Into the Sweeps woods

Drugs and sex cams and fights, oh my! Trunks and babies and handcuffs, oh sigh. It's time to wander off the beaten path and head into the Two Scoops forest.

Dear Readers, let's just start with the most essential fact of the week: Trina needs better friends. Seriously. What the hell was that?

For months now, Esme has been trying to plan a weekend in the woods. We knew immediately that her intentions were not sincere because Esme is everything Joss said she was, a calculating, manipulative bitch.

But the writing fell short for me. With all this build-up, watching Esme picking up drugs at GH and buying a new cell phone, I came up with many scenarios in my head she might be planning. But she only drugged Trina, which didn't go unnoticed by the GH Twitterverse. The chatter online surrounded the fact that only a black person at the party got drugged and that that was not a good look. Is Tramadol truth serum?

So, Trina told everyone she didn't feel well and was acting strange. Did no one even suspect that Esme did something to Trina's drink? I just texted my best friend. We had some pretty wild nights in the 80s -- I said, "If I was drugged at a party, would you A) Come and check on me and make sure I was okay, or B) Forget all about me and go into the next bedroom and bang your boyfriend." She said, "I would ask who gave you the drugs, could I get some, and then I would go bang my boyfriend." She's the best. And funniest.

But the fact is, I did go to many parties in college, and I was drunk for the better part of the early '80s. But I had better friends than Trina did. I always woke up safely in my bedroom, and sometimes, I had notes next to my bed with my friends telling me stupid things I did or said and letting me know they got me home. I had better friends than Trina. All of her friends failed her at that party. I hope when the drugs wear off, she rips them to shreds.

So, Esme's new cell phone was set to record Joss and Cam having sex? To what end? They are both adults. They are in college. It's not like blackmailing them into telling their moms they were doing it would matter to either of them. I don't understand what her end game would be. Would she threaten to share the video online? Again, so what? Two gorgeous kids having sex would probably make them famous.

Spencer will find out that Trina was drugged. If a sex tape of Joss and Cam appears, Joss will 100% know that Esme is behind it, and again, Spencer will find out. Avery Pohl was such a great find. The GH casting director definitely did a fantastic job casting Esme and, of course, her beloved Spencer, played by another stellar newcomer, Nicholas Chavez.

All of our young performers in this storyline are killing it -- the acting is fantastic, and they are all incredible performers. When Joss and Cam (the excellent actors Eden McCoy and William Lipton) boldly urged Spencer to take a hard look at his girlfriend -- I thought he might actually listen and stand up to her. But no, whatever hold she has on him made him follow her out the door. Maybe she has the playing card that controls Drew and has him in some mind-meld.

Great actors and performances aside, the writing is falling a little flat because I can't make the way the story is playing out make sense. I will be patient and see where it's going, but there are too many swiss cheese-sized holes in the logic right now. But the writers have twisted and turned and surprised me before, and I am sure they will do it again.

Oh, wait, they did do it again, just yesterday. I absolutely 100% did not see Victor having his son Valentin chloroformed and thrown into his trunk coming! I gasped! I was stunned!

My husband, who pretends he doesn't watch GH, heard about Valentin's plight and then told me all about how chloroform works to knock someone out. I silently wondered if he planned to knock me out and put me in his trunk. How does he know so much about chloroform? And then, he added in about how long it takes for smelling salts to bring someone to...I hope all this knowledge is residual info from when he was in the Army or something he researched for the book he's writing. But seriously, he wouldn't hurt a fly. Literally, he's a vegetarian, and he carries bugs outside and sets them gently in the yard rather than stomp on them like I do.

I have a love/hate relationship with Victor right now. Charles Shaughnessy has made Victor charming and adorable, with a touch of lethal and evil. A fantastically well-rounded soap villain. But now he's gone and hurt Valentin, and this I cannot forgive.

It seems to me that if I were Victor and I had just been double-crossed by Peter August for like the tenth time, I would absolutely let Valentin get to Louise first and snatch Peter's baby away from him and take her into hiding until Peter was safely locked up in Pentonville again. What makes Victor think if he goes along with Peter again that he will ever get the details of Drew's conditioning out of that mad SOB?

And again, what does Victor Cassadine even need Drew for? He already has thugs for hire who will chloroform people and throw them into his trunk. (My non-GH watching husband said, "How could Victor fit Valentin into his trunk? He's very tall.") So, it will stand to reason if you already have people who would hurt or kill someone for you that having Drew's programming wouldn't do much for you. What exactly does he want to program Drew to do? And what is this mysterious thing that's coming that needs the Cassadines to all reunite to fight against?

Maybe it's Luke. No way, no how Luke Spencer is dead. Nope. Not buying it. No body, no death. Also, if GH killed off one of its most iconic characters and had a lame funeral with none of Luke's kids in attendance and no flashbacks, I would be livid. So, I must believe this is just the beginning of an exciting new mystery and that Tony Geary will show up one day in a blaze of glory and make my heart leap.

And one more thing on this: I can't believe that no one watched the rest of Helena's video. Wasn't anyone curious to hear what she was going to say? She probably left a clue to where her minions have Luke locked up

One of GH's most remarkable criminals, Sonny Corinthos, is in a bad way because he went off his meds and is acting like a violent lunatic during a manic episode. And as much as I love the chemistry with Cynthia Watros and Maurice Benard, and I wouldn't mind a fling between Nina and Sonny, I must tell you I think Nina made the exact wrong decision again. Readers, I know that Carly is insufferable sometimes. Nina tried to tell her Sonny was in trouble, and Carly barked at her. Okay, I understand the base desire to stick it to Carly by not telling her about Sonny. But this is precisely the kind of thinking that led to nine months in Nixon Falls and a web of lies Nina still hasn't escaped. If Nina genuinely cared about Sonny and his mental health, she would have just yelled as Carly was walking away, "Sonny is off his meds. You should check on him."

But she didn't. While she did the right thing by taking Sonny to GH to see his doctor, Sonny wandered off before the doctor arrived and is still unmedicated. Hopefully, Sonny's tender scenes with Brando will cause him to realize he needs his meds just like Brando may need antidepressants right now to cope with the loss of baby Liam.

This brings up my next point...When Sasha got pregnant by the one-night stand with Brando, I enjoyed the two of them coming to terms with that and deciding they wanted to keep the baby and become a little family. It was light and sweet -- a little bit of happiness between some grittier storylines. But when Liam was born, and Brando and Sasha gave such incredibly powerhouse and gut-wrenching scenes, the GH audience went, "Wait, what?" because it was in those scenes that we finally saw the potential for these two to become a genuine soapy supercouple. Everyone raved about their work in these scenes. The fans went crazy for Sasha and Brando and lit up the Internet with post after post about their performances.

So, to capitalize on this momentum, the GH writers gave us many more powerful scenes of these two young lovers working through the grief of losing a child and trying to piece their lives back together, and... oh, wait, no, they broke them up. We haven't put them in the same room together since. What the hell?

We did get a Sasha sighting at the Yoga studio, which I guess is the updated version of Richard Simmons Jazzercise classes on the GH of the '80s. I know there will eventually be a yoga catfight, and it will probably involve Carly. Still, we have yet to see any actual yoga taking place. At least in Richard Simmons' day, they showed the workouts.

In one of the sweetest scenes of the week, Ned and Olivia told Leo that they were renewing their wedding vows and that Ned was going to officially adopt Leo. I love this little family, and I appreciate the light GH is shining on autism awareness. I know these scenes will prompt parents watching to get their kids tested because the GH writers are dropping in signals and signs that will cause people to say, "Wait, my child does that. Maybe I should get them checked." Which is fantastic.

Getting a diagnosis means opening your child and family up to resources and support. I have two grandchildren on the autism spectrum, and having educational support and a community around to walk through the challenges is vital. Bravo, GH, for taking on this issue, and bravo to Wally Kurth, Lisa LoCicero, and the spectacular find of Easton Rocket Sweda. I am anxiously awaiting the ceremony day, even though I know that something weird will probably happen because it's GH.

In other news, Maxie kissed Austin to try to distract him from remembering Brook Lynn's voice in Pautauk. Using sex as a weapon? Kissing someone without their express permission? Be careful, Maxie; you'll get canceled.

The problem I'm having is that the writers want us to embrace Austin and Maxie as a couple, but I see way more sparks between Austin and Britt. My hope is that when Austin realizes Maxie didn't trust him (and I don't blame her; she barely knows him), he will be angry with her, go out for drinks with Britt, and they will end up in bed together. Which is totally fine by me. Roger Howarth and Kelly Thiebaud are delightful together.

Do you know who else I love in scenes together? Kelly Monaco and Lexi Ainsworth. The Davis sisters always have sizzling scenes together. If I were the GH writers and I had Lexi Ainsworth available to me, I would write so many more scenes for her than they do. She is vastly underused, in my humble opinion. Kristina asked Sam not to act on her behalf between Alexis and Harmony. I would love to see a scene where Harmony apologizes to Kristina and asks for her forgiveness. I would love to see the two of them even become friends because, when it all comes down, they were both victims of Shiloh and fell for his crazy cult teachings.

And now, here's my advice to Aunt Stella: confess. Aunt Stella, Curtis is going to find out that you knew his dad was alive; he's going to be pissed, but it will be better if he hears it from you and not from Marshall. Judging by Stella's reaction to Curtis' assumption that Marshall may have been in the Witness Protection Program, I guess that instead, Marshall is the guy other people need protection from. We had a new temporary Marshall on Friday's episode, and I don't know why or how long he will be filling in. I really love Curtis, and I feel bad that basically everyone in his life has lied to him -- Jordan, Portia, his mom, his aunt, his dad -- who can he trust? Frankly, I hope Jordan comes back soon because I still don't believe Curtis and Jordan are over each other. I want to see more of that relationship. Maybe Jordan can go home right when Portia finally confesses that Trina is Curtis' daughter and not Taggert's, and Jordan can comfort sex him.

I am also waiting for Chase and Brook Lynn to stop dancing around it and become a couple. Okay, so Brook Lynn overheard a conversation -- girl, you're not shy, just call him out on it and tell him you overheard what he said about you and talk it out! I hope those two have their own baby together. They are adorable.

Another familial couple I enjoyed watching this week is Martin and Laura. Their brother/sister dynamic is growing. I like that Laura's good influence convinced Martin to ditch Peter as a client. If only her influence had the power to change Cyrus, too. But Peter was too genial about Martin dropping him, which says to me he has another evil plan up his sleeve.

It bothers me that the only version of Peter we see now is contemptible. We never even get a glimpse of the kind and gentle Peter that Maxie fell for. As villains go, think of Esme. Although she is evil and doing wicked things, we get to see her insecurity and vulnerability. We get to see a little of the "why" behind her appalling choices. With Peter, his only why is "I am Faison's son, so I must be pure evil 24/7." But Faison himself had mystery and charm, and you couldn't help but root for his happiness sometimes. Helena, too -- she was evil, but we liked watching her because she was so delicious to watch. Helena hated Luke but also wanted to seduce him sometimes. She hated people who were "insipid," but when one of the people she felt were beneath her showed a little backbone, she lit up. She was happy to see them fight back.

But I am not finding any delight in watching Peter's brand of evil. I just hate him. I hate him a lot. And we know Wes Ramsey has the ability to be sweet, charming, and romantic because we saw that side of Peter when Maxie fell for him. Where did all that go? The writers wrote it all away. And the longer things play out, the more I feel like we will never be rid of him.

We got rid of Jennifer Smith for decades, and now she's back. Is she here to make amends as she stated, or is she going to try to resurrect her dad's crime family legacy? Only time will tell.

What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will we see missing children's milk cartons featuring Aiden, Jake, Georgie, James, and Danny? Will Anna and Felicia team up with Sam on a girl's PI firm? Will Sonny get to rent the Savoy, or will he take away Curtis' protection and not let him serve Sonnybucks coffee anymore? Will Scotty come back and plan a romantic Valentine's date for his Schnitzel? Will Valentin wake up in Victor's trunk and text Anna to go and kick Victor's ass?

Will I ever remember as many GH details as Max Updates GH, even though he wasn't old enough to even see the scenes he references? (I adore that kid) Will we get to see Martin and Lucy's Mardi Gras date in New Orleans? (Please?) Will the impending Snowmageddon coming to the East Coast hit Port Charles and end up snowing Nina and Carly in somewhere together? (Please) Will it snow in Drew and Sam and Scout? (Please?) How about snowing in Brook Lynn and Chase until she loses that blazer? (Please?)

Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, and I will tune in tomorrow as long as there are tomorrows.Tamilu

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