The Hunchback of Port Charles

So a hunchback, a mobster, and a WSB agent walk into a bar and... sounds like a bad joke, but instead, it's just an average week in Port Charles!

Somewhere between Greece and Port Charles, New York, is a brilliant and highly skilled plastic surgeon that turned Valentin from a hunchback to a honey.

The photo of Valentin, then known as Ivan Theodore, was shocking! It showed a disfigured face, a curved spine, and wild hair that defies logic. I mean, seriously, even hunchbacks can use a comb.

Now, of course, Valetin is Mr. GQ, handsome, self-assured, debonair, sexy as all get out. Hard to imagine him as a shy, stuttering, socially inept introvert who was crushing on a cruel-hearted Anna Devane.

I am inclined to believe his version of events for one reason -- Anna keeps crying every time she thinks of it. If she did nothing wrong, she would feel no guilt. If she had been kind to Ivan, she would feel no remorse. I think she is probably guilty of exactly what Nina accused her of, using him for his brain and toying with his emotions. Anna is a kind person now, but I recall when she first came on the show sporting a fake scar designed to hurt and torment Robert. She hasn't always been a nice person. She started out with a cruel streak, and Valentin's memory of her is from that era of her life.

Besides, I just like that version of the story because I want Valentin to be everything Nina believes him to be; I want her to stay happy. I love their relationship. I love that she went to Anna to defend him and to call her out on her misdeeds of the past. I love that Nina saw the photo of him before he was handsome and still saw the things she loved in him. I loved that she promised him that he would never see anything in her eyes but love. I really love this couple, and I hope next year at this time, they will be celebrating an anniversary -- but knowing GH, that's a pipe dream.

Valentin was honest with Nina about the circumstances by which Charlotte came to exist and why he stole her from the Cassadines, which, quite frankly, helped me figure out how Stavros wasn't the father, too.

The one lingering thing that may indicate that Valentin isn't who he says he is is the mysteriously disappearing WSB file that Anna was reviewing. That file must have been from the Ice Princess era, as it looked like 80s computer graphics, and then it did some cheesy fade before it vanished entirely.

What is in that file, and who didn't want Anna to see it? Is Uncle Victor still the head of the WSB and protecting the Cassadine bloodline, or is someone else involved? I know it's been a long time, but I am still rooting for Nikolas to be alive -- and maybe even Helena. The more Cassadines, the better, in my book. #BringBackSpencer

Lulu pitched shared custody of Charlotte to Valentin, but he declined and informed her that offer was off the table. He knows her ultimate goal is to take Charlotte away from him. If Lulu does win custody of Charlotte, I hope Charlotte runs away to Valentin's every day until Lulu succumbs and agrees to joint custody. I am not a fan of people keeping a kid away from a parent unless (and only if) the parent is abusive. I love Lulu, and I know she will be a great mom, but unfortunately for her, Charlotte already adores her dad, and there is no indication he has been anything but a loving and attentive father to her.

In other news, Franco was rescued and is off the hook for Tom's murder. In a strange twist of events, we discovered that the DNA pool of the Baker family definitely has some crazy in it, as Tom's brother Seth turned out to be the killer. Seth realized Tom was up to his old ways and was still on the prowl for women to hurt and rape. Rather than call Tom's parole officer or the cops, Seth just killed him. Good news for Franco, but another crushing blow for the mothering skills of Mrs. Baker.

When Franco was in the storage unit last week and I noticed the scar on his cheek, I excitedly messaged my fellow Soap Central family Liz and Dan to point out that Franco is going to have Todd Manning's cheek scar again! It just looks right for him to shave a scar on his face, don't you think?

Franco must be especially virile, as he was able to make love to Liz two days after not being able to even sit up. What did GH put in that I.V. of his?

Readers, I have not seen Liz's kids for months. I mean, seriously. Where are they? Who is watching them? Do they just live at Gram's now? When Liz took Franco home, A) I was shocked to find there is actually a bedroom at the top of her stairs, and B) I couldn't believe Li'l Jake wasn't in there, crawling on his best buddy's bed. We didn't even hear her kids...that's just wrong.

I am rooting for Liz and Franco, but it's clear after the dog cage incident that Franco still has a few issues to work on before he is husband material.

In other messed-up marriages, Alexis and Julian have made some slight progress during the blackmail phase of their relationship, and in spite of the way it was handled, Julian actually did help Alexis get sober and has been a good influence on her. I am still waiting for an explanation of why he was forced to nearly kill her, but I am willing to give him a chance now that I know Olivia is involved. I recall she is only a few shades of crazy away from Heather when it comes to being obsessive over lovers. Duke is to Olivia as Luke is to Heather.

We are still unclear what Olivia's motives are, why she would want Alexis killed, what she has against Sonny (except for the usual mob battle over "territory," and it seems odd that so many mobsters are fighting over Port Charles, which, from my estimation, isn't that big of a town). Also, why has she not reached out to Ava? Maybe she will try to befriend Kiki next in her inexplicable mystery plot.

Jason and Sonny are getting close to the truth, but they staged a fight for Julian's benefit to convince him Jason will back off on the investigation. They better exonerate Sonny soon; I am ready for him to be out of his ankle bracelet so he can go back to doing mob stuff and intimidating the townspeople.

When Jordan said, "The new D.A. said she wants to continue to prosecute Sonny even though we know he is innocent," I thought, "Oh, no, please tell me Olivia isn't the new D.A." It was also hilarious to discover that Olivia had volunteered to be Alexis' A.A. sponsor. I am a big fan of Tonya Walker. I am delighted she is back. I hope her arrival in Port Charles means that Duke is still alive, and she has him caged up somewhere. I'm looking forward to seeing how this all unfolds.

Another unhinged woman with a mystery plot is Nelle Hayes...Okay, from what I can put together after this week's episodes, Nelle is potentially the daughter of Carly's former adoptive dad, Frank, who left Virginia when Carly was three.

I mean, seriously, dear readers, what sort of a loon would hold someone accountable for anything that happened to a person that Carly hadn't seen or heard from since she was a toddler?

I can't make sense of that. Suppose Frank left Virginia and then lost his job, or got cancer, or had some other terrible thing happen to him. How on earth could Nelle hold three-year-old Carly responsible for that? No comprende.

The highlight of that storyline this week is Felicia going deep undercover and scheming with Bobbie by pretending to befriend Nelle to uncover Nelle's secret plot. Good to see Felicia returning to her P.I. roots. If only there is some way we can get Mac involved, then it will be a party. When they trotted John J. York out for Maxie's wedding, I wished that he were still police commissioner. No offense to Jordan, she could be D.A. or a WSB agent or something else. I just want Mac back in charge of the Port Charles Police Department. Because I want Mac back.

But I digress. Nelle sent herself flowers, signed the card with an "S," and made sure that Michael and Josslyn saw them to bolster the lie she is about to tell that she and Sonny are having a torrid fling. She played with her baby rattle again, but we can't drink when she does that anymore, or we'd end up in A.A. with Alexis and Olivia.

What will happen next? Will Bobbie compare Nelle to another of Aunt Ruby's unruly pets? Will Ned and Olivia be the next couple to tie the knot and end up in the middle of a mob battle? Will Josslyn's family tree turn into an entire forest as she adds in all of Jax, Carly, and Sonny's significant others? Will Diane win the friend of the year award for standing by Alexis in her season of crazy? Will Jordan decide between Andre and Curtis and give one of them a rose? Will we get another Felix sighting soon? Will they please stop showing photos of Sabrina unless they are bringing Sabrina back? Will Michelle Stafford please stop wearing dresses that remind me that her waist is as big as my thigh? (She's so gorgeous.)

Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, and I will tune in tomorrow as long as there are tomorrows.Tamilu

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