Incredible growing babies and giant invisible cats

Giant cats opening doors, babies growing to watermelon size in record time, lax security in every institution, you just never know what sort of mayhem will happen in Port Charles! Let's discuss this week's portion of crazy!

Dear readers, I love it when you write to me. This week, the GH question asked by multiple readers was, "How on earth could Olivia's baby be that big already when she just barely found out she was pregnant?"

Well, readers, in this case, the answer is simple -- it's a real baby. The actress who plays Olivia, the delightful Lisa LoCicero, is about five months pregnant in real life, so she's a bit further along than Olivia. And they can't really reduce her real-life baby bump, so just suspend your disbelief and imagine that Julian Jr. is going to be a really big boy.

I'm enjoying the softening relationship between Julian and Olivia. Eventually, Julian will find out the baby is his and not Ned's, and I kind of hope he finds out from Olivia's mouth instead of from some trumped-up medical emergency where only he can be the donor... I don't want it to break up Julian and Alexis, but I would like Olivia and Julian to be civil and for Ned to marry Olivia and be a great stepdad. But this is a soap, so my happy dream world probably won't happen quite so neatly. Julian has a vicious mobster side and a tender hunky side, and I like that Olivia has finally seen the kinder side of Julian.

Julian and Alexis were having a little afternoon delight on Sam's couch when Sam and Patrick walked in on them. Super awkward! I understand that Alexis' lake house burned down, but she's a high-powered lawyer with a ton of mob cash in the bank so A) She could have her lake house rebuilt, B) She could rent Johnny's penthouse right across the hall from Sam since he's on the lam, or C) She could get a suite at the Metro Court like everyone else does. Then she could have steamy couch sex in private. Just sayin'.

When Sam and Patrick walked in, they scurried up to the bedroom and started having some creepy Hobbit conversation while staring at a ring. That's really the only reference I can drop because those movies bored the crap out of me, and I fell asleep in the theatre after about two hours of people just walking up a mountain, staring at a ring. Zzzzzzz.

Sam has all the pieces of the puzzle but doesn't have a box with a picture to help her put them together. Jake doesn't know who he is. He had plastic surgery. Jason's body was never found. He took her dragon figurine and made mysterious comments about her wedding rings. Sam's a great P.I. for everyone else but can't solve her own mystery.

To add to the confusion, Ric hired Hayden to pose as Jake's wife to get him out of town and away from Elizabeth. This is not a well thought-out plan, which is typical for most Ric-based plans. He didn't put Jake in a panic room but conjured up a fake wife and a Fake Jake to pose in bogus wedding photos, never considering that Fake-Jake would come back for more bank. What Pete doesn't know is that Ric might just as happily kill him as have Pete stay alive and mess up his lame plan.

The other problem is that Hayden will most likely fall for Jake, and then we will have to watch Liz, Carly, Hayden, and Sam all sniffing around Jake and endless catfights, and frankly, I get that because Billy Miller is a honey.

Where will Jake land at the end of this? Liz and Jake have a real connection, but Liz felt compelled to back off when she found out Jake was married. Ladies, I have to say Liz is a better woman than I am. I think I would say, "He said he doesn't remember you, Hayden, so get the freak out." Ha. But, he does have memory loss, and even when it comes out that he is Jason, he might not remember being married to Sam either. Maybe Jake will actually stay with Liz.

I like that Carly has jumped into the fray and is teaching Elizabeth to fight instead of give up. Carly is like a bulldog, and Hayden is her new bone. There is no way Carly will stop until she's unraveled the mystery that leads directly to her archenemy Ric. I can hardly wait for that scene!

The other scene I can't wait for is the one being shown in promos for April 1st. Readers, if I wasn't just coming off of a week's vacation, I'd probably call in to work sick just to be able to watch it live. Luke will finally remember his 30-year-old secret! I've been trying to guess -- but what could it be? My best guess is that maybe Luke killed his abusive dad, Tim? Maybe Patricia loved Daddy, and Tim only beat Luke and Bobbie? I don't know, of course, it's pure speculation, but I know Luke's mom, Lena, died, and the story was that Tim walked out on the family, but maybe Luke offed him instead? What do you think Luke's 30-year-old secret could be?

As we wait, we can instead revel in the addition of a new Spencer to the clan, cousin Valerie. I immediately liked her and was so glad that Fluke just knocked her out and didn't kill her. I was afraid she was going to be like Ensign Ricky on Star Trek. When Valerie wouldn't let Lulu and Tracy into her apartment, I had a hunch Luke was inside, and like Tracy, I was pretty sure she didn't have a giant cat named Gunnar who could open closet doors by the doorknob. Tracy had the good sense to be suspicious, but Lulu gave Valerie the benefit of the doubt. Thankfully, Dante helped her realize the truth in time to rescue Valerie from her assault at Luke's hand.

It turns out Patricia is not dead but is in a convalescent home named Oak Hill, which apparently employs the same ineffective institutional security company as Shadybrook and Miscavige, whereby any knife- or gun-wielding maniac can breeze right in and take hostages. The only thing missing is Heather with a syringe of LSD, trying to reclaim Luke as her one true love. April 1st can't come quick enough for me -- I am so ready to finally know this secret!

I'm also ready for the baby drama to be over between Michael, Morgan, and Kiki; please, I beg you, make it stop. So, let me see if I can get this straight... Kiki and Morgan's plan is to get Michael to drink a brewski with his Zyrtec allergy pill, thereby making him look like an alcoholic to get the baby back? Come on, really?

These scenes make my fast-forward finger very itchy, I just want to speed past all these scenes until Avery is enrolled at PCU. If Michael is really concerned with the safety of his siblings, why doesn't he check in on his sister Josslyn, whom no one has seen since Spencer's party? For all he knows, wolves or the descendants of the Five Families are raising her. Maybe she left for the Outback on a kangaroo to find Jax? No one in her family would know. His sister Kristina could be in a cult or have joined the circus by now because we haven't heard a peep about her in years. But back to the baby...

There is no chance that Avery isn't going to need therapy when she grows up. Her mother, Ava, refused to have Avery tested as a donor match to save her life but instead tried to convince Silas to kill her in an assisted suicide. Which reminded me of Prince Humperdink: ''Please consider me as an alternative to suicide." Because, seriously, imagine you have cancer and your child is a potential match, would you refuse to have them tested? Sure, if Avery is a match, it would mean Ava stepping forward and showing the world she is alive, and she would most likely be sent back to Pentonville after her treatment, but so what? There is hope for parole and a chance to see your child grow up! It makes no sense to me that she'd rather end her life than even have Avery tested.

Another thing that doesn't make sense to me is anyone agreeing to a boxing match with Spinelli. That having been said, I thought it was hilarious and provided the week's comic relief. I loved that Sonny, who was never especially fond of Spinelli, took the Jackal under his wing and coached him to box. There was a certain sweetness to that scene, like when you see some big muscle-bound tough guy walking a toy poodle with a pink collar.

Maxie is still torn between two lovers because they are both acting like idiots fighting over her, and it's hard for her to wrap her head around their antics. To be honest, I can't make my mind up either. Every day, I talk myself into and out of one of them. I love her with Nathan. I love her with Spinelli. I love both guys who are magical and wonderful, each in their own way.

But I keep tipping back to Spinelli for two reasons: 1) They have a child together, and I think baby Georgie needs them both, and 2) Spinelli accepts Maxie as she is, a woman who is good at the core but sometimes reckless and impulsive. Nathan doesn't understand that part of her and nearly ended their relationship because she helped Johnny escape town, while Spinelli just accepted that as something Maxie would do.

While I love the concept of people making each other better, I don't know that I believe it. I am in my 50s and have tried to "fix" many men over the years in whom I saw "potential," and that never really worked out for me. A wise friend of mine finally said to me, "If you love someone for their potential and not for who they are right now, you're in love with a person who doesn't exist, a figment of your imagination."

What you have to ask yourself is, "If they never change, if they always stay just exactly as they are, can I be happy with them?" and if the answer is no, move along. Chances are they will never quit smoking, or drinking, or lying, or cheating, or being lazy. You have to be able to say, "I'm okay with that! I dig being involved with a chain-smoking alcoholic with no job." And if not, find a new boyfriend. Using that logic, Maxie is a better fit for Spinelli because he loves her just as she is right now.

One couple on GH has this theory down and could teach a college course on it! Enter our newly exonerated couple, Nina and Franco. They are liars, mental patients, criminals, and both totally unstable, and they absolutely love that about each other. They know each other's sins and crimes and revel in it. They scheme together and blackmail together, and they are happy as clams. Maybe that's the real ticket; just embrace your inner villain. :

Question: where is Madeline? Last we saw her, she was booted off the prison van on her way to court and got left behind during the big jail escape. I predict she will show up again, dressed to the nines, just about the time Nina gets her fortune back from the state of New York.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Nina and Franco are my favorite couple on GH right now. I know how twisted that may sound, but their radiant, jubilant love for one another -- a love that will make any sacrifice just to be together -- is thrilling to behold. I think we all yearn for that kind of love in our life -- but really, do you know anyone who would purposely get themselves committed to a mental hospital just to be near you? That's hot.

What's not hot is that Anna is going to get Duke arrested or killed. Rumor has it that Ian Buchanan has been let go from GH and that this latest plot twist with Anna determined to bring him down will end up being the death of Duke. Of course, since Duke didn't admit to Sonny that he knows Jordan is a cop wearing a wire, when Duke is offed, Sonny will trust her, and the drama can continue.

I have to say I am almost rooting for Commissioner Sloane to prevail. Anna has become despicable to me. Just last year, she broke the law and locked Faison in a horse barn with bricks on top of a trap door, so her "letter of the law" attitude doesn't carry much weight with me. In addition, Duke is supposed to be the love of her life, yet she's gunning for him instead of targeting their mutual archenemy, Julian. It doesn't make sense, character-wise, and can only be explained by ABC's decision to fire him, thereby needing a lame plot to get rid of him. Boo.

What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will Patricia be able to kick Fluke from behind to make him drop the gun, or will Gunnar the giant cat save them? Will Valerie move to Port Charles to get to know her family and get crack medical care for her mom from her Aunt Bobbie? Will Silas agree to kill Ava, or will his brother Stephen the vampire come and suck her blood until she becomes immortal? Will Patrick and Sam keep lying in bed, talking about Sam's old wedding ring in the jar instead of getting it on? Will Elizabeth ever go home and see if Cam and Aiden have burned her house down, since they've seemingly been there alone for days? Will Laura finally come home from France to help Luke when she hears he had a super good reason for treating her the way he did? Will Felicia ever get to be the mayor we all know she was legitimately elected to be?

Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, and I will tune in tomorrow as long as there are tomorrows.Tamilu

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