The ups and downs of Port Charles

It's very hard to get between floors in Port Charles! Stairs are slippery, and elevators get stuck with great regularity. But those aren't the only jarring ups and downs facing the townspeople. Buckle up because it's bound to be a bumpy ride in this week's Two Scoops.

Fact: there is no good way to get between floors in Port Charles. If you take the stairs, you will probably fall (especially if you are pregnant). If you take the elevator instead, it will probably get stuck.

Dear readers, I offer you a confession of my sins. Back when I was in college, my boyfriend and I were friends with one of the maintenance guys. We didn't get enough "alone" time, and as such, found creative ways to "hang out" as Brad, Lucas, and Felix would say. We would push the Stop button on the elevator mid-floor, which would sound an alarm. Our maintenance friend would take his good sweet time coming to clear the alarm, allowing us more time to..."hang out." In the interim, the entire rest of the student body would have to clomp up three flights of stairs to get to their classes.

I realize that was terrible and selfish, but it was the 80s, my dad was a pastor, and I was trying to live up to Lori Singer's Footloose example of how preachers' daughters should behave.

As I watched Franco and Nina talking in the stalled elevator, that old guilt flooded my soul, and I started worrying about the doctors and nurses who would have to climb the stairs, carrying medicine carts or stretchers. I hereby repent of my 30-year-old sins.

Epiphany won't have any trouble climbing the stairs now with the new spring in her step she got from discovering that Magic Milo wanted to date her. You know, I'm somewhat mad at the writers for the "gayuendo," making us think for two days that Milo was going to come out and be into Felix. But when the big reveal happened, I laughed hard, so -- they surprised me, and after 40 years of soap viewing, that doesn't often happen.

I felt for Felix, though, because he got his hopes up again and had them dashed. Readers, I think Felix is the nicest, most decent character on the canvas right now. If I could pick anyone on GH to be my friend in real life, it would be Felix Dubois. Marc Anthony Samuel is a very likable actor who has created a nuanced, genuine character who is both fierce and tender in equal measure. There is a loneliness in Felix's eyes that makes me want to hug him, and all his attempts at love have gone bust. I was kind of hoping Milo was going to come out -- because Milo is a nice guy, too. Mind you, Felix is like 50 times smarter than Milo, but I've dated men much smarter than me before, and I was comfortable with them being the brains and me being the heart of the relationship. I think Felix would be okay with that division, too.

But alas, no such luck. Over the years, Port Charles has had guys like Mac who were wonderful guys who just couldn't find love, and I hope Felix fares better.

Across town, Lucas and Brad have turned their mnage a trois into an mnage a deux, and that makes sense with their mob family histories in common. I wouldn't be a bit surprised to find out that some of Brad's supposed long-gone relatives are frozen in the Cassadine Villain Vault, too. Maybe Robin can thaw them all out at once, right before Halloween! Nikolas can throw a super creepy masquerade ball and repeat the bad luck he's had in the past, throwing parties.

Maybe Levi can come as an Australian, since we now know that he was even more skeevy than we had imagined! But really, why did he have to be a jewel thief out to steal the Aztec treasures? How did he know Maxie was on an Eat, Pray, Love journey and target her in Australia? How could he and Maxie have traveled around the world together without her noticing his passport was an American one? Or did he have a fake one? And if so, is he one of the cretins working with Fluke?

I'm so glad that this storyline is finally over because I just hated Levi from day one, and it's been many torturous months of listening to his New Age, tofu, earth-loving nonsense while the hunka hunka burning cop was right there in the same room. The day Maxie and Nathan finally get together, I will probably rewind and watch it 20 times.

I rewound one certain scene last week a few times -- the hand! The hand that presumably belongs to the long-presumed-deceased Jason Morgan lurching out of the cryogenic pod after Victor Cassadine injected him with Robin's magical wake-up formula.

Will Jason return in the form of Billy Miller? I have mixed feelings about this casting rumor. On the plus side, I love me some Billy Miller. I loved him on The Young and the Restless, and just like Victoria, I would have taken him back after every bout of gambling, drinking, or getting me kidnapped because he's just that charming. On the negative side -- in the role of Jason Morgan, he won't be able to exude that charm because Jason is stoic and straight-faced and deadly.

The only way I see we could get the best of both worlds is if being on ice for two years has healed Jason's previous car accident-induced brain injury, and he will wake up as Jason Quartermaine asking for Keesha and wanting to get back to medical school. Wouldn't that be a fun twist? Can you imagine if Jason came back to life with no memory of Sam or his life as Sonny's enforcer -- no idea who Carly was, never heard of Michael? Oh, my goodness, what a season of dramatic possibilities that would be!

In other retro "everything old is new again" storylines, Sonny and Carly are starting to feel that old itch for one another. It's been a long time since they had "grief sex" in a limo, after all. I actually like this turn of events. First, I think obsession is real. I think there are some people who are just drawn together even when they shouldn't be and try not to be and swear they will keep their distance, but you get one glimpse of them, and boom -- that pounding in your chest happens, and you're done for. If you're a long-time GH viewer, you have seen Sonny and Carly (okay, four Carlys to be exact) wrestle with the "we love each other, but we're bad for each other" problem for 15 years now.

Second, Carly is currently with Franco, but he's got some mad chemistry with Nina Clay, and the thought of Roger Howarth and Michelle Stafford burning up my screen together is very appealing.

There are so many possible couplings right now, I don't know where to begin! Should Nina be with Silas or Franco? Should Sam be with Patrick, Silas, or unfrozen Jason? Should Nikolas be with Britt or Elizabeth? And if it's Elizabeth, what happens when she finds out Ric is still alive? Should Alexis be with Julian or Ned? Or should Ned be with Olivia? Oh, my goodness, there are so many choices!

One more topic I'd like to address -- comic relief. This has been a sad week in the world, news of the tragic has filled our screens -- death, violence, riots, and all manner of terrible things, and I was thankful for the escape of General Hospital. For one hour a day, my TV was filled with Britt and Spencer scheming to win Nikolas; Brad, Lucas and Felix dancing around the topic of a threesome; frozen hit men popping back to life in the form of "The Thing" hand from the Addams Family; Liesl calling Liz in to work so Britt could make s'mores and kiss marshmallow off of Nikolas; for tiny, tiny Robin trying to fight off two ginormous Cassadine toadies; Carly saying to Sonny "Stop with the dimples;" and finally, finding out that Epiphany killing a puppet was a big turn-on for Milo. Thank you, GH writers, for some much-needed laughter in a crying kind of week.

What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will Dante and Nathan regret the decision to not call in backup for the jewel heist? Will Frozen Faison be in one of those egg pods and make Liesl the happiest Frulein on earth? Will I ever get a pizza delivery guy who looks like Sonny? Will Lulu lose her last and final chance to be a mom in the kidnapping chase? Will Carly be able to resist the dimples? Will Nina persuade Franco to get her pregnant while they are stuck on the elevator, since she's on a timeline and they both got cheated out of kids? Will Spencer realize that Josslyn is a much better love match for him than the genteel Emma? Will Uncle Mac survive the bullet wound from the Blunder from Down Under? Will Nathan take a selfie with his bloody face so he has a record of the one day he did not look perfect?

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