Wake up, little Ozzie, wake up

Doctors and cops committing crimes, dead heroines have secret kids who lived in barns, no one is getting it on, and so much more in this week's Two Scoops

Dear readers, sometimes my columns are sweetness and light, a genuine love letter to GH and its entire cast. Other times, not so much. Today will be the latter. GH is frustrating me right now. On the chance it is frustrating you, too, I will discuss my opinions with you as a bit of free therapy.

First off, a handy tip. Use this column to play a weekend drinking game. Go fill up a glass with your favorite beverage and take a sip every time I use the word "chemistry." I am locked in on chemistry right now. Is there a light in someone's eyes when they look at each other? Do they look like they want to rip each other's clothes off when you see them? I dig that. I want that.

After that handy tip, let's begin. Oz. Apparently, Trina's entire fate solely depends on a sleazy dude who sells black-market phones. If he doesn't wake up from his coma, there is no hope for her. We had one episode of Portia and Curtis in the hallway, saying, "I have to wake Oz up." "But how will you get in?" "I don't know, but I must wake him up!" "If you wake him up, you could lose your medical license." "I know, but I have to wake him up! "How will you get in? There's a cop at the door." I don't know, but I must wake him up!" on repeat for like 20 minutes. I wanted them to wake Oz up, get caught, and go to jail so I didn't have to hear that conversation anymore.

My husband, who pretends not to watch GH, said, "Even if the guard walks away from his post, doesn't GH have security cameras like every other hospital in America? When I visited our cousin in the hospital, I had to go through like five checkpoints to get to her. And there were cameras everywhere." He's not wrong.

Sonny has tampered with the jury, Portia is trying to bring Oz out of a coma before he's ready, Esme is either dead or on the run, and Spencer sacrificed his freedom to save her, but Trina's fate is still in the hands of the jury. If I were on the jury and the actual victims of the crime, Cam and Joss, were testifying on Trina's behalf, I would have had enough reasonable doubt to vote "Not Guilty" without all the shenanigans from everyone in Trina's orbit.

Am I wrong? Seeing the entire town lined up to say how wonderful Trina was, witnessing the actual victims of the sex tape defend Trina, and seeing how Spencer sent himself back to prison to give her an alibi had an impact. Wouldn't you believe she was innocent if you were on the jury? So, to spend an entire episode debating whether or not to wake up Oz was not compelling drama, in my humble opinion.

But, as my friend Max Updates GH noted, everyone is going to jail these days -- like Cody, Sasha, and Spencer. So, Portia and Trina could end up as cellmates if things go south. Jordan, the chief of police, paved the way for Portia to sneak into Oz's room. Hopefully, it will all have the desired outcome, and Spencer and Trina won't be in the crazy coed prison together.

Side question: when do you think Portia will confess that Curtis is Trina's real dad? Portia got very squirrely when Marshall's mental health issues came up. She was worried about it being hereditary, and I think that was on Trina's behalf instead of Curtis'. Just an observation.

Another bone I must pick with GH is rewriting history. So, the writers expect me to believe that sweet angelic Dominique had a secret child and ditched him in the barn with the help? Nope. Not having it.

In the entire history of GH, Dominique was Scott's one true perfect love, the sweetest of romances and the saddest of endings. They had mesmerizing chemistry. I have watched GH since the late '70s. Yeah, I'm old, I know. But the trouble with having a 45-year history of watching this show is that I remember 45 years' worth of storyline. When they rewrite it, I am uncomfortable with having to crazily defend long-deceased fictional soap characters, because I'm a little nutty, and I don't like Dominique's memory tarnished.

Cody punching Scott made no sense. Scott had no idea Cody existed, and his daughter, Serena, inherited money from her mom and spent it saving whales. So, punching Scott achieved what? Less punching and more kissing, please. I thought Liesl was going to choke Cody out for hitting her Schnitzel. If I haven't said so recently, I adore Kathleen Gati. I pity Cody if he takes on Scott. Liesl will give him the Peter August treatment and tie him up in the woods somewhere.

Apparently, the Faison thing that lit up Cody's eyes when he found out Britt was Faison's daughter is that his birth daddy and Caesar worked together. I think they are aiming for a storyline where Cody cozies up to Britt to get info about Faison, but he will accidentally fall for her.

I hope Jason returns from the dead before that happens, so Britt doesn't end up with Horse Thug.

Spinelli is pretending to be in love with Britt, and I hope that is over now that Cody's big secret is out. Spinelli still loves Maxie. Readers, Spinelli and Maxie, have more chemistry as friends than Maxie and Austin have as supposedly a new romantic couple. I love Roger Howarth and have adored him since his One Life to Live days, and he has chemistry with nearly everyone. But not with Kirsten Storms. I don't know why. Same with her. I adore Kirsten, but she has zero chemistry with Austin, and the more the relationship is pushed on us, the more painful it is to watch. Especially considering how much chemistry Austin has with Britt or Liz had with Franco. There are better uses for Roger than as part of a passionless couple.

And seriously, if I were Maxie and had dated Levi Dunkleman and Peter August, I would beeline to my safe, faithful, baby daddy Spinelli.

Okay, a little more venting. Anticipation. I understand the concept of making the audience wait for a payoff. But readers, I think baby Louise will be three before Brooke Lynn and Chase do it. These two have been hot for each other for a year and have done nothing about it. Either of them. They have a sweet, playful chemistry, but we haven't seen it explode yet, and I want to. Can you imagine two grown-ass adults who desire each other never making their move? They treat these two people as junior high students afraid of being rejected at a dance. It's driving me mad.

Spencer and Trina have been a slow burn, too, but that one was better written. Spencer and Trina had an obstacle to overcome named Esme Prince. Esme stood in their way. Esme purposely turned Spencer against Trina. Esme wreaked havoc. But Chase and Brook Lynn have had no such spoiler in their path.

Where is Esme? Dead in the water? No, of course not. We know she's under contract. So, what is the soapiest choice? Is she A) Suffering amnesia and in a cabin in the woods with some weirdo nursing her back to health? B) In the catacombs of Wyndemere, plotting her revenge, soon to pop out unexpectedly and stab someone? C) Living under her daddy's bed at Spring Ridge and hoping no one notices? D) Sleeping around with a plethora of men to get pregnant so she can claim she has a baby prince? E) Waiting in the wings at the courthouse, where she will confess to what she has done so she can go to Pentonville with Spencer?

Who knows, it may be something completely different, but I am waiting for her to pop up again because she's just fun to watch.

But --and I know some of you will hate me for this, but here goes... Do you know who is not fun to watch? Sonny and Nina. Some call them Sona, but I call them Sonora. Zzzzzz. I wish Vanessa Marcil would return as Brenda and steal Sonny from Nina. Or Carly -- Laura Wright or any ghost of Carlys past. Or either version of Kate Howard. Maurice had chemistry with like a dozen former leading ladies. Mike and Nina were a little okay to watch, but Sonny and Nina didn't do it for me. Sonny is more passionate about Jason in their bromance than with Nina. Sonny had more passion in his hatred for Jax than for Nina. I sometimes wonder if it would be different if Nina was still Michelle Stafford. But I can't see that, either, because I think that Nina will always belong to Valentin.

Also, I can't talk about Sonny and chemistry without highlighting the person he had the most chemistry with this week, Lexi Ainsworth as Kristina. Whenever Lexi is on, the Internet goes wild with praise and adoration. If I were a TV producer and saw that my audience loved an actor or a character, I would give them more scenes and bring them front and center. Lexi Ainsworth never phones it in. She is always engaged and always believable and has chemistry with everyone. The Sonny/Kristina scenes always make me cry. My dad was a tough guy, the kind of dad where if I came home crying, my dad was hopped up, offering to go punch someone for me. So, when I see Sonny being tender with Kristina, it always gets to me. All that rambling to say, please use Lexi more.

Let's move on to another slow-burn romance. Anna and Valentin have loads of chemistry, but we get more scenes of Anna saying she doesn't trust him than scenes of Anna and Valentin doing it. I would like to reverse that. Although, as chemistry goes, the sisterhood of Anna and Felicia is quite delightful.

Ava and Nikolas had chemistry, but it's been squashed by Esme's schemes. I think they can get it back. But at the rate GH is going, it could be years before they reunite. I don't care how many years it's been, but the fact that the writers have made Nina and Ava friends still drives me nuts. Nina cut Ava's baby out of her and kidnapped her child. Can you imagine ever having cocktails and giggling with someone who did that to you? Yeah, me neither.

Readers, Carly said she's taking it all back, and I am rooting for her. I want Carly to take everything from Nina. If Carly wants Sonny, let her break up Sonny and Nina. If Carly wants Drew, let her have Drew, and Sonny can be enraged when he sees them kissing. If Carly wants Jason, let him come back from the dead and pick Carly over Sonny.

At first, I wanted Carly to lose. I wanted to see her alone. I wanted her to deal with life without a rescuer. She has done that and sailed through loss and trials with a smile still on her face. Now I want her to get everything. The hotel, the money, the men, all the grandkids, everything. I don't care if Nina is Willow's mom. I want Willow to reject her, anyway. I want Sonny to come to his senses and walk away.

Watching Alexis, Nik, and Victor having a Cassadine meeting was fun, but I still want to know what Victor's ultimate secret plan is and what he is up to. Why did he need to kill Luke to do it? When will we ever find out? Like everything else, the answers drag on and on. Like how we waited for months to find out Marshall's big secret, only to find out it was just that he battles with mental health issues. A little anticlimactic. Give me a giant diamond that controls the weather or a pterodactyl egg mixed with a dragon. Make it something genuinely soapy insane.

What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Is Lulu like Beetlejuice, and now that they have said her name three times, she will come out of her coma right after Sam and Dante move in together? Will we find out what Austin's secret errand is in Pautuck, or will we not hear mention of his weird little town for another three months? Will Martin let Anna blackmail him with the fear of his many ex-wives into betraying Valentin? Will Valentin take Drew up on his offer to get Victor out of the way so Charlotte can come home as an 18-year-old beauty that complicates the teen scene?

Will Joss's crush on Dex end up with Sonny having to rescue her from Dex's out-of-control temper? Will any couple on GH actually get to have sex next week? Will I play my own drinking game where I do a shot every time Britt says of Cody, "He's not my boyfriend?" Will Valentin and Drew be the new GH bromance since Sonny and Jason's tragic end? Will Jordan have to arrest herself for falsely pulling the elevator alarm in a hospital?

Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, and I will tune in tomorrow as long as there are tomorrows.Tamilu

What are your thoughts on General Hospital? What did you think of this week's Two Scoops? We want to hear from you -- and there are many ways you can share your thoughts.