Things that would never happen

Hey! Gather 'round, all you randy Port Charles teens -- Olivia at the Metro Court will hook you up with a room! It's a column about teen lovin', boys smoochin', Robin bob-bobbin' along, and other Port Charles news flashes in this week's two Scoops!

Dear readers, imagine you are a teenager and you are about to get it on in a local hotel. While sneaking off to check into said hotel, you run into a friend of your mom's in the lobby. Does your mom's friend A) Pick up the phone, call your mom, and rat you out after which you will be grounded until graduation, or B) Give you a discount on the room and help you check in?

I think that LSD did more to Olivia than make her have hallucinations. Right now, I am really hoping for a scene where Alexis finds out and goes to the Metro Court lobby and pulls Olivia's hair.

Molly must not have as much guilt reflex as I do, because after that speech from her mom about being proud of her -- I would have called T.J. and canceled. My whole life was spent in fear of disappointing my parents until they both died, and even now, wanting to honor them weighs heavily on my mind when I make decisions.

But I'm old school, and the world has changed. Molly will probably follow through and happily have her hot night with T.J., even though poor Rafe is outside the door all puppy-eyed and pining away for her.

In other ridiculous storylines, Robin, who was held captive for two years and just got home has decided to go back into the clutches of the same group of villains who held her captive, just for the chance of reviving Jason. Readers, I have to ask you if you would willingly bring two maniacal villains back to life in order to save your friend the hit man? "Hey, if you revive Hannibal Lecter and Lord Voldemort, we will also let you try to revive your old college boyfriend!" I would not take that deal.

Also, if my parents were super spies, I would have immediately contacted them and said, "Hey, the WSB is being run by a villain whose family once tried to freeze Port Charles, and they have Stavros and Helena frozen someplace. Find out where and pull the plug!"

Readers, sorry to break the news, but Jason as we know him will not be revived, because Steve Burton is happily chilling in Genoa City for at least another year. I know many of you thought that this plotline was a way to usher Steve Burton home to General Hospital, but that's just not the case. There have been rumors of a recast Jason, and while the names being floated around are appealing, it's still a long shot at this point.

Watching Robin break Emma's heart made me dislike Robin even more than I already did, which I wasn't sure was possible. My mother would never have chosen any single person on earth over me at any time, or under any circumstance. Robin's devotion to Jason, which supersedes her love for her child and her husband, is despicable. We watched her whine for months in captivity about how desperate she was to go home to Patrick and Emma, but at the chance to get a glimpse of a Jasonsicle, she easily cast them aside.

A few of you were peeved at me for my obvious lack of enthusiasm for Robin, but being as this is an opinion column, and it is my sincere opinion that I dislike the character of Robin, I can't write anything that would betray that firmly held opinion.

I don't have to fret about Emma and Patrick, though, because Sabrina will be perfectly willing to love them again. She's far more devoted to them than Robin ever was. I hope next time Robin comes home, Patrick doesn't even open the door and firmly kicks her to the curb. Maybe Uncle Mac will give her back her old bedroom.

On the other hand, if she revives Jason and he turns out to be Michael Muhney, I might consider forgiving her, but only briefly, because by day two I would be annoyed with her again.

Even if Jason comes home, we are not guaranteed a happy reunion. The problem is, people who are revived don't always wake up the same way they went to sleep. Just look at Luke Spencer, who after a stay at Miscavige (When you are done Two Scoopsimng, here's an interesting article for your perusal) now looks like a cast member of The Walking Dead.

Scotty emerged from his straitjacket seemingly unscathed, but Luke, who had been held captive there for much longer, seemed dazed, confused, and frankly, a bit creepy. He looked more like FrankenLuke than the "devil-may-care" Luke we know and love.

Lulu has gone to GH to be with her daddy and has left Dante at home with her new son, who is also her son. When Liz ran the DNA test, couldn't she have grabbed one of Britt's hairs, too, and run a maternity test? (Is there even such a thing? I have no idea.)

I am having a love/hate relationship with Britt right now. I love the person she is becoming after finding true love in Nikolas, but I hate the fact that she doesn't realize that the whole truth will come out, and she might as well confess and let the chips fall where they may. Her real problem is Brad, who knows the truth and might blurt it out at any moment to get back into Felix's good graces.

I have to admit that Brad is growing on me. Like Britt, he did some bad things, but also like Britt, he was the spawn of bad people and was raised in a less than wholesome environment, so I am willing to give him a little room to grow. He has a lot in common with Lucas, but I sense that his heart is still with Felix. Time will tell.

Readers, I got a lot of letters last week that were, to say the least...intense. Several of you were appalled by the portrayal of a same-sex kiss on daytime. Rather than respond to all these letters individually wherein I might get into trouble -- I decided it was safer to just respond here in general.

One of the wonders of Daytime TV is that soaps have been envelope pushers and have addressed issues head-on -- like AIDS on both All My Children and GH, like bullying on One Life to Live, like interracial love stories when that was considered scandalous, and now -- gay romance. The fact is that statistically 5% of American men are gay (I used this New York Times article as my source),and those 5% of people want to see couples on TV that reflect their experiences just as much as straight couples want to see romance on soaps that reflect their experience. I may be in the minority, but I am not offended by much of anything. I am not offended by men kissing or women kissing or mixed races kissing or ugly people kissing or anyone kissing.

If you are someone who is offended by that -- take a step back and ask yourself why? Why on earth would two people kissing bother you so much? Often people will use the Bible as a reason. The Bible also says gluttony is a sin, and yet no one writes hate mail to Mike and Molly. I am a Christian, and my Dad was a pastor, and I grew up in church, so no, I am not bashing believers. I am just asking you to search your heart for the real reason that this upsets you so much. Let's face it, most everything everyone does on a soap is sinful, so if you are outraged by watching sin on TV, you may want to steer clear of the daytime dramas -- and pretty much all television.

In other romance news, Elizabeth finally got a brain in her head and realized she was in love with Nikolas and told him so. When he said, "Do you know how long I have waited to hear you say that?" with tears in his eyes, I teared up, too -- because I can't resist a crying prince.

Is it too late? It appears that it's too late. Nikolas told Liz that he had moved on, as she suggested, and was engaged to Britt. But when Nikolas finds out that Britt stole one of his sister's fertilized eggs to have her baby and knew it was Lulu's baby all along, will Nik forgive her or make a beeline to Elizabeth's house? I am rooting or option two.

Natalia Livingston will revive her role as Ghost-Emily in the not-too-distant future, and one can only hope she will steer Nikolas to Elizabeth and away from Britt, if only to avoid having Liesl as a mother-in-law.

Liesl had a romantic suitor of her own, as Victor Cassadine showed up on Valentine's Day, bearing gifts, but she had no real use for him other than as a means to get in touch with her beloved Cesar.

Julian is sweet on Alexis, and although she wants to push him away, she seems wholly incapable of turning him away when he shows up at her door. I like the friendship that is forming between them -- I loved her advice to him about Lucas and his frank confession about why he had handled Lucas' news so badly. This couple has great potential.

Nancy Lee Grahn is a delight; seeing her actually have a potential romance on the horizon makes me giddy. I loved her with Sonny, I loved her with Ned, I loved her with Ric -- I just think she's a gem, and this budding romance between her and Julian is delightful. I know he's a mobster and all wrong for her, and yet, some of the most fun I had in my life was while dating totally inappropriate men. (It was the 80s -- don't judge.)

What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will Tracy blab her suspicions about Lucy and Scott to Doc? Will Sam and Silas ever get to the airport to fly to New York or keep missing their elevator? Will Franco be Franco or Todd when he wakes up from his Heather-induced slumber, since word on the street is that James Franco is coming back? Will Sonny convince Morgan to dump Ava so he can have her for himself? Will Sonny convince Michael to dump Kiki so she will go back to Morgan? Will Spencer become the soon-to-be-unfrozen Helena's favorite Cassadine spawn as he shows promise to being an evil genius for a new generation?

Take care and happy viewing,Liz Masters

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