CoeCoe Goes Cuckoo!

CoeCoe Goes Cuckoo! Lucy Coe believes that she's a vampire slayer. The cosmetics maven had a break from reality this week, or did she? The town thinks that Ms. Coe is cuckoo. But she could just be staying true to her character's history. Either way, Two Scoops Jennifer Biller prefers her vampires on primetime. Do you?

Lucy Coe is a vampire slayer. Not a very good one, apparently, because her wooden stake missed John McBain's heart by a mile. Still, she believes him to be a vampire and that it's her job to slay him and all the other vampires running amok in Port Charles.

Vampires in Port Charles? I suppose it makes sense, considering all the undead people walking around town lately. I kid. This is absurd, right?

It appears that Lucy has had a psychotic break, unless you watched her during Port Charles's Dark Shadows era. I didn't. I had stopped watching Port Charles long before Lucy went all Buffy the Vampire Slayer. And from what I've seen this week, I'm glad I did.

In Lucy's defense, it must be confusing seeing characters, from her previous show, now in Port Charles, with different names. I feel her pain. I keep wanting to call Todd Manning "Paul Ryan."

I like fantasy on soaps as much as the next gal. Give me a handsome billionaire, flying in on his private jet, taking one of the leading ladies to dinner, in Paris, any day. But a vampire plot in daytime is a little too extreme for my liking.

Call me crazy, but I like my soap characters to struggle with the same things I do in life -- love, loss, lust, faith, friendship, career, etc. I don't mind a little sociopath, corporate takeover, or baby drama thrown in here and there for the sake of suspense and good storytelling, but vampires? No, thank you. I can see them in primetime or on the big screen.

Admittedly, I'm a big fan of using character history, too. But, this is history I think I'd rather forget -- or not learn about in the first place -- in Lucy's case. For those of you saying, "It's just a fantasy story. Lighten up." I get it, but hear me out.

Yes, GH has had its share of fantasy/science-fiction tales through the years. The Ice Princess and Casey the Alien come to mind, both of which I enjoyed. But, I'm sorry; I don't think I can make the leap to vampires. As perfectly as John McBain does resemble a creature of the night, with his long hair, dazzling eyes, and mysterious demeanor, I just can't go there. We've got other fantasy storylines that need attention, like the fact that Robert Scorpio is fighting for his life in some faraway clinic in Switzerland, and his brother doesn't seem to care.

I do trust the new show runners. They've saved this show in just a year, so I'll give them plenty of leeway to somehow unfold this story into something I can believe or at least understand.

Lucy Coe has always marched to her own drummer. She's zany and a bit cartoonish. But a vampire slayer? That's pushing the limits of believability, not to mention I had much higher hopes for Lucy's return.

I'd much rather see Lucy torturing Tracy by ordering her to the kitchen again to make salmon Florentine or forcing Tracy to pay for another shopping trip. I wanted to see Lucy planning the Nurses Ball and walking the halls of ELQ, in her power suit, butting heads with A.J., Monica, and the rest of the gang, not trading makeup tips with Heather Webber in Ferncliff. So, that's why I'm disappointed in this latest development.

What I do know is that if anyone on this show could sell being a vampire slayer, it's Lynn Herring. She's a tremendous comedic talent with depth and vulnerability. Through the years, I've watched her share scenes with a duck, strip to her skivvies for the Nurses Ball, and tear my heart out when Scotty took Serena and left town.

Who knows, maybe Lucy is on to something. Her vampire rantings did make me a little suspicious of other characters' mortality this week. Frankly, the way Diane was gnawing on that piece of meat in Todd's hospital room made me wary of how she never ages and has a quicker wit than any human should. If there are vampires in Port Charles, that certainly would explain why Jerry Jax, Helena Cassadine, and Cesar Faison never seem to die. Save some stakes, Lucy. I think you may need them.

I'm anxious to hear your thoughts on Lucy the vampire slayer. Should she call Spike and Angel? Or should we hope she just wakes up from a dream? Please drop me an email and let's discuss.

Only Carly Jacks could get drunk, take a pair of scissors to her hair, and come out looking that glamorous. That woman always lands on her feet or in a good salon chair. That said, can we just take a second to mourn the loss of her long, luxurious locks? Laura Wright has the most beautiful hair in daytime. I love it, short or long, curly or straight.

Welcome back, Epiphany! And what a comeback it was. The writers managed to peel back some layers on this tough gal and show us her softer side. She was positively devastated when Sabrina told her that Felix excluded Epiphany from the Nurses Ball planning because she would suck all the fun out it.

This is why I love these new show runners. Epiphany isn't a front-burner character by any means, but they managed to write a beautiful scene and make her more than a one-dimensional dictator who barks orders at patients and hospital employees. I can't wait to see "fun" Epiphany show Felix how wrong he is, all the while yelling at John to get his "ass" back in his hospital bed.

A.J. and CarlyWhile I'm piling on the praise to the writers, let me say "thank you" for not taking A.J. down his familiar drunken path. I was so worried when he was staring down that vodka at the Floating Rib. Raise your hand if you thought A.J. and Carly were going to have angry, drunken sex?

The previous writing regime would have probably had him get drunk and sleep with inebriated Carly. Instead, we saw him throw her over his shoulder, take care of Carly, drive her back to the hotel, and witness her meltdown, getting in a few zingers of his own.

Sean Kanan was exquisite at the bar and at the hotel, as he berated Carly for her treatment toward him and his drinking, "You could have helped me. You could have pulled me up instead of pushing me down." Bravo! Kanan showed passion, temptation, anger, humor, and a myriad of other emotions. I'm rooting for A.J. to break his old patterns, and it seems the writers are, too.

I was shocked that A.J. didn't dump drunken Carly in a laundry cart, though. After the way she's treated him through the years, I thought he'd get a little revenge. His way was better though, toying with Carly by making her think they'd slept together. Plus, we got treated to A.J., freshly showered, wearing only a towel. Thank you!

I absolutely do not want A.J. and Carly together romantically on any level, but it would be nice to have Michael's parents not constantly at war with one another. A truce might be nice.

In other musings:

Ferncliff Asylum must have the same security measures in place as General Hospital, and by that, I mean none. Heather is roaming the halls, A.J. broke in and dressed up as an orderly, and Todd almost escaped the emergency room, if Sam hadn't foiled his plans.

Understatement of the week goes to this line from Tracy to Michael: "For a guy with Quartermaine genes, you are an appalling liar." I couldn't help but chuckle at A.J. and Tracy's assessments of Michael's lying skills. Earlier, A.J. had told Michael that he should be able to pull off a convincing lie, considering who his parents are. It looks like Michael takes after Uncle Jason.

I'm sad they killed Trey. As I mentioned before, I just don't get why. Was it just to snap Connie out of her crazy and show us her heart again? I grew to like the kid and was hoping he could make it to L.A. I did enjoy Olivia and Tracy's mourning scenes, though, especially Tracy's. She made me feel more of a loss for Trey than anyone.

The fight for ELQ is heating up. Tracy was on the phone to Ned, so I hope that means he's coming home, soon. Plus, Heather knows something from Edward's will. Did she change it? Does she know the Pickle Lila connection? I fear that jar of relish is going to be finished off before this mystery is solved. I've loved corporate family drama, since my early days of watching Dallas, and with A.J., Michael, Tracy, Lucy, and Monica in the mix, this fight could be a good one.

The dialogue this week was hysterical. Well done, writers. Check my Best Lines of the Week section to see the proof. From Tracy calling Michael A.J.'s "mini me" to Todd and Felix's outrageously inappropriate flirting, I couldn't stop grinning. Even this unseemingly funny line left me howling, considering all the recently resurrected characters from 20 years ago. (Regarding Lucy Coe) Anna: "I didn't know she was back in town." Duke: "Well, I had no idea she'd even left." I'm not sure if it was meant to be funny or if it was just Ian Buchanan's spot-on delivery, but for some reason, I couldn't stop giggling.

Todd Manning's moral compass points south on a daily basis, and perhaps now new Todd fans are learning why. We found out that Todd was abused as a child. Well, that explains some of his behavior. But, I don't think Todd is crazy. Conniving, sure, and maybe he does have PTSD. Either way, I cannot imagine the zaniness that is about to break lose at Ferncliff with Lucy, Todd, and Heather all in house.

Remind me again never to complain about my local hospital. Compared to General Hospital, that place is golden. Instead of trying to help stabbed, bleeding John, lying semi-conscious on a gurney, Dr. Steve Webber decided to play detective and began interrogating the guy. Meanwhile, Felix was more interested in flirting with Todd than fixing his wounds, and nurse Sabrina screamed "Oh, my God" when a bleeding patient was wheeled in. I'm no expert, but I think it's a good thing Epiphany is back. GH is out of control!

It looks like Carly has gone from Stone Cold to Felix now for a best friend. This could be interesting. I can just imagine Felix snapping his fingers and telling Miss Carly to get it together when she comes to him, ranting about her latest drama. Speaking of Felix, was he talking about our Milo as "Magic Milo" at the gym? I hope so. Maybe that means he reads Two Scoops.

So, it looks like either Maxie never really lost the baby or that Spinelli magically impregnated her. I'm not sure how I feel about this development. I've never been 100 percent sold on Maxie and Spinelli. In fact, I think I prefer him with Ellie. She's just adorable. I can't root against her.

I'm super pumped about the news that Kin Shriner, Jon Lindstrom, and Genie Francis are returning. And I hope the latest casting news also means that Serena won't be far behind. This show is beginning to feel like home again.

(Carly insists that A.J. take her to the hotel, after she gets drunk.)A.J.: "So, you live in a hotel these days, huh? Too good for the old double-wide?"

(Todd tries to flirt with Felix, who had flirted with him earlier, but is now mad because he realizes that Todd said no to funding the Nurses Ball.) Felix: "What have you got against the Nurses Ball?"Todd: "Nothing. I love balls."Felix: "No sense in trying to sweet talk me, no matter how cute your banged-up face might be."Todd: "You keep talking like that, you're gonna make me swell up."

(Lucy Coe runs into John McBain and accuses him of being the King of the Vampires, despite his protestations that he is not.) Lucy: "Shut up, Prince of Darkness."John: "A minute ago I was the king. I've been demoted already."

(Diane tries to keep track of all her clients.) Johnny: "Did you find him?"Diane: "Find who?"Johnny: "Manning." Diane: "Eli or Peyton? You know, they say his comeback is going to be one of the greatest in sports. Oh, you mean Todd Manning."

(Out for revenge, a drunken Carly slashes Todd's clothing, while A.J. watches.)Carly: "I thought this would make me feel better."A.J.: "Well, you thought Sonny was a good father, too, so you're O for two."

(Todd asks his lawyer, Diane, what she's going to do to get his freedom, now that his prison escape failed.) Diane: "I think you've mistaken me for your fairy godmother."Todd: "Not with your hourly rate."Diane: "I can't just wave my magic wand and make the charges disappear."

(Carly discovers that her beautiful long hair has been chopped off.)Carly: "A.J., you son-of-a-bitch. You did this to me."A.J.: "Don't get snippy."

Thanks to all of you who took time to write and share your theories and thoughts. Honestly, you guys have some great ones. Check them out below. As always, I love hearing your thoughts, too. So keep them coming! Here's what other fans are saying -- and remember to share your thoughts with me, and you may see them pop up in my next column. Thanks!

• This is Nirvana! General Hospital is gifting me with unexpected surprises by the minute. Carly and Todd are wonderful together. A.J. is just the man I hoped he would be. I never watched Port Charles but am familiar with the plot. Seeing those old clips and incorporating them into GH, WOW. Loving General Hospital these days!!! - Angela Carter

• I love GH right now with ONE big exception... Kristina! I'm sorry but the "new" Kristina has got to go! -- Kristy

• I love GH, but yesterday I was screaming at my TV, "No, no, no, no, no!" Don't put Trey in a coma or something worse. He almost had nuKristina out of town. Please, please, wake him up and let him take nuKristina to California with him. We almost got rid of her, but no. OK, I'm done venting. Thanks, :) --Sandy Julian

• I can't help still being upset that Jason is gone. I thought (Steve Burton) was moving, and now it's out that he's going to CBS. I think he should come back from the dead. Can't they ever let a couple be happy for once? It wouldn't hurt anything. On another subject, I don't think Maxie should be pregnant with Spinelli's baby. It would be great if she could be a surrogate for Dante and Lulu. I hope they don't take that route. -- Meg

• Maybe Johnny Z can be forgiven for the car incident but not for killing Anthony in cold blood. I'm tired of criminal deeds going unpunished. Lose him, I say. -- Jon Elkington

• Loved your column (despite all the terrible puns). But how do we know for sure Britt isn't a homicidal maniac? Give her time and I'm sure she'll show she's "barking" mad, too. ;) I wouldn't put it past her. Thanks for the great column! -- Barbara

That's all for now, Scoopers. See ya next time!Jennifer