The X(tra Stupid) Files

What an extraordinary find -- a file that has concrete proof of every illegal activity a criminal has committed! Imagine the glee of D.A.'s everywhere if such files existed.

What an extraordinary find - a file that has concrete proof of every illegal activity a criminal has committed! Imagine the glee of D.A.'s everywhere if such files existed. Really, what are the odds that your average John Doe Mobster has some secret manila folder with records of all of his crimes listed in black and white? And what are the odds that your average Mrs. Jane Doe Mobster would accept delivery of such a folder, dropped off by her mob boss husbands' shady accountant and leave it carelessly lying about? It is akin to Scott Petersen having some file folder with Polaroid shots of him dumping Lacy over the side of the boat with concrete barrels tied to her feet, or OJ having Kato put together a file with an 8X10 of him stabbing Nicole. Although that would have made Marcia Clark and her bad perm one happy uptight chick, it would never happen. Well, that's not exactly true, there are those Knuckleheads in the News stories that Jay Leno has on about criminals who do dumb things that wind up in their arrest, but Sonny has never been moronic before, so unless spawning children with many women has sapped him of his brain cells, we must assume the writers couldn't come up with a plausible way for Sonny to get arrested. I can see it. They were brainstorming for hours and someone in the writers meeting said "Hey! I know! What if all of Sonny's crimes were in a folder and Durant found them!" and everyone said "Yeah!" as it meant they could knock off early and swing over to Starbucks for a Peppermint Latte. Not that I blame them, I mean I'm addicted to the stuff, too.

Besides, they had done such incredible work on the Sam/Jason/Alexis/Sonny storyline they were probably spent. I implied last week that if you hadn't shed a tear over Sam's baby dying that something was wrong with you. A few of you wrote and said you didn't cry, and I reassert my belief that there is something wrong with you. Seek counseling, or pinch yourself to see if you're still alive. Soap fans as a lot, and of course, I am among that lot, sometimes get so passionate in an opinion that they miss out on the wonderful and moving stories if those stories don't connect to their own personal agenda. That's very short-sighted. For instance, some of you are hoping for a Jason/Liz pairing. Well, okay, that's all well and good - but to pretend that Kelly Monaco as Sam hasn't done a stellar job with the material that has been given her because the storyline ruins your hopes for Jason is just silly. I'm not a big opera fan, but when I hear an angelic voice, I can say "Wow he has an incredible voice" even if I wouldn't jam to the song he is singing in traffic. You don't have to like a character to appreciate their craft and their performance in any given storyline. Sam just lost her baby, and her portrayal of a grieving mother has been amazing and honest and she's ditched the make-up and had big snotty, puffy eye crying scenes that are genuine and intense and she's truly astonishing in them. So what if you don't want her character with Jason?

That rant aside, I can forgive the writers the weak storylines of Heather and Luke - because the Skye and Luke scenes were wonderful - how often do we actually get Luke serious enough to admit he needs someone? Hearing Luke say he's ready to let Laura go tells me one thing- the Powers that Be couldn't get Genie Francis to come back. Well, I miss her of course, but I understand the need to stay where you're happy even when people are throwing piles of money your way, so I don't fault her for staying home with her kids if that is what delights her soul.

I can almost overlook the nonsense of Diego and Brooke busting into the social workers home, and that whole bad storyline, as rumor has it that Diego will end up being Lorenzo's long lost son. Lorenzo needs someone now that Sage is gone, and it certainly means more air time for Ted King, and I'm not ashamed to admit I am smitten with him. Thus, I will force myself to sit through Diego's cheesy teen storyline and wooden acting if only to get to the part where Ted King is front burner again.

An aside...I don't know how many of you saw it, but Maurice Benard and his wife Paula were on Oprah 11/17 on a show that focused on celebrity's who had suffered some sort of mental illness. Maurice spoke openly about his bi-polar disorder, and depression. I was deeply moved by his willingness to go public with his private hell and inner turmoil. That takes courage and his celebrity and popularity (How can you not love those dimples?) will bring light to a topic that many people struggle with every day. I have friends who are bi-polar, and it's an on-going struggle. They live in fear of an employer finding out and being fired, etc. Seeing someone as successful and gifted as Maurice willing to speak up and say "Yes, I am afflicted with this disorder, but I handle it through medication and through my faith in God." makes him a Big Brave Hero, even though he plays a mobster on TV. :

That having been said - Sonny's scene where he says goodbye to his dead baby daughter, holding that little silver cross that will now go to Kristina was so poignant and bittersweet. He was brilliant. Jason's goodbye to the baby was also a tear jerking, gut-wrenching bit of TV, as was Sam's tearful plea to have another baby. Even Ric, whose main goal in life has been to bring down his brother Sonny, was hesitant to do so during Sonny's loss, and there was no hint of smugness or self satisfaction in his actions, the only character in this whole scenario that I can't sympathize with is Alexis.

When Sam gingerly walked into Kristina's room, so physically and emotionally spent, just to get a glimpse of the little girl that lived through her own baby's death, Alexis very calmly told her "Hey, thanks so much for giving your baby's stem cells to save my baby's life, but could you please get out of her room and not visit her anymore?" I... HATED her. Sure, Kristina is still sick and she is worried about her, blah, blah, blah, but she has no compassion for Sam, or for Sonny, or for anyone who suffered a loss. Sure, she says she is sad for them with her words, but her actions don't match up. This, by the way, is true in many arenas of life - people who say they care about the environment, or the war in Iraq or AIDS in Sudan - but do not take any action to prove that there belief is genuine. There is an old obscure song I am fairly certain no one but me has heard of which has a lyric that says "He brings people to your door, and you turn them away as you smile and say "God Bless You, be at peace, and all Heaven just weeps.." because it's easier to say God Bless You than to actually feed someone who is hungry. Just as it's easier for Alexis to say "I sure do feel bad that Sam's baby died." Than it is for her to allow Sam to come and visit the child her daughter's life saved. I know some of you will disagree with me, but hey, this is an opinion column and this is my opinion.

SO, what's next, a mnage a trios with Emily Nik and Connor? No, wait, Nikolas confessed to murder rather than have Connor stay in his house another night. What a dumb-a**. (This is a family column, fill in the blanks.) Connor, is no brighter of course, he is one of the men in the universe who thinks he can get any woman he wants with his sheer brut strength and desire. He tells Em that Nik is no good for her and that she'd be better off with him. Hmmm. Let's see... Nikolas is a Prince, lives in a mansion, is gentle and kind and decent and has loved Em for a long time, helped her through cancer, let her escape burning building before he did, etc. Connor, on the other hand is a deserter from the Marines, a wanted man who is unemployed and who met Em by taking her hostage at knifepoint. She has that effect on men, that's how she met Zander, too, and then they ended up together, so who knows, maybe that DOES turn her on. But, here's my advice to all girls contemplating a love affair - a guy WITH a job is always better than a guy WITHOUT a job. No matter how charming or handsome he is, if you have to work to support him, he's not worth it. Of course, he is so committed to hanging out with Emily that he re-opened his wounds and made himself bleed, but that just makes him a twin dumb a** to Nikolas.

What will happen tomorrow dear readers? Will Heather bump anyone off on her way out of town? Will Carly and her bad Cher wig get out of Ric's blazing apartment in time? Will anyone ever spank Michael or at least get him into Anger Management for Tots? Will anyone tend to Lila's roses after Heather leaves? Will Laura get her hair brushed by her new captors? Will Nikolas and Connor end up in the same cell and do the Patty Duke identical cousin dance to the Jailhouse Rock? Will Lois ever realize she's 40 and not Madonna circa 1982?

Only tomorrow knows, dear readers, so I will tune in tomorrow as long as there are tomorrows.

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