Crime 101

Wrecked prison vans, mystery kidneys, needle injections, briefcase espionage, so much swirling chaos in Port Charles this week, we might need Three Scoops to unravel it all! Join us as we discuss the week that was in Port Charles.

Dear Readers, I must ask; if someone handed you a Bic pen and a paper clip, could you pick a lock with those items? I could not. I just had to send my husband out to the mailbox to get a package for me because I couldn't even get a lock open with an actual key.

Also, after Jordan made the speech about how it would take 24 hours to arrange security and Nathan said, "Pick me!" you'd think Jordan would have said, "No, this is too big of a case. We need a team." But instead, she let him go. Thankfully, Dante happened by and volunteered, only to end up in a van crash right after his happy reunion with Lulu. Damn. They were so close to finally getting a bigger apartment!

If the previews are any indicator, the police van hit Jason on his motorcycle. He had a helmet on, but I am not sure he (or I) could take one more bout of brain damage and amnesia where Jason turns into a fourth version of himself.

I have watched GH for nearly 40 years, and I don't think I have ever seen a successful prison transport. As I recall, the last one sprung multiple Port Charles criminals in one fell swoop. They need something like the old drive-through bank tube system where they just whoosh a prisoner from the Port Charles Police Station to Pentonville via some underground tunnel.

Also, all prison van drivers seem quite unstable. One little nudge, and they drive their van off the road and crash it. I bet every mom in America, while driving, has taken an elbow to the face from fighting kids in the backseat and can keep driving with one hand while slapping them back into their seats.

Supposing that Carlos is free and not crushed under the van, where would he go? Is Sabrina hiding in plain sight?

While these prison break antics are mildly entertaining, a May Sweeps plot, they are not. I'm still waiting to be wowed. But I should be careful what I wish for, as I wanted to be wowed on Y&R, and they killed off Sage (Kelly Sullivan, former GH Kate Howard/Connie Falconeri). Maybe she can come back from the dead and battle Nina for Crimson!

I'm also troubled that there is trouble in paradise in the land of "Julexis." Julian is lying to Alexis, and she is debating whether or not to believe him. I was yelling at my TV on Friday while she questioned him. "Yes, Alexis, he looked in your briefcase! Yes, it is his fault your witness is dead! No, he hasn't really changed." Dear readers, as much as we love Julian, we must concede that even if you are only having people murdered so you won't go to prison, you're just as guilty of murder as if you don't have a really good reason at all.

Is Alexis really so hot for his body that she is blind to the truth? Oh, please, no. If she knows the truth and opts to stay with him anyway, I can handle that choice in the course of our storyline. However, if they make her into a ninny and she doesn't see through him, that will upset me because Alexis is many things, but stupid isn't one of them.

The real powerhouse in this story is the incredible Haley Pullos. She started out as a dreamy little girl on GH, matchmaking and dreaming of romance. Not anymore. She still has her romantic heart, but she has also blossomed into the moral center of the show and the voice of reason in the Davis family. Her scenes with Alexis this week were extremely compelling. Her rage at her mother's decision to defend the man who shot her Uncle Sonny was genuine and packed a wallop. She left Alexis questioning the state of her soul. Well done, Haley! Your beauty and passion shines through on our TV screens. I predict a few years down the road, Haley will be moving from the "Younger" category to the "Lead" category, assuming the Daytime Emmys live to see another day.

In other Davis girl news, Kristina met a young man named Aaron while she was visiting Morgan and agreed to a date with him. In a shocking twist, Sonny liked and approved of him. Interesting that the kid had heard of Sonny's restaurant and wanted to check out the kitchen. Kristina seemed perched to tell him about her Parker incident and then backed off. She is still searching, testing the waters and exploring her sexuality, embracing her confusion. She seemed to genuinely like and click with Aaron, so perhaps they will form a real relationship. Or maybe dating him will convince her that she's not attracted to men anymore. Only time will tell. I do like Aaron, though, so here's hoping no matter how this plays out, maybe Sonny can hire him at Pozullo's, and we can keep him around for comic relief.

Finn only landed in Port Charles a few weeks ago, and he's already embroiled in two mysteries. One, the seemingly easy-to-solve mystery of what happened to Mr. Ellis...Let's lay out the clues. Finn admitted him for tests. Dr. Obrecht was pissed and felt it was the wrong call. Finn lef the room. Suddenly, and mysteriously, Mr. Ellis died, and Obrecht was hovering over him...

Did she inject him with some serum she is testing out? Did she put a pillow over his face? Or did he actually just die of natural causes? I'm sure Finn will be blamed either way, even though he had apparently just sent the tests in for results. Thankfully, he had Carly witness his bedside manner and kindness to the elderly man, so he has at least one witness in his favor.

That brings us to the second and bigger mystery -- where in the heck did Josslyn's kidney come from? I am still a little saddened by the fact that Jake coming back to life undid the beauty of that storyline. It ripped the heart out of our memory of that powerful decision. Liz giving Jake's kidney to save Josslyn's life was beautiful and tragic (although certainly borrowed from the B.J./Maxie storyline). I'm afraid to think whose kidney might be in Josslyn's body. Can we think of any other dead GH kids from five years ago? Curious.

In other mysteries, Maxie can't let go of the Claudette issue and is casting herself as Veronica Mars, girl detective, to track down Claudette and question her. Here is my theory from the clues that have been dropped. Nathan was married to Claudette. She cheated on him. Nathan did something that would land him in prison. Griffin has a mysterious gunshot scar on his stomach. Hmmm. My soapy senses say that Griffin was in bed with Claudette, and Nathan shot him but never saw his face? And now, Griffin is sniffing around Maxie and might get shot again. Ha.

The other rumor floating around in the Soapiverse is that Griffin is going to be Claudette in a transgender shocker. But at present, that's not where the clues are leading us. However, GH has baited and switched us before, so it's hard to say.

In other news of tortured lovers, Nina and Franco have called it quits. To cope with his heartbreak, Franco is drawing very disturbing Spirograph-inspired pictures of Nina. Jason and Sam saw one and are convinced Franco is going off the rails again. Did his brain tumor grow back? Possibly, or maybe he's just crazy.

If the powers that be broke up Nina and Franco so they could test the waters with Liz and Franco, okay, I'm in. I like them together. I'm so glad Liz is back and on canvas again. I also like that her friendship with Franco makes Jason crazy. He doesn't want Liz, but he still wants to control her. It's not really his call anymore. While Liz has to consider Jason's input as they co-parent Jake, she doesn't have to do whatever he says. If Liz feels like Franco is helping her messed-up kid, she should fight Jason on that point. I don't like it when they make her seem weak. She's not weak. She is tiny but mighty.

I am not really sure why they switched Jakes. While the new kid is certainly adorable and likeable, part of the character of Jake was that he was kidnapped for years. He was held captive, so the quiet, sullen nature of the previous Jake rang true to what the character had been through. Of course, we have only seen new Jake in the puppy scene, so maybe he has a dark side they haven't yet revealed.

Okay, readers, I have to say a quick line about the new Amy. Readers, I have been watching GH since the 70s. The gossipy nurse known as Amy Vining was one of my least favorite characters of all time. When I heard they were bringing back a version of Amy, I threw up a little in my mouth. Maybe the new Amy won't make me cringe as much as the old one did, but I'm going to keep my finger perched on the fast-forward button just in case.

One area where I am glad the writers surprised me is the cat-and-mouse game of Nikolas and Hayden. I thought once the truth came out about Hayden, she would slink off into the night the way Britt did. I'm glad I was wrong. Nik and Hayden are both guilty of evil dealings, and I'm enjoying their dance of love, lust, mistrust, anger, and all the other emotions they bring out in each other. As long as they stay in each other's orbit for a while, I'll be pleased. Is it possible for them to mend their differences and fall in love again? Of course, but not too soon. They have to get past all the lies and deceit. Maybe Lulu and Dante can lock them in the castle with that article Maxie gave them.

Another trial relationship I have noticed the writers floating around and teasing us with is Julian and Nina. Their friendship is blooming. They have set the stage... Nina and Franco are over. When Alexis finds out Julian ordered a hit on Hale and caused him to OD, they will be over, too. So, I predict Julian and Nina will have to console one another some cold, rainy Port Charles night. And, in a twist of fate, she will probably end up pregnant. Hahaha.

Across town, Anna and Griffin are getting closer, and it's starting to get a bit creepy. Is it the writers' intention to have Anna hook up with her dead husband's son? I don't think I'm okay with that. Griffin asks, "Say, Anna, do you want me to spend the night?" in his sultriest voice... Or was I imagining that? If Duke had known about his son, Anna would have been his stepmom. I know I will probably get a pile of hate letters from people telling me I shouldn't judge pseudo-incestuous dalliances, but bring it on.

I think Duke is going to end up being alive. So if the plan is for Anna to be in bed with Griffin and have Duke walk in to find Anna doing his son, that will just make me furious. Instead of a happy reunion, we'd have months of everyone hating each other. Please, just don't do that.

In other slightly blooming relationships, Jordan and Andre finally made love, but she still seems a bit too jealous of Anna. Now that Sean Blakemore won the Emmy for GH, maybe they will bring him back. We now know Shawn didn't kill anyone, so isn't it time to spring him from prison and let T.J. know Shawn is his father? And what would that do to Jordan's fling with Andre? Maybe Curtis will be the one to blow her cover. We still don't know his full story yet.

What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? What will cause Dillon to have to take his shirt off? Will Richard Simmons help plan the Nurses Ball? Will Kiki get a job, enroll in college, or just stay in her pajamas at Nina's place? Will Obrecht ask Franco to buy the unsettling sketches of her niece to take to Madeline in jail for Mother's Day? Will Josslyn accidentally let Roxie the lizard loose in the hotel lobby and cause chaos? Will Sonny let Kristina's date make some Mob Pasta? Will I become even more envious of Carly's (Laura Wright) hair? Will Alexis learn not to leave confidential documents in her briefcase on the couch in front of her (reformed?) mobster husband?

Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, and I will tune in tomorrow as long as there are tomorrows.Tamilu

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