Mondays are tough. They’re like the fortune cookies of the week: you don’t ask for them, but they show up anyway, usually with some cryptic message that only makes sense after your third cup of coffee. But what if your cookie didn’t tell you to “seize the day” or “embrace change,” but instead hit you with the most random, hilarious, or brutally honest advice?
We’ve gathered 25 fortune cookie messages that will make you laugh out loud, cry a little, or just shake your head in disbelief. From unexpected life predictions to bizarre advertisements, these memes will, hopefully, turn your Monday blues into something akin to a funny Instagram feed on a topically relevant day.
When life gives you stale fortune cookies, they better at least make you laugh
1) The Thursday terror
This cookie doesn’t beat around the bush—literally. Forget predicting your success or future love life; this one has its sights set on something far more urgent (and potentially embarrassing). Maybe pack an extra pair of pants, just in case.
2) Election anxiety served hot
When you’re doing your best to avoid thinking about politics but your cookie prediction pulls you right back in. Talk about a snack with a message as subtle as a campaign ad. Thanks, now we’re all stressed again.
3) The hustle cookie
"Everything you desire must be earned – Panda Express."
Leave it to a fast food snack to give you a pep talk when you’re already procrastinating. Sure, I was going to relax, but now I feel guilty. The cookie has spoken—time to get to work!
4) Procrastination karma
Wait too long to open your fortune cookie, and the universe punishes you with generic optimism. The only thing falling into place is the realization that your Wednesday might be a trainwreck, but hey, trust the process, right?
5) Posture police
"Practice good posture for better health and confidence."
Nothing like a little backhanded compliment from your dessert. You’re here for a light treat, and the cookie calls you a slouch. Fine, fortune cookie, I’ll sit up straighter. Happy now?
6) High times, higher wisdom
You know you’re in trouble when your fortune cookie hands out language lessons. After a particularly “baked” stroll, you come home to find your fortune cookie has gone full multilingual, reminding you to focus while you’re floating.
7) Financial fortunes
This fortune gives you hope for your future… in exactly one month. Hang in there, because apparently, December is when your wallet gets a glow-up. Until then, it’s instant noodles and water for dinner.
8) Mental health cookie
Wow, when your cookie knows you better than your therapist. This one comes with a serious side of self-care, making it clear that even fortune cookies believe in the power of therapy. Good advice, though!
9) The lazy prophet
"Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now."
Why is this the most relatable thing ever? It knows exactly how we all feel on a Monday. It’s essentially permitting you to nap—who doesn’t love instant gratification?
10) Half-baked message
Is this fortune cookie trying to tell you something, or is it just a misprint? Either way, this half-hearted message leaves you wondering if your opportunities are arising or just half-baked, like this cookie.
11) The void cookie
When you open your cookie and there’s no message inside, it’s like the universe just shrugged at you. You’ve got no future, no advice, nothing. How’s that for a sign?
12) The optimistic cookie
This one’s trying so hard to be uplifting that you almost feel bad for not believing it. At least the message is cute. Whether it happens or not? Well, that's another story.
13) Nostalgia bomb
You thought you were getting ancient wisdom, but instead, your fortune cookie transported you back to the early 2000s. This might be the worst form of time travel ever, but at least you’ll have a killer soundtrack.
14) Older sister advice
This one gets it.
15) The karaoke cookie
"Sing and you will feel lighter."
This one’s basically telling you to embrace your inner diva. Whether you’re belting it out in the shower or karaoke, the cookie guarantees you’ll feel like a feather—if not from joy, then at least from embarrassment.
16) Waymo Wonderland
Nothing like being reminded of your autonomy through a self-driving car ad. The cookie’s trying to be deep, but it just feels like a weird corporate fortune-telling moment. Thanks, Waymo?
17) Empty cookie, empty future
At this point, we’re starting to think the cookie factory just gave up on us. Twice in a row with no fortune? It’s either bad luck, or we’re seriously in a simulation.
18) Enemy alert
Your cookie just went full Game of Thrones. “Watch your back” is an understatement with this one. Now you’re paranoid and side-eyeing your coworkers. Thanks for the heads-up, cookie.
19) Coconut wisdom
"Coconuts have water in them."
Well, thank you, cookie, for this groundbreaking revelation. It’s like your messenger just gave up and started spitting out trivia instead of advice. Maybe next time, we’ll get a peek into your real and true destiny.
20) The wine whisperer
This cookie knows you better than you know yourself. Whether it’s red, white, or rosé, the message is here to let you know that a glass of wine is destiny. Cheers to that.
21) Hunger games
That level of brutal honesty kinda hurt! You thought that takeout would satisfy your cravings, but nope—this cookie knows that you’ll be rummaging through the fridge in no time.
22) The Arby’s prophecy
Talk about a dark turn. This cookie skips the pleasantries and goes straight for existential dread. Maybe avoid road trips to Ohio for a while, just to be safe.
23) Election edition
Election season got you down? This cookie has the answer: mix it up! It’s not exactly hopeful, but at least it’s got a sense of humor about democracy.
24) Waymo, again
What’s more inspiring than ancient proverbs mixed with modern car ads? Apparently, your future involves self-driving cars and a thousand-mile road trip. The cookie has spoken—now, who’s filling up the tank?
25) Costar version
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That's kinda....brutal.
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