Ship of horny fools

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip. No, the week's Two Scoops hasn't been taken over by Gilligan and the castaways, but there are a few similarities between that classic sitcom and General Hospital. Check out this week's shipshape column and see why!

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip. That started from this tropic port, aboard this tiny ship...

Admit it, all of you heard the theme to Gilligan's Island when Patrick and friends set sail to celebrate Matt's cancer research breakthrough. How could you not have thought of the 60s sitcom when we had Gilligan himself (Spinelli) paddling like a mad man on the dinghy with Ginger (Maxie) as they tried to catch up to the boat, because she was terrified that Mary Ann (Liz) would sink her claws into the Professor (Matt)?

The scenes were comical to watch, especially with Lisa fondling a syringe, which was filled with whatever paralytic drug she had injected Johnny with, like it was her precious pet. I confess though, it's hard to hate a character that finally nailed Anthony -- literally -- and then tossed him into the harbor to swim with the fishies. It was poetic justice, except Anthony is apparently immortal, so nothing will kill him except a good old-fashioned beheading. Where is Connor MacLeod when you need him? Oh, right, he's the captain of the vessel sailing around the murky waters of Port Charles whom Lisa managed to get the jump on with her super-human strength.

I'm thinking that Lisa was doing some sort of yoga exercises during her coma, because that woman not only is rocking a body to die for, but she's able to toss people around like rag dolls without so much as a grunt. It's downright impressive.

Back to our partygoers...if I were Matt, I'd get some new friends. All of his guests stuck around long enough to say congrats, sing a song, nibble on an appetizer, and drink some champagne before they all headed to various cabins to have sex -- repeatedly. If someone doesn't walk away from this cruise pregnant, I'll be shocked. The front contender is Olivia. Not only did she have the telltale dizzy spell, the soap equivalent to a neon positive sign on a pregnancy test, but she was nauseous too. Twins?

One person that we know won't be pregnant is Liz. Not only did she do what Maxie, who reached harpy status around day three of her Liz-bashing tirade, least expected her to do, by pulling away from Matt's kiss, but Liz also reminded Matt that he was involved with Maxie. There goes Maxie's theory that Liz was only out to seduce Matt to punish Maxie for sleeping with Lucky a hundred years ago. Frankly, Maxie's logic was baffling, and a bit insulting to Matt. Why wouldn't Liz be interested in a nice, handsome, thoughtful, and successful guy like Matt, with whom Liz has oodles in common?

It was clear to me this week that Maxie and Matt are not destined to live happily ever after. It wasn't because he kissed Liz; it was because Maxie has continually made him her very last priority. She clearly doesn't care for him the way that a girlfriend should. Not once did I hear Maxie say that she wanted to be there for Matt to celebrate his success because she's proud of him. It was to get her assignment done, and to keep Liz from getting one up on her.

I'm not disappointed. There was a time that I actually liked the pairing of Maxie and Matt, but no more. Maxie was a horrible person all this week, saying some very vile things about Liz, which even Spinelli seemed a bit fed up with by the end of Friday. I know that I was.

Maxie should be alone with her ego for a while. Let Spinelli go look for Winifred; she's been missing for ages anyway.

Back to Liz though, her conversation with Ethan about Lucky was difficult for me, as a Liz fan, to watch. I hated hearing what Ethan had to say as much as Liz appeared to, but in the end, I have to agree that he did the right thing by pushing her to accept that she and Lucky needed to stay away from each other. Neither is good for the other, so it's past time to break that dysfunctional cycle. Cam and Aiden deserve happy parents, not miserable ones.

What I enjoyed about her scene with Ethan was the spark of feistiness that Liz displayed when she suggested that she should start living down to everyone's expectations. I don't want her to do that, but I'm happy to see her finally pushing back. Ever since Liz got pregnant with Aiden, she's become everyone's favorite punching bag. The constant verbal abuse that she's been subjected to has been downright frustrating to watch, especially when much of it has been dished out by people who really have no room to point fingers.

It was nice to see her finally bite back. Her comment to Ethan -- "You know, Luke has a talent for telling hard truths. You're no Luke." -- had me cheering. I want to see more of that side of Liz.

It's funny, because I actually like Ethan, but I don't like him sticking his nose in things that he has no real understanding of. It left a sour taste in my mouth when Ethan and Luke decided to psychoanalyze Liz. Luke, frankly, has no room to ever judge or talk ill of Liz after he killed her son, while driving under the influence. She never went off on Luke, as he richly deserved, so he owes her big time. His catty remark about Liz having three children by three different men was absolutely uncalled for, especially given that Luke has a couple of kiddies by different mamas.

It got old really quick how, for three days in a row, we heard various characters talk about the paternity of Liz's children. What was that? Did Liz kick Garin Wolfe's puppy or something? Why is Liz being singled out when there are several other women, and a couple of guys, in town who belong to the same club?

Carly has three children by three different men, as does Alexis. Then there's Sonny and Edward, each with a passel of illegitimate offspring by different women. I've read some comments that say that the difference is that Liz had three "Who's the Daddy" storylines, but that's not accurate. Liz always knew who Cam and Jake's dads were. Yes, she let Ric think that he fathered Cam, but we found out when she confessed the truth to him, less than twenty-four hours later, that Ric had already known. He just pretended not to, so that he could get Liz to marry him.

In reality, Liz only had one pregnancy where she didn't know the paternity of her child, and that was with Aiden. Her lie to Lucky was wrong, but there were extenuating circumstances, so, whether you agree with her choice or not, it wasn't as if she just decided to lie for giggles.

Ethan's snarky observations aside, it's a shame that Ethan is Lucky's brother, because I saw some interesting chemistry between Ethan and Liz. It would serve Lucky right to return home, ready to rekindle things with Liz, only to discover that she's moved on with Ethan. Unfortunately, there's Nikolas. Granted, it's a soap staple to sleep with your love's sibling -- Monica did it with Jeff and Rick Webber; Carly did it with AJ, Jason, and Jason's soul brother, Sonny; Alexis did it with Sonny, Ric, Jax (they were married), and Jerry -- but it's too soon for Liz and Ethan. Maybe if Lucky left town for good, they could explore this pairing, but not while Lucky remains in the picture.

If I were Sam, I'd have clocked Carly for interrupting my honeymoon. Okay, Jason wasn't answering his cell phone because the battery went dead, and apparently they forgot to pack their chargers, but that bungalow was rented, not bought. They could have called the rental agency, or have hired a courier in town to deliver a message. There was no need for Carly to pack up Josslyn, and then hitch a ride to Hawaii with Shawn.

By the way, did Jason borrow Carly's cell phone when he called Bernie? Or did he run to the nearest Kwik-E-Mart to buy a disposable? Inquiring minds want to know.

I wish that I could take great satisfaction in knowing that Carly actually played right into Franco's hand, but I can't, because it's Josslyn who will ultimately pay the price for her mother's folly. I found it exceedingly creepy watching those scenes of Franco playing with that windup baby doll, and then putting it in a pretty little pink box. I love James Franco, but it's time for this character to die. It's one thing to target adults, but not children. That's something that I don't want to watch.

What I would like to watch is how this chief of staff dilemma is resolved. Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Steve name Robin the interim chief of staff? Why is Steve still hiring people to run departments? And why is Robin allowed to pass her job off to someone else? Hey Garin, put Monica back in charge! It was a boneheaded decision to remove her in the first place, so you now have an opportunity to right a wrong.

Finally, I'd like to thank everyone who emailed me. I received some wonderful feedback. The overwhelming majority of readers were very upset about the decision to fire Lexi Ainsworth.

• I didn't really care for Kristina until the Kiefer storyline. Kristina was two dimensional until that point for me. I really wanted Lexi A. to get that 2010 Emmy. She will be missed. I guess GH is going to Chad Duell-her like with Michael. They were very lucky in that recast, but I really think TPTB at GH should rethink this recast. -- Shawn

• I, too, am shocked that Lexi Ainsworth has been fired. Because she looked too young? Really? So this is to make her romance with Ethan less yuck-ifying? Phooey. -- Sandy

• I can NOT believe that GH has fired Lexi Ainsworth! I know they most likely did it so they can "age" her character to hook her up with Ethan. But to me, they will be losing the magic of Ethan and Kristina. Lexi and Nathan have wonderful chemistry together as just friends now and maybe something more later. I am terribly disapointed! -- Kristy

There were also some interesting responses to the question of whether or not readers had ever changed their minds about a character:

• Elizabeth -- until the rape story line -- seeing her come out of those bushes was haunting, horrifying, vulnerable and epic -- Lynn

• I completely agree about Ethan; I initially thought he was a waste of space but he's won me over and that makes me doubly sad that Lexi's been let go. Sam is another character that I didn't like at first. I just wanted her to go away...and then they paired her with Jason. -- Renee

Thank you to everyone who took the time to email me. I love hearing back from readers, so please feel free to drop me a line.