Who is this? No, who is this?

Weeping Naiads, horse tranquilizers, hobo-inspired train rides, custody battles, hunky advice columnists, and so much more as the drama unfolded in Port Charles this week. Let's discuss in this week's Two Scoops!

Dear Readers, when old Jason picked up the phone to call Sam, and new Jason answered, didn't it make you a little giddy? It did me. I am anxious for the big reunion scenes, for Jason 1 to run into Sam, to Carly, to Sonny, to Michael, to Monica -- on and on. But I have a feeling the writers intend to linger a while and keep us on the edge of our seats, waiting. I hate waiting. I order my coffee at Starbuck on the app so I can walk in and grab it off the counter, and I laugh at the chumps who are standing in line.

But this time, I don't have an app to fast-forward to the scenes I want. I have to be patient and let the story unfold at its snail's pace. How many more days are we going to have Jason on the boxcar like a 1940s hobo with the Weeping Naiad guy tied up?

I have to admit that's a plot twist I didn't see coming. I had completely (and thankfully) forgotten about the Weeping Naiad and Huxley Lynch. It would be genius if all these plots tied together somehow.

My questions are endless. Who put Jason (Patient 6) in the Boronsky Clinic? How long has he been there? Has it been the entire time he has been missing from Port Charles, or was he just admitted recently? Why was he stunned to discover it was 2017? Was he not cognizant of the days passing due to the horse tranquilizers they were injecting him with? Does he whinny now after two years of excessive doses of horse drugs? How did he build up such an immunity to horse tranquilizers that he could walk, talk, function, run barefoot through Russia, hop onto a train, and beat up bad guys?

Is the guy everyone is calling Jason right now actually Jason's undiscovered twin, Drew? Will the people in Port Charles still love Jason #2 after Jason #1 returns, or will they reject and shun him once they know the truth?

Clearly Drew (I'm just going to start calling him that, if you'll indulge me?) has no ill intent and honestly believes he is Jason. It's got Helena written all over it. She's the Queen of Mean and of all brainwashing plots on GH since I was a teenager. If no one else in town believes this, at least Elizabeth will because she knows that Helena can erase people's minds like she did with Lucky. Oh, crazy soap plots, I love you so.

Will Sam be torn between the two men? Will Elizabeth be torn between Drew and Franco? Will Drew stay in Port Charles and have his own life and own storylines, or will he be sent away, back to Genoa City and beyond? When Sonny learns that Ava saved Jason's life, will she be back in his good graces? Does saving Jason cancel out changing Morgan's pills? (At least enough that he won't murder her...) Dear readers, do you have as many questions as I do?

With Ingo Rademacher now headed to the Bold and the Beautiful and Tyler Christopher headed to Days, I feel like the four remaining soaps should just pool their resources. In a throwback to the old Hollywood studio contracts, NBC, CBS, and ABC should each just pitch their fair share to pay the top 100 soap actors and rotate them around from show to show as storyline dictates. I mean, seriously -- they all jump around anyway.

I hope we get to keep both Billy Miller and Steve Burton, but having two such magnificent guys and also getting Tamara Braun back is a dream I don't dare dream.

I know I shouldn't be rooting for an Ava/Griffin romance. I'm a church girl, and Griffin is a priest. I shouldn't be rooting for him to break his vows to God and make out with Ava. But in my heart, I'm totally rooting for him to make out with Ava. He's been on a break from the church for a long time now, so clearly he doesn't feel any burning desire to give up medicine to go back to full-time priesthood. Let the guy fall in love with a bad girl mobster who is trying to find her soul and salvation.

While we are on the topic of Griffin, I have an odd theory... You know how Joss's boyfriend, Oscar, is looking for his dad? Do you wonder why Oscar's mom never told the father he was her baby daddy? Doesn't Oscar have a sweet, beautiful moon face like Griffin? Maybe that's just a coinky-dink, but that idea definitely crossed my mind. Too far-fetched? Nah. It's a soap opera. Anything can happen. Literally anything.

For instance, did you expect Laura to come storming into Wyndemere with a gun? Me neither. I have to say, I hope Valentin was telling the truth and that he has security camera footage of that incident. That moment could be the thing that keeps Charlotte in his life. Lulu would give Valentin joint custody in lieu of seeing her mom go to jail, don't you think?

I say this so often that you are probably weary of hearing it, but I love Valentin. I know he's a bad guy, but c'mon, the dude used to be a hunchback and was a pawn of the WSB, so I give him a pass. I still believe that Nikolas is alive because of one of the top five soap rules: no body = not dead. Sometimes even if there is a body, the person is not dead. I watched Anna and Robert blow up on a boat many years ago, yet somehow, they are still alive.

Not only is Anna alive, but she is blackmailing Finn into being a spy and then criticizing him for being a bad spy. Hey, Anna, you went to spy school, and Finn went to med school. If he forced you to be a doctor for a day, you'd probably be a really lousy doctor.

Finn met with Cassandra and told her about his own ailment and how he found a cure for his disease, and he convinced her that he could find a cure for hers (even though he knows she doesn't have one) in an attempt to lure her to Port Charles as part of Anna's spy games. It's so lovely to see Jessica Tuck, and I'm looking forward to her being in Port Charles and finding out what her connection is to Valentin. So, do you think her "illegal dealings on the dark web" are running a puppy mill as Finn suggested? I hope so; that way I can start calling her Cruella.

If I were writing the show, I'd go totally clich...Finn would fall for Cassandra, and just as they were about to get married, Hayden would walk into their wedding with the baby that isn't supposed to be. Like when Robin walked in and busted up Patrick's wedding to Sabrina. I love that sudsy drama!

Then again, back in Port Charles is Dr. Bensch (a.k.a. Max Holden) -- and with Cassandra (a.k.a. Megan Gordon), that might be a lovely reunion, too. But I fear Dr. Bensch is going to be a womanizer (cue the Britney track) and try to juggle Alexis and his flirtation with Kiki -- and maybe throw Cassandra in for fun. Just a hunch.

I'm having a hard time understanding Anna's motive for this whole spy caper. If she recalls Valentin being her friend, if she knows that her sister Alex played him and set him up, why is she still so totally determined to destroy him? It's Anna's sole focus in life right now. She is going to extraordinary lengths to bring him down, like blackmailing a doctor to become a spy. Can someone out there in soap land explain this to me?

Back in Port Charles, the drama is a little less soapy and more the sort of thing normal families deal with, like custody agreements. Who gets the kid for Christmas, and who gets the kid for Thanksgiving? Charlotte has two parents who adore her and two stepparents who adore her, and she will definitely be spoiled at the holidays. But will this truce between Lulu and Valentin last? I seriously hope so, because I don't know how many more rounds of "Who gets Charlotte?" I can bear.

Now just a little love letter to Nina. Michelle Stafford is one of my favorites. She has a light inside her. She shines in every scene, no matter whom she is playing against. She glows with Valentin, with Nathan (Jay), with Nelle -- she brings a sparkle to Port Charles, and I'm glad we have her on the landscape. I loved the scene where she and Valentin were reminiscing about the one-night stand that started their great romance. While I would not advise that as a good way to meet your soul mate, in soap opera land, those things can blossom into great romances.

Bobbie's family celebrated her years of service at GH -- everyone except her son Lucas and his hubby Brad. Why is it that Lucas and Brad are only trotted out occasionally as stunt casting? Now that their blabbermouth cousin Valerie told the family they'd been reading up about "shadoption"-- I foresee a storyline about gay couples adopting. That will be a great story to explore, but why can't Lucas and Brad just be part of normal family life, too? Why can't we see them having dinner with friends at the Metro Court or dropping by Carly's to pick up Josslyn for a weekend at her uncle's house? I wish they would integrate them into the family more and not just bring them out for social issues.

Hopefully we won't see them for Michael's funeral after his accused "black widow" girlfriend Nelle does him in. So, Nelle lied about the ring. Does that man she' lying about murdering her fianc, too? She's such a gray area character for me, I can never decide if she's a misunderstood good girl or pure evil. I change my mind from day to day.

What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will Jason's kids get art awards for making the best "Welcome Home" sign ever painted by elementary kids? Will Franco bring more balloons to Jason? Will Sonny take the donation he normally gives to Queen of Angels and give it to the priest in Russia who harbored Jason and helped Griffin? Will Ava realize on reflection that she should have left the clinic with Patient 6 instead of staying in a place that chains people up and give them horse tranquilizers just so she could be pretty again? Will the makeup people realize we could see Maura West's porcelain skin under Ava's bandages before they were removed? Will Aunt Stella be a good social worker, or is that just a ruse to keep meddling in Curtis' life? Will we find out that Brick is her long-lost love Marcus? Will girls in Port Charles start committing crimes just to be arrested by Ask Man Landers? Will Amy slap Maxie for saying how hard it was for her in high school because she had to pick out cute outfits every day?

Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, and I will tune in tomorrow as long as there are tomorrows.Tamilu

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