Long hot (creepy) Summer

It's only been a few days and the new 'teen scene' storylines already feel like torture.

Readers, if I make it with GH until September it will be a miracle...Or just sheer laziness that kept me from grabbing the remote to change the channel. It's only been a few days and the new "teen scene" storylines already feel like torture.

I understand the idea behind the strategy. It's the "We must lure in new young viewers every summer to keep this franchise going!" plan. So in the summer, soaps focus on teen storylines hoping to capture the attentions of bored kids on summer vacation as they flip channels. In my head, it makes perfect sense.

But I have to ask myself if I can make it through an entire summer with "inappropriately horny pothead Kristina" she is about a 9.5 on Tamilu's Creepy-meter. And then there is "swollen brain violent outburst Michael." I'm just not sure that I can take a whole summer of these two. Why didn't they fall down the stairs at the hospital instead of the two pregnant women? Of course, they did crash their car, so maybe Kristina will be in a coma all summer!

When I saw Kristina prancing around in her ruffled panties coming on to Jason it just made me feel sick inside. Ewww. I am so happy they gave Michael a line mentioning it and telling his sister she was freaking him out, too. One more note, if you saw a girl who looked 12 driving a car, wouldn't you pull her over and check her ID? I would. But I guess Mac and the PCPD are too busy with the mayor's hooker murder case.Michael is the new Jason in this recycled plot. Michael woke up and resented his mother while being drawn to the Dark Side with Sonny. Jason woke up from his brain injury resenting his mother and being drawn to the dark side with Sonny. As Elton John would say "I've seen that movie, too."

Poor Jason has his hands full, between trying to keep Michael from punching people and trying to keep Kristina from stripping naked every 12 minutes he is going to have his hands full this summer Note that the three people Michael has behaved violently toward are Carly, Liz, and Robin who all happen to be women that Jason loves, thereby ensuring his assistance to pin Michael down. But if Michael started throwing crap at Claudia, I bet Jason would just stand back and watch.

Unlike Carly I have zero tolerance. If Michael was my kid and woke up violent and lashing out and begged to go live with his Dad, I'd say "See ya kid, come and visit when your brain swelling goes down." Maybe not, but it is fun to say that's what I'd do. On the other hand, NuMorgan is pretty adorable. Morgan and Jax in their karate gear were adorable even though "jealous belligerent Michael" was unhappy about it.

Drew Garrett is doing a wonderful job in the role of Michael. In the scenes where he is confused and struggling to understand his own behavior, Drew does great with "tender and vulnerable." In the scenes where he plays anger, violence and rage, he plays "crazy kid" really well. It's easy to see why he got the role; he is a brilliant actor. I just hope they write material for Michael and NuKristina that will make their storylines watchable.

Of course, Michael should still be in the hospital, but seemingly after one intense physical therapy session, an entire year of muscle atrophy has evaporated! Obviously the kid could run the Boston Marathon any day now. The thing I am most intrigued by right now was the flashes of memories Michael is having with Jax and Claudia's voice. Which person's confession will he remember first?

Let's get back to the aforementioned Hooker murder... Let's take a poll; does anyone care that minor character Mayor Floyd was banging a hooker who bumped her head (or got thunked on the head by the mayor) and died? I do not.

I know it's supposed to launch a new set of storylines, like the malpractice suit for Matt (and we can only imagine how riveting a malpractice suit will be to watch!) and the introduction of Martha Byrne as Mayor Floyd's wife. So far, I'm not interested yet. I don't even know what they could do to convince me I should get interested.

Poor Robin and Patrick just got reunited. They were on their way to one full day of domestic bliss, but now they have to dive into Matt's malpractice situation which could go on until Emma enrolls in kindergarten. Which, of course, with the rapid aging syndrome running rampant in Port Charles, could be next week.

Also on the list of plots I could care less about is the "Giselle blackmails Kate" storyline. Kate has friends like Sonny and Jax. If someone tried to blackmail me and I was Kate, the first thing I would do is make a beeline for Sonny. "Hey Sonny, even though we aren't getting married anymore, you owe me. Get this witch Giselle off my butt."

Tell me Sonny wouldn't send one of his flunkies to "handle" Giselle. Of course he would. Did Giselle find out Kate is Connie? Does she know about Dante? Does she know that Kate slept with Trevor to get ahead? I just can't come up with anything Giselle could know that would cause strong willed Kate to buckle.

There are some storylines I do care about - the Rebecca/Ethan/Nikolas storyline had piqued my interest. When Alexis discovered Rebecca was actually Emily's twin, we weren't sure if Rebecca knew it or not. Turns out that she did and Ethan is her partner in the scam. Some of you saw that coming before I did. I must be getting slow in my old age.

When Nikolas told her she was Emily's twin, she did a really convincing act of shock. Nikolas fell for it, but I doubt Alexis will. My favorite thing about Elizabeth Weber right now is her ability to see right through Rebecca.

My best friend Betsy and I have always had a sixth sense about scamming women; we have always been able to tell someone is a phony from the first conversation. So, I love seeing that quality in Liz, she can just look at Rebecca and know she's not on the up and up. I only hope Nikolas heeds Liz and Alexis' warnings before he gets his heart stomped on and his fortune stolen.

Rebecca feared Emily's brother the hit man, so made a point to go to Jason and give a heartfelt explanation about her circumstance. Jason offered to help Rebecca anytime she needed simply because she is Emily's twin. But just wait until Jason finds out she's a con woman. He really, really, really won't like someone tarnishing Emily's mage that way.

Wouldn't be amazing if Helena was actually the one to save him this time around? Of course I don't want Helena redeemed, I adore her evil. But if she could save Nikolas from a con artist and be in a position where Nikolas and Alexis owed her one that would be delicious.

There are a couple of burning questions in the Corinthos household right now...Which is more potent, Ric sperm or Sonny sperm? Those two crazy boys are forever knocking women up. It's really hard to tell which sperm will win the baby lottery brewing in Claudia's uterus.

The next and equally entertaining question is which scrappy girl would win in a catfight between Pregnant Claudia and Cougar Olivia? Claudia was really furious that Olivia butted into her life by tattling on her for her dalliance with Ric. On the other hand, Olivia has secrets of her own, which would be delicious if Claudia found out about Dante and blackmailed Olivia with it. Claudia should hire Jackal P.I. to get some dirt on Olivia.

What will happen tomorrow dear readers? Will Spinelli eat the cucumbers off of everyone's eyes at the spa? Will Luke put an ad up in Kelly's diner letting people know his casino is open for business? Will Rebecca end up pregnant and try to pass Ethan's baby off as Nikolas's until it is born with giant Osmond-like teeth? Will Lulu finally give Milo a twirl since all of her other suitors dumped her? Will Ric chain pregnant Claudia to the wall of the panic room in Patrick and Robin's house where Ric used to live?