Going for the gold

If there were a Port Charles Olympics, who would take home the gold? Let's examine in this week's Two Scoops!

If there was a Port Charles Olympics, I think Nina and Elizabeth would be competing for the gold medal in the "Bad Taste in Men" competition.

How did they fare?

Let's start with Liz. Let's say you go on a first date with a guy who "used to be a serial killer." He takes you to a creepy secluded art studio where he used to pose dead bodies. He proceeds to lock about 14 locks to trap you inside. He asks if you are afraid of him. (I was totally afraid of him.) Liz quietly asks, "Should I be?" with a smile on her delicate face. She doesn't run. She doesn't scream. She doesn't try to dial 9-1-1. She acts as if this is a totally normal first date.

Across town, Nina encounters Theo Hart, a.k.a. Valentin Cassadine, whom we know to be a dangerous, evil, scary man. But if you just saw him walking down the corridor of a hotel, I suppose he'd look like a perfectly handsome, normal guy.

Nina has been jonesing for sex for months. I understand that, trying to make up for 20 years in a coma. So she proceeded to invite this total stranger in and allow him to have his way with her. (Girls, see this as a cautionary tale.)

In this event, I give the gold to Liz, because she actually knew Franco's violent past, while Nina was blissfully unaware that she was sleeping with a murderous psychopath.

In the next contest, let's imagine that Ava and Carly are competing for the "Bad Mom" medal.

Initially, Carly was lying to her daughter about stopping the search to try to find her kidney donor. However, her motives were pure. She just wants to know where her daughter's body part came from in case of future illness.

On the other hand, Ava hopped on a flight to escape trouble and didn't seem to give a lot of thought to Avery while she was bonding with Prince Nikolas. But after a near death experience in a plane crash, Ava appears to believe this is her second (or fifth) chance to be a good mom to her daughters.

I'm going to give the gold to Ava, because there was a considerable amount of time during her Greek adventure that I did not hear her even utter Avery's name. On the other hand, Carly is always up in her kid's business.

In the Ho-Lympics, I'm going to just outright award the gold to Darby. Yes, I heard her caution us against slut shaming for her giving half the town an STI. Sure, Morgan and Dillon and her other lovers are equally to blame, but in this day and age, everyone knows to wear a condom, and bonus points because Darby knew Morgan was involved with Kiki and slept with him anyway, and that breaks the Girl Code.

In the best dressed competition, our contenders are Nina in that off-the-shoulder red dress with the batwing sleeves. (is that what they are called? I honestly don't know.) And Carly in that lovely white dress with the attached jacket.

Though they were both stunning, I have to give the gold to Nina, partly because of my longtime, affectionate girl crush on Michelle Stafford, and partly because -- RED.

Okay, now let's get down to business. Is it just me, or do you think yappy, gossipy Amy could be the serial killer? She always seems to be around and was a little too intent on pinning it on Franco. Several of you have written to me, saying you hoped it was her so you could get her off your screen. I don't dislike her character as much as some of you do, but I do think she is a suspect.In serial killer soap stories of the past, we always lost at least one actual character. In this round on GH, it's all been people we never heard of and don't care about, so I'm less invested than I would be if a beloved character had died.

I doubt the mystery will ever be solved, though, because the person working the case just graduated from Police Academy about four minutes ago. Seriously? I know Dante was being held captive and was unavailable, but whom would Jordan have assigned to work this case before Valerie graduated? Nathan is busy navigating a love quadrangle that he thinks is a triangle; Anna is off visiting her grandkid; the WSB has apparently abandoned Frisco Jones and Robert Scorpio in the field. Hire Spinelli if you need to, or put Curtis on the force. Deputize Obrecht! Maybe you can hire Detective Taggert back from wherever he was transferred, or see if you can lure Lucky Spencer back from Ireland. In any case, Valerie is not the best choice here. (This one was for you, Liz Masters!)

GH is pretty thick with characters right now. We keep seeing brief glimpses of beloved characters, (Ric, Diane, Scott, Lucy, Heather, Felicia, Bobbie) and then they vanish, and our screen is filled up with newbies like Aaron, Darby, Parker, Amy, Claudette, and the like.

How do we make room for the veterans? If the point of the Aaron/Parker storyline was to establish Christina's struggle with her sexuality, that has now been accomplished. So maybe we can move Aaron to the backburner for a while so we can get more screen time for Ric? I'm already bored with everyone standing on those two steps, drinking coffee at Sonnybucks. Although the employees apparently make amazing tips there, since after less than a week of work, Morgan has made enough in tips to put down a deposit on a new place for him and Kiki.

I digress. Alexis is in a dire circumstance, and it seems like the perfect time for Ric to offer his help to Alexis. Besides, I need to see more of that distinguished gray he sported in our brief glimpse of him last week. Trs chic! Sexy! Dashing!

But, since Jax is back, maybe one ex-husband is all Alexis can handle at a time.

I love me some Jax. I think Ingo Rademacher is completely dreamy. If I were 14 years old, he would be the poster on my wall. Yowza, that guy is so handsome. I think I would be rendered totally speechless if I ever met him, and trust me, that never, ever happens.

It's become clear that the reason Jax is working so hard to get Carly to stop digging into Josslyn's kidney transplant is because he is involved. That makes sense. If you're a billionaire and your kid needs a kidney transplant, you buy them a kidney. I can see that. Some of the other theories floated around had no logic in them. But the hard part to envision is that this would mean that Jax was complicit in Jake's faked death and kidnapping by Helena. Certainly Jax and Helena knew one another, but did she have something on him to force him into her evil scheme? I'm intrigued and hope this angle isn't dropped. If the writers are going to go there, I would really like a complete storyline to play out, not leaving a hundred lose ends.

Let's move to Alexis' current husband, Julian. He seems to feel genuine remorse. I even saw tears falling down William Devry's beautiful face. I was moved, but I still cannot advocate forgiveness. If the writers plan to redeem Julian, I am unwilling to give Julian a pass just because he shed a tear or two over trying to kill his wife. I'm sure O.J. was really sorry at some points in his abusive marriage, too.

Writers, if you want us to approve of Julian being back with Alexis, it's going to be a very tough sell. Julian is going to have to do some serious work. Get the guy into rehab, anger therapy, a weekly session with Kevin Collins discussing his rage issues, something. As a viewer, I have to see this character realize he has issues and do legitimate work on them before I will be willing to have him and Alexis reunite.

Alexis is going to need counseling, too. If my husband tried to kill me, I cannot imagine getting back together with him under any circumstances, ever. I think most women feel that way. So don't think we are so invested in "Julexis" that you can sweep violence and abuse under the rug. We won't forget.

In my opinion, Julexis is irreparably broken. You ruined them. I realize the writers are going to put them back together, but it's tainted and tarnished for me now, and I will never be able to embrace their love as I once did. But that's just me, dear readers. Do you think their relationship can be salvaged? I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.

Readers, do you remember when Nathan said Claudette was his poodle? Don't you wish she were still a poodle?

Before I launch into this, I want to start by saying welcome back to Kirsten Storms, who was dearly missed in her absence. GH did a great job with her temporary recast, but it's good to have our real, spunky Maxie back on canvas. For some reason, she looks slightly different to me. I paused on the screen to try to figure it out but couldn't put my finger on it. Did anyone else notice a difference?

Back to the love quadrangle. Maxie and Nathan think they are caught in a love triangle with Claudette but don't even know about the fourth person in their relationship, who is Griffin. I'm sure it won't be long until it comes out that Fr. Griffin was the man Claudette was sleeping with when she was married to Nathan -- and the man that Nathan shot.

I don't see any jail time in the future for Nathan, but I do see a potential for some blackmail. Will Griffin give up the priesthood for good and pursue Claudette in earnest? I have mixed feelings about that. I like the idea of seeing him involved in a love story, but I have genuinely enjoyed that there was a spiritual aspect to GH since he arrived. It's been missing for years, and it was refreshing that people actually had a pastoral figure with whom to talk about their troubles. If Griffin drops the Father title for good, I would like to see another religious leader in Port Charles to counsel the seriously messed-up citizens who reside there.

Okay, on this I must be adamant: Writers, please do not dangle an "Is Luke dead?" mystery on me unless Tony Geary is coming out of retirement to wrap up the storyline. Just don't do it. Seriously. Don't.

What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will Spencer be cast in the touring company of Richard the III? Will Franco ever learn that Liz was the one who cleared his name? Will Jason apply for a job at Delta now that he remembered he's a pilot? Will Finn and Roxy be connected to Jax and Josslyn? Will the good people of Port Charles realize that nothing good ever happens on Cassadine Island and just stop going there? Will Laura show Kevin her gratitude for taking a bullet for her and saving her life the old-fashioned way (sex)? Will we ever find out who the girl was who brought medical supplies to our heroes on Cassadine Island? Will Liz and Hayden end up being separated twinsies like in The Parent Trap?

Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, and I will tune in tomorrow as long as there are tomorrows.Tamilu

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