read the rumor that the scribes wanted to take Mac in a new direction, hence the reason for the new face and form. Perhaps I'm the only one, but even with the new face, I'm finding it impossible to reconcile this new version with the history of the Mac we've been spoon fed for so many years. This man-hungry Mac #3 is too desperate with unbelievable behavior that is completely at odds with the character. And it's not a very pretty thing to watch. Kind of like a bulldozer ripping chunks out of a hill of debris. To be fair, though, she's only hungry for J.T., but it sure seems like she's trying too hard. Does their every conversation have to lead to an obvious play for him? I never thought the day would come when I would wish for Colleen's return to Genoa City and J.T.'s arms, but this new Mac incarnation has driven me to desperate wishes. The scribes may as well have just written Mac out of the City and brought in a new girl. Which is pretty much what this new Mac has amounted to.

There's plenty more that could be said (Like, citizens, lock up your doors and gullible daughters - Terrible Tom has come to town!) but the fans have a lot to say themselves this week, so I need to shut up so they can talk.

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CLARA - Yes Gloria lied about her sons but John still doesn't know Victor is Abby's daddy. If John knew who the sons were he never would have had that breath of fresh air. Gloria is in John's corner even though she lied about her sons. When Jack was with Phyllis and Ashley was with Brad they didn't spend time with their dad. They talk about Gloria being a gold digger. Well they just stay there to keep an eye on John's money themselves. Jack put Victor in Jabot's business long ago. Jack and Brad tried to steal Victor's company. How soon we forget.

JEAN - I am not really sure Jill will be Jabot's CEO. Katherine said to leave it up to Jack. I don't really think he wants Jill and we know he doesn't want Brad. Also the new Victoria doesn't have the fire of Heather Tom. A lot missing there.

AMY - I love the Fisher/Baldwin/Abbott story. This is one I will tune in to see. And with "Terrible Tom" out on the loose, it should get even more interesting. While it seems in some stories, Y&R's talent is over-abundant, in other areas it is incredibly lacking. The entire storyline between J.T. and his play friends is just beyond stupid. In one instance, we have J.T. acting like a sweet little girlfriend that wants to chat and eat bon bons with his dearest girl friend, Britt. In fact, he will dump any willing female to run and chat with his girlfriend. Next we have a NuMac. Totally NOT the Mac I know. What happened to Y&R consistency? This girl is the farthest thing from the Mac that I loved way back when Billy was on the scene. Is this honestly the same girl who wouldn't have sex with the love of her life? Well, move over old Mac because this one could have given it out at the Crimson Lights counter. Geez, and Y&R thinks I buy this stuff. Y&R needs to fix the mess they've made of the young adults! JMO.

MARY R - The Fisher-Baldwin sl is getting real depressing. Not only is Kevin father in town but MacKenzie seems to prefer J.T. to him. And I can't help but feel some sympathy for Gloria. I really think she care for John Abbott, but I don't see a happy ending there. In addition, I just can not stand to watch characters like Tom who are inherently evil. His character reminds of MacKenzie's father. I just hope he isn't on the show long. Michael may be the only one on there who may win something other than the lottery (Lauren).

MACARENA - Aw, I really hoped Victoria would run Jabot so she'd be competing with Nick. I didn't see Kevin's criminal behavior, but unlike most TV jerks, he is trying to change and he does have a moral compass, at least where his family is concerned. He couldn't keep the lottery ticket secret from Michael and defended Gloria when John was so nasty to her. I don't see the class division with the new Gloria. From the "looks" of it, she's just trying to keep a man. She appears to have low self-esteem, but if you knew nothing of the show, you wouldn't know why Ashley thinks she's a gold-digger. No one should blame Gloria for her sons' behavior unless they are prepared to also blame John for his morals skipping at least one generation. John's comments about Kevin were unacceptable, and Gloria shouldn't take that crap from anyone where her sons are concerned. Imagine if anyone rightfully condemned John's precious "Beauty"!

SANDI - I just remembered who the new Mac reminds me of -- the woman who 'discovered' J.T. and his short-lived signing career! I thought for sure that woman would make some moves on J.T., but it ended too quickly. Brittany is going to sit at the Club bar every time Bobby works? Doesn't she have anything else to do than wait for husband's shift to get over? My, my, my I agree with Angelo, we do see who the boss is in the family. I cannot see Bobby going along with her interjecting into conversations he is having with other men. Wait until mommy and daddy Hodges come in for dinner and drinks and their son-in-law waits on them.

ALISSA - Is it just me, or does Eric Braeden get better looking as he gets older? Same with Jerry Douglas! Now... on to the NuVictoria: I have three words to describe her - ugh, ugh, ugh! I fast-forward through every scene she's in. Yuck. Such a broody over-acting thing. And I can't stand her eyebrows either! And count me in on the anti-Mac replacement. Another three ughs for her. Now, when it comes to new Gloria, though: AWESOME! Judith Chapman really is a fantastic actress and I think she's added a lot to the show.

TARA - This Nu-Mac is absolutely ridiculous! I don't ever remember the Old-Mac actin' like a desperate, slutty ho-bag when it came to J.T.. She's a bit over-the-top, and I agree with the readers who say that she just doesn't pull off the virginal college-goer. I couldn't help but smile & snicker when Kevin stood up to Ashley's finger-pointing, brow-beating and finally her silly "apology." She is such a tired old rag. With the possibility that Mr. Marsino will be pulled back into the ugly foray of crime and debauchery (or at least tempted to be pulled), perhaps it also foretells the unraveling of that Father/Daughter, er, I mean Husband/Wife relationship. And is it just me, or does Angelo seem to have become a lot more sleazy than he was when he was just the bartender at Marilyn's? I've never been a Brittany-Bobby fan, and I think I'm scratchin' Ang off my list of likeables, too. If I hear one more person at Newman talk about what a "hard-worker" Drucilla is, I'm gonna scream. That woman is only spotted (and I mean briefly) with her butt in that office chair for 1 hour a week, if that. As crazy as it sounds, I kinda found Lily & Daniel a believable couple and was sorry to see it come to a (temporary) end. You know they'll start seein' each other behind the backs of the Mommy Dearests. And I'm sure Lily will find herself in trouble once again, only to be scarred for life by yet another BOY, because she doesn't have a brain in her bubbly head. What I don't understand is Jack & Jill's past relationship. I mean, haven't they slept together? But wasn't Jill at one time Jack's stepmother? Gross! That Abbott clan is incestual -- Ashley is Colleen's aunt, but she's also her step-monster?? I think I'm gonna like NuVictoria. She looks like a total morph of Anita Hodges and Denise Richards (the soon-to-be-former Mrs. Charlie Sheen). I think she'll give little brother a run for his money. Not sure if you're a Survivor fan, Nita, or if any of your fans are, but Jeff Wilson from Survivor Palau will make his acting debut on May 12 as none other than a POOL BOY for Kay and will supposedly become a new love interest for Mac! (Jeff was the boy that twisted his ankle and asked his tribe to vote him off because his injury would hurt the team.)