I used to be a hunchback

People in holes, buildings being demolished, toxoplasmosis, disfigured faces, meddling aunts, and more in this week's Two Scoops!

Dear readers, when I was a kid, I had an incredible music teacher named Mr. Root. He was one of those teachers I wrote to later in life to say, "You changed the course of my life."

He taught us a silly song called Sama Kama Wacky Brown (if you're bored today, you can listen to it here... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SsuTAB_o1K4). I learned this song when I was in elementary school, and I hadn't thought about it in years. But when Sonny fell (got pushed) into a hole this week, the whole song popped into my head, and I felt like I was eleven again. Thanks, Sonny.

We finally have the diagnosis, Sam has toxoplasmosis and encephalitis, which is making her brain do funny things and causing her to hallucinate Sonny is taunting her. I dare you to find that in a medical book. Not the disease, but the Sonny part... I was sure her ailment was going to have something to do with the chimera, but my soapy instincts failed me this time!

Jason is blaming Julian for Sam's illness because of what his sister Olivia did to Sam, although I'm sure Jason wouldn't want to be held accountable for things A.J. did back in the day.

Now that we know what Sam's diagnosis is, hopefully the evil Sonny voices in her head will cease because I don't think I can take much more of her crazy. While I applaud Kelly Monaco's work in this storyline and I believe she's making the most of the material she's been given, I hate these scenes. I love Kelly, just not this storyline. I wanted to fast-forward every time Sam hallucinated, and the only reason I didn't do so was to be able to write this column. I wanted to make sure I didn't miss anything. I didn't.

While Sonny was stuck in the hole, he had an otherworldly visit from Stone, to which my husband, who pretends he doesn't watch GH, said, "I didn't know ghosts aged. Wasn't Stone 17 when he died? He looks 35 now." He makes me laugh. I was delighted to have Michael Sutton back, if only for a day, stuck in a hole with Sonny. Jeff thought Sonny should have hallucinated Morgan instead, but maybe Bryan Craig was offered and didn't want to spend the day in a hole. Who knows?

To add excitement to the hole scenes, we had an ongoing countdown to building demolition. It seems as though someone on the demolition crew would have done a physical sweep through the site just to make sure there wasn't a dog or cat in there who wouldn't have paid attention to the announcements. Any construction guys out there who can explain their process to me?

The countdown clock got all the way down to "1" before Dante bounded out of the shadows and halted the push of the "blow up this building" button. Carly refused to leave Sonny, but I'm thinking if she had run, she could have gotten to that guy by maybe "3."

After Sonny was rescued and taken to GH, the Corinthos clan was rejoicing in the demise of Garvey, but Sonny hasn't yet told Jason that it was Sam, not Garvey, who shot him and kicked him into a hole. Sonny knew Sam wasn't in her right mind, but if I were Sonny, I would never be alone in a room with Sam again, in case she ever has a relapse. Once Jason knows, he had best hire a nanny for Scout and Danny because their Mommy is cray-cray.

Across town at the new home of Finn and Hayden, her ex-husband Jared showed up with fire in his eyes. This is odd, since when Dr. Obrecht fist approached him, he was totally uninterested and wanted nothing to do with her scheme. But after a few brewskis and Liesl's taunting, he was ready to seek revenge and blackmail his ex. Why would Hayden fear Finn finding out about her DUI? She knows he's a drug addict who has a pet lizard. I mean, seriously, I feel Finn would forgive her for things in her past; that's the sort of love they have built -- unconditional and accepting.

I genuinely loathe plot points like this where the writers suddenly make up some new part of a person's life story to get rid of them. It's lazy and cheap. Why not take what we already know of Hayden and tell a compelling story for her exit? I hate to see Rebecca leave. Hayden and Finn are expecting a baby. Liz and Hayden are finally bonding as sisters. We still haven't told the story of Jeff Weber's secret affair that produced Hayden. Now, Poof -- gone.

It's clear that the powers that be in GH land don't respect the viewers. With rumors swirling that William DeVry might be let go, as well, all of soapdom is on edge about potentially losing "Julexis" to studio politics and contract negotiations.

The writers wrote a compelling storyline for Julian and Alexis. We fell in love with them together. Then when Julian tried to kill Alexis, we were furious, and patiently waited for them to write him out of that corner to reunite our beloved couple. After our time and hearts were deeply invested, they are considering pulling the plug before that storyline is resolved? Evil.

I mean, seriously, is William Devry such a diva? Is he asking for so much that you can't give him what he's asking for? I doubt that.

This is the same fate that befell Tyler Christopher after decades on GH. Now he is headed to Days of our Lives, and Port Charles is short a Prince Cassadine. Boo.

On the up side, we still have Valentin, and although everyone thinks he murdered Nikolas, as I have said a gazillion times, I refuse to believe it. Valentin is trying to cut a deal with Ava, a pretty face in exchange for her testimony that he didn't kill Nikolas. Ava has found her conscience, though, and is not so easily swayed by the lure of beauty. Will she cave and take him up on it? Probably so because the powers that be would not allow the glamorous Maura West to have scars for the next five years!

Ava is being a bit hypocritical in judging Valentin for killing Nikolas when she killed Connie and in a roundabout way played into Morgan's death, too. Valentin revealed his former hunchback self to Ava. (Seriously, how does he get the line "I used to be a hunchback" out of his mouth with a straight face??) And she seemed intrigued with the transformation from hunchback to hunk. I predict she will reconsider his offer, even though she promised Spencer she would testify for him in court.

Side note...Does anyone remember Anna Devane's scar when she first came to town that she just peeled off one day? Haha. Good times.

Spencer is suing Valentin in a civil suit, but that will be harder to do from boarding school in France. I really hate to see Nicholas Bechtel leave. I know he has his Disney show, but as I keep saying, they have no idea what to do with him and how to use him. GH has tapped into his heart this summer, and he's had some very emotional and poignant scenes. The kid isn't just cute; he can actually act. If I were his agent, I'd ask the Stuck in the Middle team to write some scenes for my client. I have watched the show, and he rarely gets a line -- and to me, that's a huge waste of his remarkable talent. I realize I am repeating myself, but I'm hoping someone takes heed of my voice crying in the wilderness for this kid to get his own show or something.

Grandma Laura has had enough of chasing him around town and is personally taking him to Paris with Kevin as their chaperon. (In other words, Jon Lindstrom and Genie Francis are going on summer vacation.)

Readers, maybe this is just a West Coast phenomenon, but GH airs at 1:00 p.m. here. This week, on three separate days, we had either weather alerts or breaking news alerts that interrupted GH. Seriously, weather and news alerts ONLY happen between 1:00 p.m. and 2:00 p.m. PST? It's really starting to irk me. I live in San Diego. We don't have weather. We have sun. Sometimes we get patchy fog. In January, it rains a little. In May and June, we get marine layer clouds, which they call "May Gray " and "June Gloom." There is no need to interrupt GH every day because there is a 5% chance it might rain. Stop. If it did rain, we would know because all of our neighbors would go outside to watch it rain, as that's what we do when it rains, since it never does. There's even a song about the fact that it never rains in Southern California!

Back to Port Charles. Readers... I love my family. I have some aunts who I dearly love and would do just about anything for, but A) they would not even consider telling me who to date, B) if they did, I would ignore them. We have spent months, watching Curtis and Jordan circling around one another, and then his Aunt Stella showed up in town and is using her stroke to guilt him out of being happy? Bad Aunt Stella! I can understand worrying about your family's approval if you are 17, but not if you're a grown man. Stop pining away for Jordan and send your aunt back to Baltimore, Curtis.

What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will we find out how and when Nelle became an expert in shell casings? Will Oscar make more bullet jewelry and launch a successful Etsy business? Will old Jason be Nikolas? Will old Jason be a doctor like old, old Jason was going to be? Will old Jason be current Jason and current Jason be a brainwashed imposter? Will Dante casually dismiss other twelve-year-olds who make false statements to the cops, or just his nephew? Will Maxie be delighted to find out Nathan is involved in Ask Man Landers or fly into a jealous rage over Amy? Will Robin leave her new baby in a tree? Will Stone go visit Robin and her new baby while he's in our earthly realm? Will Lila's Kids be put out of business for allowing a kid to get kidnapped from their camp?

Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, and I will tune in tomorrow as long as there are tomorrows.Tamilu

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