And it all goes up in flames

Setting fires in a friend's fireplace, floating bodies, getting knocked out by giraffe statues... it's been a loopy week in Port Charles. Let's discuss in this week's Two Scoops.

Dear readers, I begin today with a query. Suppose you were a houseguest in someone else's home, and let's presume you like this person and consider them a friend. Would you torch their fireplace to burn documents linking you to murder? What if your generous friend giving you shelter was the person to discover the dead body, and the police were already suspicious of their relationship with the deceased?

I thought this story with Alexis and Harmony was about redemption. Oh, I'm such a nave little bunny. It's about murder. And my guess is that Alexis will get sucked into Harmony's crimes, and they will both end up as cellmates in Pentonville before it all gets straightened out.

But with that having been said, Neil's brother Brendon kind of had it coming. He took his deceased brother's medical files and used them to blackmail Neil's former patients for financial gain. And if he had read Harmony's file to see she was the right hand of a demented cult leader who drugged and raped women, Brendon should have known who he was messing with.

When people are walking around Port Charles, I never see cliffs. But then, when someone needs to die, cliffs magically appear out of the landscape. At least he didn't get pushed over the footbridge. That place should be permanently blocked off as a hazard.

So, Harmony is about to torch all her secret files in Alexis' fireplace, and Carly just busted into Alexis' home? Who does that? "Well, I knocked on my friend's door and screamed her name multiple times, and she didn't answer, but I see her roommate's car in the driveway, so I'll just let myself in." I can hardly wait to hear Harmony try to explain to Carly what she is doing. Or maybe Harmony won't try to explain and will just pull out that syringe of drugs she carries in her handbag, inject Carly with it, and put her down like an old Schnauzer.

I blame Willow for all of this. If she had just been able to keep track of her damned fake birth certificate, we could have avoided this entire storyline.

The secret of Willow's real birth mother is coming out, and my guess is it will happen in the next few weeks for May Sweeps. And I am here for it. I am so excited for Katelynn MacMullen to get some juicy material to play. Watching her wrestle with this revelation will be "must-see TV." But while Willow is going through all this, will Michael be there for her? His hatred for Nina is absolute, so will he ever be able to open the door to thinking kindly of Nina as a mother-in-law someday? I can't imagine that.

Michael will have a lot to deal with because if Drew convinces Ned to merge ELQ with Aurora Media, Michael may not be CEO anymore. But it won't make any difference in his day-to-day life because he basically just sits at home all day with Willow and Wiley and never goes to the office, anyway.

I like this idea for Drew because he needs a storyline other than being everyone's free therapist. But man, do I love Cameron Mathison's energy on the show. He is such a welcome addition. But Drew has potential beyond the stories he has been given. I am still a little peeved that the writers just dropped the mad chemistry Kelly Monaco and Cameron Mathison had in that mini-Drew/Sam/Scout family reunion. It was so promising, and I thought it would be the setup of a juicy love triangle, but nope.

This brings me to Sam and Dante. I really like them together, and they both looked absolutely gorgeous at Leo's adoption party. Sam's kimono dress was stunning, and she and Dante make a compelling couple. But Lulu still exists, and someday, when she comes out of a coma, I think the love triangle will turn into a quadrangle.

Let's imagine Lulu comes home. After her coma, Lulu forgets that she and Dante aren't together and expects to go home to Rocco and Charlotte. Lulu will wonder why Charlotte has been sent off to boarding school and why she looks so different. Sam will be crushed and schedule a session with counselor Drew, and she'll =fall weeping into his arms. Those old feelings will come back, and they will kiss. Everyone will be emotionally conflicted except for Lulu because she won't know about Sam and Dante as everyone tiptoes around her delicate psyche.

Okay, I'm back from my soap fantasy now.

My other soap fantasy is discovering that Spencer and Nikolas are working together to trick Esme into a confession, but I doubt that's the case. If Esme seduces Nikolas and he sleeps with her, he's dead to me.

We do know for sure that Spencer is working to entrap Esme, but he can't seem to get out of his own way. But think about the fact that the poor boy has Cassadine blood, Corinthos blood, and Spencer blood all coursing through his veins. These are all very potent DNA strains. How is he to control all that inherent crazy? I love when I see Grandma Laura in him -- the love, the loyalty, the caring heart. I am counting down until the day Trina understands that he believed in her all along and was working to her benefit to take Esme down. That will be the best kiss!

I have to say my favorite bromance on GH right now is Cameron and Spencer. William Lipton and Nicholas Chavez have dynamite chemistry on-screen, and I adore their scenes together. I was thinking about the days of GH's past. These two have the chemistry that Tony Geary and Tristan Rogers had back in the day -- I can see Cam and Spencer having adventures and solving mysteries and laughing about their hijinks over a scotch someday. I think they both have lifelong potential as a GH powerhouse team.

I love our teen ladies, too -- Eden McCoy and Tabyana Ali fell into friendship without missing a beat after Sydney Mikayla left. I was afraid the new Trina wouldn't have the same chemistry as her co-stars, but my fears were unjustified. Eden McCoy has been knocking it out of the park, too -- but the writers are definitely into the idea that Josslyn is being written as Carly Jr. I used to see the Jax in Josslyn, too -- but these days, she's almost always combative, brash, and in defense mode. I miss the tender side of Josslyn, the girl who wrote in her journal and mourned the loss of her first love and was sometimes vulnerable. I hope at some point we see that part of Joss again.

Sadly, the kids must solve the crime independently because the PCPD rarely ever solves crimes. Maybe it's because Dante is busy with Sam, Chase is suspended, and new cop Rory is busy arresting the mayor's grandsons.

Jordan is otherwise occupied, getting into catfights with Portia and arriving at Liz's house. Finn (who doesn't live there) gave her permission to search Liz's home.

Readers, maybe Chase isn't an outstanding detective if he thinks he knocked himself out trying to adjust the security cameras. Just how heavy is that brass giraffe statue? But man, do I love Josh Swickard. Chase is the perfect hero for GH. Brave and kind, gallant and selfless, how do you not love him? His brother might lose her if Chase keeps staying at Liz's house.

And for those of you holding on to the Liz/Biz DID theory, while I am not discounting that theory, Biz would have to be like four feet taller than Rebecca Herbst to reach that top shelf to crack Chase in the head with the giraffe statue.

Aiden's theory is even crazier -- the Ouija board theory that Franco is a ghost haunting Elizabeth and her family so they won't forget him.

Dear readers, if the GH writers came up with ANY story that brought Franco back to life and undid his murder, I'd roll with it. I would suspend any amount of disbelief. I would ignore every plot hole. I promise in this column I would keep my mocking to a minimum if they gave us back Franco. If Austin disappeared tomorrow, and no one ever mentioned him again like he had never been here, I would be content with that.

I remember reading an interview with Roger Howarth when they killed off Franco. He said the writers told him they had a great new storyline for him, and he trusted them. I think he should not trust them so much. Austin is basically invisible. We see him occasionally, but in all the instances where it would make sense for him to be around, he isn't, like at Leo's adoption party.

I don't think Austin has chemistry with Maxie, despite the many times the writers threw them together. Still, I kind of liked him with Britt, but not nearly as much as I want Franco and Liz, so, please, haunt Franco back into existence. Give Aiden a magic Ouija board that conjures ghosts and turns them into real boys again. Tell us that Austin was Franco all along and that Peter brainwashed the entire town by drugging the water so that no one would remember or recognize him. Let Roger play two different roles and let no one in all of Port Charles ever comment that they look exactly alike. Maybe a hair part like Superman and Clark Kent sets them apart. I don't care. Just fix it!

While I am thinking about Britt, I am happy her date didn't show up because I liked her vibe with Drew, too. Side note, methinks that this dating website is Spinelli's brainchild that he created to find a replacement love for himself after Ellie, which is why he is so invested in whether the algorithm worked for Britt. But I digress.

Britt pining over her relationship with Jason, which was a blip, still confounds me. I can understand that they shared a bond and had an instant connection. I can imagine Jason was great in the sack, but they were together for three weeks. Meanwhile, Britt was married to Nikolas and considered him her great love at one point and never even mentioned his name or thought about him. She still remembers being Spencer's stepmom, obviously. I love the bond the two of them share, but it doesn't ring true that Britt and Nik's paths never cross and that they rarely have scenes together.

One scene that left me breathless this week and left my fabulous friend and editor Dan J Kroll threatening to douse me in ice water was the return of Valentin Cassadine. I tweeted an observation noticing that James Patrick Stuart looked extra handsome this week. Frankly, I wasn't alone because many of you chimed in agreement. I mean, can't a girl state the facts? I wish I had control over my soap crushes, but I don't. If Dan followed through and doused me with ice water, I would be cold and drenched and still crushing on Valentin.

But I must wonder, what urgent errand made Valentin walk away from a willing and wine-toting Anna? What evil Victor Cassadine bidding was Valentin doing? I can't imagine anything else that would make him willingly turn down the woman he has been obsessed with for decades. That kiss at the end of their scene was the hottest thing on GH all week long. Where was he going? Is he planning to dress up in uniform and speak in a French accent again? Yes, please. One more mystery -- where does Valentin even live now? He's not at Wyndemere, and he and Charlotte moved out of the Q house when Bailey's paternity came out -- Charlotte was shipped off to boarding school, but where does Valentin LIVE? I need to see it.

Readers, please don't hate me. Maurice Benard, please don't hate me. But man, did I love seeing Sonny stuff a body in the trunk of his car this week. I don't know why. I can't explain it. I love seeing things on movies and TV that I absolutely would not condone in real life. I used to love the show 24. I loved when Jack Bauer would torment a terrorist. I would disapprove of such brutal tactics in real life, but I root for them on TV. It's a sickness, I know.

I like Sonny's gentle and tender side, which Mike brought out, but I also love the "son of a bitch!" part of Sonny -- the mobster at his core guy, the one you don't mess with, the one people fear. I like getting glimpses of that guy again, and I bet no one bothers Phyllis for a long time.

And while I love Brick, I have always seen Brick as a suaver version of Spinelli, not a hitman. I don't really think he can replace Jason as an enforcer. Note that Sonny didn't call Brick for the trunk stuffing.

Speaking of Spinelli, after Maxie lost Nathan and had a hellacious experience with Peter, can't we just let Maxie and Spinelli have another shot? They are older and wiser, they have both had failed relationships, they share a kid, Maxie knows for sure Damian isn't secretly a supervillain like Peter or a con man like Levi -- if I were Maxie, I would say, "Hey, Spinelli, why don't you and Georgie move in with the kids and me, and let's raise our family together." Sure, maybe somewhere down the line, they might meet other people and have that arrangement challenged. Still, I would love to see these two together again, if only as housemates and co-parents. If they eventually fell in love again, great.

Readers, I see many of you calling Marshall "Hat Daddy," and it always makes me laugh. I thought for a moment this week we were going to be waving goodbye to the hat, but then Trina had to go and tip off Curtis that Marshall was leaving. I guess whatever Curtis saw in the secret police file that Selena Wu gave him wasn't too shocking, since he went to stop Marshall from leaving.

Do we get to know the secret now? I know I went on a rant in my last column that I didn't care about the mystery anymore, but now that Curtis knows, I want to know.

I think we will find that Aunt Stella isn't really his aunt, but what else? Maybe next week, we will finally know why Marshall hates Sonny.

I loved the scene where Mayor Collins put Sonny on notice this week. Laura and Sonny have a relationship, but she clarifies he's not above the law. The writing for Laura lately has been fantastic (except that she doesn't notice that her deputy mayor is a stooge for Victor). I think Genie Francis has terrific chemistry with Nicholas Chavez. The grandma/grandson dynamic between them is both tough and tender. Grandma is really the only person Spencer respects enough to listen to -- she's the only person giving him guidance. He won't receive it from his dad, Ava, or friends; but thankfully, he can still hear his grandmother's voice.

I also love that Laura is still loving Liz's kids as her family, even though her son bailed on his family years ago, never returning, which will never stop bothering me. The fact that Lucky never calls, never comes home, and is never mentioned is to toss away years of beautiful GH history. We had three Luckys over the years, and really, a visit from any of them would be welcome, though my heart will always yearn for Jonathan Jackson.

In the sweetest scene of the week, Leo's adoption party was precious. First off, I just love Ned. Period. The end. Always have, always will. I loved Ned with Jenny. I loved Ned with Lois. I loved Ned/Eddie Maine with Alexis. I love Ned! I love him with Olivia now that they are done fighting, and Ned taking Julian Jerome's kid and making him a Quartermaine was heartwarming.

Easton Rocket Sweda is so adorable, and I hope we continue to see him and follow Leo's journey! Wally Kurth, Lisa Locicero, and Easton have a beautiful family vibe. I feel like they must be spending time together to get that authentic family feeling. I wonder why he didn't want to share his poem. Was it nerves or something more?

What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will Harmony break any more of her friend Alexis' vases? Will she try to get her sober friend to drink again? Will she push Carly over a previously unknown ledge in Alexis' backyard? Will Charlotte come back from boarding school at Christmas as a 17-year-old with a chip on her shoulder? Will all three of Liz's kids ever be home at the same time? Will Alexis' kids ever stop by at the same time? (I miss you, Kristina.) Will we see ghost Franco on the security camera footage, six-foot Biz in stilettos, or a recently escaped Heather Webber? Will Chase or Brook Lynn ever, ever, ever admit they have feelings for each other? Will Trina adopt Marshall as her grandad?

Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, and I will tune in as long as there are tomorrows.Tamilu

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