Sex toys and wrong boys

A broken statue, a pouch with a needle, a friend being fitted for an orange jumpsuit, a ghostly mobster tormenting a living one -- it's been a strange and spooky week in Port Charles!

Readers, I've taken the strengths finder test, and one of my top five strengths is positivity. Stop laughing. It's true! In my day-to-day life, I can always find a silver lining in almost any cloud. But lately in Port Charles, that silver lining gets dimmer by the day.

My positivity doesn't carry into the GH zone. My head is swimming with things that are distressing to my suds-filled brain. The ruin of Julexis, Nina having to resort to sampling Ecstasy Explosion while Franco delivers toasters and kisses to Liz, the obvious ripoff of the plot of You've Got Mail with Anna and her online beau Sawyer -- who I predict will end up being Paul, the wrong Nikolas walking around some weirdo's manor, and so much talk of a Weeping Naiad that it made me want to start a drinking game.

Let's unpack my suitcase of complaints... Tyler Christopher is Nikolas. Rumor has it he's off due to contract negotiations. Hey, ABC -- just pony up and give Tyler what he's asking for. Why? 1) You can afford it. 2) There is no substitute for Tyler. My husband who pretends he doesn't watch GH said, "New Nikolas is whiny, and he doesn't behave like a prince." If' he's so wrong for the part that my husband chimed in, I can only imagine what serious Tyler fans are feeling. I'm not saying Nick Stabile is a terrible actor, but I am saying after we have watched Tyler in the role for so long, it's hard to turn our brains and hearts off and accept someone in the role who is so different.

Also, I think real Nik and Ava could have some mad chemistry, so I'm hoping to have Tyler back on canvas before this storyline ends. But, end it must, because I don't think I can listen to one more episode where the word "naiad" is said 1400 times. If Huxley doesn't shut up about that damned statue, I'm going to make his naiads weep.

Who is Huxley? Is he connected to someone else we know? Jax? Jerry? Faison? Helena? The Balkan? Obrecht? It seems like he must be in league with some villain. And if you are about to tell me the Balkan and Helena are dead, I think we both know villains (and heroes) have nine lives in Port Charles.

Sam and Jason have arrived at stately Wayne Manor (oops, Lynch Manor) now, so perhaps they can find Nikolas and even save his life so he doesn't die for real. Sam and Jason have entered into a partnership with the devil, agreeing to leave Ava for Huxley if they can have "Mr. Carradine."

I know, I know, I already expressed my displeasure about the horrific events in the lives of Alexis and Julian in my last column. However, I must repeat my protest. Why? On Friday's episode, Ghost Carlos (who gets more air time than live Carlos ever did) was trying to convince Julian that the way to stay out of jail was to murder Alexis -- and Julian is actually thinking about it! Readers, what's the genteel word for pissed? Because I'm pissed. Having Julian slip up and end up back in the mob was predictable. I expected that. But having Julian let Alexis take a murder rap for him and contemplate murdering her is unthinkable. I just hate what the writers have done to this couple.

Sonny (the always fabulous Maurice Benard) is playing devil's advocate to Alexis. Oddly enough, Sonny actually has the moral high ground for a change. He is trying to guide Alexis back to her true self. Of course, being Sonny, he's absolutely doing it for his own reasons. He wants Julian to pay, but I don't think he wants Alexis hurt in the process, even though he told her she was on her own. Sonny is even working with Anna to nab Julian, although she's a little distracted by her e-lover, Sawyer, who I have already predicted is Paul.

My favorite relationships on GH right now are the female friendships -- the Alexis/Diane scenes have been very strong. Diane is walking the delicate balance of both being Alexis' legal counsel and her concerned friend. Even in the concerned friend role, Diane isn't really soft and cuddly. She's more of a tough love kind of gal. If only Alexis had taken Diane's advice two weeks ago and turned in that bloody shirt, she wouldn't be in jail.

Also, the scenes this week with Nina and Maxie were just stellar -- Michelle Stafford and Kirsten Storms have great chemistry. When Maxie was going on and on about Nathan and their forthcoming wedding and happy life, Nina just fell apart and predicted she would never find love and would always be alone. It was heartbreaking and was a conversation every woman on earth has probably had in her head at one point or another, that feeling that romance is in the palm of everyone else's hand while evading us. Both ladies made that seem raw and real and genuine.

Readers, I like the growing friendship/flirtation between Liz and Franco, I really do, but I'm torn because I still like Franco with Nina. I appreciated the insight Franco had when he talked about it to Liz. He explained that when he met Nina, she was emotionally and mentally unstable and in need of his help, but then she suddenly blossomed into a strong, confident woman before his eyes. So, if Franco had a savior complex, he would potentially lose interest when Nina was no longer in need of saving. How do I know that? It may or may not be a topic I have explored in counseling. Haha.

I can't decide if I'd rather see Franco with Liz or Nina. How about you? Who are your ideal pairings on GH? Send me a list! I also kind of like Nina with both Dillon and Julian, so if Kiki dumps Dillon or if Alexis dumps Julian (or ends up in prison), I won't fuss too much if either of those couples takes a spin around the block for a test drive.

What I don't want is for Nina to become a joke. I don't like that they have her acting like a cat in heat, prowling around for any available male in town. She's lost decades of her life; she yearns for real love and a family, so I don't want to see her settle for a warm body in her bed. Stand your ground, girl.

Next up, they better not kill baby Teddy. Sabrina is already wounded from losing her baby with Patrick, and if they let something happen to baby Teddy, I will be very perturbed.

First, since Monica is now chief of staff, I want her to let Sabrina come back to nursing where she belongs. If they can forgive Franco's crimes (serial killer!) and let him work at the hospital, surely Sabrina can get a second chance for just giving Ava the wrong pills. Second, I want her and Michael to try again. Will it take awhile to regain trust? Yes, of course. Will it take even longer for Sabrina to win her way back into Carly's good graces? Obviously. But this is a relationship that I think could have staying power if they take time to build a solid foundation and let it happen organically.

I don't want them to sweep Sabrina's lies and betrayal under the carpet, but I do want her to get a chance to make amends. She knows she screwed up. She admits it. She isn't denying her wrongdoing and lies. Considering the circumstances she was faced with, I'm hoping for her redemption, both personally and professionally.

This week, the scenes with Finn and Hayden intrigued me, and she finally got him to admit that he is dying. We still don't know of what, but I hope they speed it along and it doesn't turn into a Fluke-length storyline. Slow, but steady. She blackmailed the info out of him by taking his notebook hostage. I still think he's experimenting on himself with a drug that might have saved his wife. Time will tell.

What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will Tracy beat Dr. Finn at backgammon or beat him with the backgammon board if baby Teddy takes a turn for the worse? Will anyone ask Not-Nikolas why he suddenly has a different tattoo? Will Ric come to Port Charles to remind Alexis that he is no longer the worst of her exes? Will the naiad stop weeping once it finds its way back home to the manor, or will that scary broad Margarethe make him weep some more? Will Kiki give her really bad cold to any more people by sticking her tongue in their mouths? Will Maxie and Nina realize that Catholic priests probably aren't allowed to pose nude for magazines? Will I stop being bored and find a storyline I can wholeheartedly embrace before summer ends?

Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, and I will tune in tomorrow as long as there are tomorrows.Tamilu

What are your thoughts on General Hospital? What did you think of this week's Two Scoops? We want to hear from you -- so drop your comments in the Comments section below, tweet about it on Twitter, share it on Facebook, or chat about it on our Message Boards.