Jailhouse rock

I thought the jail scenes in the Elvis movie were laughable, but those were Shakespearean compared to the nonsense happening in Pentonville on GH.

I thought the jail scenes in the Elvis movie were laughable, but those were Shakespearean compared to the nonsense happening in Pentonville on GH.

Let's start with Magilla Gorilla, the prison guard. Apparently he's the only guard in the entire cellblock. When Wanna-Be-Rapist-Jesus-Tattoo-Guy sent him to another cellblock under false pretenses, the guard never reappeared nor did a replacement appear.

So, all the prisoners are left unattended with the cell doors open. How realistic is that? Instead of trying to rape each other, wouldn't they all be plotting their escape? And under what circumstances could Sonny go and visit Anthony?

I have a friend in prison and my BFF Betsy and I went to visit him. Betsy being Betsy, she started chatting up the other convicts and got herself in big prison trouble for merely saying a flirty hello to other prisoners.

Point being, you have to fill out paperwork in advance to get clearance to even go there. You have to have your car searched when you pull in the driveway, show ID, go through metal detectors, and get patted down, walk into a holding cell where they actually lock you in a cell before they let you out the other side to the visitor's entrance to see the one person you have been approved to visit.

But at Pentonville, anyone can come and go all willy-nilly. Just like the "interrogation room" at the PCPD station, where no one is ever interrogated, but it is instead used as a safe haven for the thugs to plot their next move.

Those scenes are usually just comical, but this week I found them downright creepy. I actually think Drew Garrett escaped just in time to avoid the "prison boy toy" scenes. Yuck.

I can hardly wait for Jason to see the guy trying to have his way with Michael and take him down. Of course that will most likely land Jason in solitary confinement and leave Michael exposed. Anthony tried to warn Sonny about prison rules, but as usual, Sonny wasn't listening.

Jason made a huge sacrifice for Michael, and as Carly pointed out, it should have been his father stepping up to protect him. But Sonny has claustrophobia, so he gave himself a pass.

On the other hand, Sonny doesn't seem too upset about whether or not his son is being raped in jail as he's hitting on Olivia over cocktails...He was yakking it up, flashing his dimples and talking about the old days. I see where this is headed. Olivia is angry that Johnny won't back off Sonny, so when the two of them fall apart, she'll run right to Sonny's...I started to say arms, but we both know I mean BED.

Before Jason got fitted with that ghastly orange jumpsuit and sent to the slammer, his goodbye scenes with Sam were heartwrenching. (Well, for the most part anyway.) I love their theme song, Jayson Belt's "Just You and Me." I downloaded it on iTunes so I can hear the whole thing when GH just teases me with one line.

The compass necklace Jason gave Sam was very apropos, along with the promise that he'd find his way back to her. Jason is very romantic for a brain-damaged hit man.

I realize there are two camps, the Jason/Liz camp and the Jason/Sam camp... However, even if you're rooting for a Jason/Liz reunion, I hope you can admit that the Jason/Sam moments were beautiful and full of tenderness and longing. I applaud the wonderful work by Kelly Monaco and Steve Burton.

On the other hand, I howled when Sam ruined a BLT. First off, if your beloved was going to prison for five years, would your last meal for him be a stinking BLT? Second, if you are such a bad cook you can't make a damned sandwich, time to take all the money from your Everyday Heroes show and hire a chef.

And I was yelling stuff at the TV as I am prone to do when watching GH. Like "Hey Sam, my mom taught me in 7th grade not to wear a black bra with a white tank top."

I wonder what Sam would look like...NOT in a tank top? That's all she wears. Ever. In winter, she tops it with a Flashdance off-the-shoulder sweatshirt, but day in and day out, she's in a tank top. Maybe I'm just jealous because I have to wear real clothes to work.

While Jason heads to jail and Sonny chats up Olivia, Carly is hell-bent on revenge. She tracked down Brooke Lynn Ashton and intends to use her to torment Lulu and Dante. Well, I guess it's not really using her when Carly offered to pay her handsomely.

I hope that if Brooke Lynn is back that eventually we'll get Ned and Lois back, but I'm not banking on it. And I want the original Ned and Lois, not stupid recasts.

Readers, what do you think about Claire and Lucky? On Twitter, I nicknamed them Clucky and my fellow GH tweeters approved. I hated Claire early on, but she grows on me every week. The thing I like most about the idea of Lucky and Claire is how furious it would make Elizabeth for Lucky to actually fall in love with a wonderful, smart woman who has NOT slept with his brother.

What irks me most about this is that while her affair with Nikolas was going on, she said, "I just can't help myself," and dropped her panties every time Nikolas was in range. But now, she can totally resist him and hasn't so much as hugged him for months. Hey Liz, if you had all that self-control, why didn't you use it before you lost Lucky?

In other problems of self-control, Patrick is lurking around the locker room and eavesdropping on Lisa and Steven. Again, it's been a creepy week on GH. The very married Patrick can't stand the thought of his old college girlfriend dating someone else instead of pining for him? Maybe Patrick is still just as self-centered as he used to be but just hiding it better. Whatever the reason, I don't like it.

What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will we find out why Johnny's bedspread is the same shade of orange as Jason's prison jumpsuit? Will Helena keep holding Tracy in the jail cell from the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland? Will Dante continue to blackmail Mayor Floyd and realize he should just cave in and join the mob? Will Michael remember the day Jason called him "a little bitch" and think it was prophetic? Will we be able to get past the fact that Kristina is jailbait and accused Ethan of beating her, since they are so adorable together?