Where is Lisa Niles?

Lisa was written off for a period of time, but them she came back with a vengeance. But what about now? Is Lisa Niles dead or alive? Two Scoops Jennifer Biller tries to get the bottom of the mystery.

Cue the creepy mystery music. "Buhm bah ba buhm." It's time to put on your sleuther caps and pull out your detective notebooks. After terrorizing a boat full of passengers with a syringe, Lisa Niles is nowhere to be found. Did she go for a night swim to Spoon Island for some quality time with the new Abs-of-Steel man? Did she pull a Franco and hide under Patrick and Robin's bed? Did she get nailed with that 2X4 Anthony has been carrying around for days? I love a good whodunit. Although, it's hard to call this an actual murder mystery, since we don't have an actual body. But, all the signs are pointing to the fact that Lisa is most likely sleeping with the fishes. Everyone is acting cagey. Steve is sporting three scratches on his face and dodging questions. Robin conveniently can't remember what happened. Anthony went all Jaws on us and ordered a "bigger boat" to dump his unspecified cargo. And Johnny is acting stealthier than usual. But we are talking about Lisa here. Short a stake to the heart, I'm starting to think she's harder to kill than a Cassadine. If I had to play PCPD on this one, my prime suspect would be Anthony. I don't think anyone, other than Johnny, has crossed him and lived. But, I'm sure we're going to see several suspects look guilty before this mystery is solved. One thing we do know. Lisa Niles is wanted, dead or alive. Well, mostly dead, I think, considering she has more enemies than Elizabeth Webber lately. It is a shame that Lisa turned psychotic on us, because Brianna Brown is a gorgeous, entertaining actress. She has sparks with Johnny and could have given lonely Matt something, er someone, to do. What do you think happened to Lisa, Scoopers? Is she dead or alive? Meanwhile:

Is it wrong that I thought Kate had more chemistry with Coleman in that one kiss, than with Sonny? Yeah, Coleman will probably find his bar torched to the ground, and I'll lose my typing fingers for even mentioning it. Sorry, Sonny. Why is the PCPD acting like a bunch of bullies to the terrorized folks on that cruise from hell? Thankfully, I've never been involved in a police investigation, but I hope real life doesn't mimic what I see in Port Charles. The new lady cop needs to dial it down a notch or take an anger-management class. My favorite scenes this week were between Alexis and Luke, and Alexis and Sonny. I can't help it. I love humor, and Alexis makes me chuckle when she humorously spars with her ex and her ex co-conspirator. The great thing about neurotic Alexis going toe-to-toe with these men is that she always zings them with the truth, shielded with some humor. Whether she was calling Luke a selfish parent who has never grown up enough to put his kids first, or Sonny an "emotional quagmire -- the most fun and the most misery that any woman can ever experience," it always rings true. More please! Mr. Wolf, please slow down the Sonny and Carly hook-ups. Carly, whose husband's body is barely cold -- or rather it would be if they had actually found Jax's body -- is already getting her flirt on with Shawn and making out on a beach. Brenda is barely out the door, and Sonny is already getting possessively jealous about Kate. What's so wrong with Sonny and Carly being alone on this show? You haven't given Alexis any action in years. She barely gets a date once a year with Mac. Sonny and Carly need to take a beat, if you ask me, from pursuing romance for a while. Alone time is good, especially when you've been married as many times as those two. I love life lessons from Carly. This week's gem was particularly troubling: "Every parent screws up their kid one way or another, no matter what you do. The only thing you can hope for is that they're loved and safe." Um, I'm thinking safe means that you don't let them work at a mobster warehouse or cut off the non-mobster father from their lives. I'm just saying. Then, Carly finished off with this wise remark regarding her marriage: "I thought it was bad to divorce the dead guy." Oh, Carly! The name Jasper Jax has had a lot of screen time lately. Is it possible we've not seen the last of the Aussie? A girl can still hope. I know it's horrific that Liz's kids are in daycare at 10:00 p.m. But, considering she was thrown overboard of a ship, on what was supposed to be a two-hour cruise, I'll cut her some slack on this one. Tracy, please go on a date with your husband. You both look miserable, and I love your unconventional romance. Who is the guy with Abs of Steel that rescued Elizabeth on Spoon Island? I'm assuming it's the person who has been mysteriously opening and closing the secret passageways, slashing portraits, and shining eerie lights in the dark. My guess is that it's a long-lost Cassadine. Or maybe it's Jasper Jax, who washed ashore and needs a place to hide out from Sonny. The character of Matt Hunter is so lonely and pathetic that he got drunk alone at his own party. Writers, please, do something to make this guy interesting and less bitter. There is plenty of room for several interesting sexy doctors in a hospital. Just check out Grey's Anatomy if you don't believe me. The "Hate On Elizabeth Webber Fan Club" must be at capacity in Port Charles. Do they have meetings somewhere in the hospital? Lately, everyone from Ethan, to Luke, to Lulu, to Maxie, to Lucky, has been attacking Elizabeth for her life choices. Monica was the latest to join in the Liz-bashing this week. As Elizabeth was lying in the trauma unit, Monica was berating Liz for leaving her children in daycare and making cracks about Liz's parenting skills. I've had enough! No, Elizabeth isn't perfect, but who in this town is? Alexis has children with three different men. Sam has slept with Sonny, Jax, and Jason, and so has Carly. So, why is Liz suddenly the Devil in everyone's eyes? I couldn't help but laugh at the number of times Patrick and Robin called Lisa "that crazy bitch" while trying to find her on that cruise. Sober Luke is rocking. We've watched him through Crown-colored shot glasses for years, but this guy still has all the Luke charm and wit we've come to love. He also seems to have a new clarity that is refreshing. I wasn't sure at first, but I think sober Luke actually may be more interesting than the Luke that knocks back booze like I do water. Is Olivia pregnant or ill? I've watched soaps long enough to know that dizzy, fainting women are either one or the other. My apologies to Olivia fans, but I'm hoping for the latter. Sonny already has Kate around to reminiscence about his horrific Bensonhurst childhood. Fans of Jerry Jax, a.k.a. actor Sebastian Roche, he's been popping up on The Vampire Diaries on the CW. I loved his take on Jerry Jax, and I can't wait to see what kind of crazy he unleashes in Mystic Falls. Those of you who have never watched the show, be warned. This is a violent vampire show with plenty of love triangles, full of all the bloody goriness one would expect in this genre.

(Johnny chastises Anthony for helping Lisa, who is terrorizing the town with syringes full of drugs.)Anthony: "I didn't know she was going to wake up some sort of Frankenneedle!"

(Luke offers Alexis coffee without his usual Scotch included.) Luke: "I'm dry as a big patch of psoriasis." Alexis: "Well that's disgusting, and I'm very happy for you."

I love hearing your comments! If you'd like to share, please drop me an email by clicking here.

• Great article, but I can't believe you forgot to mention the gut wrenching scene between Elizabeth and Lucky. I have to say I felt really sorry for Elizabeth. I agree with Lucky that they are toxic together and just because Jake died does not mean that Liz is automatically given a pass on sleeping with her fianc's brother. Lucky and Liz have chemistry and a deep bond. After Lucky's drug induced night at the church, the fans can't deny that his heart will always belong to Elizabeth. ---- Jen

• Thanks for speaking out against the Lexi firing and the lack of interesting writing/repetitiveness. So many others agree and maybe if enough of us speak up, it will make a difference. One criticism: Anna is not married to Robert Scorpio anymore and should be called Anna Devane. I'm a stickler for history. Guza got this right when she returned various times during the past decade. Again, thanks for your column! ---Jennifer

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