Nice day for a white wedding -- and shattered dreams

Lulu's world fell apart, while Liz was on the brink of finally having everything that she's ever wanted -- until Carly dropped a bombshell on Jake. Our columnist is ready to dish about all the highs and lows of a week fraught with long-awaited revelations and broken dreams.

Seriously, they should just take Carly's driver's license away from her and ban her from ever driving because whenever she climbs behind the wheel of a car, she inevitably ends up in an accident, even if it isn't her fault. It's as certain as death, taxes, and disastrous weddings at All Saints Church.

I'm truly astounded that Liz, who was determined not to jinx her sham wedding, foolishly booked the same church where Robin returned from the "dead" as Patrick and Sabrina exchanged "I dos." If that isn't bad juju, then I don't know what is. Liz should have known that her wedding to Jason was doomed in the ill-fated church, even if Laura had crossed her heart and promised to keep her lips zipped and Nikolas had vowed to a close eye -- and muzzle -- on Hayden during the ceremony.

I'm baffled as to why Nikolas even agreed to take Hayden, who is suddenly slinking around and grinning like a Cheshire cat, to the wedding of the man whose identity she had threatened to expose before Nikolas arranged to have a bullet put in her head. Obviously, Nikolas is once again too blinded by lust to realize that he's being played. Thankfully, Laura appears to be onto Hayden, while Hayden is tragically clueless that she's messing with the wrong woman. Laura's tangled with the likes of Helena and walked away, so Hayden is little more than a pesky nuisance.

I had hoped that Laura's very sage advice to Liz would get through Liz's thick noggin, but sadly, it did not. Liz traipsed off to the church of broken dreams, merrily put on her wedding dress, and dropped all her problems and sorrows into the beaded purse Epiphany loaned her, certain that all her dreams were about to come true. Not even a visit from Hayden and a conversation loaded with innuendos and cryptic remarks could slow down Liz's sojourn down the river of denial.

I'm afraid that Liz will only have herself to blame for the fall she's about to take. And fall she will because it was written all over her face when she saw Jake's grim expression as he entered the church and refused to look her in the eye. Although the blow will be cushioned by the fact that Jason still has no memory of his past and continues to love Liz.

Too bad for Jason polygamy isn't legal because Sam and Liz would make for two very interesting sister wives, especially when -- not if -- Carly tried to wrangle herself a spot in the lineup.

I didn't for a second buy that faux expression of concern on Carly's face as she stood behind Jason, bedraggled but none the worse for wear, quivering with excitement over the prospect of watching Jason call off the wedding. She's been trying to get him to back out of it from the second "Jake" confided that he wanted to marry Liz.

I've never really understood the murky world of soaps when it comes to marriages remaining intact even after a person is legally declared dead like Jason and Robin were. I'm pretty sure in real life it doesn't work that way because of disbursements of wills and estates, plus possible marriages of surviving spouses. But since this is the world of soaps and couples remain legally married even in death, Jason will have to end his marriage to Sam before he can walk down the aisle with Liz, which will buy Sam time to reunite with the love of her life.

As it stands right now, there's a very real possibility that Jason could pick Liz over Sam because only four people are aware that Liz has known for a while that Jake is Jason: Nikolas, Laura, Lucky, and Hayden. The first three won't say a peep, but Hayden is a different issue. She has an agenda, so she might use that little nugget of information to her advantage.

I have to say that the writers did an excellent job of setting things up to get maximum mileage out of this storyline. Instead of having everything come out at once, they are letting things unfold one step at a time. I also like that they didn't have Jason suddenly remember his past when Carly told him who he was. Not only does it not work like that in real life, but it keeps Jason from morphing back into the Jason he once was.

It's far more realistic for Jason to be a changed man because he's been through some life-altering ordeals like being shot, left for dead, cryogenically frozen, defrosted, hit head-on by an SUV, surviving brain trauma, having facial reconstruction, and spending a year with amnesia. You don't endure all of that and emerge the same person you once were. I honestly hope that his memories never return. I'm fine with a few flashes of memory here and there, but I find this version of Jason far more interesting than the one he was during his decades as Sonny's enforcer.

Also, a part of me wants Carly and Sonny to have a glimpse of what Monica and Alan went through when the Jason Quartermaine they raised and loved suddenly vanished overnight and turned into Jason Morgan. It's an old grudge, I know, but it's one that I've never quite let go of because Carly and Sonny never tried to help Jason reconnect with his family. If anything, they used every opportunity they had to drive a wedge between Jason and the Quartermaines whenever they sensed that he was getting close to them. The only relationship that Sonny and Carly encouraged was the one Jason had with his nephew, Michael.

Jason should become his own man rather than the man Carly and Sonny constantly turned to whenever they needed someone to fix their problems, bail them out of trouble, or -- in Sonny's case -- take down an enemy. I'm fairly certain that Sam would love for Jason to keep his distance from Sonny and Carly, too, despite recent remarks about her still being a danger junkie and drawn to Jake for that reason. I prefer Sam to remember that she went through years of heartache and hell to have that son she has at home and to honor Danny by living a danger-free life. There are other ways to indulge in the rush of thrill seeking without putting your family at risk, which Sam seems to have learned in recent years. I don't want her to regress because she's got Jason back in her life.

I still believe that Jason and Sam will be the endgame, especially if Liz opts to keep lying about what she knew and when, which, sadly, I think Liz will. I believe Liz truly does love Jason, but she doesn't trust in that love -- or any love really -- because she has issues rooted back to her childhood when her parents essentially abandoned her on Audrey's doorstep. Not once in all the years that Liz has been in Port Charles have her parents visited their daughter or even reached out to her despite some very dark and troubled times she's suffered.

Jason will feel rightfully betrayed by Liz when he finds out that she knew who he was while he was agonizing over his missing years. But if people expect him to walk away and wash his hands of her when he learns the truth, then I'm afraid they will be in for a big disappointment because Jason and Liz do share a son. I can't imagine any of this will sit well with little Jake, so Jason, Liz, and Sam will have to work together to help little Jake through the difficult road ahead. That child has been through enough and will need the adults in his life to put his needs ahead of their own.

I can't wait to see the expression on Dr. Maddox's face when Jason, Liz, Sam, and Jake show up for a family therapy session.

Liz should have a chat with Dante about keeping secrets because this week, his dirty little secret blew up in his face in a major way when Dillon switched a sizzle reel of the movie with the behind-the-scenes footage of Valerie confessing to her clandestine night of passion with Dante.

I rarely blame the other woman when a married man has an affair because it's the married man who makes vows to his wife, not the woman he cheated with. However, Valerie is one of the rare exceptions because she is Lulu's cousin. It doesn't matter to me if they weren't raised together; they are family, and Valerie knew that when she crawled into bed with Dante -- a bed that he shared with his wife.

I know that it happens on soap operas because the pool of fish is much smaller than in the real world, but it's hard for me to muster up sympathy for Valerie when she doesn't make any real effort to move on and do the right thing or even show genuine remorse for what she's done. Instead, Valerie mopes around and continues to long for a man who doesn't even want her. Yes, he was attracted to Valerie, as Lulu wisely pointed out, but being attracted to someone doesn't necessarily mean it can lead to a relationship.

It truly irks me that instead of keeping her distance from Lulu and Dante to let them figure things out, Valerie showed up at the scene of the crime -- love, love, love Lulu's analogy -- the very next morning on the pretext of talking to Lulu. The fact that Valerie thinks Lulu is in any frame of mind to talk to the woman her husband slept with shows a complete lack of empathy. Additionally, Valerie doesn't seem to have a genuine grasp on how deep her betrayal cuts if she thinks she can somehow make things better with a heart-to-heart talk with Lulu while the wound is still fresh and raw.

I'm also annoyed by the notion that Lulu bears any -- even a smidgen of it -- responsibility for Dante's choice to betray his marital vows. It was Dante's decision to deal with his problems by having sex with Valerie. Lulu didn't hold a gun to Dante's head. Yes, Lulu lied about where she was, and it did look very bad when Dante realized that she had been sharing a hotel room with Dillon, but as Dante quickly found out, looks can be deceiving. More importantly, two wrongs don't make a right. Even if Lulu had cheated on Dante, it didn't make it okay for Dante to sleep with her cousin or for Valerie to have sex with her cousin's husband.Instead of truly being remorseful, Valerie got snippy when Lulu accused her of being Dante's "whore." Had that been me, there would have been a few more descriptive expletives accompanied by claw marks across Valerie's face. I was floored when Valerie told Lulu that she would let the insult pass once then went on to say that she was tired of apologizing to Lulu.

Really? When exactly did Valerie apologize for sleeping with Lulu's husband and lying about it for months? At the Haunted Star when Lulu's head exploded like one of those jet.com commercials? If so, that doesn't count because Lulu probably didn't hear anything over the blood rushing to her head as her vision turned red. More importantly, though, betraying your cousin like that is not something you apologize once for and then move on from. You keep apologizing until the person you wronged believes that you are truly remorseful.

I applauded Lulu for packing up and moving out of the loft. In her shoes, I would never want to set foot in that place again. And should she and Dante patch things up and try to save their marriage, the first thing they should do as a couple is burn that bed. Sadly, I don't see a reconciliation happening anytime soon, especially if Valerie has anything to say about it.

Valerie had the gall to go to the Haunted Star, looking for Dillon -- as if Lulu would let him within 1000 feet of the ship at this point -- and then had herself a little pity party as she thought about her one-night stand with Dante. Valerie's thoughts weren't on how hurt and devastated Lulu was when the truth came out but on the heated kiss Valerie shared with Dante. I suspect Valerie is hoping that now that the truth is out, she and Dante might have a chance to be together. If so, she's as delusional as Dillon was when he decided the best way to expose Dante's lies was by publicly humiliating Lulu.

I found it interesting that Patrick had a thick tome titled Family Therapy on the bookshelf behind his bed. It should be required reading for all households in Port Charles. And yes, I'm a book nerd who notices stuff like that.

The Haunted Star's salon must be gargantuan and well insulated for Kiki and Morgan to be arguing in one corner, Dillon and Valerie trading heated words in the center of the room, and Maxie angrily confronting Nathan about Dante's secret near the bar, without anyone drowning any of the other squabbling couples out.

Okay, so apparently, Morgan found Kiki passed out behind the wheel of the car after an accident, but never noticed his mom's car, smoking and hissing, behind a nearby rock? Morgan is officially the world's least observant person. Am I surprised? No, he slept with Ava and Denise multiple times and didn't realize that they were the same person.

Hey, I have an idea. Let's give amped-up kids something loaded with sugar and potentially messy like ice cream before their mother's wedding ceremony. What were nurses Epiphany, Felix, and Sabrina thinking? I suspect they secretly hate Liz.

And this is why people don't trust Maxie with secrets, especially involving Lulu Nathan

: "Maxie, come on. This is not about me keeping something from you, okay? This is about me being a loyal friend to Dante."Maxie: "No. This is about keeping your girlfriend -- the woman you're supposed to love, trust, and respect -- in the dark. You know, if you had opened up to me, I might not necessarily have run and told Lulu."

Franco as the concerned father works for me. He makes me dislike Kiki lessFranco: "What the hell are you doing here?"Morgan: "I'm taking care of Kiki. Can you lower your voice? I'm sure she would appreciate that."Kiki: "Just a smidge. I'm kind of hurting here."Franco: "This is how you take care of somebody? I can smell the booze on her from here. What did you do to her, Morgan?

Scott catches Ava trying to book a flight for two to ChinaAva: "And it's a direct flight? Done. Book it. Uh, my -- my credit-card number is --" [Scott snatches phone away]Scott: "Yeah, um, she's gonna be taking the Greyhound bus. Goodbye."

Finally, for a good laugh, please click on this link and watch the best spoof of soaps I've seen in ages.

Take care and happy viewing,Liz Masters

What are your thoughts on General Hospital? What did you think of this week's Two Scoops? We want to hear from you -- so drop your comments in the Comments section below, tweet about it on Twitter, share it on Facebook, or chat about it on our Message Boards.