We'll never be royals

Faberg eggs, chupacabras, collapsing tunnels, silver brushes, and bad wigs -- it's been a wild ride this week on General Hospital -- join us as we reminisce about the week that was!

Dear Readers, I don't know about you, but I never had a Great-Great-Uncle Victor that randomly carried Faberg eggs in his coat pocket -- just on the off chance he'd run into a little royal running around the mausoleum that the Cassadines call "Home Sweet Home."

Maybe that's all commonplace for you, but having a chauffeur you get to order around when you're in kindergarten and having to call a "catacombs repair guy" to inspect the secret passages in your mansion are not necessarily topics to which I can readily relate.

That having been said -- seeing Victor appear in town, bespectacled with Mr. Magoo glasses and an evil glint in his eye, sure is entertaining.

Since the show aired with the hot news that the Cassadines have some second cryogenic freezer location filled with chilling corpses, my inbox and Twitter feeds have been filled with "What Ifs" -- like "What if Alan/Emily/Faison/Stone are frozen down there, too?" To quote my Grandma Alice, "If toads had wings, they wouldn't bump their butts on the ground when they hopped." The truth is -- we just don't know whom they are storing on ice until we get a peek inside, which could be years.

This plot is designed to get Kimberly McCullough off the show and give her a legitimate reason to get out of town. Although they flashed a photo of Jason (Steve Burton) -- the fact is he has just signed a new contract with The Young and the Restless, so Jason isn't going to be emerging from the dead anytime soon -- at least not played by Burton.

There are rumors that the recently ousted Michael Muhney could be recast as Jason, but that is probably just wishful thinking and random speculation by people who can't bear the thought of daytime without him. I admit that I am in that camp and for the last couple of years have been watching Y&R with my finger on the FF button, only stopping on scenes with him in them. But whether or not he lands in Port Charles is yet to be seen. If I were ABC, I would nab him up to grab all the fans who are boycotting Y&R over his firing. I realize there have been reports of him behaving badly, but no charges have been filed and no evidence offered, so I personally am not willing to write him off based on gossip.

But I digress. Robin will leave with Victor for the chance to reanimate Robo-Jason, and Patrick and Emma will be left in Sabrina's capable hands. I'm sure Robin will come crawling back again, but truthfully, I'm over her. I'd rather have Brenda back!

Readers, last time I wrote, I mentioned I was losing patience with Heather. Two weeks later, and I want to rip off her bad wig and crack her in the head with the handle of her Metro Court dessert knife.

I can suspend my disbelief enough to think that maybe she could sneak out of the hospital occasionally to get a BLT. But for a patient to be gone for months and no doctors or nurses (who aren't her personal minions) ever go into her room to check on her? Seriously? Luke in a wig has the whole staff fooled? Ugh.

I do have to admit, though, that Heather giving Carly mouth-to-mouth and saving her life so she could "kill her the right way" was hilarious, but enough already. If we get to next Friday with Carly still a captive, I will throw things at my TV, but only soft things, as I wouldn't want to break it.

Kiki is in captivity, too -- and for OLTL fans, we see it as a rerun of that one time Starr helped Todd escape from jail and got arrested. But her hair was blonde, and Silas Clay was a cop named John McBain and not a fellow cellmate.

Can Michael and Kiki survive this? I kinda hope not. I hope Morgan and Kiki reunite and that Ava finds someone her own age to play with. But not Sonny, because even though they have mad chemistry, sleeping with your son's ex-lover is way too The Bold and the Beautiful for a wholesome family town like Port Charles.

Ava might end up in jail if A.J. can stop chugging vodka long enough to have a complete memory about the night Connie died. I pity her once Sonny finds out that not only did Ava defile his son but also offed his girlfriend. Hey! I just had a random good idea. GH should hire back the original Kate/Connie -- Megan Ward -- as a new character and have Sonny fall for her because "she reminds him of someone." Sonny and Olivia just don't do it for me, mostly because they made Olivia crazy, and Sonny needs someone stable to balance his own crazy.

Speaking of crazy -- Liesl Obrecht showed up at Wyndemere, demanding a place to stay, but quickly turned tail and ran when Victor walked in. I think that little minx may have cheated on Faison with Victor!

Victor bestowed baby Ben with a silver hairbrush, but the gift is now in Liz Webber's clutches as she tries on her Veronica Mars hat to do some sleuthing. She's on the verge of discovering Britt's big secret, and I have to say, dear readers, that if Liz is the one to unravel this, I will cheer "Girl Power" at the top of my lungs in my living room. I'd like to see a girl be the hero for once. Yes, I know Liz initially rejected Nikolas' interest in her when he first got back to town, but now that she realizes A.J. is a hopeless drunk and that she was a total moron to choose him over Nik -- I'm willing to extend grace and wish for her to get a second chance at Prince Nikolas.

Let's face it, the day Nik finds out that Ben is really Lulu and Dante's son is the day he dumps Britt onto the next launch back to shore with all of her belongings.

I'm glad they let Dante and Lulu reunite before the big baby reveal, because their love and their relationship had a strong foundation, and I am glad they showed them coming to terms with the blows life has dealt them like grown-up couples do instead of only getting back together for the baby. I can hardly wait to see them happy again. But please, dear Lord, let them move into a bigger apartment! Even Brenda's old cottage was bigger than their place!

One reunion I am not rooting for is Felix and Brad, because Brad is two-timing him with Lucas. Poor Felix, I wish he'd meet someone nice. He deserves to be with a real stand-up guy, someone like...a gay Mac.

Lucas came out to his newly discovered father and was met with hesitation and rejection. Julian tossed out all the clichd responses, some of which made me physically cringe. Stuff like "If only I had been around to teach you to play football, maybe you wouldn't be gay!" Seriously, dude?

I understand that mobsters are stereotypically meatheads, but you'd think since Julian lived so many years as newspaperman Derek Wells, he might have encountered a gay man sometime in the past 20 years. He seemed positively bewildered by the whole thing. I think Lucas would be better off going to his Uncle Luke if he's in need of a father figure. That is as soon as Luke gets out of the blonde wig -- which probably is the same one they used for Laura all those years at Ferncliff.

Julian called Alexis and told her he needed her, but I can't decide if he's going to ask her advice on how to repair the damage he did with his son, or if he just wants to have sex with her to prove to himself he's still a man.

What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will Spencer give Emma the bejeweled egg and win her eternal love? Will a chupacabra run into the tunnels at Wyndemere and eat Heather for a midnight snack? Will Liz be able to get enough hair off of that bald baby's brush to do a DNA test? Will a shirtless Nathan West be able to comfort Britt when Nikolas kicks her off Spoon Island? Will Zombie Helena and Zombie Jason duke it out once they are unfrozen? Will Kiki look good in orange?

Take care and happy viewing,Liz Masters

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