My Soapy Grownup Christmas List

As we get older, our holiday wants change. Willow wants to find her mom, fans want a Sprina kiss under the mistletoe, Nikolas wants a divorce, the PCPD really wants to wrap up the Hook killings, and Elizabeth is not having a miracle baby. They're gifts you can't find in the mall, and one size doesn't fit all, but in Two Scoops, none of that matters.

Dear readers, I don't know about you, but I don't trust a jubilant, smiling Esme gleefully banana-clipping an angel onto her Christmas tree. Perhaps that angel used to have a hook at the other end before the tree-trimming party. Call me a cynic, but I don't think pregnancy hormones are potent enough to turn a psycho like Esme into a Christmas angel.

I've never seen Esme so serene or docile as we did yesterday as she was rockin' around her Christmas tree.

Esme seemed genuinely happy to see Nik and Liz; frankly, it scared me a little. I may be completely wrong. Maybe Esme is delighted by Christmas, and it's magically transformed her into a real girl. However, it's possible (although not probable) that she is the Hook. That one scene doesn't eliminate her as a suspect for me.

That having been said, the Hook has struck again, and Rory is now a permanent Snory. Whoever was at the other end of the Hook laid waste to Officer Cabrera. I would like to tell you that I am sad he is dead because that would be the compassionate response. However, Rory was in the way of Spencer and Trina (#Sprina4ever) getting together, so my reaction was a little more, "See ya, wouldn't want to be ya." Exactly how long does one have to mourn their dead cop boyfriend before they can kiss their one true love under the mistletoe?

Before you get mad at me, read on... Michael Blake Cruse played a very nice, decent, and honorable character. Rory believed in Trina and supported her when everyone in town thought she was guilty. I do not dislike the actor or even the character he played; I just wanted him out of the way of true love. He was nothing to me but an obstacle keeping my tortured lovers apart. If they had given Rory to Sasha to help her through losing Brando, I'd have been okay with him. But alas, his fate was final and bloody.

My very funny co-scooper Liz said, "Dude showed up to a hook fight with a gun and still managed to lose. He deserves to die." And since that line made me spit out my coffee, laughing, I decided you needed to read it, too, since it wasn't her week to scoop, and it deserved a wider audience. You're welcome.

Now that we know that Esme is the love child of two lunatic serial killers, Ryan and Heather, we can't rule Esme out, even if it seems she couldn't have escaped from her prison tower. But it is doubtful. So, who is the Hook? There is a plethora of potential suspects! Heather can easily sneak in and out of anywhere they have ever kept her. Ryan, who isn't locked in, proudly shows Heather he can stand. The demon Deputy Mayor. Esme's mystery nanny. Liz with D.I.D. episodes? Did we ever determine that Liz does not have a split personality? Austin's creepy cousin Mason --- we have no idea what he's doing when not skulking around the hospital corridors.

There are so many characters I can imagine going off the deep end with a hook, it's hard to pin it down. It would be hilarious if the Hook turned out to be someone like Willow, who everyone thinks is a saint. But of those suspects, Heather makes the most sense to me. She's crazy. Heather is an escape artist. She would want to hurt anyone who has hurt her daughter Esme. Plus, Alley Mills is doing such a spectacular job with Heather Webber. I want to see her in a hundred more scenes.

Side note. I am unsure if serial killer is the proper term for Heather. She has killed multiple people over the past four decades, but it's not like Ryan. Heather kills people who get in her way or wrong her somehow, unlike Ryan, who has a pattern of killing pretty girls. Would Heather still be considered a serial killer? I'm not up on murder etiquette, so if there's another term I should use, like homicidal maniac or something, message me on Twitter -- if it's still standing by next week. When you are bored, google "Crimes of Heather Webber." There are like four pages of crimes, and they are hilarious. Like this one, "Tried to get Spencer Cassadine and Cameron Webber to kill Carly by telling them that she was a Chupacabra; failed as they ran off -- Jan 31, 2014." (You can check her out on our site here https://www.soapcentral.com/general-hospital/whoswho/heather.php)

But back to sanity. Readers, Tabyana Ali got enough material for her Emmy reel this week. Her performances all week long were passionate and perfect. Trina's scenes where she tells Ava that Rory is everything she *should* want but doesn't. Her scenes with Joss, trying to unravel her feelings and admitting to herself that she loves Spencer were beautiful to watch. But when Rory was killed by the Hook, Trina's passion went to another level. Trina's spiraling grief and breathless shock were heart wrenching to watch.

I hope someone took Tabyana out after work and sat with her while she bandaged up the wounds she opened to give us that powerhouse performance. (I started to say I hoped someone took her out for cocktails, but I see she's underage, so I had to rewrite.)

I can't talk about Trina without talking about Spencer. Even if Uncle Victor only sprung Spencer from prison to get him away from Uncle Cyrus, I'm so glad he did it. I want Spencer in any way I can get him. If he's rifling through the booze at Wyndemere, bantering with his cousin Cam, or mooning over Trina, I want it all. Nicholas Chavez is so compelling. Mr. Chavez has something extraordinary in common with Maura West -- he is fully present in every scene. He has chemistry with everyone. Spencer broke my heart several times this week. For instance, when Spencer told Trina that he knows how it feels to miss people, but nobody ever misses him, I had to get out the tissue box. And Trina was *thisclose* to telling Spencer she loved him, and then stupid Rory had to go and die.

And I can't neglect the poignant and beautiful scenes he shares with his grandma, the Queen of Daytime, Genie Francis. I love their scenes together. In Spencer's heart, he believes that Laura is the only one who genuinely loves him. I love her tender, encouraging conversations with him when she tells him how good he is. He doesn't believe it, but her belief in him helps Spencer hang on. Like this exchange -- Spencer: What have I ever done to make you have faith in me? Laura: During Trina's trial, you knew that if you gave her an alibi that it might end up putting you in prison. But you testified anyway. I believe in that young man.

I pray that I am that kind of grandma to my grandkids. One of my granddaughters saw me, ran into my arms, and said, "My one true Nana!" since she was tiny. Now she's 19 and still calls me up and says that. It melts my heart. Grandma and grandkid love is the best.

I was also very moved by the Nikolas and Laura scene where he said the beautiful line, "Let's go someplace for five minutes where I can forget I'm a Cassidine, and you can forget that you're the mayor." Isn't that something anyone can relate to? You just want one safe space where the world's expectations fall away, and you can be your true, vulnerable self. I feel bad for Nikolas, even though he was a total idiot to sleep with Esme. Whenever I think about it, I still have a powerful "Ew" reaction. But I remember the prince of old, and I hope that decent, good man is still in there somewhere and that he can become that better version of himself again. But he needs an Emily who appeals to his better nature to get there. If Holly was still alive, maybe Emily could be, too. Hey, Natalia Livingston, what are you up to these days?

Readers, it's a shame that Ava and Spencer hate each other because it would be fitting if they had a "revenge-on-Nik" hookup. I mean, Ava has a thing for younger guys. Just ask Morgan. Oh, wait, you can't. He's dead. But I do see a possibility of Finn and Ava hooking up. Ava already slept with his doppelgnger Silas Clay, so we know he is her type.

I teared up a little this week when Spencer and Prince Nikolas (played by the dashing Marcus Coloma) had that tender scene about the baby bird book they read together when Spencer was a kid. I want Nik and Spencer to reunite, but when Spencer finds out his dad slept with his girlfriend, we will be back at square one. Think about that. Esme's child will be Spencer's little brother or sister. His crazy ex-girlfriend will be in his life forever. (Or at least for three years until her contract runs out.) Unless, of course, GH plans to give us another dead Christmas baby storyline. I hope not. I really want to meet Ace. I would not mind seeing Ryan and Heather as grandparents. It's got a ton of storyline potential for decades to come.

GH's four main young adult characters, Cam, Joss, Trina, and Spencer, are the best we have seen since Liz, Lucky, Nikolas, and Emily were their age. We can add Esme in there, too. Even though she's the villain, she's fantastic at it.

William Lipton's Cam is the sweetest guy, and I am so worried for him right now because Joss is about to dump him because she has feelings for Dex. If you're a Gilmore Girls fan, it's like when Rory dumped her perfect boyfriend Dean for bad boy Jess and then regretted it when Jess was a jerk to her. I predict that one day, Dex will be in some scary mob trouble. Joss (played by the phenomenal Eden McCoy) will say, "Remember when I was dating Cam, and he was so sweet and perfect, and then I dumped him for Dex because I was bored? What was I thinking?" Bank on it. I did that myself a time or seven when I was young.

Not only is Cam in for a bumpy ride in his love life, but he's also about to get shocked when he hears that his mother is pregnant with Nikolas' baby. She isn't, of course, but that's the spin Liz and Nik took to cover up the fact that they are hiding Esme. There's a lot of speculation that Liz and Nik will try to pass off Esme's baby as their own and tell Esme that her baby died. Can anyone say Jonah rerun? Esme isn't dumb enough to fall for it, though. She will hunt down Ace like a homing pigeon.

What do you suppose Nik plans to do with Esme after she gives birth? Since Avery Pohl is on contract, I don't think they will kill her off. Will they make peace? Will they co-parent? If Laura discovers what her son has done, I assure you, she will pressure him to do the right thing and treat Esme like family. Esme still has the potential to change for the better with the right influence in her life.

Perhaps since Liz and Nikolas discovered today that the Hook killed someone while Esme was locked up, they will try to buy her silence and let her go? I can't figure out how this will all unravel.

Liz said to Nik, "You gave up Ava, and I gave up Finn, and maybe we didn't need to do that. Maybe it was for nothing." But truthfully, it was not for nothing. The writers may have heard us about the pairings we aren't keen on and are looking for creative ways to break them up. Austin and Maxie are on the outs, Britt and Cody are on the outs, and Finn and Liz are on the outs. I love Nik and Ava, but Ava and Victor partnering up is exceptionally enticing to my imagination. Also, Cody is buddying up to Maxie, but since we know he is Mac's son, it might make Christmas awkward if he and Maxie dated. I can't decide.

Another couple the writers are trying out makes me dozy -- Gregory and Alexis. When Alexis said, "It would be best if all of our conversations don't turn into TED Talks," I shouted, "Amen!" at my TV. Snorezzzville.

Finn and Alexis have WAY more chemistry together. Would it break some A.A. rule to have your A.A. confidant as your lover? If so, find a new sponsor and get it on already. Love in the afternoon. Chop chop. Alexis hasn't been with anyone since Neil died in her bed. I mean, I understand her unwillingness to have sex again. Still, now that she knows it was Harmony who killed him and not her animalistic lovemaking, it might be safe for her to get back into bed with someone.

Carly paid the commune chick off to lie to Drew and say that the woman who gave birth to "Kali" and sold her to Harmony was dead. I can hardly wait until the day Drew finds out that Carly has been lying to him about Nina being Willow's birth mom and promptly kicks her to the curb. Does Carly think she is doing this to protect Willow, or is she just covering her own ass for lying about it? If Willow knew that Nina was her mom, if Carly told her, Willow could say, "Wow, thanks for telling me, but no, I don't want Nina in my life," and never tell Nina the truth. Give Willow the info and let her decide. But in this circumstance, Willow would suck it up and let Nina in because she needs her bone marrow to live. It's a soap. The bone marrow will match.

This storyline is driving me mad. None of it makes any sense. I can almost understand Willow not telling anyone about her cancer until after the first trimester, but now that Michael knows, tell everyone. Let your family and friends rally around to support you. Wiley isn't an idiot; he can see that Mommy has giant black circles under her eyes and looks like the Grim Reaper is coming for her, whether you tell him you're sick or not. Not to mention the mid-afternoon fainting.

Finn is sick but in a different way. He trashed his lab and then headed to Charlie's. He was so leveled by Liz telling him she was pregnant with Nik's baby that he ordered a drink and nearly blew up his sobriety. Thankfully, Alexis found him and talked him down. (Dear GH writers, please listen to my wisdom and couple these two up posthaste.)

Across town, Nina and Sonny were canoodling and frolicking around and talking about her being a mother figure to Donna. I threw up a little in my mouth. Gross. I should support her in her quest to find a place in a blended family, as I am a stepmom. But I didn't trick my husband into marrying me when he had amnesia or lie to him for a year about not knowing who he was, so there's that.

When Nina and Sonny stumbled onto Aunt Liesl beating the hell out of a punching bag at Volonino's gym, Nina convinced Liesl to confess what was troubling her. Sonny overheard Liesl tell Nina about Britt's Huntington's disease and stepped in to offer support. At first, Liesel was furious that Sonny was eavesdropping. Still, when he talked to her from his heart about Mike's Alzheimer's and the struggle of watching someone you love suffer, she softened and gladly received his words of comfort.

That's the thing about Sonny. We know he's a mobster. We know he's the guy who will hang you from a meat hook if you cross him. But then, there is this tender side of him that loves and supports people so well, this giant heart beating inside his mobster's chest, and we can't help but forget all his crimes for a minute.

Readers, I love Maurice Benard. I love him as Sonny, I love him as Mike, and I love him in real life on his State of Mind YouTube channel. I love his transparency about all he has been through. I love the platform he gives others to share their stories and experiences. I loved his character Sonny with Brenda, his fling with Alexis, and all the many variations of Carly. But I don't like Sonny with Nina. I don't think I ever will. I want it to stop. If Nina were to die in surgery saving Willow's life, I would hail her heroic sacrifice and bid her a fond farewell. They can bring the delightful Cynthia Watros back as a new brunette character a year from now. Just like they did Sarah Joy Brown when she went from being Carly to being Claudia Zachara. That's my two cents.

My favorite romantic couple right now is Anna and Valentin. And in tribute to my friend Steve Holley, I write, "In Zaanse Schans, Netherlands today," Anna and Valentin are on the run and making good use of their time by turning their investigation of Lucy's shooting into an opportunity for romance.

God help me, but James Patrick Stuart melts me in romantic scenes. How he looks at his romantic partners is how we all want to be looked at by our lovers, yet the intensity of it is terrifying. If someone looked at you the way Valentin looked at Anna yesterday, if someone spoke those passionate words with eyes blazing right into your face, wouldn't it make you collapse? It's so perfect and beautiful to watch. Imagine being in a relationship with someone who adores you the way Valentin adores Anna. It unnerves me. But in the best way possible.

I have loved Finola Hughes since I saw her in Staying Alive opposite John Travolta. She coldly spat out, "Everybody uses everybody." Diva! Anna Devane is one of my favorite female characters on GH. I love this pairing between her and Valentin because they are both capable of dark and light. They know each other's flaws and strengths so well, there is no need to hide. Valentin still has that one secret that he's the French lieutenant that framed Jennifer Smith, but that's a little secret. I could watch these two every day. I want them to find Lucy, but if they are stuck hiding out in Zaanse Schans, Netherlands, for a week or two, I won't be mad.

What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will the Hook kill Santa before he can deliver toys to all the little children of Port Charles and beyond? Will the nurses at GH throw a baby shower for Liz and make her super uncomfortable? Will Liz borrow Brook Lynn's baby bump pillow to fake a pregnancy? Will Nik and Liz sleep together to see if he can impregnate her for real to keep their cover going? Will Wiley wonder why Mommy looks like a Christmas zombie?

Will the guard at Spring Ridge get fired for letting one psycho visit another in a closed cell? Will Maxie take over planning Britt's birthday party and make it a fabulous bash for the ages? Will Brad become a rival mob boss to Ms. Wu once he inherits Britt's money? Will the writers please give us a Spixie reunion for Christmas? Will Austin have Society Setups find him a new match, since Maxie is done with him?

Will Drew let it slip to Carly that Willow is sick, or is he a good secret keeper? Will Dante be the only beat cop on the PCPD, since Rory died and Chase is banned from serving, or will Brook Lynn perform a Christmas Cop Rock miracle? (I want to randomly throw out there that I love Dante, and Dominic Zaprogna is an asset to every scene he is in.)

Will Cam and Spencer become roomies once Spencer is off house arrest? Will Maxie hear herself defending Spinelli and realize she still loves him? Will it dawn on her that nearly every other guy she has dated (except Saint Nathan) has been a worm? Will Liesl step in to become Terry's co-chief of staff when Britt leaves? I miss her at GH! Will Spencer sucker-punching Dex land him back in jail? Will Brad be able to find a new BFF when Britt goes? (I think he and Maxie might be a hoot together.)

Will Victor give Ava the kind of divorce settlement she wants or make her an even better offer, like a marriage proposal? A New Year's Eve revenge wedding at Wyndemere could be delightful. Will anyone still be alive to reach the Christmas Story to the kids at GH by Christmas Eve? I'll be back in two weeks with my hits and misses of 2022. Liz is up with her picks next week and I hope you'll give her column a read!

Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, and I will tune in tomorrow as long as there are tomorrows.Tamilu

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