Princess bride (It's inconceivable!)

Nik married Hayden (a.k.a. Rachel), Jake got hit by a car (again), Lulu and Dante called it quits, Valerie made a new friend, Morgan couldn't um... perform. So many reasons to dish about GH in this week's Two Scoops column!

If you marry a prince, you're automatically a princess. But if you marry a prince in a Vegas wedding chapel under an assumed name with devious intentions, you're still just a con artist, even if your husband calls you a princess.

We knew Hayden had a secret identity, and now we know that secret identity's name is Rachel. We know that a guy named Baxter Corbin recognized Hayden/Rachel in the Excalibur, took her hush money, and still ratted her out to a mysterious someone. Who is looking for Rachel, and what will that mean for Nikolas' marriage and Tracy's plan to grab ELQ? On the up side, she signed a pre-nup that says she gets five million bucks after divorcing Nikolas for any reason, so whoever she is, she's rich.

The sad part of this story is that Hayden appears to have developed genuine feelings for Nikolas but will undoubtedly be found out. Her duplicity is bound to blow up in her face. Just like Britt before her, her lies will be her undoing. Speaking of Britt, there are rumors she might be coming back to Port Charles. Are they true? Only time will tell. And if she comes back, does that mean we get to see Spencer? I miss him.

I am intrigued to find out who Rachel is, who she is related to, and who Baxter called to share her whereabouts. Is she related to someone we know? Is she perchance related to the new GH doctor, Griffin Munro? Man, is he pretty. <3

Readers, when Dr. Munro was chatting up Sonny in the hospital chapel, I was torn between thinking he was a long lost relative of Stone's or possibly the son of a rival mob family with an agenda. His interest in Sonny appeared to be more than a casual passerby would show, and he was interested in AIDS, so I am leaning toward a Stone connection.

In other news, I was surprised to see Bridget Forrester (Ashley Jones) turn up at Kristina's door. No idea what I am referring to? A character she used to play on The Bold and the Beautiful. I watch a lot of soaps. While I know in my heart the characters are actors, when I'm not expecting to see someone from another soap on GH, it throws me off.

P = Parker, and while Molly assumes the professor her sister tried to seduce was a "he," it turns out said professor is a "she." I think it's an intriguing storyline; it's just that we never saw any indicators in the past that Kristina was attracted to women. After Kiefer, as I recall, she was crushing on Ethan. Maybe she is bisexual or just experimenting with the notion? I guess as the storyline unfolds, we will see where this is going. All I know is that when Alexis finds out Kristina was suspended for trying to trade sex for an A, it won't be pretty.

Ashley Jones is a welcome sight in Port Charles; she has been off canvas at B&B for years now, so I was happy to see her face. She's a great actor, and I predict she will bring great depth to this role.

In other -- and very happy, in my humble opinion -- casting news, Michael Easton is coming back to GH as a brand new character. Not John McBain, not Silas or Steven Clay, but a whole new person. I don't care what his name is; I shall happily suspend my disbelief.

Maybe he will come back as a fireman and rescue Sam from burning up in Elizabeth's super creepy basement. The last time we saw a basement that creepy, Luke had himself tied up in a chair and was swinging a baseball bat at a pumpkin head.

Last month, we had Valerie trapped in a burning cabin from a candle tip-over, and this month, we have Sam passed out in a basement about to burst into flames from a shady space heater -- my only guess here is that ABC hired a new pyrotechnics guy, and it's in his contract that he gets to stage one fire a month.

Thankfully, Jason is at the door, the smoke alarm is going off, and we all know he will bravely carry her up the stairs and rescue her. Or maybe he will trip down the stairs, and they will both meet their end in the flames, but that doesn't sound like a very romantic soapy Valentine's Day story, does it? Sam is hallucinating visions of Jason telling her to get up and run to him, but she lacks the power to stand. Liz needs some work done on those basement stairs.

After Sam's fall, Jake ran out and got hit by a car again -- maybe Grandpa Luke is back in town and boozing it up in his pink Cadillac? This kid seriously has the worst luck. After the last car accident, wouldn't Elizabeth's neighbors have demanded a streetlight or a guardrail on that dark, dangerous road?

Jake has a black eye, which made me wonder if the car ran over his face. Poor little Jake, he's such a mess. When Lucas said there were complications, I was sure he was going to say they found a chip in Jake's brain.

Last column, I was accused by a couple of readers of being a Liz hater. That is false. I have loved Liz since she was a teenager and was dating Lucky. But I was unhappy with the writing of the storyline that had Liz lying to "Jake" for months about his true identity because that's against the nature of her character.

It was also against the nature of Nikolas' character, too. I was distraught that the writers took two honorable people and made them into liars. The whole town is filled with mobsters and criminals, and we only have a few actual heroes with moral standards and values. Just like when true blue husband Dante this year got turned into a cheater, it angers me. Certainly all human beings are capable of making bad choices, of failing, of not living up to their own standards, me included. But the past year has felt like a deliberate tearing town of Port Charles's moral center, and it bugged me. So, to repeat, I do not hate Liz.

I root for Liz to be happy. I am happy she is being hard on herself now because her self-loathing and regret rings true. The Liz I have known all these years would definitely be beating herself up, just like she did when she slept with her almost brother-in-law.

I feel for her. She lost the man she loves, a car hit her son, and now it seems her house may burn down. Jake keeps running away. I think Liz should dog chip him so she can track him on an iPhone app. Also, it was nice to have a sighting of Cameron, but Aiden is still MIA.

It was nice to see Carly offering her sympathy. I really like the way Carly has softened this past year. She's a gentler version of Carly but without losing her bite. She has matured, and I thank the writers who have brought her forward in her development.

Liz and Carly both love their children, and Nina wants a child to love, too -- but her options are all a bit out of reach. She can't have a child of her own, and as Franco wisely pointed out, an adoption agency would be unlikely to award her with a child because of her past mental problems and crimes, but those facts haven't erased her desire to be a mom.

Maybe the doctor was wrong, and she can conceive? Maybe Franco will buy or steal a baby to prove his love? Maybe they will break up, and Liz will date Franco so he can help Li'l Jake? Who knows? I just know I would never be in that situation because I am not a baby person. Nina could have my baby if I had one. I would just give it to her so I wouldn't have to listen to it cry. (No hate mail, please; it's just a joke.) Sort of.

The scene that most broke my heart this week was Dante and Lulu giving up on their marriage and signing divorce papers. I am troubled that they gave up so easily. No marriage counseling, no talking to their priest, no sitting down together to get advice from their parents -- just easily accepting defeat. We live in a disposable world, and people just throw things away rather than try to repair them. I hope this isn't truly the end of them. Today I got the impression that Maxie was trying to urge them to reconsider their decision. Maybe they will remarry in some spectacular ceremony at Christmastime.

Dante's affair with Valerie was on the Fourth of July, and he and Lulu divorced six months later. Hardly enough time to recover from such a blow. But it can be done. I would venture a guess that any couple that has been married for decades had some major bumps along the road -- and recovering from them takes time. Here's hoping they eventually find their way back to one another.

Lulu apologized to Valerie for nearly getting her killed, but Valerie wasn't willing to accept that apology. I can't say that I blame her. She got respect from Curtis, and I think Dillon just lost his date for the night.

Kiki is willing to give Morgan another shot at romance, even though he slept with her mom and a woman he believed to be her aunt....but was in fact also her mom. Morgan is about to go off the rails again, though, because he can't have sex because his meds are messing with his mojo. So, of course Morgan immediately went off his meds and started drinking. I wonder what trouble he will get into next?

What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will Ava be able to get out of the mob by making a fortune selling her miracle flu recovery remedy? Will Coleman ever come back to his bar and class it up? Will Olivia's breast-feeding centerfold in Crimson make Mayor Lomax's head explode? Will Tracy and Laura become BFFs and swap stories about their respective adventures with Luke? Will Griffin Munro catch Dr. Obrecht's eye? Will any couples (we care about) in Port Charles have a happy Valentine's Day?

Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, and I will tune in tomorrow as long as there are tomorrows.Tamilu

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