Don't believe it's all schnitzel and beer

Death stalked A.J. in more ways than one, Luke embraced his dark side as he became fixated on Kiki, and Patrick brought his precious little girl to tears when he smashed her fancy egg. It's time for another edition of Two Scoops with Liz Masters.

This week, Britt merrily rode the crazy train through the land of delusion when she proudly showed off her big gaudy engagement ring to Mutter. Liesl, the Debbie Downer that she is, was having none of that happily-ever-after malarkey, so she promptly reminded Britt that there was a little matter of an embryonapping that is bound to put a damper on Britt and Nikolas' wedded bliss when Nikolas learns that he's the stepfather to his sister's son.

Britt contemplated throwing Mutter from the train, but instead opted to assure Liesl that everything would be okay because hey, Dante knows he's Ben's father, so Lulu gets to spend time with Ben during visitations. "It's a win-win," Britt happily explained. At that point, schnitzel and bier were mentioned, so I hit pause and ran to my kitchen to see if I had the ingredients to make schnitzel. I did not. Boo.

Dejected, I returned to the living room, pouting, and hit play as Liesl pointed out that the only person who was winning in this situation was Britt. Britt, who doesn't take responsibility for anything that she does, immediately blamed her mother for not loving Britt and for giving Britt a miserable childhood. Liesl explained that she had simply wanted to prepare Britt for the inevitable realization that life and love sucked lemons and would be nothing but a great big disappointment.

However, Liesl's little Grinch heart suddenly cracked and began to grow as tears filled her eyes. She confessed that she did have regrets, like naming Britta after a water filtration system and giving her pretty wrapped Christmas presents with nothing inside. Oh, and Liesl had blamed Britt for issues that had not been Britt's fault. See, Britt? That's how you take responsibility for the things that you do.

Liesl promised to keep Britt's secret, so Britt breathed a sigh of relief and decided to invite Mutter to the engagement party. I can't wait for the party because I have a feeling that it will be like Carrie at the prom, except instead of a bucket of blood pouring over Britt, it will be the truth that comes crashing down on her head.

However, when all is said and done, it's doubtful that Britt will suffer any real consequences besides losing a love that had been built on lies and a child that had never belonged to her. Liesl will make sure Britt keeps her job and stays out of jail by cutting a deal with Victor or blackmailing Anna.

Nikolas will also likely bounce back fairly quickly from his disastrous relationship with Britt because I believe that he's already halfway out the door and has been since Liz confessed that she was in love with him. The scenes at Kelly's with Liz and Ric only underscored that for me because a man in love wouldn't act jealous over another woman accepting a date with her ex, even if that ex was Ric.

I'm happy that Liz fessed up to Ric that she had accepted his offer to take her to the engagement party to spite Nikolas because, as much as I enjoyed Ric and Liz in the past, I don't trust Ric right now. I have a strong sense that he's up to something, and I'm not referring to his association with Julian. It's sort of a given that Ric and Julian are in cahoots, and frankly, I am okay with that. Truth be told, I'm rooting for Team Ric/Julian over Team Sonny/Shawn because Sonny and Shawn are just a hot mess these days.

However, my gut tells me that Ric's interest in Liz goes well beyond his obsession with her. There's something very calculated about the way he is when he's around her, as if he's setting a trap and luring her into it for reasons that I can't quite figure out. If history is anything to go by, it won't end well for Liz if she gets caught in it, so I'd rather she keep Ric at arm's length and focus on Nikolas.

Speaking of people with agendas, Luke is definitely not himself these days. However, what exactly is going on with him remains to be seen. Did Heather's minions hypnotize Luke with one of her sandwich paintings to wreak havoc on Port Charles, or is this new, darker Luke a result of whatever he was subjected to at Miscavige? I hope it's something that can be reversed because I don't like this pervy, calculating Luke one iota.

I was so sad to realize that the proposal of marriage to Tracy was nothing more than empty words designed to trick Tracy into marrying him. My disappointment turned to the heebie-jeebies when Luke then made not one, but two crude and inappropriate passes at Kiki. Not only is Kiki young enough to be his granddaughter, but she's clearly not interested in him.

Luke was involved in an extremely controversial rapemance storyline decades ago that some viewers to this day cannot forgive him for, so the writers need to tread very carefully with how far they go with this storyline. Even if Luke is under some kind of spell, the majority of the audience will not accept him forcing himself on another woman a second time, especially when he's being sinister and cruel.

I was surprised that Tracy decided to tell Kevin to back off from finding out what exactly had happened to Luke at Miscavige because even if she sincerely believes that Luke is fine -- which even a blind person should see is not the case -- it's simply not in her nature to not want to know. Tracy is, at her core, a distrustful person, so information is as essential to her as air is to breathe. I'm going to give her some slack right now because Tracy is worried about A.J. and Monica, so she's focusing all of her energy on them.

I loved that scene between Tracy and Monica before Monica went off to talk to Patrick about A.J.'s options. It's times like that that I'm reminded that these two women actually do love each other and are sisters of the heart. Rather like Baby Jane and Blanche Hudson -- big rambling mansion and all -- except not as crazy.

Folks, I have a little bone to pick with the writers, specifically with the dialogue. I admit that as a native New Yorker, I might be a tad bit sensitive, but still, it makes me gnash my teeth when I hear every single character refer to New York City simply as New York. It wouldn't be such a big deal if Port Charles was in Pennsylvania or Ohio, but it's not. It's in New York! Hearing someone in Port Chuck say that they are going to New York is like someone from Los Angeles saying they are headed to California.

Ava telling everyone who will listen that she couldn't have shot A.J. because she was in New York doesn't an alibi make. If we take her literally, it's practically a confession.

I'm not exactly sure why Ava lied to Carlos about what happened in the apartment, since Carlos knows all about her other hidden skeletons. As Carlos pointed out, Ava had sent him to kill A.J. just hours before the shooting in her apartment, and he had met with her at the scene of the crime shortly before the shooting, so he knows that she was in town around the time of the shooting. It seems pointless to lie to him at this juncture because he knows that she murdered Connie, framed A.J., tried to kill A.J., and is working against Julian. Is it to protect Sonny? Why would she care about keeping Sonny's secret?

Ultimately, Carlos is in a very precarious situation because Anna believes that the key to solving the shooting is to find the masked intruder who tried to kill A.J. at the Quartermaine mansion. If he's smart, he'll go straight to Julian and spill all of Ava's secrets because I have no doubt that not only will Ava throw Carlos under the bus if the police tie the first attempt on A.J.'s life to Ava, but she'll be sure to drive that bus over Carlos and then back up and do it again.

Some readers were a little upset about remarks in my last column when I suggested that Ava's days might be numbered, so I want to clarify something. I love Maura West, and I really do enjoy Ava -- not so much, though, when she's trying to kill A.J. -- but I think that she's being written into a corner, what with her killing and shooting innocent people whenever she feels threatened.

Yes, she's a criminal and therefore expected to engage in criminal activity, but it's a rule of law on soaps that you can only get away with killing other bad guys. Ava has crossed that line several times, which demands justice. Not with the people of Port Charles, but with the viewers. I don't want Ava to die, but I can't see how she can continue to get away with what she had done without either being killed off or going to jail.

Chilling scene of the week goes to Ava and A.J. when she tried to kill him by cinching his ventilator tube, prompting his survival instincts to kick in. I screeched and jumped with fright when A.J.'s eyes snapped open as his hand shot up and grabbed Ava's wrist. Yikes, that was unexpected.

Also unexpected was Patrick yelling at Emma and then smashing the Faberg egg at Kelly's.

I have a confession to make; I probably would have been crawling all over Kelly's floor, collecting pieces of that egg, the minute that Patrick made it clear that he didn't give a rat's patootie about the egg. I'm like a goldfish -- attracted to shiny things, and that egg had many shiny baubles on it.

I felt bad for Patrick because Emma is the last person on earth that he would want to hurt or scare, especially since she's also heartbroken and confused about her mother's decision to leave. I just hope that Patrick doesn't turn to pills again to dull the pain. That is my fear right now because Patrick can't talk to anyone about what is really going on. If he can't discuss it with anyone then it's going to fester and eat at him.

At this point, I think that Patrick needs to decide that he has to put himself and Emma first. Robin made her choice, and while I understand it, I don't think that she can or should expect Patrick to wait for her. He needs to put their daughter first, and being miserable and angry is not best for Emma.

It's time for Patrick to go into therapy where he can discuss what Robin has done without fear that it will be repeated because of doctor/patient confidentiality, and he then needs to take steps to make himself happy. If that means divorcing Robin and moving on then so be it.

Most romantic scene of the week goes to Julian and Alexis. How Alexis managed to refrain from throwing Julian to the floor and ripping his clothes off after he confessed that he remembered that she had smelled like gardenias a million years ago when they'd had a tryst in the backseat of his car, I'll never know. I practically swooned myself when he said that and then added that she was as beautiful at that moment as she had been as a teenager.

Finally, Friday we were introduced to Madeline, Nina's mother, played by the stunningly beautiful and ageless Donna Mills. I get Madeline's animosity towards Silas because she appears to genuinely believe that he tried to kill her daughter, and she despises him for cheating on Nina. However, I'm not sure why she's so reluctant to give him an update about her daughter unless Nina is no longer in a coma. I suspect that this is the case because if Nina had died, there would be a body and a death certificate, but more importantly, Silas would be threatened with murder charges, not attempted murder charges.

Madeline's visit to Nathan's apartment confirms my suspicion that Nathan is Nina's brother, which his why he's so invested in pinning the attempted murder on Silas. The question now is do they believe that Silas is guilty? Is it because Nina doesn't remember what happened and it's an assumption on their part, or because Nina is lying about what really happened?

I don't for a minute believe that Silas tried to kill Nina because he's far too clever to write a prescription to himself for the drug that he planned to use to carry out the crime and then fill it in a hospital where everyone recognized him.

Before I sign off, I'd like to mention that I'm thrilled that Wally Kurth is returning in the coming weeks. I love Ned, so I can't wait to see what brings him to town, as long as it's not A.J.'s funeral.

Franco pays his father a visit after Franco is released from the hospitalFranco: "You were. You were expecting someone else."Scott: [Sighs] "Well, it's just that I wasn't really expecting you. I figured you'd still be over at the hospital."Franco: "They gave me time off for bad behavior."Scott: [Sighs] "Well, now, I hope you didn't bother the natives. You know, any complaints coming my way. I still am the D.A."Franco: "We've been through this. To me, you'll always be my D-A-D-D-Y. Nothing? Come on. That was F-U-N-N-Y."Scott: "All right, all right. Now, what's with the cane?"Franco: "Uh, yeah, you're right. It is a bit much. But, hey, I'm to be congratulated. I stopped myself short of the monocle and the top hat."

Tracy decides to consult Kevin about Luke's odd behaviorKevin: "Well, what can I do to help, Tracy?"Tracy: "Luke and I got engaged last night."Kevin: "You're questioning his sanity?"

Felix cries on Carly's shoulder about his broken heart and BradCarly: "And if Brad wants to pick up some random guy at a bar and not wait for the prize you are, that's his problem. Who was the himbo, anyway?"Felix: "Some dude named Lucas."Carly: "Lucas? You said Lucas?"Felix: "Yeah, Lucas Jones. Sounds like a low-rent porn star, if you ask me."Carly: "Uh, no. No porn star. My brother."

Nikolas has an encounter with Ric at Kelly'sNikolas: "Ric Lansing. Didn't know you were back in town."Ric: "Good to see you, Nikolas."Nikolas: "I'd say the same thing to you, but I would be lying."Ric: [Chuckling] "Okay, then."Nikolas: "Frame anyone for murder lately?"Ric: [Whistles] "Whoa. I thought that was water under the bridge."Nikolas: "Really? Whose bridge?"

Until next time, dear readers, take care. Liz Masters

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