Who's the daddy?

After huffing, puffing and pushing mightily to finally get her Malcolm idol positioned precisely in the center of a porcelain pedestal, Lily has discovered he has smelly, clay feet.

Thanks to all of you for taking the time to inquire as to my well being after my recent family crisis. All is well and I sincerely appreciate your caring.

After huffing, puffing and pushing mightily to finally get her Malcolm idol positioned precisely in the center of a porcelain pedestal, Lily has discovered he has smelly, clay feet. Lily's possession of the printed results of the DNA test left Dru and Malcolm no more room to wiggle off the hook, forcing them to finally come clean about their months of contentious conspiracy. But instead of forgiving understanding, Malcolm's explanation as to how he came to be one of two possible fathers met with Lily's full and unbridled contempt. Even though many, many gallons of water have been poured under this particular bridge, Lily, like many of us, immediately spotted the treachery in Malcolm's 16-year old actions. Because even if Dru had been making moves on her husband's brother, a real man would never have taken her up on her offer. It wasn't as if he was under the influence of any mind-altering cold meds. The fact that Neil was said to be her Daddy seemed to be of no consolation to the distraught daughter, who not only pronounced her former carefree family life one big lie but also seems confused as to exactly who she really is.

But before the sibilant sound of my sigh of relief could fade completely away, I had to hurry and draw breath in preparation for a second exhale, this one accompanied by a furrowed frown of frustration as I learned that contrary to what the DNA test indicated, a second test said otherwise. As usual, Dru's manipulations have ejected her from the pot of boiling water straight into the flesh searing flames. If she was going to send in a bogus sample, why couldn't she just have left well enough alone? Nooo, she just had to know the answer for herself, so she has only herself to blame for what happens next.

With Lily already having trouble recognizing herself, just wait 'til she discovers Daddy is now Uncle and vice versa. I imagine she'll soon find the face in the mirror a complete stranger. Instead of hero worship and gushing accolades for her resurrected Malcolm, hatred and contempt are now the only emotions Lily can muster up. It can only be a matter of time until Neil coaxes the truth as she knows it from her. I don't know about all of you, but I'm disappointed in this particular outcome. Malcolm's visit to the City was only rumored to be a six month stint which ends in about two months, so what's the point of making him daddy? And what will he do now that he knows the truth? Since from the beginning, it's been all about what he wanted, what he needed and what he discovered was missing from his empty life, I'd be surprised if he decided to let Neil keep his Daddy illusions. I do give him props, however, for his selfless attempt to let the results remain forever a mystery by flinging the unopened envelope into the fire. Dru definitely should have let it burn baby burn. But she didn't. Now that the truth is out, even if both Malcolm and Dru decided to remain mum, I doubt either would be able to find an unbreakable lock to attach to Phyllis' forked tongue, who I expect will deduce from the looks on their guilty faces that Malcolm is indeed the Daddy. In my opinion, Dru would be better off coming clean and letting the chips fall where they may instead of chafing uncomfortably under that irritating tart's blackmailing rules. Just the thought of that meddling crow cawing raucously in the office as she forces Dru to bow and scrape before her makes my last nerve jump wildly in anticipated agony. By the way, I can't help but sneer at Phyllis' newly developed concern about truth in paternity issues. Where was all that integrity when it was her spawn she was trying to pass off as someone else's? I know it sounds vicious but what I wouldn't give for a double scoop of red ants and honey to pour atop her meddling head. In the unlikely event Phyllis suddenly began to act completely out of character by keeping her piggy snout out of things that don't concern her, Lily, with all Dru's past lectures about honesty and integrity ringing repeatedly in her head, probably couldn't live with the deception. So, if (or should I just go ahead and say when) the truth comes out, will that be the end of the Winters' clan as we currently know it? Whichever Winters drops this heartbreaking bag of dirty laundry on Neil's recovering head, I expect it will be impossible for him to handle. The loss of his daughter and his brother's betrayal? Even though the transgression happened a long time ago, I can't quite imagine Neil clapping Malcolm on the back, mumbling some trite phrase about letting bygones be bygones.

With all the wailing, hand wringing, breast beating, and bookcase banging, Devon, as usual, is far from almost everyone's mind. Will he ever get to celebrate his birthday? And will he ever feel like a real Winters and stop harping about being thrown back into group home obscurity?

Hoping to undo Jack's underhanded deal, Ashley enlisted Victor's aid to help sway Katherine from her decision to allow Jack to gather Jabot under CI's protective umbrella. But even the two of them pleading together, citing everything from friendship to family friendly fire weren't enough to budge Katherine from her position of power. She's majority shareholder of Jabot now and she's not about to give it back. Surprisingly, after all her ranting and raving, Ashley suddenly resigned herself to the inevitable, vowing to work her fingers to the bone to take Jabot places it had never been.

It seems that going places is very much on Nikki's mind these days. I'm just not completely sure she knows who she'd really like to accompany her. First of all, shame on Victor for implying his inability to fly off with Nikki to bask on a beach somewhere far from Genoa City is her fault for lining up directly behind Jack on his side of the Jabot tug of war rope. Unless there's another twist in his ponderous plot, Vic's duties at Jabot are most certainly done. So why couldn't he take a little time to soothe his bride's ruffled feathers. No, instead, he volunteered to fly off on Newman business to enable his son to spend time with his family at the expense of his own. I know he's still trying to win his way back into his ungrateful son's good graces, but he gets a solid black mark in his column for that particular decision. Now, for Nikki, the undisputed Sovereign of Self Pity. She spends an awful lot of her time plopped on her posterior pouring out all her problems on Bobby. And after their latest kiss, in spite of what she's continually been crying about, I'm not convinced Victor is the main man on her mind.

Even though we've reached the end of another scene in the long-running Victor-Jack feud, I doubt any fan believes we've reached the end of the miniseries. There is still plenty of fight left in these aging warriors; this is just a temporary cease fire while new alliances are formed. Jack, as usual, lacking any original ideas of his own that actually work, simply took Victor's, beginning his new reign as Jabot's new Emperor by deleting Victor's name from the memo of changes to come and inserting his own. And boy did I get a belly laugh at how quickly Jack tossed away his fake fondness for Nick, now that he no longer needs to use him. Nick seems to have lost all love for Jack as well, and I foresee Nick eager to carry the Newman-Jabot vendetta into the next generation.

In another traitorous development, when pushed by Kay, Jack took his buckets and poured muddy water all over Jill's happy little parade of pictures of herself lording it over Jabot employees, finally showing Jill the stipulation Kay chained to the Jabot deal, effectively locking her out of the building. No need to ask me if I felt sorry for Jill, because I confess I did not. So if not Jill, just who will be wielding the power from the CEO seat at Jabot? Ashley's already moved her nameplate to the laboratory door. Nikki's plainly wearied of the stress of corporate life and can only dream of idyllic days spent with Victor. That is, when she's not hankering hungrily for naughty nights with Bobby. If Katherine puts Brad in charge, I can get my cheap thrills watching him and Jack butt ego-enlarged heads. As long as it's not Victor, I don't really care. As for me, I'm glad Victor is out of Jabot. If there is any company infighting to be done, it may as well be carried out between Newman family members.

Jabot wasn't the only place fury was afire. Flaming accusations were being flung back at forth at the Abbott hostel as well. Jack began the hostilities by tattling to John about Gloria's secret treks onto enemy territory meeting with Jabot's public enemy number 1, although John quickly forgave her. In retaliation, Gloria threw down the gimmee gauntlet in the middle of the breakfast table, in effect demanding a continuation of her life of ease and luxury even if John isn't living it beside her. Both Abbott freeloaders, I mean, children, immediately grabbed up Gloria's gauntlet, tugging it back and forth between them while aiming poisoned arrows at Gloria's triumphant eyes. But John, having finally passed the fill line when it comes to his children's disrespect of his wife, threatened to send them out to find their own roofs if they couldn't control their taunting tongues. Silly John. He thinks he knows all there is to know about his breath of fresh air. Boy is he in for a very rude and unpleasant awakening. But, in defense of her actions, I think Gloria made a very valid point. Why shouldn't she look out for herself? Because she's right. Everyone else in GC certainly does. Of course, she probably could have saved herself the scorn and family hatred sure to be heaped upon her hapless head for her audacity. Because in Genoa City, no matter how faithless, fickle or faulty you are, no one ever leaves a relationship empty-handed. Just ask Jill, Brad (from his brief marriage to Cassandra), and Diane. The only reason Phyllis wasn't showered with Abbott spare change was because she didn't want it.

Despite her father's ultimatum, Ashley's took immediate steps to try to stop the gold-digger from harvesting her marital seeds. The counselor Ashley hopes will help her dig up some incriminating soil on her Daddy's object of desire? Michael Baldwin, who else? But much to Ashley's dismay, Michael refused to even glance in his tool box for a monkey wrench to toss into Gloria's plan to carve out a generous slice of the family pie for herself. With him or without him, however, Ashley is not expected to give up. Her next stop for help is likely to be the office of Genoa City's sometimes successful PI. With the recently released news that Gloria's ex, the Terrible Tomcat, has been cast, a soap veteran whom I heard is literally oozing with a particularly vicious strain of bad-man venom, this is one story that has plenty of explosive possibilities to look forward to. But, since he's not destined to appear until late April, I guess I'll just have to contain my anxious anticipation.

Speaking of comings and goings, with Angelo's down payment, the Marsino's are poised to shake the dust of this unfriendly city from their loafers and hop a jet to Chicago where they hope to live happily ever after far from my disinterested eyes and the disapproval of nearly everyone who knows them. Proving she can hold her own with Nikki when it comes to making things happen, Brittany has already found them a place of their own and all that's left is to sign on the dotted line and wire the cash. Of course, rental agreement or not, if J.T. has his way, his former roommate isn't going anywhere. Because in her best imitation of a needy, clinging vine, Nikki and Bobby took their flirtation further, and unknown to them, their passion was witnessed by J.T.. With the heat that scorched my television screen, if I didn't like Nikki and Victor together so much, I'd be the first one to shake my pom poms in support of a Nikki-Bobby link up. Any wagers as to how long before Brittany sees secondhand the passionate portrait J.T. saw through the Newman picture window? I'm guessing it won't happen right away, if ever. Likewise the move to Chicago.

Absence might not do a darn thing for me, but Damon's absence sure seemed to have made Adrienne's heart grow a whole lot fonder. Malcolm's far too busy sorting out the DNA debacle to have any free time for a frivolous flirtation with a virtual stranger, and Damon, after suffering through the painful sight of Adrienne plastering herself to Malcolm, isn't beating a path to Adrienne's door either, leaving Adrienne's hotel phone dead silent. Until Damon knows just which man Adrienne desires, he's obviously going to keep his heart nestled safely in his chest instead of pinning it in plain sight on his sleeve where she could knock it off and trample it under her heels.

Okay, fans, tell us how you really feel!

* * * * * * *

SARA - Not happy about Mac being re-cast! What's the point??!! The character is nothing without Ashley Bashioum - that was definitely proven the last time she left the show. The characteristics of the old Mac should not be compromised - yet they already have been to an extent. They should just introduce a new character instead of ruining a good one!

SELMA - I thought it was all settled about Lily's paternity after the conversation the 3 of them had about sample A & B. Then they had to go and show that there is another test, I really, really do not want to see another child on this show turning out to be the child of someone other than the parent they know. It was done with Ashley; John is not her natural father. Ashley's daughter is a product of stolen sperm. Danny's paternity of Daniel. Jill's paternity. There were doubts about little Phillip's paternity in the beginning if my memory serves me right. Even Victoria's paternity was a bit of a mystery all those years ago. I personally have had enough of these paternity stories. I wish they would leave Lily as Neil's daughter.

MARY R - I have to disagree with you. I did not find Jill handcuffing Katherine as funny or silly. It seems the soaps want to have it both ways. At times they want to talk about social issues such as child abuse other times they want to downplay them. Katherine has had a stroke. She could have had another. I suppose Jill will never pull a dastaradly stunt like that again. But, I still think it was an all time low for Y&R writers.

DANNAY - As usual, I LOVED you column this week. I always expect you to write something foolish and hilarious, but I was caught off guard by the comment below regarding Victor and Nick: ."..but I thoroughly enjoyed Victor putting Nick's crybaby donkey behind solidly in check. He deserved every scornful syllable Victor mumbled at him..." HA! HA! HA! I LAUGHED OUT LOUD AT WORK! Classic and Hilarious! And I couldn't agree more with you regarding your comments about Nikki. I wish she'd just go sit down somewhere! Talk about a whining crybaby! And fan Tara's comments had me gagging in laughter. I SOOOOOO needed this column this week. Thanks!

TARA - Nita, I thought my eyes were gonna bulge outta my head when Jack told Gloria straight up, in plain Ingles, "GET A JOB"! I subsequently thought Ashley was gonna choke on her perfectly peeled fresh fruit right at the breakfast table! That was a classic, and in my humble opinion, here's why: I work for a very large, well-known corporation in the midwest and I happen to be geographically located in the same, albeit very small, town as the global headquarters of said corporation. Although the company is headquartered here, the town is relatively microscopic in comparison. I also happen to call home a building with far too many highly-paid muckety-mucks, all of whom have "stay at home" wives. Some of these wives have small children to raise at home, while others have nothing more to do with their husband-less day than decorate and re-decorate their gargantuan mansions. These wives drive their minivans and Cadillac Escalades and Chevy Suburbans and Saabs all over town every day during MY lunch break; they clutter up the line at the post office every day during MY lunch break; they drive to the local Pier 1 to pick up their latest antique vase (pronounced vaaaaaase) every day during MY lunch break; they clog up the pharmacy at the local Kroger every day during MY lunch break; they sign up little Joey and little Janey for teeball every time I need to be there, during MY lunch break. They drive around, completely clueless, picking up dry cleaning, day in and day out, at the very same time I only have 1 hour to get my errands completed...and I couldn't tell you the countless times I've wanted to lay on the horn and show that Soccer Mom that she's #1 in my book (with the middle finger, of course) and tell her to either "GET A JOB!!!!!" or "Please do your running during the 2 o'clock hour, while I'm back at my desk slaving away for the Corporate Giant." Now don't get me wrong, I have all the respect in the world for the mom who is able, both financially and mentally, to stay home with her child/children every day. I'm sure she wouldn't trade her life for all the tea in China or all the beans in Boston. Nor do I envy her. I would have never been a "stay at home" mommy; I need my paycheck and my sanity. But I beg of you, please please please, Mommy, either stay outta my way while I'm on my lunch break...or GET A JOB! Whew, Nita! I feel as though a weight has been lifted! I knew I could count on you to listen to my issues!PATSY - Well, here goes my next rant. Nick finally got the comeuppance we have wanted, but it was not NEARLY brutal or final enough. I would love to see him tell Sharon, honey pack up your revealing rags, we are evicted. Nikki-WHAT the heck as happened to her. I have never seen such whining and carrying on in my entire life. Isn't this a grandmother? Where has her common sense gone?? Men work, and Most Women. What is this sudden need to have Victor surgically attached to her side? Totally out of character for Nikki, and please keep your hands off Bobby, I know he is cute, but he is MARRIED, even if we don't approve. Speaking of Bobby, I'm sorry but I predict a miscarriage in the future cause I just cannot see how adding a baby to this insane mix of B&B would help the SL. Personally I like Bobby, and given a good storyline I could watch, but since the ludicrous pairing with Ms. Priss, I just can't watch either of them. Some suggestions for writers, Phyllis, Kill her, or perhaps not so drastic, strike her dumb with an exotic illness for a few months, GIVE US A BREAK. Dru and Malcolm, slap Lily up the side of the head and maybe she will hush. If I have to hear her nasal little voice for an hour again, I WILL fast forward. I mean there are some interesting teens on soaps, but Lily isn't one of them. Give me more Devon, I like the kid. AND please you have dragged out the baby's daddy story long enough, by this point nobody gives a darn anymore. And, my final rant, WHAT a waste. Larry comes back (I have always liked the actor and character) and the best they could do was a few minutes with a saw, and then a pass at Jill? He always was a very interesting character and I felt had the potential to be a great storyline.