Can't start a fire without a spark

When you do things to blow up people's lives, you can expect that the people affected might do something crazy to try to get even with you. However, you have to be very specific when you get felons to do you favors. And how messed up is Li'l Jake is when the only person who seems able to help him is a former serial killer? Also this week, Jason had a memory of Sam, and Dante called it quits with Lulu for good. Join our columnist to discuss all this and more!

When Lulu asked Johnny to help her get rid of Valerie, I do not believe she meant, "Tie her up in a burning cabin and leave her to die." That's why you have to be very specific when you get felons to do you favors. "Get rid of her" could mean seduce her. It could mean lure her back to Pennsylvania. It could mean take her for a little ride to the Pine Barrens. It's kind of a hazy term. Next time you want to be rid of your husband's lover, Lulu -- spell it out.

Lulu didn't clearly communicate her expectations, Johnny got a little frazzled and made a bad plan even worse. If Johnny hadn't covered for her, Lulu would be sharing a cell with Madeline Reeves or some other lady thug in Pentonville. Lulu has always had an impulsive streak -- she's a wild child like her father. But as Dante noted on Friday's episode, he didn't know that Lulu was capable of something so vindictive and reckless.

Some of you have written me this week to see if I feel sorry for Valerie. No. I feel sorry that her mom died. I feel sorry that Valerie stayed in Port Charles after the funeral instead of going back home to the town she was raised in and presumably had friends. I feel sorry that she was so lonely in the new town she had no reason to stay in that she latched onto her cousin's husband. I feel sorry that Dante jumped to the worst possible conclusion about Lulu and slept with Valerie for revenge sex. I feel sorry that one of daytime's happiest couples has been needlessly blown apart. I feel sorry that Johnny didn't gag her sooner. I feel sorry that Valerie knocked the candle over, but we all knew she was going to do it as soon as we saw the flame flicker on the table.

But I'm not sorry Valerie was kidnapped. When you do things to blow up people's lives, you can expect that the people affected might do something crazy to try to get even with you. At least in the wonderful world of soaps. Hasn't Dante ever seen Fatal Attraction?

I was hoping for a Lante reconciliation before Valentine's Day, but it seems we may linger in limbo for a while longer. I wonder how long Lulu and Dante's frozen embryo can last? Rocco needs a playmate.

Having a playmate hasn't really worked out for Liz's kids, though, because although Jake supposedly has two brothers to play with, it seems Cam and Aiden have vanished. Has the seemingly wicked Li'l Jake locked them in their toy box because he's jealous that Mommy bathes and feeds them, too? He's getting seriously creepy.

Readers, I don't know what to think. Is someone after Liz and her boys? My best guess is that Jake himself is the culprit. I bet he broke the photo. I bet he lied about seeing someone at the window. But, Liz has been so shady lately that I can't rule her out, even though she swears she isn't lying "this time." As you may recall, she lied to Sam again just this week and let Sam think Jason was in the room with her. I am not willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. When Jason walked up while Liz was lying, I howled. Ha! If I were Sam, I would have made an issue of it at that exact moment. "Oh, so Jason is not in there like you just told me, and he is instead standing out here. Do you ever stop lying?" But Sam is playing it cool instead, which is wiser but much less fun.

Li'l Jake is about to start art therapy with Franco, much to Liz's dismay. You know your kid is messed up when the only person to help him is former serial killer Franco. But, the post brain tumor Franco is a much kinder, gentler Franco. I am looking forward to a friendship building between Franco and Liz. Since she has screwed up so monumentally herself, she should be a little less judgy of others, I think.

GH took on a hot topic this week when they had Mayor Lomax freak out about Olivia breastfeeding her baby in public. Let's call this Boobygate. Apparently Mayor Lomax (the fabulous Shari Belafonte) is unnerved by the site of a woman breastfeeding in a mostly empty restaurant but not at all offended by random boobs the citizens of Port Charles display daily. For instance, Sam, who wears push-up bras and tank tops to handily display her ample cleavage all year long. So, to recap: Sexy Boobies are not offensive in Port Charles, but Mommy Boobies are terribly offensive to the mayor. If Felicia had her rightful seat in the mayor's office, I bet she wouldn't mind Olivia breastfeeding . After all, she understands Mommy issues. As you may recall, she gave birth to her daughter Georgie under a table at Luke's bar! Mayor Lomax would have called the health department and shut that joint down!

The breastfeeding issue is making the rounds on social media. There have been hidden camera videos on YouTube watching people berate moms covered by blankets, feeding their babies on park benches. What is your take, dear readers? Are you offended by breastfeeding moms? Are you offended by random cleavage from passing hoochie mamas? I say this in love, since I spent most of the 80s lightly veiling my breasts in Madonna lace and propping them up to be as highly visible as possible, and teasing my hair as big as possible, so trust me, I don't judge.

Speaking of moms, I have enjoyed Laura's motherly love and advice to Nikolas, Lulu, and Liz. While I am still hoping she gets her own storyline, it warms my heart to see the way Genie Francis has taken on this role and is playing the nurturing, wise woman that Laura would be after all these years of adventure. I think the reason it touches me so much is that we are about the same age -- when she was in high school on GH, I was in high school, and Laura's transition into "everyone's mom" mirrors my own. Every day when I go to work, there are girls in their 20s and 30s who come to me for advice. After all the craziness of living 50 years, boy do I have some solid advice to give them. And so does Laura.

But the trouble with giving advice is that people don't always take it. As Lulu noted on Friday "If only I had listened to you..." before she completely blew up what was left of her marriage. Now Laura's advice is going to have to be about how to pick up the pieces of a broken life, which Laura has had to do a time or two. Still, I want Laura to find love again. AARP-aged ladies need romance, too!

Carly is trying to be a good mom, stepmom, and wife and went to Ava with her heart in her hand, humbled herself before her enemy, and begged Ava to let Avery have an extended visit with Sonny. Laura Wright was so compelling and passionate in her plea, I would have given her my baby to visit overnight, and I don't even know her. And, of course, I don't have a baby.

Ava was unmoved and spat the word "No!" out of her mouth like an arrow. Enter Kiki. Kiki reminded Ava of how she kept Kiki from Silas all of her life, the tragic way that played out, and the hole it left in Kiki's heart. She begged her mom not to repeat that same mistake with her new daughter. Ava, if only to appease Kiki, agreed to think about it.

Readers, I know I didn't like the recast version of Kiki for a good long time. I am willing to admit it was mostly because I had been watching Kristen Alderson since she was a kid on One Life to Live, and I was sad she left. But Hayley Erin is growing as an actor and growing on me. I didn't like the drunk Kiki storyline at all; it drove me nuts. But as soon as she put down the bottle, Kiki emerged as a better person and a character my heart can embrace, and Hayley Erin has brought a real warmth and maturity to the role I didn't know she had in her. I am so pleased with this development. She is shining bright these days.

Back to Ava. Ava killed Connie, yet she wants forgiveness and to bond with Olivia and be Baby Yoga buddies. Sonny killed A.J. but wants everyone to forgive him and understand it was all just a big misunderstanding. Both of these characters have done particularly terrible things and seek forgiveness, so you'd think for the sake of their daughter, they could at least forgive each other. I know it will be slow going, but I would love to see Ava and Sonny one day look together in the direction of Avery and be happy together over her existence. But for now, just snark and snarl!

However, it appears that Ava may be in over her head in mob business, and I predict that Julian will have to jump back into the mob world to save her from herself.

Alexis and Sonny are happy about their daughter Kristina, but they are unaware that she tried to trade sex for an A and got kicked out of college. Sonny assumes his daughter is keeping her distance because she is embarrassed by his lack of education. Alexis encouraged him to sign up for some classes and go to college now. Let's see, maybe he could study criminal justice to learn about how other mobsters were busted so he can avoid the same fate. Or perhaps he could study Starbucks' marketing plan in business school to learn the best practices for coffee selling. He could join a frat and make all the students who try to haze him disappear. He could bribe the coaches of opposing teams to ensure his school's football victory in every game? He could have Max buy kegs for frat parties and drop them off in his limo. The list of possibilities is endless.

Sonny offered Morgan a job at ground level of the coffee business, and I think we all know that Morgan will immediately start poking his nose around into other aspects of Sonny's business, do something impulsive, and get himself into danger. I am so confident about this predication that if this does not happen, I will stop calling myself Soap Diva.

Meanwhile, in other soap news, Jason had an actual memory of Sam with feelings attached! This is not good news for Liz, because although Jake Doe was in love with Liz, Jason Morgan was in love with Sam, and the more he remembers, the worse the odds are for Liz to regain Jason's trust. And the scene he remembers about the two of them caught in the rain is a poignant memory for those of us that have followed Sam and Jason's love story. Since we know Jason had plastic surgery, I don't think it would hurt to show the actual flashback with Steve Burton, since in his memory, he would remember his old face, right? That's an interesting question. If you redo your face, do you dream and remember your original face, or does your brain insert your new face into your dreams?

One year, Jeff and I went to Paris, and I spent months brushing up on my college French. One night I dreamt in French and knew I had arrived. Until I got to Paris and realized they talked a lot faster than I could translate.

But I digress. Back across the pond to Port Charles. Nikolas told Hayden he loved her and asked her to be his wife. I get the impression Hayden legitimately loves Nikolas and is dying to say yes, but she has secrets and knows that saying yes will eventually expose her deception. I know this will never happen because it's a soap, but Hayden could tell him everything, tell him she was hired by Tracy to get ELQ back, tell him her true identity (that even we don't know yet), and not pull a Britt and just wait until it all blows up in her face. But, I predict she will wait until it all blows up in her face. Or Curtis will find definitive proof that Nikolas was the one who had her shot, and she won't be able to forgive the attempted murder to marry him. Which, of course, is a reasonable reaction.

What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will Carly try to throw another Very Merry Unbirthday for Jason? Will Sabrina trade in her Puerto Rican accent for the Canadian "eh?" after another three months in Halifax? Will Nina's new issue of Crimson focusing on Boobygate fly off the stands like the infamous green issue? Will Johnny come back for more witty banter with his new lawyer Scott and off-the-charts chemistry with (his real-life wife) Maxie? Will Anna regret everything she confessed to the multitasking GH shrink and WSB operative Andre? Will T.J. get to visit with his shady Uncle Curtis? Will I buy more Cocoluxe from Michelle Stafford after one of my girlfriends actually asked me the infomercial question: "Your skin looks amazing. What are you doing differently these days?" (Yes!) Will any GH couples still be together on Valentine's Day to have hot dates with roses and chocolates and candlelit dinners? Will Lulu hire Diane to be her divorce attorney and get custody of that ratty little apartment they live in?

Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, and I will tune in tomorrow as long as there are tomorrows.Tamilu

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